heyy so uhm i read it. And oh my lordy lord, sorry.
So i have many thoughts, many many MANY. But ill try to just pass along the major ones. First the good part!
-Im really glad you decided to journal your dysphoria, since its a vary helpful and useful outlet.
Now for ig reflection questions and some reminders [IM NOT A THERAPIST or none such. Im just your neighborhood trans girly :>]
-1:[Negative] You are really transphobic. Its probably not your fault and more likely it was placed there by your parents or environment.
-- You have a SHIT ton of reflection to do. No offense, but you need it... desperately. Weather you think you do, or not. Just try ok.
--1:You're trans(not "tranny" don't do yourself that disgrace)
--2:Being trans is not a mental illness, but you can be trans aswell as mentally. Youre allowed to like men. Youre allowed to want the deed. You're not wrong for being HUMAN. You are a woman, your body was just never told to catch up.
--3: I noticed you try to separate yourself from trans people. Like desperately. Thats where the transphobia comes in. Weather you want to accept it or not, you're most likely transgender.Not autogynaphelic *Ill touch on this later* or a freak. But youre views directly conflict with this. Which amplifies EVERYTHING. you become your own worst enemy.
--On another note, I noticed you used "Us" when talking about the country hating lgbtq people. But again whether you notice or not. Your language and view directly reminds me of the "mongrel" christians who tell me to kms. So im not sure wether youre talking about "Us" as in "freaks".
--It is never too late to transition
--[Reflection question] Does a woman stop being a woman just cause she is tall or broad or mentally ill. Why or why not.
--[reflection] why do you feel you cant transition?
--[This post is hella long so im gonna cut it off here and figure out if anything else is worth posting]--

>>40890077
Based post.

T. Ex repper.

Internalized transphobia is a hell of a drug.

oops forgot to touch on that other part.
-- so the reason i think youre trans instead of autogynaphilic is because your thoughts and dreams hint at you being a woman, instead of just being arroused by it. if you were just aroused by it, we would see more like only being a woman in your fantasies instead of ALWAYS like we notice. your dream was probably more a reflection on how you feel? Since the dream was not inherently sexual and more just wanting to be feminine. So i interpret it as
- Wanting to be feminine, So waiting for your parents to go so you can do so safely
- The fear of your parents seeing trough your mask
- Your parents stripping your femininity from you
- Being forced back into the "Guy" as represented by your bed


Oh wait i just remembered you answered why you dont feel like you can transition. So i guess a better reflection is
-[reflection] is it better to live the rest of your years in agony out of the chance you will be more lonely. Or to find happiness and make new connections but risk loosing those you have right now?

your journal reminds me of me back before i started making any major work on transitioning. Fear i would get thrown out, of the hate. Oh the hate, i despised every fiber of my muscles, every second of my existance. Really surprising im alive to type this. And even now after i can tolerate myself half the time. it never stopped being hard, but im closer to finding the happiness little me would never get to find. Well i say that, but the reason im here is i just stopped. We went our separate ways, and he took our emotions with him. This thing, that lived my life for years. Was finally gone and that was it. Who cares if leave me,or if they want me to die, or the hate in their heart. I dont regret anything im at peace finally. Sorry if i broke any 4chan conventions. Im really new here T-T so i dont know them yet.

>>40890077
>Does a woman stop being a woman just cause she is tall or broad or mentally ill.
No but I was never a woman to begin with.
>why do you feel you cant transition?
The concept is inherently ridiculous. I said it many times in the journal. It just makes no sense. There's no good reason to want to be the opposite sex, yet here I am. Even if I could find a satisfying answer to that, passing is unlikely at this point, and I'd lose my lady friend who is the only comfort I have among all this. I'm hoping I can just cope with being a feminine man but it's not working nearly as well as it needs to.

>>40888815
I can't give you any insight, just know you are human and at least another random on the internet has been there, felt that and you are not alone

just be yourself. dont listen to other troons because they will just drag you down and focus on improovment

[Not sure how to reply to a specific post soo heres the one im talking to]
>>40890500 #
Obviously not telling you who you should be or whatever. But the fact that were in this presicament means that there is more than just "no good reason to want to be the opasate sex" maybe instead of wanting to be the opasate sex. You just want to be your own? So when youre not that. It sends up an error. Anyways, isolation sucks. Dysphorias a bitch. And well life made a little oopsie when randomizing us. But id suggest whatever happens to strive for better change, and happiness. If this is worth it to still be friends with them. Than its your descision idfc do what makes you happy. So my general advice is just. We obly get so many years. only meet so many people. Only get so many words. Only see so many things. Do what you need to make each of them count. Cause its never too late, Until it is. But youll never know when that is. So treat them your seconds like theyre precious. --- anyways im going to bed <3 cya hun

>>40891427
I'm scared of myself

>>40891571
Valid fear actually. As long as you have that fear doesn't it mean that you are capable of self-reflection and keeping yourself in check? So you aren't all bad, and you can keep developing in the direction of what you want to be.