I was cooking and you passed by the window. You ugly.

srsly, tho, the hell are you trying to get at? Bad tasting food? Ugly looking dishes? The creature that lives in the fridge, behind the mayonnaise, next to the ketchup and to the left of the cole slaw? I think it was once a head of cabbage. We call him Frank now. Dude says hi, btw.

>>22208654
Nah. I feel sorry for you having to live in an apartment poor homo.

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>>22208654
>We call him Frank now
His name is General Chow, you rat fuck.

>>22208639
two stories kinda similar. A line cook went missing, we had a shed out back where we kept all the linens,....she was totally drunk passed out on top of a pile of towels. fired.

Managing, for some reason my boss hired this half homeless guy. good at first. I noticed he would go missing for extended period of time. One time i was like okay this isnt a smoke break, go to look for him. upstairs bathroom is locked,,,, peep under the door and see hes asleep on the ground. tell my boss. hes fired.
felt bad but fuck that.

>>22208639
I was baking some chicken breasts and accidentally put them on wax paper instead of parchment paper. It was a smokey, firey mess.

>get drunk
>head to store to get steak and more beer
>open front door, hit with gas smell and hear a hissing
>heart nearly stopped
>drop groceries and rush over to stove (eggs were in there and splattered all over the inside of the bag)
>carefully shut off the burner so as not to trigger the lighter
>open door and turn on all fans
>quit drinking for 6 months after that

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>>22208639
one time I used waaaaay too much oil for one of my first attempts at stir-fry

>>22208659
>live in an apartment
Wrong.
>poor
Wrong again.
>homo
And the hat trick.
>>22208661
Deep cut.

Had the classic Thanksgiving "the dog ate the turkey" moment once. Seriously on holidays keep an eye on those fuckers.

>>22208713
dude, traditional thanksgiving dinner fucking sucks for the most part, especially turkey YUCK . Make some lobster legs, clams, mussels, mashed potatoes, steak, green beans, miso soup, alfredo pasta. something awesome. I worked at a sushi restaurant and the thai owners would go balls to the wall with our thanksgiving family meals, it totally changed my mind. my mom wont have it though cause shes a stupid fucking bitch

>>22208731
We finally said fuck turkey and go with a steak tenderloin now for holidays for the most part. Turkey is stupidly overrated just because of "muh thanksgiving". Honestly, I liked the gross processed turkey they gave us in school more than my mom's turkey.

>>22208703
>mass replier
I don't feel sorry for you.

>>22208731
>>22208741
Thanksgiving turkey is phenomenal if you know how to cook.

>>22208753
Which most people don't know how to do. I might tell my mom to fuck off this year and I'll do the turkey. It sucks.

>>22208731
My family does a low country boil for Thanksgiving most years. It's a lot less bullshit to deal with and the end result isn't a dry, boring ass turkey. I'm still forced to bring a green bean casserole though.

>>22208742
holy esl

>>22208654
>The creature that lives in the fridge, behind the mayonnaise, next to the ketchup and to the left of the cole slaw?
You don't need to be so specific. Saying "behind the mayonnaise" is enough.
>but it's a quote from Garfield!
Yeah fuck him and whoever wrote it too

>>22208771
>You don't need to be so specific
But I was. How does that make you feel?

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>>22208778

>>22208767
spotted the dumb

>>22208785
you don't understand the meaning of basic words like "mass"

>>22208790
I understand that your body is a large mass.

>>22208767
That wasn't "ESL", retard.

>>22208771
Jim Davis writes Garfield.

>>22208798
Yes it was. The anon doesn't understand the meaning of the word mass

>>22208800
You mean wrote. Hopefully he's dead.

>>22208805
Neither does your internal trigger to just say no.

>>22208809
>>22208791
Sorry you're so butthurt

>>22208639
i tried to make steamed prawn dumplings but used puff pastry for the wrapping

>>22208639
Mistook the baking soda box for the corn starch box. Made the whole pot taste of boiled lobster shells. Sort of learned a trick for that particular flavor but it did have to be tossed out.

Worst one from my family was cracking a spoiled egg onto an overly hot pan and having to toss out said pan. Just into the fucking wood line because fuck that smell.

>>22208703
Poor knife work?

I have shit knives but I'm smart enough to cut like a cave man and keep my fingers away from the bleed stick. Elaborate.

>>22208859
What happened?
Did you finish in a steamer basket? Did you fry it ?
So many ways this could play out and I don't bake so idk what the hell the bread did.
I have fucked up dumplings before and just crushed them up for a semi noodle and filling dish.

>>22208884
Wood line?

>>22208886
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/deep%20cut

>>22208890
steamer basket. the pastry was sloppy and raw and the prawn's didn't cook. my mate tried one, dry wretched and had to spit it out. abject failure.

>>22208639
you first dipshit

>>22208913
Cook your dumpling filling before it goes in the basket. The basket is just for the dumpling and draining off fats. You would have been fine if you did the filling first.

>>22208897
Sorry country folk. The woods. The line between the yard and when you stop trying to manage nature.

>>22208673
>asleep on the ground
Gross, I would have to shower at least twice if I fell asleep in a restaurant bathroom floor

>>22208673
stop interrupting people's snooze time you caffeine addled fuck

>>22208639
>>22202890

>>22208679
Lol I almost did this, my dad's girlfriend noticed as I was ripping off a sheet of the wax paper.

>>22208691
>turn on all fans
If this was a Final Destination movie that would have made a spark, but not actually set off the gas, you would have died from slipping on the cracked eggs.

>>22209216
kek

>>22208938
well someone falling asleep in the bathroom usually means they were doing heroin lol

>>22208639
>Kitchen horror stories
One's brewing in my kitchen right now
>very tired this weekend
>grandpa is sick and bedbound, had to take care of him
>while working the day job
>thankfully uncle and his family came down to help out
>as thanks, let the cousins order whatever junk food they wanted (100$ worth of junk food)
>finally weekend, manage to get 10 hours of solid sleep because uncle and aunt are caring for grandpa in my place
>decide i want to treat everyone to pizza today but ordering out is too expensive
>get flour and make dough
>get tomatoes and make sauce
>put expired oregano, rosemary and dried garlic chunks in the sauce
>put cornstarch to thicken the sauce
>notice there were a dozen spiders and a bunch of spiderweb in the oregano bottle
>asked a cousin to put a wet cloth on the fermenting dough, he puts a washcloth
>forgot to wash hand before kneeding the dough, realise afterwards

Fuck it, if 250C doesn't kill the bacteria, they deserve to infect me.

>>22208703
>w-wrong again
Coping poor confirmed Bet you're a dropout too.

>>22208851
IMAX tier projection

>>22209429
what you project about others you see in yourself

>>22208639
>place all used flatware in cup in the sink to keep it organized and easier to wash
>wife places fork next to cup in bottom of sink

>>22209517
>look! i repeated what he said back to him! aren't i clever??

>>22209517
Oh hush.
>>22209429
iyss, kiddo : )
I can just about guarantee that I've got more education and a much much higher net worth than the majority of other posters here. Maybe not income, admittedly. Our cash is mostly illiquid, tied up in a pair of real estate holdings, but I've got a decent amount in savings.

>>22208639
>be me, about 13 years old
>still learning how to cook
>heard about meats paired with fruits
>want to impress family
>cooked a London broil on a skillet. Salt pepper, garlic powder like a normal steak
>then, in my fever dream mind, smeared apricot jam (the only fruit thing I wouldn't need to chop)
>turned out horribly
>banned by family from kitchen for two weeks

>>22208731
My family has opted for salmon and chicken rather than turkey. Phenomenal upgrade

>>22209669
Never heard of a London broil? Is it an American dish?

>>22208753
I smoke mine and it's fucking awesome.

>>22208639
was going to put red pepper flakes in my canned ravioli, the top came off and a metric fuckload of them came out into the bowl. I tried to scoop it out but there was just so much. I ate it anyway and ended up absolutely melting some porcelain when I had to shit next

>>22209677
Not quite. It's a preparation of lean beef, usually flank or round. It's not a set dish.

>>22208741
>>22208766
>>22209672
That's most def what's up. I wish more people had this mindset.

>>22209677
You are on the internet. You are capable of looking it up

>>22208753
Has anyone tried deep-frying a brined and breaded whole turkey?

>>22209701
>blah blah blah look it up @grok
Yeah I already did, doesn't mean I don't want to talk about it.

Retarded faggot.

>>22208639
My brother used the oil from canned tuna to cook a tuna omelette because he tought it would bring out the tuna flavor even more, it didnt end well, kitchen stank of tuna for hours and the omelette had an overpowering disgusting tuna taste, he tried to eat it out of pride but halfway he started to retch and had to accept the fact he messed up big time.

>>22209701
He is asking on a cooking imageboard, doesnt that count as looking it up?

>>22209421
Extra fun texture of spiders too

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>>22209421
>notice there were a dozen spiders and a bunch of spiderweb in the oregano bottle
WHAT?!

>>22209821
He means mites. Mites also spin webs and tend to infest dried goods easily.

>>22209860
then why did he type "spiders"?

>>22208766
Try a French onion green bean casserole this year. I forget if it was Chef John or not who made the recipe. It's really good.

>>22209865
People misidentify mites for spiders all the time because they're unaware that mites are also arachnids and also spin silk.

>>22208698
good lord

>>22208922
That's not where trash goes, you pile of shit.

I was making dinner with my wife and I was cutting an onion in half. The first 1/4 inch of the onion was normal, and then the knife just pushed through like warm butter. The 2 halves of the onion fell apart, and the core was this pale yellow grayish goo, kind of like tapioca. It was the worst smelling thing I've ever encountered. I immediately started dry heaving and my eyes were burning, and my wife starts screaming "WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ANON OH MY GOD I CANT BREATHE"

It was some kind of fermented sulfur zit. I ran outside with the onion and threw it straight in the trash can. The next day I was leaving for work and the old black garbage man waved at me and opened the can to get the bags and started screaming and rubbing his eyes lol

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>>22208639
I once was so hungry that I re-heated up a pan I had left on the stove the day before to get the grease palatable again and then I drank it. Slurped is maybe the more appropriate word.

>>22208639
>break 15 eggs in a bowl to make a recipe
>last one is rotten
>had to throw everything in the toilet
To this day I'm still mad.

>>22209935
>anonymous marriage

check this PB&J hack out

for the ultimate PBJ, two pieces of toast, one with peanut butter (crunchy) one with jelly, in the middle? an un toasted slice. yes the british "bread sandwich", add potato chips or whatever you like

don't have all the ingredients? just bread and peanut butter?

peanut butter and hot sauce. whatever shitty hot sauce your fridge is holding, just PB and hot sauce, toasted or not. trust me. try it. im not even high, i've just been huffing engine cleaner all day thats it

>>22209887
It could've been mites, i didn't really see any actual spiders just a lot of web. I assumed it would've been many spiders to get so much web into the bottle

>>22209982
lol that's why you're supposed to crack them into a cup first

>>22210074
>Kitchen horror stories

In my fourteen years as a cook, some of them as a bona fide big boy chef, the last few as just a line cook again because I had a kid and stopped giving a fuck and just want to work forty hours and pay my bills, I have seen a lot of gnarly shit, although I haven't been too hurt myself.
I've seen a severely alcoholic woman chop off her on the deli slicer, I've seen a junkie nod off at the fryer and fall in face first, I've held an old dishwasher in my arms while he died of a heart attack, tried CPR until the paramedics got there but I think he was dead before he hit the ground. He was an alcoholic and a coke head in his 60s, surprised he lived that long.
But aside from a few light cuts and burns when I was green, because I'm not a retard nor a junkie, I've never really had any big fuck ups in the kitchen, myself. It's actually a really easy job, if you don't pretend that you're working as hard and stressful a job as say, an iron worker, and you don't fall for the "cooks are rock star pirates!" bullshit and wind up addicted to drugs.

>>22210122
She chopped off her fingers, I meant to say, the prep cook lady. I'm a phone gag and I'm taking a shit right now.

>>22210122
>>22210123
I took a week off and one of the ladies wasn't working anymore, I asked what was up and was told that an oven fell on her
She was in the hospital for like 3 weeks, burnt the shit out of her arms.

I was making 3 am spaghetti when I was drunk and my roommate came home fucked up on uppers and drunk and he convinced me to trade brojobs but I couldn't get hard because im not gay so we stopped. Then I was so ashamed I couldn't eat my spaghetti and my roommate enthusiastically ate it all.

>>22210143
I'm gay and even I don't think I could do that.

>>22210122
What is this looney toons shit? Is everyone in a commercial kitchen some kind of drug addict?

>>22210104
He's a retard but peanut butter and scorpion tabasco is pretty good

>>22208731
Lot of words to say you are a cooklet.

>>22210149
You're quite new here

cats

>>22210149
Not everyone, but yeah, most of them. Where I've been for the past few years isn't as bad, it's mostly college kids and stoners, but I've worked at plenty of places, even some very high end places, where most of the staff is far more interested in doing drugs and posing, than actually cooking.

>>22210122
Every restaurant I have worked in has someone who tells those same stories.

>>22208639
>Buy a different frozen pizza
>Didn't notice it is fresh dough and not prebaked like my usual brand
>Place it directly on the oven rack
>Pizza starts melting through
>Try to salvage it but it ends up a broken mess
>Form it into a ball and angrily toss it in the trash, splashing tomato sauce and cheese bits from the counter to the bin
>Cries because it was pricey
The wall behind the bin still has some stains

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>>22209935
>the old black garbage man waved at me and opened the can to get the bags and started screaming and rubbing his eyes lol
Jesus wtf was wrong with that onion?

>>22208884
>cracking a spoiled egg onto an overly hot pan
I've done this. It's a lesson you only have to learn once.
Didn't have to toss the pan but I've been cracking my eggs into a bowl first ever since.

>>22209934
It's metal

>>22210143
I’m sure the roommate remembers that night fondly lmao

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>>22209935

>>22209433
i imagine you're experiencing a lot of butthurt after spewing non stop diarrhea (aka bad jokes) out of your anus

>>22210644
was this less embarrassing in your head?

>>22208654
>Oh, you darn fool, you darn fool, can't you plainly see?
>It's nothing but a cabbage head that grandma sent to me
>Many a-miles I've traveled; a thousand miles or so
>I never saw a head of cabbage with hair upon it before!

>easter sunday a few years ago
>drunk as a skunk and i wanted some eggs
>grab the carton out of the fridge
>start cracking them into the pan one at a time
>crack the 6th egg
>it fucking explodes
>all over my shirt
>into the pan and ruined the other eggs
>all over the glass cooktop
>stand there for a second processing it
>the egg starts cooking on the glass top
>entire house instantly filled with the stench of burning rotten egg
>turn off the burner and throw the pan in the sink as fast as i can and run out on the deck
>nonstop puking over the railing for the next half hour
>couldnt eat eggs for a year
that was the day i learned that my mom buys multiple cartons of eggs at the same time, and likes to mix and match them when one of them gets low. she must have moved this single egg between maybe a dozen cartons before i found it. what the fuck man.

>>22210149
Pretty much, yeah.

Snorting lines out of the microwave because the cameras couldn't see there was a fun passtime

>>22208698
fuck ass fork pisses me off. fuck you. stupid fork having ass motherfucker

>>22208731
>>22209700
This guy has never cooked thanksgiving dinner, he just bitches about what his mom makes and eats it angrily in his bedroom

>>22212411
I cracked an egg into a pan once and it was green. like green eggs and ham green. it looked like a saint Patrick's day dyed egg. I washed the pan but I still didn't want to even use the pan after that. what kind of bacteria turns an egg green like a cartoon

>>22210143
>guy tricks you into sucking his dick and then eats your food
smooth

>working in kitchen located in the back of a rural gas station on the coast that also sells fishing bait, etc.
>one closing shift at 4pm, check the back door and find an entire box of frozen bait shrimp that was just left out to rot in the Florida sun in July for presumably hours, $100+ of product ruined
>The freezer with ample room to fit the box was less than 3 feet away, someone just left that shit and forgot about it
>later, reaching in the box taking handfuls of bagged rotten shrimp and throwing them in a trash bag to take to the dumpster, one of the fucking shells from the shrimp pricks my finger through the glove and draws blood
>lose my shit internally, run to the handwashing sink, scrub the fuck out of it with soap and apply alcohol wipes and neosporin with extreme prejudice
Genuinely thought I was going to lose the finger for a bit, but nothing happened and it healed normally since it was just a pinprick
Why the FUCK didn't I just take the whole box and yeet it into the dumpster, what was I thinking

I assume all the stories about rotten eggs are coming from americans?
In my 33 years of life ive never once encountered a rotten egg and I eat eggs pretty much daily.

Thats why eggs shouldnt be washed and bleached.

>>22214359
I've been living in the US continuously since Y2K and have never encountered a rotten egg here nor back home in IT/CH.

>>22209211
Sleep at home, not on the job

>>22208731
>>22208753
Deep fried brined turkey is outstanding, youre missing out

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>in upscale neighborhood
>dressed smartly
>walk into British tea and pasty Cafe
>everything looks alright
>being led to table
>"chef" or someone in the food production walks out of kitchen
>short sleeves
>tattoos on both arms
>don't even sit down
>go to the bathroom
>leave

Never again which sucks because there aren't any British food/tea rooms near me.

>>22210143
Looks like you had a wet noodle anon lololololol

>>22214359
I got a rotten egg just a few weeks ago from one of my neighbor's chickens. The egg was maybe 4 days from being laid. Im in America. Rotten eggs can happen anytime.

>>22214359
i've only ever gotten rotten eggs when using fresh eggs
grcery store eggs last weeks in the fridge

>>22214410
i still have some with 2025 best buy dates, when you crack them theyre a bit more jelly like, but not rotten

>>22210591
>not a single (You) for this mildly funny OC

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https://vocaroo.com/1c4tR37Kv4WO

>>22214525
Be glad you had the foresight to use paper so you didnt have to throw out that pan

>>22208639
Two cause each aren’t that bad

A few months back mom had leftover pickle juice and wanted to try marinating chicken in it for a dish. She left it for at least a day, maybe more, in the juice before cooking it in a rice dish (rice dish might’ve also had pickle juice in it). She tries it and absolutely hates it because it is overwhelmingly pickely. She refused to eat it and gave it to me. The chicken and rice weren’t bad, but tasted so much like pickle that it was like you gave a pickle the texture of rice and chicken.

The second incident happened a few years ago when she was making a recipe for a Hershey pie from an old 70s cookbook. I was with her and near the end we weren’t sure if the pie needed more time to cook since it didn’t look done enough. I said we should go for longer and she went along with my suggestion. The pie came out with the texture of a rubber eraser and to this day she still brings it up whenever I make a cooking suggestion.

>>22214542
nothing some baking soda and vinegar can't fix

>>22214517
so go see if r/cooking likes your picture

>>22214546
>she still brings it up whenever I make a cooking suggestion
Women love holding onto shit like this, but it just means you don't fuck up much so it stands out the few times you do.
Next time remind her that she went along with it.

>>22214558
But it's not my picture, I just gave him a (You)

>Go on 2 week vacation with gf
>When we get back, stop at her place first
>Her kitchen and bedrooms are swarming with fucking FRUIT FLIES
>She didn't do the dishes or take out the trash before going on the trip

>>22214629
Somebody at my work really likes bananas but they keep dumping the peels in the office trash cans that are meant for paper and plastic waste.
Those get dumped once a week, the bathroom trash cans get emptied daily.
I think the guy WANTS fruit flys.

>>22214602
Thanks : )

Some made up bullshit I thought would sound funny.

>>22209821
God made big, jumping spiders just to spite humanity.

>>22213924
The dick tasted better than the spaghetti, especially the delicious cheese.

>>22214700
Yeah it really sucks because once you get them once they lay eggs in all your drains and you'll never get rid of them unless you go full boiling water holocaust mode on every drain in the house.

>>22214830
This but unironically

>>22208673
>hey boss i looked through the crack of the bathroom door and--
fired

>>22210644
>diarrhea (aka bad jokes) out of your anus
what is anus in this scenario?

>>22215012
his hurt butt

>>22212200
The wordplay on this parody is excellent, I think it’d be a great nursery rhyme

>>22214760
You're welcome :D

>>22214564
>Next time remind her that she went along with it.
>"And that's why I don't listen to you anymore"
Don't fall for their tricks.

>>22214376
you know you're describing 99% of food workers, righ? genuinely what were you expecting? suit with top hat and tails and a monocle?

>>22215901
Shit's small

>>22208654
the line cook horror stories thread was great

>>22208673
>brownnosing the boss and ratting out other employees
was the raise worth it?

>>22214359
>only american eggs can go bad
cool, another "dumb deliberately false shit euros say to try and claim superiority over Americans" quote to add to my collection

>>22214564
no, you just stop doing things for them and if they bring up how you don't do anything anymore remind them of how much they appreciated it the last time.

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>>22215901

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>made like 5lbs of crab pasta salad
>store in big ass glass serving bowl with plastic lid
>go to grab a serving
>slips and shatters on kitchen floor
>never even got to eat any
>had to use regular broom to sweep up heavy cold moist seafood salad full of shards of glass
>the sadness really kicked in as im washing mayonnaise diced onions and smashed shell pasta out of broom bristles in apt bathtub
>cant even thoroughly clean it because afraid of invisible glass shards
>never make seafood salad again

>>22216622
lol

>>22214359
I'm 43 and have seen tens of thousands of eggs in my lifetime working in the food business and just eating them and have never once encountered these alien eggs before. Feels like some made up mumbo jumbo.

>>22210122
>has a kid and loses vigor and passion for chosen vocation
how sad. Im sure this mentality wont also be passed down to your children and their children until end of your bloodline

>>22214546
Deserved for being too dumb to stick a pin or fork in the pie to test it. Blemish on your mom for not knowing that and not teaching you properly either. Seems like you come from a long line of cooklets.

>>22216641
Anon that's so sad... ;_;
I hope you make seafood salad again one day, it sounds delicious

>>22216641
Breaking glass with food is the worst

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>>22209971

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>>22217120
> being a present father is bad ackshually

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>>22210149
>Is everyone in a commercial kitchen some kind of drug addict?
The waitstaff too.

>>22208698
And when was this?

>>22208713
How many was everyone? kek

>>22216641
Ah fuck that is really shitty anon. I hate when glass ruins food because there's really nothing you can do other than dispose of it

>>22217262
Once I dropped a piping hot bowl of chef boyardee on the floor and had to frantically dig through scalding ravioli to get them all into the trash before all my parents dogs scarfed up the glass sprinkled pasta

>>22208713
one year my cats ate half a pan of raw yeast rolls that I left out to proof

>>22208661
Between this and the guy living underneath their foundation that tried to cook them alive the Sinclairs had a lot of squatters

>>22217432
>everything in life is either one extreme or another.

Made a soup out of stuff I had in the pantry. Added milk to have more liquid. Did it before bringing it up to heat. Scorched the fuck out of the bottom of the pot. Soup turned out good, but the bottom of the pot, up to the walls was pure carbon.

Had to spend two hours scrubbing the burnt layer at the bottom. Used vinegar to get most of it off, then scrubbed the last bits out with hot water and baking soda

Got it spotless.

>be me like 14 or whatever
>decide to make creme caramele for mum's birthday
>cooklet and bakelet so this is a big endeavour
>the caramel actually comes together, the custard base in my nigger rigged pot-in-a-pot bain marie actually seems to works, pour everything into the final dish with high hopes for success
>has to set in the fridge overnight
>fridge is absolutely full from other prep, but it's winter so I can just leave it outside in the garden and it should set just fine, no problemo
>next morning
>it rained overnight
>my stupid retarded ass left it uncovered
>instead of creme caramel we have some kind of rainwater custard soup

>>22216641 Reminded me of this, I feel your pain.

>>22217875
I’m guessing you never worked in a kitchen

>>22217546
probably 2009-2010 or so

>>22208805
what the fuck did you think he meant? a mass at church?

>>22208639
>be me
>make spaghetti bolognese
>leftovers go in tupperware
>consume the leftover goodness the next day
>leave the dirty tupperware container with the lid on in my room for a few weeks
>time to do the dishes
>open the lid
>the container is filled to the top with a spiderweb of mold
>jolt and drop the container on the floor in utter shock and fear

>>22212200
>mfw anon also has a saddle on a sow

>>22216604
>just do my work while i have a quick nap, thanks bro

>>22218816
So why do you have a decades old photo of an oily plate?

>>22218836
I once cooked kompot, poured it into plastic bottles and then forgot a half-empty one in my room for several months. When I next discovered it, there was some kind of wild kombucha growing in the bottle, it was solid enough that it didn't go down the drain and I had to fish it out and put it in the bin.

Then I did the same thing several more times when making kompot. I wonder if I should keep one of them next time and try to make actual kombucha with it

>>22218836
>filled to the top
eugh

>>22215934
The one of the rape victim retard purposefully dunking himself into the deep fryer stays with me. Fucking horrifying.

>>22218826
Not only is two not "mass" in the context of "a mass reply", but replying to them both with distinct, /separate conceptual responses/ also disqualifies the post from being a "mass reply". You fucking retard.

>>22208698
wtf is this fork

>>22218955
It's a fok.

>>22209421
How the fuck did spiders get in your oregano?

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>>22209971

>>22217548
Go lay down

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>about 12 years ago
>live in tiny ass one room apartment
>used air fryer to make some fries and tendies
>sit down at PC and eat food while watching something
>*WOOF*
>turn to stove
>air fryer is on fire
>"Huh."
>check out what the fuck is happening
>I put the air fryer on a stove element because there isn't space anywhere else in the tiny ass apartment
>I accidentally bumped the dial and turn on the element
>no panic
>turn off element
>go to bath, open curtains all the way
>put on oven gloves
>grab burning air fryer
>carry it to bath while it's dripping melting plastic everywhere and drop it in
>turn on shower, put out instantly
>go back to stove
>still small fire burning in the element
>turn on the fan, thinking I'll wait for it to burn itself out since it's just a small plastic fire
>it keeps burning
>well whatever, plastic fire, let's pour some water on it
>IT FUCKING EXPLODES
>then it goes out
>forgot I had a tablespoon of oil in the air fryer
>apartment smelled like garbage for weeks

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>>22210187
Well that made my day.

>>22214629
What is it with fruit flies lately? They seem to be all over the place.

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>>22218971
I meant to say how mad?
I am laying down

>>22208713
Lemme guess, labrador?

>>22218981
It's late summer/early autumn, fruit harvest season

>>22218981
I've been hiding bananas in random places.

>>22208639
I accidentally circumcised myself with cheese one time.
It was sharp cheddar!

>>22218933
this

Mostly one of my mom’s kitchen horror stories…

One time, she made flan for her NYE dessert, as she is prone to do, while I decided to make a passion fruit cheesecake.

My mom always leaves the flan in the mold until the last minute in the fridge, and when she tried to unmold it, it wouldn’t come out. So I told her to put the pan over the gas flame to melt the caramel, but she started violently shaking the flan mold, and out it came, plopping onto the plate and looking like a plate of vomit.

Meanwhile, my cheesecake was perfect. I’ll never forget the look my mom gave me. kek.

>>22219282
Haha your mom is a dumb bitch

>>22218916
it kinda sounds like you made an accidental mother of vinegar sorta bacteria slab, could be worth experimenting further
>>22218924
yeah it was fucked. and I even tried to clean out the container afterwards in the vain hope that it could still be used, but it had just seeped through the plastic

>>22219347
>it kinda sounds like you made an accidental mother of vinegar sorta bacteria slab
That's exactly what it looked like, I assumed more kombucha than vinegar since it was based on berry juice but the concepts are similar anyway

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>>22218961
NTA but I doubt they were spiders. Pantry moth larva make silky webbing like strands. It looks like this.

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>>22208639
a poo-in-loo restaurant

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>>22215901
>>22215931
>>22216622
for the lazy

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>>22218962
I was hungry and had nothing else to eat. I didn't get sick or anything so it was aight.

>>22208713
Just get rid of the mutt.

>>22209935
No way it's worse than rotting potatoes. Those smell like rotting pussy for some reason. Though, the last time some went bad, it smelled like earthy mildew, and I thought it was the tile that the washer sometimes leaks onto until I pulled out the taters.

>>22214359
As a 39 year old American, I've never encountered one.

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>>22214546
Your mother is a piece of shit and deserves my husband. Why don't you throw her picklcken rice in her stupid bitch face?

What. Because I made 5 replies? You'd figure websites WANT replies. Got dMn.

>>22218993
Thank you for laying down, you may stand up now

>>22219791
Up shut

>>22218993
Are you in Japan?

>>22219784
If you on xfinity I think it got range banned, happened to me too

>>22220181
No, uk

>>22208753
This is true. I grew up eating dry ass turkey and roasts that were always well done. Once I had a taste of a dry brined perfectly cooked turkey I was amazed.

>>22208766
>low country boil
For anybody else wondering: https://www.seriouseats.com/lowcountry-boil-from-around-the-southern-tabl

Baker at a restaurant I used to work at got his arm caught in the dough hook. It was almost a year before he was able to work again, 5 surgeries.

>>22214525
I remember this post

>>22219282
Haha your mom is a dumb bitch

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My pops once used raisins as a replacement for brown sugar on a baked ham. Tasted absolutely vile, like the polar opposite of sweet.

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so we usually get our meats pre cut but this one time mum bought a whole skinless chicken and told me to cook it. Now at that time we didn't have a single sharp knife in the house for some reason and so I had to hack and saw and pull apart that chicken with a dull knife and my hands. picrel is the result. I'd say I did a pretty decent job considering the knife was so blunt it wouldn't cut through butter

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>>22208673
>two stories kinda similar. A line cook went missing, we had a shed out back where we kept all the linens,....she was totally drunk passed out on top of a pile of towels. fired.

HOLY SHIT I NEED TO DATE THIS WOMAN ASAP!
PLEASE GIVE PHONE NUMBER. I LIVE IN INDIA BUT CAN FLY THERE IF NEEDED

>>22221408
your dad is doing something wrong. raisins ARE sweet and should go pretty well with meat dishes that call for sweetness.

do you like raisins by themselves?
is he slapping the raisins on the meat before the multiple-hour trip in the oven and carbonizing them?

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>>22221626
anon, what the fuck?
the hacksaw cut on the tights i can excuse due to dull knives, but why would you cut the breast in 4 like that?
you're supposed to cut it lengthwise and open it like a book

>>22220181
Nope, have some fancy shit. Uh, like, fast and direct; they installed fiberoptics in thr streets to every house or some shid. Plateau? They judt love randomly banning me for 0 reason. Or there's another anon somewhere in this small town, cause it seems to happen a lot, even when I don't post frequently.

This one time, a faggot told me that neopolitan pizza was better than American pizza and I shot him right in his queer face. I had to throw away the rice pudding I was making.

>No ja/ck/
Shit thread

there’s a dude on this board that does ‘home cooking’ threads and those a pretty horrifying

>>22221626
>skinless
???
there’s a lot of skin

>>22221631
ofc you live in India

>>22208753
this
I'm convinced people that shit on Thanksgiving turkey are just cooklets or retarded

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>>22208639
>be me fresh outta some cookin' academy 13 years ago
>friend of my aunt is my doorway to gettin' actual cookin' jerbs after failin' several interviews and short stages
>tells me stories besides tellin' me which jerb is open lookin' fer cooks WITHOUT 2 years of experience
>tells me one story about him still workin' in Manhattan that haunts my mind to this day
>worked in some midtown fancy place that made alot of it's food from scratch
>one of his co-workers was a spanish guy who worked garde manger and made dressings
>one day he goes in the back to get something for prep
>around the corner he finds the spanish guy vigorously jacking off into the salad dressing
>"When I'm horny, I just jack off in to the Caesar Dressing."
>said this while smiling
>mfw
>mfw he never answered my question of where this restaurant was

It still bothers me to this day. And I'll never know if that guy got fired, found out, or moved on.

>>22208731
>lobster legs
Kys

>>22221764
Raisins are a completely different level of sweet to brown sugar. He didn't let them burn on the ham they sat in the pineapple + ham juice as it cooked.

I think he could have made it work but he's not much of a taste tester. Even when you make it right with brown sugar I find I still need to add a lot when turning the drippings and such into a sauce. A little bit of extra ground clove always saves the day there too.

>>22216641
Why didn't you use a spatula or flat lid or plate to scrape it up?

>>22222039
Yeah I meant skin-on

>>22221389
Ugh god that scream must have been terrible

>>22221626
If you got it whole already, why did you cut it before cooking? Just roast the damn thing and then carve it when it's done (or eat off the carcass like a troglodyte if you have no knives and want to have fun)

>>22223200
>the idea of pan-cooking a chicken is so alien, that the cooklet cannot conceive of any reason to not roast it whole

>>22223213
>you have a whole chicken
>you do not have a knife or any cutting utensils
>do you A: saw it apart with a dull knife and your bare hands
>or B: just fucking roast the chicken

>>22217896
wtf were you using coal

>>22223313
Coal is just milk that's been heated really hot

>>22223219
C: soup the clucky cunt

>>22218981
They're here for you

>grandma had dementia
>tried to fry some cubed potatoes and leftover roast
>mistook karo syrup for vegetable oil
>giant sticky mess
And that's how anon took over the family cooking

>>22223313
Milk just does that if its heated too much

I was smoking a deer ham, which is lean, so I had some beef trimmings in a pan next to it to render down and inject it with. The fat wasn't melting like I liked so I poured it in a coffee mug and put it in the microwave for 5 minutes. Luckily this was all outside because when I came back the cup was on fire and a black crust had formed on top of the fat and horrid stinking smoke was billowing out

>>22224710
5 MINUTES?!!! Lord, I hope you never reproduce.

>>22219367
it'll be fine: the oregano has probably lost its flavor tho

>>22214359
have eaten supermarket eggs 4+ weeks past their date limits: still good lmao

>>22214525
uh what's the issue here, this looks edible (breaded broccoli and chicken? at worst it's just a bit dry)

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>>22210122

>>22216641
>10 years ago
>decide to make gf a nice, easy dessert for the both of us
>settle on Smore's cookie pie made in a pyrex casserole dish
>grab it out of the fridge after it's cooled and drop it, shattering everywhere
>marshmallows on the cabinets, chocolate in the floor
>pick out what I can and eat it anyway, occasionally grinding down tiny glass shards with my teeth
If there's a lesson to be learned, it missed me

>>22224710
I am reserving judgement until I know if you had ever used a microwave before you tried that. if You did, you're a retard

>>22224990
Kek

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>>22208639

I ate cheese I left out for 9 hours and had liquid diarreah for 3 days. I actually did it again and got diarrhea again but it was only for 1 day. I never learn my lesson!

>>22225386
Cheese should keep completely fine for a few hours without a fridge, wtf kinda cheese was it

>>22210101
>crack every single egg, one at a time into a cup
no that is not how anyone does it you fucking cooklet

>>22218925
qrd?

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>>22210187
spherical food is manly and a quick, nutritious meal anon.

>>22226069
>gargling balls is manly! open up!

>>22218993
>fixxie on slicks with mountainbike flats
>prostethic coloured silk curtains
>what appears to be a doll house
>fuck ton of unkept plants
>beautiful hardwood closet
>plastic covered plates
>useless cardboard boxes fucking everywhere
yup. this is a japanese persons home jesus christ your style is all over the place

>>22226103
These plants are perfect. What a dumb cunt, do you know anything about plants? Since you never experience anything natural in your life and live through a screen open your search engine and look at some of the same species. I'm in the UK. There's a reason this room hasn't got a good look, but I don't need to say.
Also "flats" these clearly aren't flats, do you even know what flats are?

>>22225386
cheese can be kept at room temp for days, at most it would be a bit rancid.

>>22226074
>i just simply CAN NOT contain my homo erotic fantasies!
a sphere is geometrically superior and a symbol of power & authority

>>22219367
I hate those cunts. I had to thrash over half of my stuff in the shelves and I still find those shits around the house; Hopefully only femcels as probably most males got caught in the glue traps I put up after ordeal.

>>22226105
i live on a mountain in norway, have a dog and ride my full suspension mtb (real mans bike) every day. i make cheese, cured meat/fish, grow vegetables, legumes, tea. weed, mushrooms and other curiosities. those clearly are flats anon. what would you call them?are you thinking of clipless? cause those arent. they are FLATS. okay the umbrella tree looks fantastic especially for an indoor plant with no artificial light, but your philodendron looks fucked mate i wouldnt even know what to do with it.

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>>22226132
Oh you're talking about the Pedals, I thought you meant Handle bars. What a funny misunderstanding. They may be flats, but they have Staps, and they're also good ones.
I get where you're coming from, in all other areas of my life I like rugged hearty stuff but I have no use for something sluggish for the way I ride. Being on this bike is a thrill, you feel like you're in a rocket. Can't beat that feeling. And the bike responding to the movement of your legs just feels right. Have you even tried one? Be open minded.
Thanks for being honest about the Scheffler, you can see some Mushrooms growing on the right too

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And how is my Philodendron supposed to look? I haven't seen many of them, and it looks the same as when I got it years ago. If I didn't know any better I'd say you're being a drama queen and it's actually ok.
Also no need to rub your life in my face, it wasn't even relevant. You rim job

>>22226142
My wife has a Philodendron, its name is Phil Collins and it is not as big as yours

>>22226122
>a sphere is geometrically superior
Incorrect
>a sphere is… a symbol of power
Incorrect
>a sphere is… a symbol of… authority
Incorrect.

That would be pointed stars and spear tips. That's why police badges have stars on them and not faggy orbs, you cum-gargling homo.

>>22226152
Well show it then, I want to see how wrong I am. I've shared my life. Your turn

>>22218864
>thread about kitchen fails
>guy posts his fail
>"um, ok weirdo, why are you posting your fails here?"
fucking spastic retard aren't you

>>22226138
yes the bike is sick mate im joking lol. my brother had one without brakes, like a proper fixxie, and yes, i agree, they are absolute rockets in town. the lack of brakes is a bit wild sometimes though! do you make your own spawn and everyhting? is the biggun called a "Scheffler"? never heard of that, but its very pretty looks exactly like what people here call an umbrella. well if i had free reigns i would up-pot them. looks a bit thight, and the philodendron isnt having it. at least like a 19 liter pot for the philo, and a 35-65 liter for your "scheffler"

>>22226164
Mine has no Brakes either. You're right it is risky, I've had some Nail biting moments. Schefflera yes, Umbrella is what all plants of that species come under, it's not specific. You could call it an Umbrella term hahahah!
How much space do you think I bloody have? Bigger pots would be nice but that'll allow them to grow as much as they like.
By the way I wish I was you, one day I'll be like you :(

>>22222276
>>22208753
With how big turkeys are you basically have to choose whether you want good breast meat or good leg meat, because one or the other is going to be bad.
I usually go with the breast, and leave the legs undercooked and just finish them off the next day for pot pies or whatever. But that is a choice.

A chicken is usually small enough that you can precook the legs in a skillet before putting the bird in the oven.
But wrangling even a small turkey like that is next to impossible.

>>22226174
you are a good person anon

>>22226205
Big hug

>>22226152
What do your Wife's private parts smell like?
Slightly fishy
Not much scent
Other?

>>22226181
>With how big turkeys are you basically have to choose whether you want good breast meat or good leg meat, because one or the other is going to be bad.
It might seem the case because we've been marketed to for ages to think that massive, whole bird centerpiece is the ideal Thanksgiving dinner set up.
I'm here to tell you that aesthetics over taste will yield nothing but a pretty picture and a sad dinner. Thankfully, the turkey problem you describe is easily fixable.
See, I break down the turkey. The benefits are two-fold.
1) leg quarters in the oven first, then breast later (and wings smoked the day prior to cook with your greens on Thanksgiving itself) = no overcooked meat and
2) breaking down the bird removes the back and wingtips, which can be used to make turkey stock which can itself be used to make turkey gravy. I serve three gravies annually, plain, giblet and the unthickened roasting jus.
It might seem counterintuitive to roast the legs longer since they're smaller than the breast but they've a lot of connective tissue, yeah? Roasting low and slow a bit first before cranking up the heat for the breast allows that tissue to breakdown and become more tender. Just don't expect miracles! Those hard tendon shards won't become soft and edible but the gelatinous collagen will come undone and yield a tastier and, perhaps paradoxically, juicier drumstick. And it's pretty much impossible to overcook poultry thighs.
If you still want a centerpiece Thanksgiving, when we've a large number of guests, I roast a broken down bird and a few packs of drums and thighs, serving the breast in the middle and the leg parts around it like an unholy abomination octoturkey. Jam a few vandyked/star cut orange halves in the empty spaces, especially if you're serving an orange cranberry sauce with the meal (which you should be) and guests will think you're one fancy cunt.

>>22224876
it's chicken :( it tasted awful

>>22218955
Fish fork

>>22222645
>eat broken glass
That's not going to turn out real good anon

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>>22208639
During covid I was deep into /ck/ and layered sardines, cheese, and eggs. Slapped that son of a bitch in the oven and that was dinner.

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>>22226981
I also microwaved sardines and cheese.

>>22208654
Yo FUCK frank.

>>22213778
This.
Fatfuck mini trident usin' faggot

>>22226103
studded platform pedals are the best pedal for a fixie commuter but they can shred your shins. Also, studded platforms come from BMX.
>>22226107
Hard cheese can stay out indefinitely, soft cheeses are a crap shoot and should not be left out.

>>22226285
See>>22226981

>>22227286
Kek one time my old lady was reluctant to suck me and I had a suspicion it could be the smell. The next day she told me she just couldn't because she was getting a strong odour, she described it a rotten sardine when I asked. A week later she apologised for saying that

>>22208639
im austrian which comes with mandatory military service. after basic training i was assigned to the kitchen which cooked food for multiple bases.
1.) they dont cookall the food from scratch, some thing come frozen like for example schnitzel.
2.) once we got a huge delivery of schnitzel and i had to unpack it and spread it on baking sheets. some of the schnitzel were moldy, i was told to sort the moldy ones out and put the rest of them on the sheets. later i found out that technically you need to throw the entire box out.
3.) everything gets covered in grease and there is a special type of grease for *kombidämpfer* (steamer?) that you spray on the food like car paint. we did that in the "meat room", just a room dedicated for meat processing, but since we sprayed a lot of food there was a lot of grease in the air in that room. so sometimes atfer we finished the grease dripped from the ceiling in a few spots for a couple of hours.
4.) all the cleaning was done by people that didnt choose to be there and didnt want to be there.
5.) one time we needed to get rid of a lot of field rations (just commerical dehydrated hiking/camping food) because they went past their best by date. we cooked it into *whatever*. the whole kitchen smelled like vomit.

>>22226989
That looks good actually

>>22227734
Looks like a baked oyster topping

>>22226772
crab salad anon here, i didnt reply because i think he means clean it off the floor with something other than a broom, which he has a point

>>22227509
austrian military? for one thing you guys are a small white haven, i can't imagine why there's even a specific austrian military, let alone mandatory service. second, i figure you'd have everything fancy and unfuckwithable. austria of all places is totally subject to military logistical shitshows. huh.

>>22217734
did it live??

>>22226066
https://warosu.org/ck/thread/19122209#p19128469

>>22227347
Coomer.

>>22209704
>too big, breading's gonna burn before the bird is cooked through