I think I have Vulnerable Narcissism (VN): basically you had too much negative emotions that you replace the bad image of the real world with an unrealistic imagination where you're better, to cope with reality. You become too afraid of the real world and too addicted to what you created inside your head, and you become incapable of living nor doing anything that can slightly be uncomfortable (even things like shitting, or basic hygiene, not joking) or shaking to your fragile ego, and addicted to short term pleasure just to feel comfortable. I had this from an extremely young age, as I have good memory, I can even remember to when I was 2-3 years old, and it always persisted with me. This is caused Mainly because I didn't feel the safety and confidence your parents are supposed to give you, because both used to work most of the day, and kept me in some shitty kindergartens or with shitty baby sitters, and both were stupids that didn't know how to raise a child, and were constantly angry and fighting. When I was young, and sometimes now, when it's silence I hear a whisper of shouting sounds. And other stupid problems that I caused because of my madness, As a VN you don't operate on the real world's truth, but one you created. And this compounded like a snow ball.>https://sci-hub.red/storage/twin/6907/cdab11404cec84cb1541affc093d1726/miller2017.pdfI realized that I might have this mental illness after some anon posted this, and it was literally describing me>https://archive.4plebs.org/pol/thread/527858884/#527863893It's not just trauma or me being lazy, until recently I was in complete delusion about myself, I imagined I was the "chosen one" or whatever, but I barely even left my room, and spent most my time doing nothing, or indulging in short term gratification (porn, social media, edits, poltardism). And I had deep hatred towards every one.How do you even solve this mess. plz help.
>>34541615+ I'm not the kind to label myself with some random mental illnesses to feel special, but after research and reading some scientific papers, they were was literally describing me. And I have a journal I recorded in it my journey trying to be better and escaping this hell from arround 2022 (and one before, but I lost), and every god damn time I fail, and when I reflect on it I always write the same thing; that I'm kind of mad, not sane, because of some deep weakness I have in me.
Probably good therapy targeted towards this specific disorder. However you should be diagnosed by a professional first.
>>34541628Therapy wouldn't help. They will get me in some drugs, I can do that myself. I'm fully aware of my mental illness, even when I act upon it, but how can one without a leg march; how can one without a mind think.I probably know how to solve it, but it will be literally recreating myself.
>>34541628>>34541633+ most of what I read of academics tell you it's permanent, which is not true. You just need to reverse the weakness to power. Maybe something like finding an entourage that will give you confidence and courage, maybe a world you want to live in, so you don't escape.Many people got the same experiences but they didn't turn into VNs, because you should have a yearn for good, that when bad is the only option you have, especially as a weak child, you escape to your head, and refuse reality and hardship.It's just a self-defense mechanism to make yourself feel good.
>>34541615Stop going on tumblr or bluesky
>>34541663never used them
>>34541615>How do you even solve this mess. plz help.That's rather simple, get out of your own head & endure hardship. You need discipline that's all, that alone will fix the entire mess. The problem is you live inside your own head, for now. When you live inside your own head, you will convince yourself that your problem is complex, grandiose-sized of complex. And you will demand a grandiose-sized solution, a complex answer. The answer is the one you want the least, the solution is the one you will refuse. In simplicity, in actions, in ways that require less or even zero of your mind and more of your own physical body. Your body is the key to the mind-prison. To use that key you must use your body. Do something to push your own bodies limits. Strength, endurance, dexterity, doesn't matter which. Could be weight lifting, endurance running, or picking up a skill like DIY or metal work or carpentry or whatever. Do this, and only this. And do it with the full expectation you will fail. And when you fail, suck it up and feel the humiliation and disappointment and allow yourself to feel those things. And then keep doing the activity or action anyway keep doing it again and again and again. Do it until you finally understand that (you) are not your own ego. You are not your own thoughts. (You) do not live inside your mind. Your thoughts do, but you are not your own thoughts.Experience what it is Iike to live without personally identifying as your own ego or your own brain chatter inside your head. This type of existence is possible, it is learned, through discipline, using the body as the vessel to take you there. You still keep the ego and the thoughts but you stop identifying as them, you just gain control over them, to be used as tools. This is what is known as "self-actualization". Aka, stepping out of Plato's Cave.Plato's Cave is real, it's called the human mind. And in this life if you want to become sane, you must go out of your mind.
Check out Heal NPD. Maybe you'll find the book The Problem of the Puer Aeternus useful.
>>34541615>How do you even solve this mess.Stop thinking about it since that just makes it worse, forgive yourself so you can be okay with being a loser forever, and just do more stuff like >>34541707 said.
>>34541707I have a full a5 notebook filled with exactly this, literally you'd find a date, then what you said repeated in different phrasing. But My previous attempts were based on my VN, so they never succeeded. Like I mentioned, just recently that I got this consciousness about my problem.Now I might talk with you with consciousness, but every time when it's triggered I will just lose my mind completely and panic, and return into pathetic unrealism.It's a mind problem, and it should be solved in the mind. Think of it like an automaton, based on the input I get from my senses, I will get the same output, I can fight it, I can force the input streamed into my brain to a specific route, but naturally it will not. And I can only force it for a time.My solution should be aimed at reforming the mind. Something that can recreate me, like a late childhood but I'll be my parent. To reform the automaton of the brain, so I can think realistically.That might be by interaction with the real world more and more, but without listening to my VN automaton, because I'm sure I can critically think and know the truth from the false. Now I have more humility knowing I'm kind of a retard, that will help. So in the end something like you mentioned. Only deformation of the current self can let me reform it. Maybe the solution to VN is to admit you're just an emotionally abused retard, kek. And I'm still really young so I have time, I'm almost 19, but mentally I'm like 16.Thank you for the reply.
>>34541883>But My previous attempts were based on my VN, so they never succeeded.In this case, this is a good result. The goal is to let go of success, begin to seek failure by accident. It's a paradox, you see. You say you were unsuccessful, yet admitting this is a marker for success. Confusing yes, but from the outside we can say it is progress precisely because you can acknowledge failure. Keep going.>I got this consciousness about my problem.Yes. And the way to gain more is to allow reality to give you more. Do not think you can grant it to yourself, reality outside of your perception gives you it. Think of consciousness as a beam of light pouring through the crack of a cave wall. The way to get more is let reality smash your life with a hammer. More of the stone mind prison breaks, more light is allowed in, more consciousness. Experience is the name of the game, experiencing the outside to shape your inside. >It's a mind problem, and it should be solved in the mindIt's a fire problem and it should be solved with fire. It's a flood, it should be solved with more water. It's dust in the eyes, it should be solved with more dust in the eyes. Notice how this doesn't make sense? It's because it cannot make sense. The way to solve the mind's problems is with the body. The way to solve the bodies problems is with the mind. Mind/Body relationship is what needs to be harmonized my friend. Thinkers always wondered the mind/body knot dilemma:Does the mind rule the body?Or does the body rule the mind?The answer is neither. The mind and body are one. Interconnected and reciprocated in function, the left foot to a right foot, the left eye to a right eye. Like a figure 8, interlocking and in complete repeating unison. So when your mind has become a prison, your body breaks you out. And if your body is failing, your mind can find solutions. The two parts must work together in tandem. You can and should try your way however.
>>34541925Ok, thank you, I will give up my ego and self, and embrace the truth for itself. I will not live inside the cave fearing the frighting outside and the light of the sun that burns my weak skin that got used to the darkness of the cave. In it I sought comfort, but only found more misery. By abandoning the self I can be one with nature, one with the truth, one with God.Nothing good can come from who I am, because I am the problem. Maybe I will seek a route similar to Buddha into enlightenment.
>>34541966That's the spirit. Nothing good can come from who you are, but nothing bad can come from it either. The 'self' you currently have is what is called as a 'false-self'. Your actual self is what you get to meet later, or rather what you remember. For example my false self was a grandiose seeking pseudo-intellectual who genuinely believed himself possessing special intelligence (all I was doing was thinking lol. That's how delusional I was.) In actuality my real self was simply a scared shitless kid full of anger and shame, a little bitch who wanted to be a man but didn't know how so deigned to fake it all to himself to cope. And the longer this illusion went on, the more permanent the 'false-self' became, the more terrifying the idea of killing the false self became because it would feel like psychological suicide. And it was, that what it took. But the painful part wasn't breaking and shedding the false self.The painful part was realizing and accepting that the whole charade was for nothing. That none of my mental delusions were real or had merit. Nothing I ever thought of or ruminated on ever shaped reality or even gained for myself any knowledge or wisdom. It was all for nothing and effectively, 28 years of my life was unlived, lost to dissociation, devoured by brain fog. And what was left was someone who hadn't matured past the age of 12 in an adults body.If that's enlightenment then it's a brutal one. But it's worthwhile because once you let the scared and ashamed kid inside take the front seat of your life, you can actually grow. And it takes lots of pain and failure, but it's doable. Good luck brotha.
>>34542025It is only be abandoning the self we can see the truth. It will be absolutely hard and painful, but we are animals born out of suffering and pain, so everything great that can be created will require that, like the winter that creates the spring, everything good has a price of pain. There's no heaven on this earth, only battles.
>>34542025>>34542060>Good luck brotha.Good luck to you also.
You sound more avoidant personality disorder to me than vulnerable narc. Narcissism usually means you lack insight. You're not self aware of what you're doing. And if you were you'd make lots of excuses and rationalizations.
>>34542266I wasn't aware until recently, now I'm addicted to this life.
