>father and mother met in some dating site in late 90's >spanish dad, ukrainian mom>18 year age difference>dad has very obvious slavic girl fetish, i've seen his saved tabs>they live together for a bit, my mom later goes back to ukraine>oops, apparently pregnant>go back to spain, marry>born>they divorce when I was 5 because my dad is a hoarder and a person unfit to live with a family>then 18 years of constant hatred between the two, they can't stand each other but my mom's education was void when she came here so she can only work shitty jobs that don't pay enough for rent, we rely on my dad for rent and he complies because this is the closest he'll ever get to a family>they constantly mention how they ruined each other's lives>my mom's hometown was nuked by russia so it's not like she has anything to go back toEverytime anything happens to any of my parents that is even slightly negative I'm consumed by overwhelming guilt and can barely hold back tears. This is all my fault for being born and dying in some accident when I was 2 is the only way their life could've gone better.It's unbearable. I can only repay the opportunity debt my birth has caused by making shit tons of money, but I'm too useless for that. I barely got a labwork degree after 2 repeat years. I'm terrified of working.I can't even kill myself because then all their fucking struggle will have been for nothing. Why was I born.I know technically it's their decisions to blame, not my existence, but God, if I weren't here things would've been so much easier for every member of my family. It's crushing me.
>>34522362>This is all my fault for being bornIt's not your fault, you had no choice. Not even your name was your choice.>I can only repay the opportunity debt my birth has caused by making shit tons of moneyYou don't have to repay anything, buddy.>if I weren't here things would've been so much easier for every member of my familyYou don't know that for sure, as far as we know both your parents could be dead if you were not born.
>>34522394>You don't have to repay anything, buddy.Thank you, reading that brought tears to my eyes, but I sadly know this isn't the case. I can't leave my mother on her own, I have a memory of being small and mentioning something I'd like in "my own house", and ever since she's told me that she can't live without me and can't survive on her own. It's kind of true, a lot of things cause her pain and she has no one else, but I also deeply desire the privacy one gains with their own home. I just want to be in peace.>as far as we know both your parents could be dead if you were not born.That's true, of course, but maybe they'd prefer that to being chained to someone they both loathe. Their hate has made me both hate and love them both.
your parents love you, the last thing they would want after all that is their childs death, you dying would be a massive burden on top of everything. You dont have any debt towards anyone, that debt is only something that exists in your mind. Though making money to help out your parents is a very commendable thing to do and if you can you should do it, but only for the sake of helping them out. You should talk to some close friends or therapist about how you're feeling, not people online, they'll be able to help you out much more then anyone here.
>>34522433>I can't leave my mother on her own, I have a memory of being small and mentioning something I'd like in "my own house", and ever since she's told me that she can't live without me and can't survive on her own.It's not your duty to provide for your parents, I understand your feelings of wanting to take care of her, and I fully support that, but you have to understand that it's not your duty.>maybe they'd prefer that to being chained to someone they both loatheI don't think so, but even if that's true, you are the one chaining yourself right now... None of these problems are your fault, and they can probably get fixed with time, really, of course, you have to work hard, but in a few years you'll look back and see how silly all your worries were.
>>34522362What you wrote tells me you are a deeply empathetic person and you understand how difficult it can be to have a child in a toxic relationship. But it isn't your fault. Your parents would have probably been deeply unhappy with each other even if you never existed.Strangers on the internet, and especially 4chan, are probably not going to help you much with these feelings. But you need to live for yourself. You are burdening too much on yourself that was never something you had control over. I hope that at least helps a little.
>>34522652>>34522723I tried going to therapy when I was 18. I came back satisfied with red eyes, still shaken, and my mother started complaining that a therapist is supposed to help you, not make you cry (she thought depressive symptoms just.. go away after 1 session)While you two are right in that faceless strangers can't give me the proper help I need, it still felt very good to just let all my bottled up worries out into the void somewhere. Thank you for reading all that.>>34522675Maybe once/if I get a job I'll feel responsible and indepent enough to live more of my own life without their presence, even if I still share a house. I think that would make this feeling of obligation get weaker, it feels like it's so strong because it's all I've known
>>34522755Therapy isn't easy, it's hard work. Crying at it is normal. No offense, but you mother is wrong and ignorant. If you can, and want to, please continue going.
