I am so overwhelmed.I have a condition called Benzodiazepine Induced Neurological Dysfunction. Basically after tapering off benzos my GABA receptors have struggled to regulate back to pre benzo performance.It's been 7 years. It took 5.5 years to stop being housebound. Muscle spasms, DPDR, TMJ pain, screaming tinnitus, crippling insomnia, seeing light blotches, digestive issues, extreme brain fog to the point where holding simple conversations had me tongue tied.At 29 I tried to treat my severe anxiety and go back to school. My psych gave me Lorazepam. Within 6 months I had interdose withdrawal and asked to be tapered off. 2 week taper, fucked me up.Now 7 years later I can think clearly again, no more brainfog. Tinnitus volume went down like 90-95%, only the occasional small muscle twitch, moderate insomnia(sleep 5 hours a night).But I am pushing 40 with no skills now, I should be lucky that I healed as people in support groups are 10 years out still fucked. But I just wanna die because the very last of my decent years were burned away suffering in confusion and pain.I hate psych meds, I hate I lost all this time. I am worthless and my life is mostly over.Can anyone just offer some words or advice?
There is no point in lamenting the situation and what was lost. You can grieve it ofc but don't get stuck with it. Yes it's unfortunate but people have to try to get back up after brutal beat downs every day. See it as any other person that has to learn to slowly gather themselves again after loss and tragedy. Like someone that has to get their life back in order after being in a coma for ten years. It's not going to be easy but it's also not impossible. Ofc you'll have more difficulties than someone that never had to deal with this but unfortunately there's nothing to be done about this being unfair. The only thing you can really do now is to keep your eyes on the present and the future. Good luck anon, I hope you find your way.
I'm not a fan of benzos. I'm sorry you had to experience this.However, your life isn't over at 40. Just like it wasn't at 30. 40 is quite young to be despairing over your age.Like the other anon said, what is done is done and allowing yourself to suffer as if the worst of it is still happening to you accomplishes nothing. You are carrying a boulder. Let the boulder go.Perhaps try and get a sleep study done if you haven't already, improving the quality of your sleep will help your mood a lot, which will help with the feelings of regret and despair.Maintain a healthy diet, sleep good, get some time outside and breathe some fresh air at least a few times a week... See a therapist if it's hard to motivate yourself to do any of these things. If you aren't on meds currently but you're in need of serious help, there are much safer meds than benzos for extreme anxiety and depression. Just stay away from Effexor or a lot of antipsychotics, is all.You'll be okay. I'm not saying this dismissively, I'm saying this with a hug, anon. I'm proud of you for getting here.
