I miss my parents, even though they abused me so severely my entire life up to the point where I /had/ to leave everything behind and go no contact that the police deemed me a high-risk victim and were convinced I was on the brink of death, but I didn't press charges because I held and still hold a lot of respect for them. I'm trans and if they knew it for sure, they'd kill me in broad daylight without second thought. They have been very transparent about what they would do if I left (murder-suicide), so I didn't until I was in my early 20s. But I still miss them so much. Sometimes I remember the few good things they did for me and all of a sudden it feels like my freedom is a farse, like I overreacted. When I hear that a friend have been getting non-stop calls and letters from them all I can think is how they'll try to hurt them and their family, and it would be all my fault. But I miss them. Why do I miss these people who were so explicit in their hatred for me and the people around me? Would it be so bad if I sent one letter back just so they know I'm safe even though they would go out of their way to change that?
>>41082694I understand, I'm in a similar position as you. It's only natural for someone to want to have parents, they're the first people we learn to love. You should write a letter but don't send it to them as it could potentially just cause problems for you. I know it's painful but it's better to keep going, you're so strong for living on without them and getting into contact could set you back.
>>41082738You're right, but I already have enough blank spots in my life as is and this is more of a crater. I don't like comparing, I try not to, but whenever someone gets mad at their parents/family for the smallest transgression I just want to die. I would do anything to worry about stupid shit. To have that empty space filled if even for a second. This is not stupid as much as I tried to convince myself otherwise; this is a heart rending reality that I have to face for as long as I live. My only wish was for them to see me grow and share my happiness but that just isn't possible anymore, I don't think it ever was. That's what kills me the most. I could have the greatest friends a person could ask for but I will always despair over how my parents didn't even want to feed me. My own blood.
>>41082694>>41082738Trauma does weird things to the brain. I also grew up in an abusive household and I never wanted anything more than seeing them dead and never having to live near them again.
I don't, I have forgiven them but I wouldn't return with them.
>>41083289I wish I could hate them like you do, at least consistently. Sometimes I have bursts of visceral anger and I have juvenile thoughts of them hurting for what they did to me, but it peters out pretty quickly and get sad as usual.>>41083323I don't know if I've forgiven them or not. I think I'm still in that same state of shock I was in when I first left.
>>41082694Some people want the best for you. Try not to spit in their face: treat yourself well.
>>41083413I try. I'm glad I'm on the right path (I'm awaiting specialist help right now), just wish it didn't have to come to this for it to open up to me.
Suck it up
>>41083741Helpful.
