i think i might be mkultra victim

>>40972106
Enbygens Discord???

>>40972106
>Do you fear the reaper?

Yeah I am afraid of a painful death

>What is something you wish to accomplish before passing away?

I do not make plans for the future because the environment and conditions in which I find myself are not suitable for achieving any goals

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>>40972106
>QOTT: Do you fear the reaper?
i do not fear, on the face of it, death or dying. but i do very much fear a painful death and a slow death. i fear the consequences of death. i have a terrible anxiety that heaven or hell or purgatory or whatever other thing one believes in, since we know that brain activity can continue for a little while after "death", is simply a manifestation of one's negatively sloping brain activity once they're technically dead. like, you dream of heaven and so you go there. but also, dreams occur in extremely short spans of time, right, like, wildly temporally disproportionate to the actual time they take to occur. so i am extremely afraid that if i die slowly, without my brain immediately being destroyed or something, i will experience some form of dream state for all of eternity, as i will never again wake up and end the dream, and the little graph line of my brain activity will stretch out ad infinitum (in my perception) along some untouchable asymptote. and then if i die painfully i go to hell. forever. it's horrifying. i hope i'm wrong.
>QOTT2: What is something you wish to accomplish before passing away?
i want to find true peace. like Nirvana or something. and i want to help others find peace and happiness, too, however i can. not that i know how, at all. obviously lol.

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>>40972106
>qott
A dynasty which will last for a million centuries

>>40972106
Q1--I don't really fear the reaper anymore. I used to, and id spend the nights trying to like, unlock the secret(stupid idea). But eventually i just decided to make peace with it. Since if death is just being locked to your final second forever but also never at all. Id just like to see the stars and moon, with a cup of whatever im obsessing over.

Q2--before i pass away, i want to help someone find peace in their heart for themselves. I want to make someone feel loved.

>>40972828
he got a booby

My kind of general.

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>>40972106
>Do you fear the reaper?
not quite, im surprised i made it this long. if anything, it confuses me how i havent met him yet with my luck.
>What is something you wish to accomplish before passing away?
i need to release an album that people can truly connect with. ive made multiple projects but none that ive seen others see themselves in -- i need to prove to myself that there are others with similar experience as me out there. ill reach that day eventually, but its the only thing i want to accomplish before i pass.

good afternoon enbygen i feel so stupid and annoying all the time and i don't know how to stop. even making anonymous internet posts i worry every time that my words just fill the reader with contempt. like any time i open my mouth literally or figuratively everyone around is struck by a concentrated wave of secondhand embarrassment and then it skips right over pity for my ineptitude and straight to scorn. and i don't know how to shut up. i am so bad at communicating and so afraid to talk to people because i know i'm stupid and annoying and bad at it but i just can't help but say stupid things anyways.
i try to say things to ameliorate the stupidity i project but then i just become even more stupid and contemptible.
i know this itself is all stupid and irrational and i'm just insecure and projecting but i don't know how to make myself feel better. i deleted my social media and i am legit considering tripping so that people who don't want to hear me can just filter.
how to not be or feel like a contemptible idiot

>>40974356
why do you think you come across as stupid or contemptible

before i die i want to feel like a real adult, i want to have a stable job, i want to live independantly, i want to not be so afraid of everything

>>40974410
it is hard for me to express all the nuance of it but i know that i say a lot of things that are naïve and out of touch and i speak slowly and sometimes obliquely or employ unusual phrasing which in conjunction with my being naïve and out of touch and a slow talker i think probably makes me seem somewhat desperate to appear smarter or more knowledgeable than i really am, when really it's just that i like words and language, but i feel as though i come across like one of those irritating nine-year-old poindexter-types in like children's media who are meant to make the Precocious Kids feel seen and i don't want to be that, especially given that i am a fully grown adult, but i also really AM naïve and i don't know anything about anything and i sleep with stuffed animals and live with my parents and can't even find a job so there is an element of conflicting realism that prevents me from just brushing aside the idea that i come across as a pedantic know-it-all-who-actually-knows-nothing child because some of that is literally true. i worry that when i say something really uninformed and dumb that it causes everyone to like cringe so hard on the inside as to pucker into nothing because they have this image in their heads of me as a pretentious baby doing everything to affect intelligence when really it's just me talking the way i like to talk. and i don't even think i talk in a pretentious way but whenever i read back something i wrote or think back on something i said, i am the one who puckers into nothing. on the outside.
another part of it is that when i am talking to people individually (eg right now) i either say way too much (eg right now) or have no idea what to say at all, both of which reflect the diametric extremes of that caricature. and you didn't use a question mark which makes me feel like you are contemptuous and angry with me. which i recognize is stupid. i also recognize that this is way too much to expect anyone to respond to.

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I'm making a magical staff

bupo

i baked a lemon cake for my fiancé. i have never baked a cake before i hope it doesn't taste like shit