I’m currently in therapy for OCD, have been seeing my particular therapist for about a year.One of my major anxieties is related to my kinks/fetishes (transformation, agp, and age progression/regression specifically). I guess I just find the idea of my body and mind being forcibly altered attractive. I’ve had them since I was exposed to pornography very young and really wish I didn’t have them. Not only do I feel disgusting when I engage in these self-insert fantasies, I fear the consequences if anyone were to ever discover that side of me, so I go to great lengths to hide it from everyone else. My OCD has used these feelings to convince me of all sorts of terrible things about myself.Recently, my brain has latched onto the idea that I’m going to get into legal trouble for a few age progression comics I purchased years back in a moment of weakness (tl;dr young characters being turned into milfs or whatever. Extremely autistic, I know). I deleted them very shortly afterward and no longer have access. I don’t have anything saved on any of my devices for that matter.This fear has sent me down a multi-day anxiety spiral researching US case law on obscenity with the fear that someone is going to hunt me down and throw the book at me. It has taken over my psyche for the better part of a week.I have been too ashamed to tell my therapist about any of this, and am afraid to explain the full extent of my sexual anxiety for fear of getting in trouble or being judged.I don’t know what to do.
You should just throw away your computer
Perhaps you can talk about it with your therapist without specifically mentioning what it is. You could tell them it's not harmful or illegal but a lot of people would look at you weird if they saw it.
You have no idea how little this moves the needle for experienced therapists. You have anxiety. But therapists at times listen to schizos with bizarre psychosis trauma or issues that are way more depraved than some age regression or shota kink. I've seen schizos eat snot and shit off the ground while psychotic. Or describe believing that God wanted them to use scissors to hurt themselves as a sign of obedience. And it gets worse from there. Don't be embarrassed. You can say "uhh doc..: I have a bit of an issue... I have a fetish for inappropriate relationship porn. Like itself insert as boys being taken advantage of" and if necessary explain Shota as a concept. There's a lot to unpack in this if you want to. I'd focus more on the ways it's an addiction or upsetting and maybe see if there's childhood trauma or experiences that helped cause the kink.
>>34528585>"Like i self insert as boys being taken advantage of"Holy shit I hate autocorrect my goodness
>>34528585Okay, I’ll try broaching the subject like that next time.I guess my biggest hangup is the legal thing because art involving underage characters (shota, loli, whatever) is such a grey area in the US to my understanding. I fear that bringing it up will just bring about the worse case scenario for me.It’s hard separating my irrational fear from genuine self-preservation I guess.
>>34528659I would never lie to a therapist. It's a drawing so there's no victim or anything. I just think you're finding something to be anxious about and then spiraling into anxiety about it. You can say that.. "doc I've been so worried recently I've spent hours researching case law because I like porn ..... and what if porn the porn I like ... is illegal ?!?! " and then go from there, explaining it's Japanese lewd cartoons or drawings. The actual kink or fetish thing isn't the relevant part, to me, at this point. It's your anxiety about it that raises my eyebrow.
>>34528726So the problem is less the porn, and more so the extreme anxiety surrounding it suggesting deeper insecurity?
>>34528512I have OCD too and I am going to therapy over itRealize the following>You might live in a state where that is entirely legal so who cares>Even so, unless you tell the therapist you have it, there is no way for them to know anything about it>They are not going to tell the FBI or CIA glowies "check on this guy he might be sus" unless you give them good reason to>Unfortunately the majority of people who look at CP don't get caught, it's the people who purchase, offer, and download terabytes, and when they do, it is when they are handling real CP, not loli/shota>The majority of the times that people get in trouble for loli/shota are people who are also being arrested for worse stuff (or if you're in the UK or some retarded nanny nation)Unless you go out of your way to be obnoxious online while also showing people that you're into it, and you don't tell the therapist what you bought, you're fine. Also look up the state you are in and the laws they have. There is a reason shadman was able to draw what he did and there is a reason why when he was arrested, it had nothing to do with his artGood luck on handling your kinks. I understand something similar to what you are going through and having attractions you never asked for
>>34528737There's two topics here: why do you find this inappropriate relationship kink interesting is its own topic. You can choose to talk about this if you want. I just don't know how relevant it is if you don't have a history of childhood trauma or abuse Or you can focus on the anxiety about it. Spending this much time and energy researching legality sounds exhausting. It's clearly causing you emotional turmoil. I'd mention that you have been having trouble, explain the anxiety spiraling, and be honest with all your answers if she asks for clarification.
>>34528755I can't find anything about my state, which is the alarming part for me. I do live in a red state though which When I have OCD spirals like this I'm looking for certainty that something bad won't happen to me, and I always find some way to convince myself that the .0000001% chance of something happening will happen to me. >>34528759I don't think it has anything to do with abuse, I had a pretty good childhood. I think a lot of this really does just come back to early exposure to this kind of content (I was like 11 when I stumbled upon it on my family computer). The porn I've used that involves those inappropriate relationships is the overwhelming minority, so I don't believe that dynamic is what appeals to me.My anxiety really likes to convince me that something horrible will befall me. One summer I was anxious about dying to the point of looking up every possible way I could be killed or involved in a horrible accident, and the chances of such a thing happening. When I was young I avoided knives because I was afraid I'd ill my family with one and get locked away forever.I think this instance is similar in conjuring up scenarios where my shame will catch up with me and result in life ruination.
Small update: I texted my therapist about it. He called me and we chatted for about 15 mins while I explained my history with the issue.I didn’t tell him about the comics specifically, but I did tell him about my research spiral. I’ll go into more detail with him when we have our next session.He was very supportive and mostly just told me he’s proud of me for bringing it up with him. Said I have nothing to be ashamed of and that fantasy/thoughts don’t make me a bad person. Told me to stay away from drugs/alcohol for now and journal my feelings as best I can so we can review next week.I feel a little bit better, but my brain still has little portions of “well if you told him about _____ things would be different and he’d think you’re a freak.” I’m too good at finding loopholes in my own mental state.
Firstly, based taste for posting Allenby for G GundamSecondly, I don't see the point in being ashamed of fetishes, I am into way worse and weirder shit, and I feel no shame about it, because I know it's not hurting anybody and it's just fictional fantasy nonsense in my own head.Thirdly, while obviously none of us know for sure what will happen and people have been charged for random shit like Simpsons porn, the reality is that thousands of people post highly explicit loli and shota porn here on 4chan every day and they never face legal trouble over it, meanwhile you're freaking out about what sounds like not-particularly extreme comic that you downloaded once years ago and have never touched since. I don't think you have much to worry about. You said that you've been researching obscenity law, and if so then you probably know that the Miller test is insanely broad and that (at least in the US) nothing about Loli/Shota is inherently more obscene/illegal then any other random normie porn and any sufficiently determined prosecutor can charge people for obscenity over any sort of sexual material. Maybe that isn't very reassuring, but the point is that there's tons of things people COULD get charged for obscenity for, but don't. As >>34528755 says, most of the time people get charged for loli/shota, it's because they had real CSAM and the prosecutors are trying to stack extra charges on top.>>34529148Personally, I would not bring up the comic you mentioned. It may be harmless to do so, but mandatory reporting is a thing if a healthcare professional thinks you are a risk around kids. You aren't, but you never know what other people may think, so I wouldn't risk it.You already told him whatever you told him tho so there's no harm in continuing to speak about whatever you already said. As I said, tho, I would just try to keep in mind that there's nothing to be ashamed of about it and accept the kink.
>>34529355I mentioned that my kink involves age progression/regression self insert and he didn’t seem to mind, so I’m not as afraid of opening up to him as I was before. He seemed very sex positive and mentioned other patients he had with somewhat similar experiences.He reassured me that he doesn’t think I’m a danger to anyone (we’ve had conversations about how I’m too considerate in his opinion). I’ll definitely think about what I divulge more on though.I think my current strategy is to develop a healthier relationship with my fetishes, avoid compulsory masturbatation, and keep things above board with the material I engage with (even if I’m unlikely to face anything bad).I figure what’s done is done and that if this is bringing me anxiety, the best thing I can do is just not repeat the same thing again. It’s just a fetish, doesn’t have to control what I do.
