I just finished chemotherapy on Friday. Now I have to start over from absolute scratch. Picrel is me today. Under 120 fucking pounds. See the weird bulge in my chest - that's the chemotherapy port. Doctors say they're not going to remove it for a couple months minimum, and if I lift weights it could tear out of my artery. But I think I'm going to starting lifting weights again anyway. I have nerve damage in my spine, (where the cancer was), still can't walk without tripping over occasionally, and there's no feeling in my penis. I was a cardiofag, ran an ultramarathon in May of last year, got diagnosed a month later, and this is the state of things now. Obviously you're supposed to feel grateful to be alive (it could have gone the other way) and sort of become a new man from the experience. At least show some fucking gratitude for the millions of dollars that went into saving your life, the hundreds of man-hours in heroic intervention from intelligent specialists. But I want to actually fucking kill myself so bad. How retarded is that? All I can think about is that the best is behind me, I'll never be the same, I'm spent and busted now and can never be the person I wanted to be. That I wasted all the best years of my life pre-cancer and that what comes next is an irrecoverable Old Age, to circle the drain for humiliating decades until something else gets me. Have to get back into the routine, maybe join a new gym or something. Maybe it's time to figure out where steroids come from, maybe it's time to fly to Brazil and get stem cell injections or whatever they do. Or get on the anti-aging scene that I used to roll my eyes at, or get a new job or move or something. Whatever it is, something has to change here, take action somehow. Having your physical capacity forcibly reset to BEFORE your starting point is fucking crazy, and nobody wants to have a broken dick, but here's life.Asking for any advice. Thanks for reading my seethe post.
>>77152574>Doctors say they're not going to remove it for a couple months minimum, and if I lift weights it could tear out of my artery. But I think I'm going to starting lifting weights again anywayJust wait a few fucking months, dude
>fell for the chemotherapy trick Tragic
>>77152574Cancer survivor success stories sell big, if you actually have the drive to get swole and look good then take a shitload of before pics and push yourself to a desirable after. I’m not even saying take the media route, that’s always overstated and they spit you out as soon as you make an appearance, but on the smaller scale everyone will respect you for the setback if you still make something of yourself. Social life, love life, work life, etc. It isn’t cripple pity either, you’ll be valued for your display of strength. This was a catastrophic, life altering experience that most people won’t go through, and because of that it’s an opportunity to show your mettle that most people won’t have.
>>77152574>All I can think about is that the best is behind me, I'll never be the same, I'm spent and busted now and can never be the person I wanted to beDifferent health issue altogether, but I know how you feel, man, and the only thing you can do is just put all of that behind you as best you can and focus on rebuilding yourself one day at a time. You will have setbacks. Learning not to let yourself wallow is a difficult thing, but I’m telling you it’s the key, at least it has been for me. I don’t let myself think about it. Sounds like you have a few months of minimal activity, so take the time to think about what you want to do with your life now, not just for fitness but all things.
>>77152574Your system is nuked. No wonder you're depressed. know that you are not yourself right now and don't do anything stupid.
>>77152618I have never had cancer, but I know this is correct. When the body is unhealthy and exhausted, it's much harder to keep a positive outlook.Try to do what you can to slowly regain your health step by step OP.
>>77152574Get a tattoo that says some about beating cancer with the date on it on your shoulder or something. People will think you're cool at the gym
>>77152611Thanks, that's actually a really cool way of looking at it. Like being open about the shit you've gone through, and just making it part of the story. I always used to espouse running uphill at your problems as the solution to everything, so I guess now it the time to actually nut up and make good on those principles. >>77152614Thanks and I'm sorry for whatever you're going through as well. "Not wallowing" and "Thinking about what I want to do with my life" is kind of the problem though, because isn't that the same thing? It's hard to do one without the other. I've been wallowing/thinking about what comes next in different hospital settings for months. Like I've never had a girlfriend, similar to many here. But I always thought "Well I'm in good shape and I go to fun places and have fun hobbies, so it'll happen someday" and never worried about it. But now that's all gone and my penis is broken - like I may have totally missed out on my chance of ever having sex period. That's pretty bad. And at my age almost all of my friends are either in serious long term relationships or married so it's pretty late to get on the field anyway. That's just one aspect. Work, the town where I live, hobbies all feel stupid or hopeless or like an enormous waste at this point. New hires at my job all have graduate degrees from good schools and they're grateful to get anything. I just paid a $500 power bill. Everything feels totally doomed. I never really thought about what I wanted from life, because I was content to keep wandering around and assumed that things would work out right in the long term. Now it feels like I fucked up every decision I ever made. >>77152618>>77152679Thanks, you're both right. I'm full of chemicals. Realistically couldn't do it to my family to kill myself anyway, that's too fucked up. Seen what suicide does to other people and I won't want contribute to that whole nightmare.
>>77152574>just finished chemotherapy>Under 120 fucking pounds>nerve damage in my spine, (where the cancer was)>I was a cardiofag, ran an ultramarathon in May of last year, got diagnosed a month laterMany such cases, unfortunately. Guessing metastatic ass cancer? Or maybe a sarcoma or something even rarer given the location?Anyway, as >>77152588 said lifting with a chemo port isn't really safe, better to just focus on eating big until it's out, but HMB works decently well as a bulking aid and is used a lot for cancer patients.>t. does dozens of prophylactic oral chemos, gave up distance running when the Inova studies started dropping
>>77152911>Many such casesSo true, marathon running might be the worst fucking thing you can do to yourself
>>77152574Your priority should be rebuilding your immune system after chemo fucked it up or else it'll come back in a few years
>Wait until doctors tell you it's safe to lift>Bulk with high protein>LiftThat's what I would do. Godspeed
>>77152911mfw i quit distance running
>>77152911>sarcomaYeah dude you totally nailed it. Ewing's Sarcoma, starting in the spine. Super fucking rare apparently. Those studies are fucking crazy, I had no idea. Maybe from now on I'll stick to like six miles and just get muscular instead because that's insane. Seriously sorry you had to do prophylactic chemo, that shit can't be fun. I hated hated hated doxorubicin, wanna puke just thinking about it. I'm gonna look into HMB for sure, focus on bulking like you say.
>>77153054Damn, sorry to hear. Doxo is about the most boomer shit out there. I fortunately just had a pre-cancerous condition and managed to get rid of it with fairly non-toxic shit, but I ack-shilly added most prophylactic chemos after that. You can run picrel past your oncologist in terms of more advanced stuff, hopefully you stay recurrence-free!
Cancerfag here. Been cancer free for 4 years now and life/fitness is pretty much back to normal. Give yourself some grace and patience for the first year. Lean on your loved ones. You’ll be okay, OP. NGL, you had a much worse cancer than me (mine was stage 3 Hodgkin’s lymphoma, but I really do understand what you’re going through. You survived. Hardest part is over.
>>77152574Wait until you get your chemo port out, man. Spend that time enjoying life, eating good food, and have fun with friends. You can have get back to it after
>>77152574You look pretty young. You'll be fine. Don't touch anything anabolic for a while. Just eat and lift.
