Me and my bf have been together for 3 years now, and have lived together for 1. Our relationship is essentially perfect aside from the fact that over the last year, he has expressed nearly zero interest in having sex with me. He doesn’t instigate anything, and when I try to he doesn’t seem interested at all and goes to play a game or something instead. I’ve gained some weight in the last while (about 10kg over a year, which made me weigh about 65kg total) so I wondered if that had to do with it. Ive since lost the weight and more, but that hasn’t seemed to make him any more attracted to my appearance. Every time I try to talk to him about it, he says he doesn’t know what I’m talking about and that it’s not a big deal, he just doesn’t feel like it right now. I genuinely don’t know what to do, because I really love him and this hasn’t been a problem until the last year. It’s made me just completely insecure about my appearance as well, which has always been pretty bad since I’ve always been just about average at best. He used to be so into me physically, so I have no idea what has changed aside from the weight I’ve gained and lost. I don’t know what to do, or what I can change to make him feel different. I’d genuinely do anything at this point to make him attracted to me again which feels so pathetic to say.
>>34537434Is he cheating? How often is he jerking it to porn?
>>34537434How are you guys outside of sex? Do you guys do fun and exciting stuff? Do you guys do fun and exciting stuff that he likes to do (and vise versa ofc)?From what you said, you've been dating three years and you've noticed the lack of interest as of a year ago. The two year mark is a big landmark in a relationship, unless you're unusually attracted to each other, at this point something besides pure physical attraction needs to stir otherwise you're going to lose interest. You can be amazing friends with each other but if you don't give each other that zing, it's really obvious at 2 years.Also make sure he's not just jerking off all week, this will make it hard for him to be interested in reality when there's always something new and novel on the internet.I've (31m) personally had this happen many times and it's nearly always at the 1.5-2.5 year mark. I'm yet to figure out exactly how to keep the spark going..FWIW, I'm sure you look as good as you did when you started dating, I really doubt it has anything to do with your weight, 65 is not heavy.
>>34537459I don’t think he’s cheating, we spend alot of time with each other so I’d pick up on it pretty quickly. He used to have a porn problem like years and years ago, but I haven’t picked up on anything that would tell me that’s the case right now unless he’s really good at hiding it.
>>34537482Did you stop having sex round about the time you moved in together?
>>34537476See this is the part that’s really stopped me in my tracks about this, we travel loads together, we go to festivals and concerts and do loads of stuff together. He brings me to events about stuff he likes that I’ve never been into before, I do the same. It confuses me because our life outside of this is the perfect recipe to not be having the problems we are having, so I have no reference on what this could be stemming from unless he’s really (and I mean really) good at keeping something entirely under wraps. I’ve noticed with the weight thing, he’s started to bring up not being all that fussed on the weight I’ve lost now (I’ve gone down to about 52kg, which yeah, noticeably looks different on me) which as well has made me question how much this could have had to do with my body in the first place. I don’t know. I’m really stumped on this. I really don’t want this to break us up either, we were best friends before we were together and we really did go perfectly with each other until now.
>>34537486About a few months in, yeah. But even a bit before hand things had slowed down, but it was less elongated periods of time than this time.
>>34537498One obvious possibility is simply that the honeymoon phase wore off - that usually happens somewhere around 18-24 months in. Another is that moving in together can be an extremely unsexy experience: on a date people usually make a bit of an effort to look good, but when you live together you suddenly see, hear and smell them at their worst instead of their best, and some people find that very off-putting. It's also possible that he just never particularly liked sex with you in the first place: he wants to be in a relationship with you, living with you, (maybe) having you cook and clean for him, and did what was necessary to secure that, then just kicked back and enjoyed the rewards of his hard work.
>>34537434evolutionarily speaking your are supposed to have had children by now so the waning horniness would have been fitting as your lives become busy raising them.there's not really a problem here other than having modern expectations over biologies that were designed for something very different
>>34537434>he doesn’t know what I’m talking about and that it’s not a big deal, he just doesn’t feel like it right now.These are all lies. He's either embarrassed for you or just embarrassed. He knows. He might be trying to do something about it on his own, but you won't know that until he finds a pair and learns to have an adult conversation. >tl;dr it's over abd he's either monkey branching or you should be.
>>34537476>65 is not heavy.Depends on height x width.
>>34537434I'm in the same phase with my gf.Here is why tho, maybe it helps:>I carry the mental burden of the relationship + I work while she chills all day, but doesnt clean up or do any adult shit>I always have to initiate, and sometimes get rejected so hard that it makes me not wanna ask again, sometimes I get "in 10 mins" then it never happens, sometimes "later" and then her stomach/head hurts>she never wears anything sexy for me, just like a nice tight dress that looks good or even fucking yoga pants would be enough>i buy her lingerie, she wears it once, never again>she dresses around the house like a grandma>barely leaves the house, ever>hates when i look at other women or talk to them, making me feel like id rather lash out and fuck something elsehope it helps. ill go now and jerk it in the other room while she wonders "why i dont want her". she can come and suck my dick at any time she wants, why tf does she never do it?
>>34537434I've lost sexual interest for my girlfriend but that's because it's clear she doesn't respect me. I can't bring myself or force myself to be sexually active for her. it feels entirely performative. I'd break up with her but I'm supporting her through college and I want her to have a good life. maybe you don't respect your boyfriend either OP. we're not dumb, we can read you and pick up on your views of us.
Then just don't have sex lmao what's the big deal
>>34537434This is the totally normal Coolidge effect.See, without contraceptives you would have an infant child about now, but you don't. Your body knows this. His body knows this.So it's time for you to break up and find other partners.> I’d genuinely do anything at this point to make him attracted to me again which feels so pathetic to say.You could change your hair, and clothes styles, some people try that but it doesn't really work. Can't fool biology that easily.
>>34537606This anon gets it.You get maybe 2 years of hormonal attraction, and then it wears off. You're supposed to be parents after this.Reality is humans are animals, we have animal instincts still, whether you like it or not.
>>34537777see once again, this is where I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong. I’ve always been the one who’s initiated the most (not to say he never did), and it worked just fine until he started declining it and never initiating. I’ve also always tried to look my best for him (dressing well, hair and makeup done) even when I go to bed I try and look presentable in hopes it’ll make him feel any different. I work and I also keep the place as tidy as I can and cook as much as I’m able to with my schedule. I’ve been able to do these things even more since we moved in together, since we are around each other much more. This has worked just fine the entire time we’ve been together (pre-moving in I would’ve stayed at his place alot, and he would stay at mine.) but his interest in me physically is just not there. Maybe there is things I’m really doing wrong that he doesn’t like that I don’t know about, or maybe I am just not the kind of person he wants anymore. But it’s the way he won’t ever say this that gets me the most. I just want back what we had, and I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong that’s changed things. He’s the love of my life and I can’t imagine things without him, but I don’t know how much more I can do to fix this.
>>34537782Id say I do really respect him, and I love him so much it hurts. In your case, would you not say to your girlfriend that she doesn’t respect you, so at the very least there would be some kind of signal to change? I get that you’re supporting her through college, but surely you’d like to have a fulfilling relationship with her too
>>34537434>sex outside of marriagengmi
>>34537782>it's clear she doesn't respect me.> I'm supporting her through collegeWhat the fuck is wrong with you, retard?
>>34537434Did he take the jab? I did not, but nonetheless, my sex drive has gone way down over the last year or two.
>>34537434>MY BOYFRIEND MY BOYFRIENDevery mid ass girl, even the chubby ones, has a fucking boyfriend nowadays. It’s genuinely ridiculous. All you hear every girl talking about is their derpy ass, loser boyfriends, this one she doesn’t even have sex with and he plays video games yet she stays because gotta have MUH BOYFRIEND. I fucking hate women man. And I’ve had over a dozen girlfriends but what in the fuck is going on nowadays where 100% of women are locked into multi year relationships that they don’t even enjoy
>>34537777break up with her then if she puts in zero effort.
>>34537849What you're talking about has nothing to do with OP's post.
>>34537977You already said why, he's a retard.
>>34538087I dont know. It feels like every single woman is in a goddamn relationship meanwhile I'm a total KHV at 23. You're telling me I can't even get a nerdy, fat girlfriend?
>>34538087because our choice is between losers who at least treat us like human beings or freaks like you who will say they hate women for breathing so the former is the better option
it kind of sound like what i had a few years ago. i was the “bad person” in that situation tho. my bf started to feel like my little brother. it sucked a lot because i loved him very much but just not in a romantic or sexual way. don’t worry about how you look too much tho. 65 is usually really healthy and not big at all. this is definitely a problem from his side. not yours.
>>34537966no I'm not going to try to fix it. why would I try if she doesn't respect me? if it were any other issue it would be worth fixing.
>>34537952>I’ve also always tried to look my best for him (dressing well, hair and makeup done)Have you tried completely altering your look so as to look and act like someone else? Sounds lame, I know, but it can help sometimes. If he can feel, even subconsciously, that he's with a different woman, that can feel surprising and fresh and sexy. No matter how attractive someone is, if she and the sex are the same every time for years, it can become monotonous. Some guys crave variety.
>>34538087women lack the ability to regulate their own emotions, so they have to find a man to do it for themwomen need their boyfriends in they same way they need their liver and their kidneys
>>34537977Maybe he just likes her because she looks good and hangs out with him at college. It could be a huge deal to have your Gen X boss checking your fake GF out being like this dude pulled this prime tail I pretty much have to hire him. In this economy having a guaranteed or nearly job would be clutch.
women make intimacy so exhasuting
>>34538335To be honest, this kind of makes sense to me since he’s always been very encouraging of me cutting my hair short (I had short hair years ago, but I’ve been growing it out.) and dressing differently. I’ve wondered for a while if I toned down dressing alternatively or something if that would be of any interest to him, but he seems really against it the second I show any sign of changing my fashion. I don’t know. I might try and change completely how I dress, or at the very least cut my hair and see if that makes any difference.
>>34539040If you're going to try this, don't do it by halves. Obviously you still want to look good at the end, but you should also be aiming to look as close as possible to unrecognisable - change hair colour and style, clothes, makeup completely. Change the way you speak and act as well if you can; and surprise him with it. Make it an unexpected role play: encourage him to cheat on you with you, that sort of thing.
Yeah, I lost interest in sex with my gf after a year too. I really wish I wasnt like this.
>>34537434You got fat, lose weight.
>>34540739I did. I went from 65kg to 52kg at 5’4 and I’m still losing weight
>>34540771>52kg at 5’4lol, you're twink at this point.
>>34537476>FWIW, I'm sure you look as good as you did when you started dating, I really doubt it has anything to do with your weight, 65 is not heavy.holy reddit
>>34537782This. I stopped fucking my ex because it became obvious she had no real respect for the man, but only the dick so unless it was sexy time then she was an unruly cunt who would constantly drain my energy but in her eyes? Teehee I'm just a girl, no you're a fucking headache.
>>34538087Yeah its kinda odd, I guess women fear being lonely way more than guys and it becomes a reality in their 30's that no one is coming if they haven't yet. So this girls will absolutely lock down for a relationship and then wonder 5yrs down the line why they don't like or enjoy their man as much anymore.
>>34541084143 american burger pounds isn't heavy, most guys weigh significantly more than that
>>34542264143 is definitely overweight for a woman
>>34541084Maybe it's big at 5'4 idk. 65 isn't much when you're closer to 6 foot
