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Apart from the GOTT, here are a few things you can do _today_ to make your life a little better. Keep a diary and write down every success. Some you may do as often as you please, but write down each one individually! You deserve it! Do not feel pressured to do all, but feel free to select one or two!

- prepare 1 load of laundry
- do 1 load of laundry
- read one page of a book or manga you have been putting off
- cook yourself a meal, or try learn to make a simple dish
- eat a meal
- pick up items on the floor for 5 minutes
- make your bed
- if you have a bad habit, try making it more inconvenient (putting things in hard to reach places for example)
- do the dishes for 3 minutes
- write down one thing you are grateful for (from abstract things to something like a cute image you saw)
- Clean up 1m^2 of your floor (~40x40 in)
- Open your window for 10-20 minutes
- try to exercise for 5 min (walk outdoors, walking stairs, whatever you wish)
- take out the trash
- drink a glass of water
- put one item of trash in the bin
- reach out to an online contact
(perhaps even try arrange spontaneously meeting up with an IRL contact near you!)
- BONUS: Repeat a goal to hit a milestone (1 book chapter rather than a page, the laundry pile, the floor of one room, etc)


Unofficial group chats maintained by kind anons of /sig/:
IRC: presently defunct afaik.
Discord: https://discord.gg/pUuXdBjKX2

>>41171158
>>41171191
i don't want to improve; i just want to cease to exist

i love you all anons and nonas! pls stay safe and have an amazing day! good luck /sig/ <3

I'll post and reply again as soon as I can, sorry for being slow and lazy.
Brb.
Goodluck out there.

>>41171158
I hope you all have a pleasant weekend ahead of you.

>>41153725
>I'm glad to be able to help, bunon
>Things are rough for you, that much is clear
Thank you very much, Siganon.
I appreciate the communications and advice very much so.

>Oh lord, so your family situation is imploding at the worst possible moment
The worst possible ways and at the absolute worst possible time.
Me and my siblings have no stable careers, finances or even accommodations at this point.
We can all just be dropped off at this point.
It's been a miserable experience if I'm being frank, and beyond stressful.

My whole life feels like a lie, a cheap joke.

>>41171385
you vvill improve
ceasure is illogical

>>41171158
Still trying to lose weight. But other than getting slightly more confidence from my body I wonder what is the point of anything if I don't really meet people.

Thinking of going the way of my people and 41ing
I pass somehow but I don't understand why, I've slowly begun to hate my face and I can't unsee the man in the mirror every time I look into it. I used to be good at makeup but now I just half ass it
I feel disgusting and rotten and affording ffs is a pipe dream and insurance doesn't cover it here and idk
unless I win in the lottery I don't know how much longer I can keep on living with myself
I know objectively my life isn't bad and if it weren't me I'm sure I'd have no issue living it but it *is* me and I'm starting to hate myself so much I cannot bear existing as myself if that makes sense
sorry for the vent

>>41171158
Having to make hard choices sucks. Talked it out with my mom, and like I need 6 months (maybe more) of not having to worry about the army, etc, in order to handle (((various points of dysphoria))). I sort of hope that's an understandable view because I'm pretty deep into the whole thing and don't want to let people down.
Also, my knee pain has honestly gotten pretty bad and like, I can run fairly quickly, but when I push distance, it's not good.
>>41166922
>I hope it will help you feel less stressed in the long run
It will, I think, but I basically have to uproot everything I've been doing to deal with it now because there's that pressure to transition faster.
>>41172335
I'm honestly just trying to get to a point where I'm comfortable meeting people while being trans.

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>>41172349
>sorry for the vent
Don’t sweat it. This thread is one of the better places to vent because we really try to help each other out here.

First of all, you said you were thinking about hurting yourself and why. I’m going to recommend some other ways you might be able to feel better.

So, you pass, but you can’t appreciate your looks because as a transwoman, looking good means being perceived as a cis female when you’re not. But you’ve turned that frustration inward. You hate yourself for not being cis. But that’s not something you did wrong. The system we live in is all about hiding the truth to keep things simple and convincing people that everything is black and white. People who don’t fit the mold aren’t to blame for living in a world that doesn’t want to give them a place.

I think it would help you to remember it’s fucked up that the easiest way to be treated as a woman is to hide the fact that you’re trans from most people.

I think that you’re obsessed with the “male features” you can still see because you’ve bought into the idea that hiding who you are is essential to your survival and you can still recognize yourself. I’m not saying FFS would do you no good, but this mindset is not something I think FFS would fix. You’re gonna know you’re you no matter how different you look, and needing to forget who you are to be happy just doesn’t sound healthy.

The transgirl anons on this board are obsessed with passing and think transwomen who pass have nothing to complain about, but the reality is that passing fucks with you because it means you aren’t being accepted for who you are, but rather who people *think* you are. It’s healthy to be upset about that.

You need to love yourself for who you are. People who think that you’re not a woman because you’re trans are ignoring the obvious. Don’t make that your problem.

>>41172701
I'm not even trans though. I just am cripplingly autistic and struggle finding places I feel wanted.

>>41172882
>struggle finding places I feel wanted
I hear that.

>>41171557
>Just to make sure, is it all spent or just not liquid right now?
All spent, on training and personal groceries/upkeep.
My father is sponsoring me for the moment but I hate relying on family for money, so I'm back to square one in life.

>Oh I am 100% supportive of you talking about it here
Thank you, I appreciate it a lot.

Forgive me if I'm repeating myself too much, but is it okay if I trauma dump a little bit or should I reserve that kind of stuff for myself to work through?

I feel bad for saying I have trauma at all but I've had at least one friend confirm that I do have a form of it, so maybe it's worth trying to pick apart.

>This is one hell of a drama
It feels that way, no matter how much I avoid conflict and friction I can't seem to get away from it.
Everything is an irrated mess now.

Thank you for putting up with me.

>>41173727
Sorry, I forgot the proper link:
>>41153725 #

>>41172837
Panty is a cute

>>41155158
>It must feel like you are constantly clawing at a vertical wall, afraid to fall back into the pit of loneliness once you stop struggling.
That's a quite visceral description, but you're right.
>It's a difficult set of questions, sometimes it can simply be a function of social circle. At school I was an outcast, among normal people. As a chem/physics student I was still an oddball but I was among peers. Many people I vibed with IRL turned out to be 4channers too.
That's the issue, /sig/ anon. I do want to be able to relate to most people. Not just the group that I feel the most kinship with.
>But I digress, perhaps. To give less of a non-answer.. even normieish people can be warmed up to your cynical side. Though I found people with an interest in philosophy and such to be more receptive. Open minds..
The person I have felt the most energized in interactions with is a guy who sits next to me. He's an older dude, clearly a big nerd, but I hardly if ever see him. Just seems to be on the same page as me. He told he's got some medical issues going on. Everytime we talk, it's pretty great, but we have no other classes in common and I just started my final year. It's crushing. To see everybody even in the nerdiest circles, and even among the weirdest weirdos. I say weirdo as a term of endearment. Why does finding a place have to be so hard for some of us? I don't wish this loneliness on anyone. Even the places where I feel the most comfortable around stable friendships feel like there's just a wall between me and them. I feel repulsive to others. Like they don't understand me, really I don't feel much different. I know we can't be so different than the so-called "normies" because I have held down friendships to some success with them. Some of them with their foot in that world find me at least fun enough to talk to. We're all humans, right? I just had to have been born with the right intersection of traits to make me the oddball. Gah.

gotta go to sleep, bump

>>41171158
I think starting progesterone has helped my emotions a lot. I don't think of suicide as much and I feel consistently happier instead of being empty or sad all the time

>>41171191
already do this everyday :) my bedroom is clean and all. just need a job to be perfect.

I'm 6 months free of a long-term relationship where neither of us were safe.
I think, I have some CPTSD symptoms: sometimes I get disoriented and think I'm back there. I avoid the idea of communicating with him, and stay clear of him. I... I can't go back in there again. I can't.

Recently I noted that I slipped again on my bedtime. That I'm in tgis evil cycle of staying up late, waking too late to go to the office, working from home -as in pretending to work - not doing anything, and ounishing myself by sitting in front of the computer until late. I don't move anything even though I need to and again I sleep almost nothing. Then on the next day the cycle begins again.

I feel I've lost control, how can I get it back again?

>>41171158
I'm going out of my way to try to make friends. It's hard because I'm autistic and awkward and nobody likes me, but I'm trying anyway and if I succeed I'll feel slightly less alone.

i hate you i hope you never come back

Actually posting here actually does help calm me down it helps that I can just vent here actually. I was going to talk about what I remembered but it is essentially the same thing that I thought it was safe and at points I would cross reference other people and then like yea its safe, and that was a bad idea because it’s like that was really really fucking dumb. Hopefully they check the report because no one else should be exposed to this shit in their lives. As for my porn addiction it was really really bad at times now that I’m trying to quit like I see the bad habits and how it really affected me. Although at times I choose to watch porn sometimes I feel like I have to finish it, but like why. Well that’s enough of that for right now I will be talking about some positive things that happened to me as of late later.

>>41177351
Proud of you, Anon.

goodnight /sig/

;_;

> pg7
Not on my watch

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I’m so fucking tired. I’ve been trapped in a cycle of binge eating for years.
>5’6
>grew up around 170 lb
>got down to 120 in high school
>slowly got up to 150 2 years ago but I’m back down to 125 now
>starve myself a lot but not nearly enough
>bike 20 miles a day which shed a lot of weight at first but it has slowed down now
>just want to be 115 or 110
>fasting/eating minimal isn’t so bad but after I eat one real meal over 300 calories I’m thinking of food constantly
>once I try to eat I don’t want to stop even though it’s uncomfortable and I’m disgusted with myself
>fluctuate 5-8lbs constantly
>just want freedom from this gnawing feeling in my gut and heart that screams for food
>it feels so compulsive, like a gut microbe colony in my stomach that just parasitises me

Please, if anyone has successfully gone on a long term cut or fasting session, give me hope. I have lots of experience fasting but as the temps get colder it becomes unbearable. I just want peace. I hate who I am when I binge. Should I put food in a tiny container with a timed lock? I can’t take this shit anymore. I’m so pathetic and disgusting.

>>41181930
Stop fucking eating

i don't do things because i want to do them, but more because they're the thing i'd dislike doing least in the moment. i'm never genuinely passionate about anything. i can convince myself i am, but it's ultimately performative and i get sick of it. i feel like everything about me is a performance, gender included. i don't know who i am, or what i like, or what my personality is, or what my morals are, or who i care about, or what i believe, or what i want to do with my life. i'm a shell of a person, and i do nothing but detract from the lives of those who interact with me. my only modes are being needlessly cruel and leeching sympathy from everyone around me. maybe i can find a doctor who'll zap my brain.

>>41182222
same

>>41181930
I also need help with this. im stuck at 62kgs

>>41181930
not keeping any food in your home helps immensely
when i want to comfort eat i try to assure myself that i can eat it after im done fasting, i can get food whenever
i look at my tummy and look at my disgusting body in the mirror and then tell myself i dont need to eat anymore
i promised that ill cut myself next time i ate
looking at thinspo pics helps too because i want to look like that
but like >>41182163
just dont eat

>>41180422
night

I fear I'm slipping back into anorexia
Not eating is the only thing that makes me feel good and like I accomplished something
It's the one thing I can control in my life rn
And knowing all that does not help fight it at all

another useless day in my useless life! Gotta bedrot 24/7 again :3

>>41181930
>>41182347
>>41182384

Maintaining an eating disorder is not a good way to lose weight or look after your physical health.

Obvious as it sounds for me to say, you should not hate yourself for feeling hungry, starve yourself on purpose, or cut yourself to resist the urge to eat.

Not eating enough has negative consequences in the short and long term. Short term, it can negatively affect your mood, your ability to think, and your metabolism. Long term, not eating enough can interfere with weight loss by triggering your body’s “starvation response,” where your body works harder to retain stored fat to keep you alive.

Not eating enough can also disrupt weight loss by making you want to binge eat, when you’re more likely to overeat and eat less nutritious food.

Another problem with eating disorders is that they distort your understanding of what is a healthy weight. An eating disorder can make you “feel fat” at a healthy weight, and want to reach a weight so low that it causes other health problems.

It’s also possible to over-exercise. For example, I’ve read that the health benefits of walking increase the closer you get to 10,000 steps a day, but walking is worse for your health the further you go past 10,000 steps a day. This can also contribute to metabolism changes that make it harder to lose weight.

Here’s a more general article about how to tell if you’re over-exercising:
https://www.byrdie.com/over-exercising-5097906

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>>41173732
>All things considered, even you keeping it together as much as you do and leaning on us is already an accomplishment in its own right..
I'm ashamed to say I've had a few cracks and breakdowns lately but I'm trying no to do anything too destructive.
I appreciate it all the same, I also appreciate being able to come here and really be honest about things, it's very freeing.

>Sadly there won't be much to do for your family members, I'm afraid,
I was worried you were going to say that.

>you are supporting as much as you can already but as much as it hurts we both know that you can't break yourself over it either
I feel awful, like this is partly my fault for just not doing enough for my life to not fall apart.
I know I'm not much of a person but I didn't think things would go this poorly.
I'm 25, I should be more than this but I'm just not yet.

>A wall to be leaned on must not crumble
I'm not sure if I fully understand you.

>>41183959
>A wall to be leaned on must not crumble
>I'm not sure if I fully understand you.

What siganon means is that you’ve got to take care of yourself for the sake of the people who depend on you.

>>41183784
ohh. i didnt know. well i guess starving myself might work for a short while atleast

>>41183959
Sorry, I forgot the proper AGAIN, somehow:
>>41153725 # #

Not siganon, but...

>>41183959
> liquidity issues
> supported by family
Do you have any marketable skills you can do on the short term? Do you have the self-discipline to swallow and keep going in a job? Have you ever held a job? Is the military an option for you? Would it be in dire straits (such as military or homelessness)?

> I'm ashamed to say I've had a few cracks and breakdowns lately but I'm trying no to do anything too destructive.
Healing is not linear, anon. I know it's very hard but please try to consider allowing yourself the grace if you crack or break down. From your writing I assume they are temporary, and you can manage it - I'm proud of you if that means anything.

> I also appreciate being able to come here and really be honest about things, it's very freeing.
There are very few places our kind can do so. I understand.

> A wall to be leaned on must not crumble
If you need to/want to/do support others, then please take extra care of yourself. Please consider taking a break. It's okay if sometimes you try to priorize yourself, and care for yourself. Do something for yourself. Or just relax.

>>41184037
>What siganon means is that you’ve got to take care of yourself for the sake of the people who depend on you
Oh, okay.
I understand better now, thank you very much.

>>41184096
If you’re in the habit of starving yourself or feeling like you want to because of your weight or appearance, that’s basically a separate problem that’s more urgent to solve and potentially dangerous than being overweight.

You should eat every few hours every day, you should eat when you’re hungry, and you shouldn’t feel like you’re doing something wrong by feeling hungry.

Eating disorders can seriously fuck with your mental and physical health. You can physically damage your body by starving yourself and you can severely disrupt your mental health for a long time by continuing to believe that you need to hate your body, hate being fat, and punish yourself to get to a healthy weight. It’s not true, and it’s likely to cause you far more harm than good.

>>41184154
Sorry for the lack of a proper reply or replies, I just need to catch up on some sleep and then I will respond again as soon as possible.

Thank you for taking the time to ask and provide guidance, it is appreciated.

bump

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> pg6

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> pg8

Back on shift again, no real updates but im lurking about. Just the general same old
>I have 2 conflicting desires and it sucks to pick one over another.
Dysphoria spiked or maybe my self consciousness after outing myself but that's died down. Not looking forward to trying to come off diy and onto legit hrt.
Thank you to the anons who read my rambling.
Also my parents keep expecting me to be like more emotional but idk I'm just kind of not? Wish i was sometimes but like i don't even do repression consciously atp
>>41181930
You're probs seeing less weight loss because you're running out of mass you could lose, like 125 is not a lot of mass really.
Like I'm not gonna diagnose or whatever but I'd suspect you may have some dysmorphia going on.

Bump pg8

Bump

bump ly all <3

gn /sig/ i will get laser next month!

>>41116463
>That sounds kind of exciting!
It kinda of is, it's a very pleasant little town.
It makes sense why there are so many families here.

>I wonder what it's like to be gay/queer in a place like that
I haven't found myself in a position to really express that aspect of my life, I'm very private about it due a lot of reasons.

There have been a few Pride related advertisements here, so it doesn't seem immediately hostile or anything.
I can't say for certain though.

>Would be interesting to check grindr lol
Haha yeah, I suppose it would.

>Is there any sort of train connection, or do you get there by car/bus, or by plane? I wonder what the infrastructure is like there
I flew to a nearby city and then was driven here.
I love in a relatively cheap place due to circumstances but I will feely admit that the infrastructure and public services here are top notch.
Finding work is hard for me but I'm sure more successful people could really make a fair life here.

>>41191359
gn, very happy for you, I imagine you'll be a lot more comfortable now

>>41187028
it do be like that

>>41184694
Well it feels like a mistake to eat and if you do a mistake you should be punished. thats why i wont eat.

>>41185780
>pg6 again
Dang

I did not go on my planned estrorun on Friday. That will be the first week in a pretty long time where I did not run 3 times per week. I can still go on a small run today to at least get 2x, but I feel sick. I should do it, though.
I've been just estrobedrotting and eating a lot.
I used up all of my pizza dough, which means I ate 4 pizzas this week.
I feel pretty helpless. Eating my own pizzas was the only real pleasure.
My phone fell down because I fell asleep with it in bed, the screen protector cracked, I hope at least nothing else.
I did not help my boyfriend with his math homework.
Today I feel a bit more sane again, something is genuinely wrong with me and I completely lose hope, self-worth and impulse-control for a few days until it gets better. Maybe it's the hormones.

>>41192388
>I flew to a nearby city and then was driven here.
I love in a relatively cheap place due to circumstances but I will feely admit that the infrastructure and public services here are top notch.
That sounds pretty comfy! What kinds of planes do they use, like smaller prop planes? I hope the job search is going well. I'm also looking for a job right now but it's not going to well, and even if I would get an offer, I'm not sure I would be able to deliver. What kinds of jobs are you looking for? For me it's cleaning, retail, gastronomy, that kind of stuff. Maybe I should also look for a warehouse job.

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>>41184154
>Do you have any marketable skills you can do on the short term?
I'm not sure what you mean.
I have white collar skills:
>IT, Admin, Software Development, Programming, Virtual Assistance and general office skills
Blue collar skills, tickets and license:
>Forklift, White card, Working at Heights, Working in confined spaces, RSA License and a Learner's Permit (2 year before an official licence)
I am willing to gain more skills and getting better at current skills but I REALLY need an actual job and career at this age, money is crucial for security.

Online or Remote work might be ideal for my situation but I'm not even sure where to start in such a saturated space.

>Do you have the self-discipline to swallow and keep going in a job?
Yes, I'm always looking for better opportunities but I can keep the lid on for the most part.

>Have you ever held a job? Is the military an option for you? Would it be in dire straits (such as military or homelessness)?
I've held a few short jobs and one job here in Australia for three months.
I can't join the Australian military due to not being a citizen and I'm hesitant to join the military back home, the government in general does not care for it's people at all, one of me at reasons for me being here.

I have a home back in the country for a little under a year for certain, beyond that my parent's divorce will decide what happens next.
I really want/need my own place, whether I'm ready to live alone or not.

>Healing is not linear, anon. I know it's very hard but please try to consider allowing yourself the grace if you crack or break down
I am trying to do that more. I don't feel happy with myself but I'm trying to become someone I can be happy for, somehow.

>From your writing I assume they are temporary, and you can manage it - I'm proud of you if that means anything
I am managing as well as I can.
Thank you for the kind words, Anon :)

>>41193147
I realize that what you just said is not something I can change your mind about easily. So I’m just going to ask that you read the rest of my post and just think about it. Roll it around in your head a little. And remember I’m telling you this because I think it will help you.

It is not a mistake to eat. It is an act of survival. You need to eat to survive.

I understand you feel fat. And if you’ve heard what I’ve heard about being fat, I get why that’s so upsetting to you. I constantly heard that fat people are dumb, lazy, greedy, and hurting themselves by being fat. But I would also hear that celebrities who gained any amount weight ever “got fat.” Add in environmental factors like how there’s more junk food available than health food, all the uncertainty as to what’s even healthy to eat, how much sitting we’re encouraged to do — at desks to work, in cars to get around, for screen-based recreation. Yet we’re constantly told that getting fat is a failure of willpower and self-discipline. No wonder so many people are overweight, and no wonder so many people agonize over their weight.

But you can also hurt yourself by just not eating at all. And that pain you feel from hunger is not your body misbehaving by demanding food. Your body is making you feel hungry because it’s trying to keep you alive.

Also, you shouldn’t punish yourself for making mistakes anyway. Failure can be a constructive part of a learning process. It’s like that Thomas Edison quote, “I discovered a hundred ways to not invent a lightbulb.”

Chuck Jones, the Looney Tunes animator, said “Every artist has thousands of bad drawings in them, and the only way to get them out is to draw them.”

If you feel like you can’t make a mistake, you’ll avoid opportunities to learn that carry some risk of failure.

I hope you find this helpful. And remember, I’m not trying to change your mind here, I’m just giving you something to think about.

>>41125939
>>41125958
I'm gonna get back to these great responses as soon as I can.

I realized this year that I'm demisexual. I want to be proud of it the same way I'm proud of being bi and autistic but I struggle with demi specifically for some reason. Sorry if this isn't the right thread to talk about this.

>>41195543
I think this is a fine place to talk about what you’ve just shared.

Maybe you’re having trouble being proud of being demisexual because it doesn’t have the same scale of history, visibility, and public understanding behind terms like autism or bisexuality?

But I think you should be proud to be demisexual. That’s a constructive way to love and accept yourself. Demisexual is a word that represents a meaningful difference that should be articulated and destigmatized. “Gay pride” started as a way to challenge stigma and bigotry. You’d be following in that tradition by being proud to be demisexual.

But most importantly, being proud to be demisexual can mean loving that about yourself regardless of what anyone else thinks about it.

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>>41171158
Good night for now, everyone, I wish the best for all of you.

A special thank you to Siganon for keeping up with these threads, I am grateful for the community being built here, I am happy I found this thread :)

>>41194636
>That sounds pretty comfy! What kinds of planes do they use, like smaller prop planes?
I flew here with a commercial flight, I'm not too sure what this small town has exactly though.
Maybe I can find out.

>I hope the job search is going well. I'm also looking for a job right now but it's not going to well, and even if I would get an offer, I'm not sure I would be able to l deliver
I know how you feel, I'm still going for any shot I can find due to how much I wanna save up money to help myself and my family.
I'm scared of the future but I won't give up.

>What kinds of jobs are you looking for? For me it's cleaning, retail, gastronomy, that kind of stuff. Maybe I should also look for a warehouse job
A forklift license and experience with admin would help with finding those kind of jobs, but you can still just go for it as well.
At this stage, I could use any jobs at this point. Anything in line with my skillset as I've mentioned.

>>41184154
>There are very few places our kind can do so. I understand
Being able to be open about things like this is a relief.
Feels like I can breath freely.

i feel like venting but I'm not sure how good that is for me and others

I hate how losing weight just feels like waiting most of the time.

gn see you guys later

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Welp, I have a cold. I spent most of the weekend sleeping.. Let's see how much I manage today.
>>41165175
>I just hope I don’t completely get engulfed by my ED again by being too strict/dumb.
I think it's a bit of a worrisome trajectory, yeah. Like, you worry about getting fat, but do you mean by that you worry about your BMI rising all the way above 25? Realistically our weights fluctuate, mine for example does +-1.5kg easily day to day, and on top of that I gained 2-3kg over the year which I lost again now over the course of two months. It might help you to express your "parameters" so to say. You gotta keep in mind that gaining some weight will be inevitable, and even for me who never had an ED it is dangerously easy to try and compromise my health for the rush of progress. That is why having acceptable ranges in both directions is important.
>It’s the first job interview in years I have gotten, am scared
I'm wishing you all the best for that btw, estro! I guess it's best to wait and see how that shakes out.
>It also feels lonely desiring men and so on while living in a small town and not having any social relationships with men here
One thing that is tied to that: You mentioned your boyfriend, I think you have before. Do you have an idea when it might be viable to live together, or try it?
>I put mushrooms, leek (had some leftover), capers and bell-pepper on it.
Oh, very autumn-y, I like it. Honestly my favorite culinary season in general. Made curry today with mushrooms, sweet potato, leek and chestnuts. It came out nice!
You used the yeast flakes in lieu of cheese right?
>I hope you can get an oven one day!
My living situation will change 2 or 3 more times in the next 2 years so it will be fine.
>I bought some Turkish black olives at LiDL today.
Goodie, tell me if you end up making it!
>>41166565
That's a good idea, A. I agree it's never too late to reconnect!

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>>41165449
Heya, Panty!
>This time I found myself thinking I just tried to do too much without a rest, so I wasn’t thinking clearly and got careless.
I'm happy to hear that you made progress coping with setbacks like that. It sounds like things are overall going well for you! As for the wisdom teeth, yeah it sounds like it's gonna be smooth sailing in that case. Iirc it takes a few days to heal so you might wanna stock up on things that will be easy to eat.
>>41166922
>I feel gross whenever I've visited him.
Can you describe the vibes he gives you? I'm glad you have your friends around at least, though.
>the real answer is probably engaging in unhealthy physical behaviour that gets my pulse up and hurts me.
Did you ever see the turning slow tigers into fast tigers post? Because to some extent it sounds like you are doing that.
>>41171385
Why is it you want to? Because you suffer, because you hate what it is you are/see in yourself?
>>41171393
It's always a lovely thing to see all this positivity ITT.. It's much appreciated.
>>41171418
Take all the time you need, Anon. I need to, myself.

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>>41171557
>>41173727
My weekend was.. restful. Sadly I didn't get to do much else.
>It's been a miserable experience if I'm being frank, and beyond stressful.
I can hardly begin to imagine.
>All spent, on training and personal groceries/upkeep.
Okay, then I got it right. It must be scary and exhausting, but you are not exactly back on square one just yet.. But anticipation grows, unfortunately.
>Forgive me if I'm repeating myself too much, but is it okay if I trauma dump a little
Go ahead. I am listening!
>It feels that way, no matter how much I avoid conflict and friction I can't seem to get away from it.
I can't promise that it will be better in the immediate future, but I can assure you that the drama you found yourself in, and the seeming constancy of fiction in your life won't be a forever state in your life. You can make it so, right now you are still building a foundation though, and circumstances are messy.
>>41172335
>But other than getting slightly more confidence from my body I wonder what is the point of anything if I don't really meet people.
As much as it sucks, we can't force ourselves to fix everything at once without going insane, how do you feel about meeting people in general, though? You said in another post you're cripplingly autistic,
>>41172349
Hm.. Tell me, do you have people you are out to, people you feel loved and accepted by?
The man in the mirror might disappear if people's perspectives really get through to you more. I don't know if it works for dysphoria the same way but I have experienced it work in other areas. Self image issues can be aided by reflecting upon external validation.
>>41172701
>I sort of hope that's an understandable view because I'm pretty deep into the whole thing and don't want to let people down.
It sounds very reasonable. You want to be relied on, and that means looking after yourself to sustain reliability. A wall to be leaned on must not crumble, after all. The knee pain needs looking into as well, right?

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>>41173959
>That's a quite visceral description, but you're right.
I hope it made you a little bit understood/seen.
>That's the issue, /sig/ anon. I do want to be able to relate to most people.
It's difficult, "everyone" is not something we as people are very good at forming relationship with, too abstract. But it sounds like you crave a sense of belonging then, of community, which is much more concrete.
>Everytime we talk, it's pretty great, but we have no other classes in common and I just started my final year. It's crushing.
I urge you to get his contact next time you talk. Just be open and forward, that you want to spend more time with him and that he is a pleasure to talk to, and that you would like to hang with him even when classes are long over.
>Even the places where I feel the most comfortable around stable friendships feel like there's just a wall between me and them.
This wall is a dreadfully common experience, and the thing that broke it for me is digging into people's heads, really. Do you find yourself conjecturing what people think of you without having the thoughts validated unambiguously?
>we can't be so different than the so-called "normies" because I have held down friendships to some success with them.
We aren't, not really. Experience, circumstance, interests. Normieness can also be very relative, to some people we are "too ordinary" to get their stuff, in a way.
>>41174697
Hormone balance seems to impact emotional regulation quite a bit, I'm happy for you it worked out that way!
>>41175639
Job hunting seems to be a mess everywhere at the moment, wishing you all the best, Anon!
>>41177743
What happened, Anon? Wanna talk about it?
>>41177351
I'm rooting for you, Anon. If you ever feel stumped by an exchange you had, don't hesitate to ask for advice!

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I don't know what I am and I never will. As long as I'm fat and unattractive, with an almost childish appearance, I can't call myself a man, but I also don't know if I'll ever see myself as a man — transition hasn't changed anything, not even with my parents' support. Even my mother, who was more opposed, now talks about saving money for a mastectomy (but she doesn't want me to have a phalloplasty or metoidioplasty). But I'm happier. I've lost 6.1 kg, going from 123 to 116.90 kg. My face and voice have changed. It's progress. Knowing that my parents would even call me by my preferred name if I wanted is comforting, but I feel like I'm not truly trans, even though I want to change my gender markers, name, appearance, and treatment method.

I'm just doing hormone therapy, wanting to be seen and treated as a man without actually being one, someone fake, at most a he/him lesbian or something like that. Not a lesboboy or anything like that, just a somewhat masculine woman with a beard, taking testosterone, and performing masculinity.

My former therapist told me to look for trans people, positive media, that kind of thing. I even bought Boys Run the Riot, but the fact that the protagonist likes men made me give up on the manga.

Literally, transitioning improved my sleep, made me less suicidal, made me happy, but I don't know if I'm trans, and I probably never will.

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>>41176783
>I'm 6 months free of a long-term relationship where neither of us were safe.
>I... I can't go back in there again. I can't.
Yes, the urge to fall back into old patterns will inevitably flare up at times. Healing is like that, in that regard. You are not broken for feeling this way. You are doing great fighting it. I can only assure you it will grow weaker.
>I feel I've lost control, how can I get it back again?
I have started setting alarms and trying to be strict with myself, one thing in particular that has helped me a lot is announcing when I want to go to bed to loved ones cause it makes me commit to it more easily. You should also force yourself to take more breaks from work, at regular intervals. That gives you time to reconsider "should I really keep working?".
>>41178295
I'm glad letting it out helps you, Anon!
>Well that’s enough of that for right now I will be talking about some positive things that happened to me as of late later.
I look forward to reading it.
>>41181930
>fasting/eating minimal isn’t so bad but after I eat one real meal over 300 calories I’m thinking of food constantly
The thing that keeps you in binge hell is that your means are unsustainable and your target potentially not necessarily reachable. Your target BMI is underweight, around 17.7, Anon. That's damn low. Even if you were to reach your target you would require an intake of more than thrice that a day, for example. And any sustainable diet hinges on getting you to that point where you eat as you would at your target weight, with minor corrections to achieve it. Your intake as such should be more like a deficit of 300, not an intake of 300.
I can give you hope that you will reach a stage where you will be comfortable with your weight, but it might require you to GAIN weight for an extended period and exploring your feelings, have things externally validated, etc. Changing your body image alongside your body.

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The spam filter really is stingy with links
>>41182163
>>41182347
>>41182384
I agree with >>41183784, and I understand that hearing these things is rough, and that it will seem that we are sabotaging goals you set for yourself but I want to assure you that I want nothing but you being comfortable in your own bodies. And with things like ED that sadly can sometimes mean taking your body in counterintuitive directions.
>>41183784
Hmm, you know, I think the resources could use a "could it be I have an ED?" section..
The link you provided might be a thing to add there, too.

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I gotta take a break for tonight.
>>41183302
This shit is immensely difficult at the best of times, Anon. I would like to hear more about your life circumstances to help you re-assert control in a sustainable way. I am glad you came here to talk about it with us, and I would like to support you in what little ways I can.
>>41183959
>I'm ashamed to say I've had a few cracks and breakdowns lately but I'm trying no to do anything too destructive.
That is good enough, more than good enough. And I am glad I can offer you a space like this!
>I'm 25, I should be more than this but I'm just not yet.
Let me be frank, I'm 32 and I would not be able to support several siblings in a situation like yours right now, you are not failing anything not being ready to suddenly provide financially and emotionally for like half a dozen people.
>I'm not sure if I fully understand you.
The other anon (>>41184037) nailed it, by the way!
>>41187805
>Also my parents keep expecting me to be like more emotional
If you would like to be, there are exercises to that end. Naming emotions and letting yourself experience them is a trainable skill, after all.
>>41191359
>gn /sig/ i will get laser next month!
That's awesome, Anon! Happy for you.

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>>41197854
I think we should definitely put something together about identifying eating disorders and why eating disorders are not a good way to lose weight or look after your health.
The pressure on women to be thin and stay thin is such that it’s hard to diet and exercise as women do and not develop an eating disorder, and that’s a major hazard for transwomen too.

Hell, there’s literally that episode of Panty & Stocking, “Diet Syndrome,” where Stocking over-exercises and starves herself.

I’ll look for some articles we can use.

>>41195660
I don't really think the visibility is my problem. Sure telling people I'm demi and hearing "isn't that just normal?" all the time can get tiring, but I never really had an issue with that part.
I think it just has more to do with me being a romantic. Finding out its harder for me to make meaningful connections because of how different my brain is fills me with a sense of despair and hopelessness, if that makes sense

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I think I've achieved what I was meant to achieve on this planet. Prolonging my life would be crass and unnecessary, like a TV show that's prolonged for commercial reasons. I need to stick around until some members of my family die. They're old. I couldn't leave them alone. But once they rest in peace, I will get to do so as well.

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>>41198382
Okay, I did some web searches and found a few links that seem like a good intro to what eating disorders are, how they’re not the same as just dieting and weight loss, why eating disorders are bad for you, and an eating disorder screening questionnaire to help people get an idea of whether they have an eating disorder.

>Eating Disorders: What You Need to Know
https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/eating-disorders

>Short article about how eating disorders are promoted on social media
https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/get-information-and-support/about-eating-disorders/dangers-of-pro-ana-and-pro-mia/

>Why are eating disorders dangerous?
https://keltyeatingdisorders.ca/generalinformation/why-are-eating-disorders-dangerous/

>Eating disorder assessment questions, with explanation of what your answers mean
https://www.specialistlink.ca/assets/Screening-and-assessment-tools-for-eating-disorders.pdf

If anyone wants to recommend different or additional resources, feel free. This is just me getting the ball rolling with some information that’s concise, not too intense, and comes from reputable looking sources like medical institutions and nonprofits that serve people affected by eating disorders.

I've been working on myself. I've been lonely, but SLEEP, DIET, EXERCISE have been helpful. If I can say "I love you cats" to my cats, I can say that to me too.

>>41198832
You also have time to find a reason to keep living for your own sake after the loved ones you’re staying alive for pass on.

To continue from your TV analogy, you’re not a series that can go on for too long, you’re a character. You won’t stay the same, your circumstances and your role will change. Star Wars isn’t just a TV show but it’s like how Obi-Wan went from Qui-Gon’s student to Anakin’s teacher, fought in the Clone Wars, went into hiding on a desert planet, then got dragged into helping destroy the Death Star by Anakin’s kids. That’s what a full life is like.

>>41155172
>Every aspect of life can be an opportunity to meet people.
What do you do when you've never had any exposure to the outside world? All I know is my own home, immediate family, and immediate surroundings.
>You need places to start and directions to build momentum
Definitely, I just don't know what those places are, and I don't have the experience necessary to feel comfortable seeking them out.
>does the homeschooling formally correspond to anything that would allow you to pursue additional education?
I don't currently have a GED (high school diploma equivalent in the U.S.), so I couldn't get into any type of college. Outside of that I'm not sure, my parents weren't particularly rigorous.

i need to stop drinking so much. life is unbearable right now and it's not getting better for a while

>>41198077
>If you would like to be, there are exercises to that end
I'll have a look, i do just think to an extent i broke my emotions at some point not sure i can patch them without extreme stimulus.
>>41197275
Yea. Need to think more on it it's just I get paralysis over the idea of quitting while actively hoping they tell me to go fix myself before carrying on.

going to sleep. goodnight /sig/

I'm going to need help from any American anons with some info because your systems are so damn weird to work with.
My partner ( WA born, lives in the south now) has no form of ID and therefore it is impossible for them to find any job to hire them. They also live in bumfuck nowhere so that makes things even worse. Their family also refuses to help them with any of this and I would like to do something before the depression gets the better of them.
Now, how does one get a new/replacement ID in the US? Can they do it online or have one delivered home?
All they have is their birth certificate and a copy or the original HS diploma. Can you use this to get an ID? I've already tried to talk to them about this a few times but lately they just keep getting sad or annoyined saying it doesn't matter and they will never find a way to fix it and just give up but I won't. Sadly, I don't know how the US ID bullshit works because you're the only place on earth without a centralized ID card and it's so painful to find good info on this + partner just wants to give up.

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>>41202917
You can get an ID card at a Department of Motor Vehicles office. Because of car dependency culture, the average American’s state driver’s license functions as a de facto ID and the office that issues drivers’ licenses, the Department of Motor Vehicles, is also in charge of issuing IDs that are not also driver’s licenses to the minority of Americans that do not drive.

Some legwork you can do for them is find the closest DMV office, give them the address and number, and encourage them to book an appointment.

>>41203642
Also, usually each county of a US state has its own DMV offices, and your partner should go to the DMV of the county they live in to get their ID.

Oh, and does your partner have a Social Security number or card? That’s another important common form of ID used in US employment. Native-born US citizens are issued a Social Security Number and a Social Security Card when they are born, which connects them to a sort of federal pension system. The federal government keeps track of everyone’s SSN, so you don’t have to re-apply if you lose your Social Security Card, but you do have to apply to have a new one made if you lose your card and employers usually expect you to share your own Social Security Card for their records.

Generally employers ask for at least 2 forms of ID, with ID cards and Social Security Cards being standard options. I think a birth certificate is the third most common form of ID accepted. Your partner’s problem is probably that they only have 1 form of commonly accepted ID if they just have a birth certificate.

>>41203642
>>41203797
They do have their SSN and that should suffice. Now comes the hard partner which is going to a DMV, if getting one online is not an option, and that will require some money (for the trip there and back plus maybe a motel, food and others if things get complicated). But thank you for the info. Jesus Christ this is way more complicated than here and all you need to do here is find your nearest police department and they can give you a tempo until you get issued a new ID.

>>41202917
>lives in south now
the specific state here can be important, southern states are often really asinine about proving residency before issuing an ID due to the mexican border.
the ID also serves as proof of residency so you need to provide a document proving you live at your specific address. commonly this is a water bill in your legal name. weirdly enough when i lived in TX an electric bill was ineligible but a water bill was, weird stuff.
also its very unlikely they would be able to freely select the gender marker on the ID (if thats something they're interested in) FYI

Will reply to previous replies later tonight, gotta get some stuff done before.

See you guys a little later.

bump, pg8 again

If anybody here is religious or spiritual, please pray for my mental health, I feel super duper wonky.

>>41197275
>My weekend was.. restful. Sadly I didn't get to do much else
I'm sorry about that, I am glad you managed to get some rest though.
You deserve it for all you've done.

>I can hardly begin to imagine
There's just so so much I have buzzing around in my head that I want to talk about but I need to get my sleep too so I need to pace myself.

>Okay, then I got it right. It must be scary and exhausting, but you are not exactly back on square one just yet..
Not yet but God I need to play it safe and find a good plan.
I wanna live.

>But anticipation grows, unfortunately
It really does, feels like my head is in a vice grip that keeps getting tighter.

Okay, so:
My first vial of E(En) has arrived, previously I have been using pills, so I need to learn the logistics and operations of using injectables.
I'm wasting day after day after day and have no chance of getting better. I try to take the first step of creating a humanlike pattern of eating, exercise in my day, and a humanlike bedtime as my first steps.
And in other news... After everything, I have been trying to reclaim my body. To see it... feel it as mine. It has been hard on me, very much so, but...
I feel that's as a good step as any.

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How can I stop dwelling on the choice I've already made to detransition and live as my birth sex? I just noticed I was feeling depressed for a few days, and thinking of why, its because I kept thinking about being jealous of women in general and just bad because I wish I was one, but then once I noticed that I was feeling this way, I went through the whole train of thought as to why I decided not to transition in the first place, and it made me feel a little better. How do I stop thinking about it and dwelling on something that I should have moved past?

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>>41197275
>Go ahead. I am listening!
Thank you, I will follow up on that after some more sleep.
I need a lot of rest to break down the rest of what I am going through.

>I can't promise that it will be better in the immediate future, but I can assure you that the drama you found yourself in, and the seeming constancy of fiction in your life won't be a forever state in your life
I truly hope so, I will take your word for it.
I don't wanna live in this state of misery anymore, I want to have peace for myself and people I care about.
I'm so tired.

>You can make it so, right now you are still building a foundation though, and circumstances are messy
I am trying to believe so, I want to be better, I need to be better.

I'm seriously tired now, gotta get some sleep, I'll be back as soon as possible.

>>41201362
replace it with chocolate milk and rain asmr

>>41201362
Wanting a better, fairer world doesn’t have to mean you shouldn’t try do anything that makes you happy until the system is in better shape. The beauty of being alive isn’t contingent on who is in charge of the government or what the stock market is doing.

If anything, it’s more important to find space for happiness in challenging times. You’ve got to focus on the good things you’re trying to protect and bring more of into the world. What you are for is not only better than what you are against, it’s more powerful as well.

These challenging times we are living in are not to be tolerated begrudgingly. We must be the change we want to see in the world. It will make us stronger for our own sake and the sake of others we want to help.

I think that’s a good reason to quit drinking. Don’t get by numb. Feel your feelings and find good feelings to feel.

>>41203967
Texas is where they live. And I'm not sure if they have their name on any of the property's legalities like tenants, ownership, bills, etc.
Even if they manage to get all their ID stuff together going to work or finding work would be hard. Apparently American companies don't provide temp residence or pay for half of the stuff/transport like we do which fucking sucks. Even migrant workers don't have that luxury there from what I've heard.

>US laws in flux
>health insurance tied to that
>hard to gauge where lgbt public perception will be soon
>hospital is catholic
>In my 30s
Is it even worth trying to get on hrt at this point. I don't need to pass I just want this body gone. I wish I knew this shit earlier.

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>>41209688
I started HRT in 2017. There’s always going to be reasons to put it off, but there’s no substitute for what it does for you.

I’ve paid out of pocket for HRT as a broke-ass tranny, too. It’s cheaper than you think. And yeah, they’re always talking about making HRT harder to get, but getting it while you can isn’t a waste of time. Why wait around for certainty in an uncertain world?

>>41209688
yeah it's worth it. if you can't get it officially you can still get it. diy is $100/year at most

I am completely miserable and need alcohol, i hate night shifts so much.
At least i hit a new lowpoint for weight.

>>41211389
Can you help me go stealth and be normal pls? Im moving from west virginia but id like to see you before i go

getting blood tests tomorrow, hope my levels are fine ^___^

bump, im full of anxiety

>>41171385
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCBPlpPnVpk

Bump

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the new meds are.... very strong. I'm sleeping. a lot. they make me kind of drunk but they also make things hurt less. I guess thats nice.
I'm trying my best.
I'm talking to friends and my employer has talked about hiring me for another project. he really liked what i made.

>>41197259
>Can you describe the vibes he gives you?
He feels like ethics and empathy doesnt come naturally to him. more specifically I'm scared he is going to latch on to some of the same things a psychiatrist did in the past. Pointing out my iQ like I'm a fascinating animal, honing in on my sexlife... He has to ask, to fill out the required questionaries, but his delivery feels unnatural. Like he is hiding something from me.
>Did you ever see the turning slow tigers into fast tigers post? Because to some extent it sounds like you are doing that.
I don't know... I guess to some extent I am, but ideally it shouldn't be to a point where Im hurting myself in the process of doing it. some days I work out/do other high pulse activities until I spasm out of pain or end up fainting... or until i bleed or bruise. some of the nails on my feet are purple and about to fall off just from me running.
But if I dont run or do other things I want to do worse things to myself. even when im happy and succeeding i feel the drive to just.. go.

>>41171158
I've fallen back into old habits of calling out of work to abuse ADHD meds in my room while hyperfocusing on romance manga just because of how fucking depressed I am. I'm 8 years hrt and stuck in the suburban US South and my health insurance doesn't even cover trans healthcare and my job only gives me part time hours. I'm also depressed as fuck about still having a dick and have bad paranoia and social anxiety when I'm in public. I can't keep going down this path or I'll end up homeless and in even worse shape.

>>41198077
>That is good enough, more than good enough
>And I am glad I can offer you a space like this!
Thank you, truly, I appreciate being to talk like a person here.
I'm trying to seek out ways to help myself irl but I have neither the money or the network to do so right now.

I really just wanna make money to survive and save up, then I can stay away from people as much as possible.
Things are all too much for me now, I'm not sure I could even handle a life of excess anymore.

>Let me be frank, I'm 32 and I would not be able to support several siblings in a situation like yours right now,
It's technically two siblings, a mother and around five pets that need help.
In addition to the fact I am unemployed.
Money is everything now, it probably always was.

>you are not failing anything not being ready to suddenly provide financially and emotionally for like half a dozen people
It truly feels that way, this way of living cannot last.
We can't live like this for another five years, we're going to fall into poverty at this rate of I don't think of something.

>The other anon (>>41184037 #) nailed it, by the way!
Ah okay, I see.
It's nice to have complete clarity on that.

Sorry for the poor quality reply, I'm trying not to spiral right now.
Goodnight for now.

>>41213629
I hope so too, take care and be well.

>>41171158
I'm grateful for my big dick mommy gf that takes care of me and supports me financially as her pet NEET, cooks me dinner, and calls me her little retard. I really don't feel like I deserve her.

Goals for today are finish my assignments, pick up the trash off the floor in my gamer cave and take the piss bottles out to the dumpster

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>>41217750
Hey there. I’ve lived a lot of your struggle. I’m also stuck in a suburb in the southern US. I’ve had disappointing, frustrating jobs in the past. And I remember agonizing over things that made me dysphoric. We’ve even been on HRT for about the same amount of time.

So let me recommend some things that helped me.

First and foremost, if you’re working part time, you might qualify for a state healthcare program. I would investigate that if you don’t already know what’s out there or whether you qualify. And I recommend that specifically because you should look into getting a prescription for an antidepressant.

An antidepressant can help you feel able and willing to lock in and start doing the work of taking better care of yourself and improving your situation.

As for your dysphoria: I felt way worse about what I couldn’t control when I wasn’t doing anything about what I could control. Yes, bottom surgery is not something you can do right away, but doing the work that’s fast, easy, free or cheap made the stuff that’s further off on the horizon easier to handle.

I’m talking about painting your nails, voice training, getting your hair or eyebrows done, using moisturizer or sunscreen. Anything like that you’ve been meaning to do, getting it done can be a big mood booster.

And look for a different job. If you’re just trying to not think about your life at all, something needs to change. And my experience has been that giving yourself a feeling of control can do wonders.

>>41218348
Anon, you should not have piss bottles, just go to the bathroom and be hygienic.

I'm super happy for you but nobody should have piss bottles.
You and are your mommy deserve better than that sort of debasement.

>>41171158
although my autism was diagnosed it was something that my parents always took lightly or even didn't believe in it I came to believe that I was just weird and that I was abusing that I just had to make more of an effort to be like everyone else but it was killing me and it wasn't working and I know 3 years later that I finally understood that the only thing they had to do was listen to me listen to my autism and not force me if it was too much for me people might think that we are weird but we autistic people know that we are not take care of you all and above all love each other <3

>>41218548
tbf we share a bathroom and sometimes I can't hold it that long bc she takes her sweet time in there. That being said I shouldn't have more than one at a time but I let them pile up

It kinda sucks that I’ll never be actually female or trans and have to just pretend instead but my brain is so fucked it’s the only thing that makes me feel ok with myself
Rip

>>41218559
I want to congratulate you on this anon.
I was diagnosed with autism myself, and I know that too many autistic people who know that they are autistic have still been taught they’d be just be “making excuses” and “not trying hard enough” by acknowledging their distinct needs, limitations, capabilities and inherent differences as an autistic person.

It’s like, no matter what you’re capable of, people expect more from you than they should because they can’t truly comprehend what makes you different from them, and how autism really can make it harder to do the mundane as well as make it easier to do the extraordinary.

>>41212921
> stealth
That's a hard thing to explain here in a language that doesn't retraumatize, so allow me to be blunt.
To go stealth, you need to pass (duh), preferably without makeup, wigs and clothing, LGR (gender marker F on ID), and if at all possible SRS or a Goddess-tier tuck. (SRS would allow you not to think about swimsuits and use a public shower/dressing room).

When that's done, list all people who ever knew you as a boy/man or knew you were trans.
They are dead to you.
You are dead to them.
No exceptions.
That's the price you pay.

You move far away from where you lived, ideally another country (EU)/State (US). New job, new bank, new everything. You start fresh with a wad of cash and clothing in your hand.

You never, ever speak about your past.
Ever.

For HRT, you do something like EUn allowing you to disappear only once every month (+- 1 week, skipping a dose possible) for a negligible amount of time to a location which is very, very safe and known only to you. Or you take pills. Or you say you had oophorectomy + hysterectomy due to malignant PCOS (explains T-scarred features AND your need for E).

Don't let even your doctor or therapist know.
You butn all bridges, your phone, email address, social accounts, everything.

>>41219560
I feel like this is larp and ypu have actually not done any of this.

I started hrt when i was 18 and got ffs a little later. I feel like i still probably need a ba and domething for hips + shoulders. I worry that im just genetically not passable enough even with that stuff.. idk

>>41182222
Anon are you me? My only motivator is trying to avoid pain/negative stimulus I don’t actually actively desire anything. There’s no carrot only ever stick. And I have a net negative effect on all my friends and family and I feel so bad about it and they’re waiting for me to get better but once it hits them that I never will and they have been e during my presence for no reason they are going to leave me and it’s for the best so that they can go be happier but it is still going to suck so so bad and I live in fear of that day.

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Managed to go on a 12 km estrojog on Sunday despite feeling fucked up from overeating.
Today I went on another estrojog, the first planned run of the week. I ran 15 km but at like 6:10 min/km, I just couldn't get myself to run faster. It was pelting down during parts of my run, I enjoyed that.
I have been feeling really miserable the last few days. On Monday I injected E and today I already felt better, not sure if I should spread out my injections over the week, maybe my estrolevels get too low by the end of the week. But soon I will get another blood test.

>>41195785
>I'm scared of the future but I won't give up.
I'm glad you're not giving up and trying to face the fear!

>>41196558
> Realistically our weights fluctuate, mine for example does +-1.5kg easily day to day,
Good point. It's even more extreme for me since I'm binging and purging rn, messes up my electrolytes and dehydrates me. I calculate a smoothed average of my weight and plot it.
>I'm wishing you all the best
Thanks! The last few days I was sure I will just not show up, but right now I think I can do it. I hope it will at least go okay.
>Do you have an idea when it might be viable to live together, or try it?
It's unrealistic because both of us don't really are where we "should be" according to our age, and our executive functioning is generally not that great desu. But I was staying with him almost all summer this year, that am I thankful for.
>You used the yeast flakes in lieu of cheese right?
Just as a topping, I did not make anything melty or cheese-like with it. I just like the taste :>
>Made curry today with mushrooms, sweet potato, leek and chestnuts
That sounds really good, I like curry, and like chestnuts, too! Did you follow a specific recipe?
>My living situation will change 2 or 3 more times in the next 2 years so it will be fine.
Sounds exciting! But also stressful. Hope it will all go well.
>Goodie, tell me if you end up making it!
I used all the dough for pizza rip.

Guys, I have a problem. I realize now that I'm attracted to weird creepy people because I'm a narcissist and I'm a weird creepy person.

What do?

>>41220480
just go date weirdos i guess. we need love too.

>>41220480
Not seeing how this is a problem. Go find a similarly creepy narcissistic weirdo and make each other happy anon.

>>41219928
She knows what she's talking about (if I'm not mistaking her for someone else). Also a lot of it is relatively common sense stuff, and I agree with her because I had to mentally wargame the same scenario.

I'm on terf island btw so I think you've mixed me up for someone or replied to me by mistake (there are two of us using Navy as a trip on the board but I only use it here)
You're sort of thinking of stealth is probably like "no one I know knows" but for me and >>41219560 we're looking at "oh shit i have to literally hide this from government bodies" which I'm no longer trying to do as I just bit the bullet and outed myself (but was - since I was trying to stealth transition while I'm joining the Army including background checks, it's why I'm on EUn).
>>41220403
I need to up my running, can't wait till I'm done with this job and have time to crack on with that.

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I am once again asking for your bumps aid

>>41223395
sorry anon I was in the middle of writing a vent post but I couldn't find the right words
i'll save it for the next time we're on a later page

i will be calling you all /sig/mas from now on!
ly all btw stay safe and take care ⊂((・▽・))⊃

>>41221516
Thank you navy yeah had you confused. I think i still am not passing enough which is more what id like to work on than starting a new life

>>41221516
> She knows what she's talking about (if I'm not mistaking her for someone else).
(eep) Yep, 17C-anon here.

> Also a lot of it is relatively common sense stuff, and I agree with her because I had to mentally wargame the same scenario.
Take it with a pinch of salt then. I live in Hungary, Navy's on terf island. We have to hide ourselves from literal background checks. And we both made the mistake of outing ourselves to the people making said background checks. For me, it cost my military (pog) career, Navy's career is undecided yet afaik.

But unfortunately I'm a person who needed to drop off the face of the Earth for reasons other than transition. And although some of what I wrote *is* a larp (ie. I do keep contact with some people who know, but live like 2 hours drive from me, and I did choose the harder path of keeping some accounts which needed months of legal work to correct - I should have cashed out and opened a new acct which is by far easier), we know what it's like to be a trans woman in slightly hostile places.

Of course the biggest larp of it all is me believing I would ever pass.

Jeez I feel awful.

Does anyone here have the experience of transitioning to injectables (EEn/EUn) after pills and/or being hondosed (<= 50 pgml E2)? Since chatgpt had me worried that it'd be like restarting my transition and - and this is what interests me the most - mess up my metabolism again making it very, very hard to lose weight. Which I'm trying to do with less (because I'm a lazy fuck) rather than more success.
(Inb4 food - I don't want to count calories, since that would be a surefire way of giving myself an eating disorder, but when I make guesstimates, I'm on ~ 1500 kcal/day with a maintenance of ~ 2200 kcal/day).

>>41220480
Damn, that's crazy. I can't judge since I'm attracted to red flags usually. The more jealous, nagging and abusive the better as long as I am noticed and feel at least slightly loved.

BUMP

I hate myself
not explicitly due my sexuality or gender stuff though

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>>41230199
Finale.
You wonder to yourself as all of us bounce around a new multiverse while seeing live action SBURB out of the corndeer of our thoughts "Is he Yu Law?" This and other answers on Believe It Or Not Fact /// Fiction!
type THIS phrase in place of classic passcodes!

injected estrogen into my body

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Still sick, but slowly catching up with the thread.

>>41194636
Sorry to hear you've been through a rough couple days, estro.
>I did not help my boyfriend with his math homework.
What kinda math course is he taking by the way?
>>41195543
>>41198410
>Finding out its harder for me to make meaningful connections because of how different my brain is fills me with a sense of despair and hopelessness, if that makes sense
It does, it must feel like a limitation more than anything. At the same time, it also simply means that what you need out of relationships is different, isn't it? Maybe a good starting point would be to really think through in what ways it can affect the relationships you form, and more concretely put into words what you feel you are missing out on. Dread feeds off of diffuse thoughts and fears in my experience.
>>41195785
I am happy to have been able to keep it going for so long, bunon! I hope I have a few more years of it in me at the very least!
>>41195793
Well, depends on how you frame things, too. It is all too easy to end up self flagellating, for example. What kind of vent do you have in mind?

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>>41195861
I know what you mean, Anon. It is very passive, it must be to be sustainable, since by the end of it you kinda wanna keep that target weight for life, and you want to be able to maintain it with little effort.
>>41197545
Heya, I believe we've had the pleasure before but it feels like ages ago. Welcome back, if that's the case!
>I feel like I'm not truly trans
A very common sentiment I find, tons of tranners seem to feel that way, not necessarily because there is a real reason, but because it can years to simply.. accept it. It's not something most seek out though, so this is not meant to be prescriptive. More of an observation.
If you would like to lose weight/gain muscle to make you feel more "real", in a sense, we can help you with that, too. I think your therapist has generally made a decent point making you seek external affirmation on top, though. I wish you nothing but the best in your ongoing transition though, no matter what!
>>41198832
Out of curiosity, what were your goals?
>>41198382
>>41199881
Thank you very much, Panty! Gonna put a reminder for myself here to fiddle with the resources and look into your links.

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>>41200000
I'm proud of you, Anon! Things are tough, and if you feel stuck in any particular area, don't hesitate to lean on us.
>>41201056
>What do you do when you've never had any exposure to the outside world?
>Definitely, I just don't know what those places are
Discomfort, in this case, is a compass in the direction of progress, meaning we gotta get you into situations as unfamiliar as you can bear. A sensible approach would likely be that you research potential opportunities (I could try and spitball things to look for), and then giving the things you found a sanity check so you have some external validation of what is and is not a good idea to try.
>I don't currently have a GED (high school diploma equivalent in the U.S.), so I couldn't get into any type of college.
Hm, what would you formally need to get into college? In international terms, I would expect a HS diploma to mean you are at an secondary or upper secondary level of education. So it would pay to look into what the "next higher level" is you would be elligible for, even if it were to mean retaking a level you already cleared if accreditation is not possible for whatever reason. Of course, this is only in the name of getting to know people.
>>41201362
>life is unbearable right now and it's not getting better for a while
We should probably first talk about what aspects of life are unbearable for you right now, because ultimately, you are asking for better ways to cope, aren't you?
>>41202288
>not sure i can patch them without extreme stimulus.
I have faith in that regard, although this won't be something for which some canned approach is going to work I'm afraid.
>I get paralysis over the idea of quitting
I suppose for now everything is in a limbo of hypotheticals anyway, right?
>>41206912
Wanna talk about it, Anon? What has been messing with you recently?

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>>41207560
>You deserve it for all you've done.
You're too sweet, thank you..
>There's just so so much I have buzzing around
Yeah, for now all we can do is try and take it slow, I'm not going anywhere at least!
>>41207618
It sounds like you are doing great, Anon! It can be extremely hard picking oneself up like that, and I want you to know that this thread is dedicated to people like you. I'm rooting for you. We can make it, hell, we're in the process of.
>>41207734
>I went through the whole train of thought as to why I decided not to transition in the first place, and it made me feel a little better.
Hm, would you be comfortable sharing that part, for context?
>>41207802
>I'm seriously tired now, gotta get some sleep, I'll be back as soon as possible.
I'm very proud of you for taking as much rest as you need. I don't always respond to everything but I hope you know I read every word, and wish you nothing but the very best.
>>41216768
>I'm talking to friends and my employer has talked about hiring me for another project. he really liked what i made.
I'm happy to hear that, Shinjinon!
>He feels like ethics and empathy doesnt come naturally to him.
Oh I see, making you feel like an exhibit. It's definitely worth keeping an eye on but I hope he just won't creep too much. But now I get what you mean.
>I don't know... I guess to some extent I am, but ideally it shouldn't be to a point where Im hurting myself in the process of doing it.
Yes, the question is whether we can find more sustainable outlets that aren't bordering on self harm, essentially. That's a big ask of course, perhaps it would be worth exploring, although I wouldn't know where to best start since I dunno what you tried so far. Do you also feel a self punishment angle to it?

>>41230515
Congrats! #metoo.
Neeever taking pills again, they had me on a hon dose. Looking forward for real E levels.

>>41230550
Take care of yourself first, siganon! You deserve it and it's okay if you respond sliwer or not at all if you don't feel like it.

My therapist didn't show up to our session and I haven't heard back after I sent an email :(

>>41231539
she hopital

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MbSUZ1qZ4YU

page 10

i drew a lot today :)

>pg7

>>41235181
That sounds nice, did you have fun?

176lb now. 20lb left. Maybe then I'll feel slightly better about myself.

I have to lockdown if I want a job and to be a better at what I do. Can anyone recommend some data structure and algorithm courses to me? I've already taken one, I just want a refresher for my skills. I'm studying for interviews.

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I'm at a weird point in my life I graduate in a few months with a useless humanities degree, I spent the last 10 years in a dither and have only been on HRT for about 3 years, still boymoding half the time, I pass female consistently when I girlmode. I had my orchirectomy too. I'm unsure how to proceed in the fall, It took me 10 years to get this degree with me having a gap year, taking me 4 years at community college and me only recently being in my own apartment. Should I suck it up and apply to other jobs in girlmode? I wanna do plain white collar office shit. I'm a security guard and I know I will be painting a target on my back if I come out as trans to the company, along with the fact our client is a trucking company. Or would it be better to wait more, apply in boymode with my deadname to get around transphobic employers then do a trojan horse, come out and use HR?

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>>41223405
You got this senpai!

>Studying
I went back to school, which I guess it's a good thing but it doesn't always feel like it, because I have to study useless things and I'd have to study what I actually am interested in on my own time and I'm always too tired or burned out from school and other things to do that.
>Reading
I have so many books that I'm not reading even if I want to and I seriously hate myself for it. I just can't stand the silence most of the time I need the illusion of company, books could give that too but I'm not a good enough reader for that to be the case.
>Socialising
I have some interactions with people in school, nothing meaningful really but it does help a lot. I also started playing, although infrequently, games on vc with some old internet friends.
I still think I'm too shallow and underdeveloped as a person to deserve or expect any real connection.
>Working out, regular sleep schedule, diet
Sleep schedule's fine, diet could be better, I eat like shit sometimes because I'm stressed.
I haven't been working out in a long time since I had to stop because of health issues, I will be able to start doing it again in a few weeks if nothing else happens, I hope I can stick to it.
>Playing the guitar
Completely lost interest.
I don't want to be delusional and say the small progress I made is still progress and it's enough, but I also don't want to be so negative to say nothing I did or do matters, so I don't really know what to say or think. I pretty much need to get past what I can get past and get used to what I can get used to, and chase my goals and ideal habits accordingly.

gn, i hate delivery sites

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>>41230550
>It does, it must feel like a limitation more than anything.
that's exactly it. I started putting myself out there more during college and it was then that it hit me that i was very uncomfortable with the idea of hook ups, dating people that were practically strangers, etc. The only two crushes I've had were people I was extremely close with for at least two years or so, and while falling in love with them and feeling sexually attracted to someone felt magical, it just feels so unfair to me. I didn't ask for my brain to be this way, when I feel the loneliest I can't help but hate myself for it. On the plus side I used to think I was unattractive when it came to dating, but then I just realized the problem was me
>what you feel you are missing out on
I guess my youth?
I'm 22, last year of uni and I'm just kinda scared of being lonely. Haven't had an irl relationship so FOMO does hit sometimes but it's moreso just me being a romantic and wishing I had my own special love story

i'm really struggling to find any sort of reason to like myself. i'm looking for an explanation as to why i'm so deeply self hating when my first year of hrt i was so happy and excited, taking care of myself and improving. but in this second year i am depressed and feel like a freak. i feel ugly, like a fraud. paranoid and like eceryone can see my self doubt. i don't want to think about if i'm acting right. i don't understand what's happening to me.

gn i wish i passed

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>>41218559
>>41219052
How do you not hate yourself for being autistic, even when shit gets hard and you know your autism makes it so much harder? I've always hated myself and my diagnosis was like confirmation that I'll always be genetically inferior. I've been trying to find something about autism that outweighs its negatives and justifies its existence. I've also been trying to understand why all these autists I see online value themselves instead of seeing themselves as lesser and why they're so resistant to the idea of being cured even though it wouldn't make them disabled anymore. I haven't had any luck with either. Being autistic has only ever made my life worse, I've never gotten anything out of it.

>>41247161
This.
But especially
>I've also been trying to understand why all these autists I see online value themselves instead of seeing themselves as lesser
I wonder if it getting fetishized on women made it so or if autistic men think they have more of a chance. Either way there isn't any positive I got out of it not adhd. I stopped medicating and stipped attempting to use the support stuff for it because the systems make it very impractical to use.

Jesus, I've been procrastinating the whole week...

wouldn't dying under general anesthesia during minor surgery be ideal? you go in expecting nothing bad, and you just don't wake up again. no pain and no fear. just sleep
I don't understand why doctors don't do this more often. single guy comes in with something minor, but him under and cut an artery. it wouldn't even violate the hippocratic oath

>>41248055
Hippocratic oath is do no harm.
Euthanasia/Execution by lethal injection is done by an overdose of anaesthetic, and the target is expected to be under while they die.

>>41248110
If I go in for minor surgery and the surgeon puts me out of my misery, where's the harm

>>41247161
>How do you not hate yourself for being autistic
I understand the temptation of self-loathing as an autistic person, and I have done my own share of hating myself for being autistic.

What helped me feel better was giving up on trying to do the same things a “normal” person would in the same way. Being autistic is not a state of inherent dysfunction or self-sabotage. It’s possible for autistic people to accomplish lots of things they want or need to do by approaching them in a way that suits their abilities and needs, and a whole cottage industry of advice for different ways of doing things that autistic people tend to find more helpful.

I keep two pairs of earplugs in my purse, a regular type and a hollow kind that’s meant to block out just some of what you can hear. It’s better to wear earplugs in a crowded restaurant than never go to one, or go to one with no earplugs and crash out because you can’t stand the noise unlike the “normal” people in there.

Autistic people love to learn for its own sake, and knowing that, I let myself research things that interest me and treasure the satisfaction it brings.

Yes, I’m inclined to be more meticulous and rigid, but sometimes it’s okay to be meticulous and rigid. You can accomplish more if you give up on trying to get things done the “normal” way.

And remember that people who aren’t autistic don’t see themselves as a monolithic, homogenous mass of normalcy. There are so many different ways to be “not normal” people tend to take the ways they are normal for granted and focus on whatever makes them “not normal,” whether that’s being adopted, needing glasses, not speaking English as a first language — anything they’ve been convinced is “normal” that doesn’t apply to them. “Normal” is a toxic concept that creates a spectrum of unnecessary misery.

>>41247676
Still procrastinating...I'm sorry about it all...

> pg6

meow page 8 can't let this die out /sig/mas!

>pg8
Charging 300... CLEAR!

>>41220403
>I'm glad you're not giving up and trying to face the fear!
It's very hard but I have to learn this skill now rather than too late.
I don't wanna live like this anymore, I want and need to do better.

>>41230550
>I am happy to have been able to keep it going for so long, bunon!
It's taken a great amount of effort I imagine, all of us here appreciate it very much.

>I hope I have a few more years of it in me at the very least!
I'm sure you will, it's a pleasure to know someone so dedicated to being a positive/stabilising influence.
Thank you.

>>41243369
Gn, I wish I had super powers.

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I been trying to join the union here but it may not workout.*sigh I tired of being told to get things to work somewhere and in the end they don't bother to give me time or info that they have someone else. sick of this shit, it seems to me that every job is just about being lucky that the timing is lining up with you applying. That wouldn't be too bad but all the fake job posts It just a waste of time most of the time. At least this will prove to my folks how fucked up the job market now, it just sad that they had to learn the hard way by helping me with paying for training, but they didn't want to believe me in the first place before applying about my concerns about the whole thing. I wish they just listen to me

God why did I look at old places where I used to be known
Everyone has grown
I’m still right we’re I started
Everyone is alive and well
I’m still the same
Everyone moved on
I still wait for an invite that won’t come

>>41171158
im losing weight prettty quick but im really scared im just never going to have the body i used to, it's going to be loose and stretchmarked and thinking about it has me cutting again

why am I so autistic
why can't I get anyone to like being around me
I legitimately feel like I don't know what's happening to me

>>41255426
i know the feeling

>>41255426
>>41255566
yeah me too. everyone else has it so easy

>>41255566
>>41255590
at least my significant others are also similarly autistic so I can at least get laid. but I still want to hang out with allistic people too

>>41255597
fuck you

> Pg8
Girls, you all on disc or where y'all gone?

>>41197748
For the good news some bad habits of mine have stopped although that doesn’t include porn because it is porn something hard to beat when I kind of have been using it as a crutch for so long. I’ve been playing a new mobile game called Wizardry Variants Daphne and it’s been desu. I remember a part that’s been haunting me recently tho I think I read the ages of the people in a telegram and I think I might have watched it was the server of that guy I’ve reported, but I remember watching the videos but I think I saw one and then quit and I remember I think almost all of them had a bad quality to it. The worst part of it all is a part of me wants to go back and see if it is true but it is best for it to better left alone. I really hate how my head is at times. The addiction wanting more and more and me just not being able to stop I remember having just links and links of pornhub videos and back when I had a pornhub account and xvideos account it was like a lot videos of men saved. The thing is I am not really sure if what I saw was cuz it had a lot of people I believe, but like fuck it was a just trap and the worst part is that people knew and stayed there. I know that I shouldn’t but although I blocked the account I still check if the account has been deleted. However, at the end of the day as much as I try to examine and remember things the thing I need to do is just to learn how to live with it and move on. There really is no turning back atp. I still wish this never happened in the first place. Sorry just been dealing with this and not being able to let go of it and move on.

I'm slowly but surely getting my head back to where it needs to be.

My sleep schedule is getting a bit better and I'm keeping my living space more neat too.

I'll have time for proper replies tonight, maybe an update too but we'll see.

>laser clinic broke their machine so I can't do my appointment for probably another week
>Worst dysphoric episode in months, first time I've fully cried over it all
>Family don't seem to grasp how difficult this all is
>Still being sexually harassed at work
>Crippling shame and fear of causing disappointment is stopping me from telling the army I need time to transition and can't keep my application going
>Need to find a new job and move out because if I live here any longer I'll go full hikiko

I'm fine I'm fine I'm fine.

>>41257533
:(
i have my first appointment in the clinic today in like an hour. i hope it will works well to end with my mustache shadow

Bump

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how do i anti-give up? i haven't really cared about anything in my life since my depression started at 8

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I recently encountered the Cult of Done Manifesto. Lots of good advice to deal with perfectionism, procrastination and fear of failure. Read it and use whatever of it feels helpful.

>The Cult of Done Manifesto
>There are three states of being: Not knowing, action and completion
>Accept that everything is a draft. It helps to get it done
>There is no editing stage
>Pretending that you know what you’re doing is almost the same as knowing what you are doing, so just accept that you know what you’re doing even if you don’t and do it
>The point of being done is not to finish but to get other things done
>Once you’re done you can throw it away
>If you wait more than a week to get an idea done, abandon it
>Laugh at perfection. It’s boring and keeps you from being done
>People without dirty hands are wrong, doing something makes you right
>Failure counts as done. So do mistakes.
>Destruction is a variant of done
>If you have an idea and post it on the internet, that counts as a ghost of done
>Done is the engine of more

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OP here, not dead. I am mostly healthy again, so expect a LOT of posts tomorrow.
Pardon the unusually long time it took me to respond to a lot of you, I see posts from Tue unanswered. I know it's no biggie to you but it matters to me. I will try not to stress too much.

>>41260139
What would you find more helpful to start: A conceptual argument for “un-giving up,” or advice on how to put that goal into practice?

I can give you either one, or both, but I figured it would be better to ask what’s harder for you, taking action or justifying that action.

>>41230586
>Hm, what would you formally need to get into college?
Well, I would be going to a "community college" (basically a lower cost, lower tier college), which I believe only requires a HS diploma or equivalent. To acquire a diploma equivalent I'd have to pass a test. My concern is that I wouldn't possess the ability to handle the pressure of higher education, given my lifelong issues with anxiety. Another concern is transportation, as I cannot drive.
>A sensible approach would likely be that you research potential opportunities
I did look for job openings nearby, but couldn't find anything within reasonable walking distance. Beyond that I have little idea - do I simply wander around or what? This probably sounds stupid, but I really don't know what to research.

>>41253072
did it again fmstl

>>41256630
I did forget to mention I have gotten rid of anything that was saved that was porn related it’s not much, but it’s gone the only thing I have is the usb of some men and the internet just going have to know how to handle the addiction with porn.

asking for help from any reformed ultra neet tranners here
have any of you try to pick up school again? i dropped out of highschool and im trying to get a ged but im really struggling with calculus (in all of maths in general tbdesuh) so i need advice in what to do because it just makes me feel like im even a worse useless piece of shit than i first imagined and it eventually spirals me down into being bedridden, which ultimately leads to a vicious cycle between feeling bad for being a complete retard and crying over iwnbaw bullcrap
tenkiu

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>>41253072
Obviously it’s going to vary based on how much weight you’re losing and how fast, but I’ve been taking collagen powder supplements to help my skin tighten as I lose weight. That’s a proactive step you can take.

Also, don’t let your fear that you won’t be satisfied when you’re at the end of your weight loss journey keep you from taking the best possible care of yourself today. I suspect that cutting yourself is a way of grounding yourself, giving you that pain to feel in the here and now. And a way of expressing frustration with your body image, and looking for some way to feel control. But remember there are ways to get those feelings that don’t involve self harm.

Bump

Bump

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Okay, let's see how far I'll come today. My hope is to catch up entirely.
>>41218348
Hey, sorry for the late reply but I wanted to check in on you to see if everything went well! Out of curiosity, how are you doing, overall? Could it be you have a poor self image, or perhaps struggle with mustering up energy for things? What would you like to change? I hope your gf supports you emotionally too!
>>41218559
I'm glad to hear, Anon! A lot of issues with parents seem to boil down to them stubbornly clinging to preconceived notions, it's a shame.
>>41218746
You put it so matter-of-factly, A. What makes you say you're not really trans?
>>41220403
>Managed to go on a 12 km estrojog on Sunday despite feeling fucked up from overeating.
Glad to hear! I'm not super well versed with hormone level stuff but I hope the blood test will be enlightening.
>Good point. It's even more extreme for me since I'm binging and purging
Speaking of, I might need to look into it myself but I am afraid we got to break the cycle by attacking both ends. Binge purge stuff messes with the brain through reinforcement, so we got to find a way for you to sit out the purge phase when a binge phase happens, and pick apart the binge phase in turn. If you want we could discuss strats.
>But I was staying with him almost all summer this year, that am I thankful for.
That is a great start, what steps do you think would need taking so moving together becomes more realistic? Can it be arranged that you two see each other more often?
>That sounds really good, I like curry, and like chestnuts, too!
>Did you follow a specific recipe?
Not this time around, I used a simple yellow curry paste, and essentially simmered the ingredients in that and coconut milk, adding the dried mushrooms a bit later and the chestnuts at the very end.
>Sounds exciting! But also stressful. Hope it will all go well.
Thank you, it's a mess but afterwards I will make it.
>I used all the dough for pizza rip.
Hey, that's perfect too.

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>>41220480
Dropping the narcissist label for a moment, tell me, what harm do you feel would come out of seeking people like that out? What makes you weird/creepy?
>>41223661
That's adorable, Anon! Thank you for your well wishes.
>>41227034
Wanna talk, Anon?
>>41227232
First and foremost, kill any chatgpt advice with fire, when it's about medical stuff. They are basically trained from whatever had some traffic on reddit and other social media sites.
>I'm on ~ 1500 kcal/day with a maintenance of ~ 2200 kcal/day
very good, Anon! What is your target BMI? I think you are handling the diet part well going for a sustainably approach like that.
>mess up my metabolism again making it very, very hard to lose weight.
Well, to the best of my limited understanding (might also be a good question to ask >>>/lgbt/hrtgen) it will make your body go through a puberty like phase with all the caveats that entails. Of course, you also want to gain some mass, temporarily at least, since your body will need to create new fat cells to give you tits. The redistribution is as a much slower time scale than the breast growth.

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Shuffling posts around a little so that I am not having 5 short replies in one post. Might take a break after the next one to prepare dinner/lunch.
>>41233186
Oh neat, I didn't expect Warhammer 40k music!
>>41230199
We can still talk about it, if you wanna. What makes you feel this way?
>>41230941
Thank you, Anon. I will pace myself best I can.. even if it is hard sometimes. Still, exhausting myself a little is also not the worst for me as it prevents me from rotting. A healthy balance is in order I suppose.
>>41239184
I sadly can't make a viable rec since I'm not from the field, but do you know any people who might already have the kinda job you wish to apply for? One thing that generally is immensely useful is to have some insiders who can look over your CV with their own experience.
>>41240377
>Should I suck it up and apply to other jobs in girlmode?
In short, I would suggest so. They have no right to ask whether you are trans, and if your papers are all sorted out then whatever was before is none of their business. Frankly I would not rely on HR to protect you. HR exists to protect the company from government crackdown and lawsuits. I'm a bit weary about the work environment you describe though, sounds like there is a high chance of you ending up in a macho dominated climate?

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>>41235181
That's lovely, what did you draw?
>>41231539
Oh goodness, she might have gotten sick or something. Did you hear back from her, since?
>>41238257
Awesome, Layrinn!
>>41242880
Heya anon, could it be you are referencing an earlier post? I feel like we talked before.
>I went back to school, which I guess it's a good thing but it doesn't always feel like it
>I'd have to study what I actually am interested in on my own time
Hm, normally the things you are interested in should become something you get to study in the long run, as education starts off broad and specializes more and more with each level of qualification. What are you interested in?
>I have so many books that I'm not reading even if I want to
So you need background noise, in a way. What about a public library? You can even take your own books to read there if they don't have it, unless I am gravely mistaken.
>I have some interactions with people in school, nothing meaningful really but it does help a lot. I also started playing, although infrequently, games on vc with some old internet friends.
Excellent, would you be comfortable trying to deepen those relationships? Yes, it is something you must approach ESPECIALLY because you feel undeserving of it. I know it means you will have to contradict yourself on some level, but I assure you it is for the best.
>Sleep schedule's fine, diet could be better, I eat like shit sometimes because I'm stressed.
What are your main stressors?
>I will be able to start doing it again in a few weeks if nothing else happens
Perfect, keep us informed!
>I don't want to be delusional and say the small progress I made is still progress and it's enough
The best compromise would be to say that even if it isn't enough (yet) it was necessary, and that celebrating small steps forward and avoiding regression is gonna help you immensely with productivity. A lot of the time we are our own animal trainers. It takes time and patience to make the things that need doing ... doable.

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Any breakup advice where you feel that everything is your fault and simultaneously that you tried your best.

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I hit 3 weeks of sobriety yesterday and now im just having nightmares and flashbacks way more, Ill go another 2 weeks dry but honestly I dont see an alternative. I've been isolating a lot more lately and like... I still have 2 things to try to focus on (writing something for an online contest and trying to work my way to running my first ever 10k, currently at 7.2km max), but I don't know what the point of trying to get myself to be okay around human beings is.

Last week I tried to talk to an ai/rp with it and ironically enough it was the most human I've felt in awhile. I didn't have to worry about it killing itself, overdosing and having to perform cpr on it, grooming me, pepper spraying me, screaming at me, cheating on me, or anything else.
I know its definitely unhealthy to just isolate and talk to robots to express myself and live behind a screen but whats the alternative? Yeah ai is just a bunch of code and its programmed to tell me what I want to hear, but is the irl option any different? Even if I did find a irl lgbt friend and was insecure about being ugly and they said ''nah youre super cute'', i already know thats objectively false and im just a disgusting unc status masc guy with a damaged dad bod who missed my mark on ever being able to express how i want to look due to circumstances beyond my control.

Ive noticed im starting to become the classic stereotype of ''traumatized shutin'' though, and i find myself hating people who have a better life than me. I just get by knowing that the majority of people who lived through my shoes would have killed themselves by now, and by that logic I'm better than everyone, but being better doesn't equal being good enough, which I have never been for a single person in my life

So I just dont really get the point of anything. Everything is so boring and painful without alcohol and people are disgusting and predatory and I'm too traumatized to look past that stuff without substances

>>41267880
Some pieces of advice that come to mind are: Give yourself time to feel bad about it, don’t punish yourself by neglecting or hurting yourself, and make this a learning experience by focusing on what you want to do differently in your relationships with other people moving forward.

Oh, and be ready to change your mind about everything being your fault somewhere down the line. It’s tempting to focus on our own actions because we have more control over them, but that also means that in the short term we can feel more responsibility than we ultimately should for a breakup. Part of making your next relationship better could easily be communicating with your partner more and setting healthy expectations for their part in the work.

>>41268172
Something that I notice is that you’re thinking that if you don’t emotionally feel ready for something yet, you’ll never be ready for it. That’s not true. Healing isn’t a binary, it’s a process. Give yourself the time to feel ready for what you aren’t ready for yet. It’s not now or never.

>>41268172
Do you have a therapist by the way? I would look for one if you don’t. It sounds like you have a lot of trauma to process, and just putting yourself out there isn’t going to cut it. You need to make peace with your past so that you aren’t dreading more of the same when you meet new people.

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>>41268349
That's fair but part of why I have a seemingly permanent doomer forecast is because I value almost my entire worth on ''have to be a cute femboy if I want to express myself or be who i feel on the inside''. If im post twink death already, I dont exactly think my glow up period is gonna be in another 20 years when my hair is completely gone. Besides if I'm not perfect people are just going to hurt me more right? But I suppose you're right in the sense that maybe by some miracle my mindset changes by then.

>>41268469
I do but honestly a lot of why I go now is just so i can say I'm in therapy or if I'm in an extremely bad spot at least I have an outlet to vent/not do something permanent to myself. When I was getting groomed I let my therapist at the time know and he actively encouraged it, then afterwards tried to convince me I wasn't actually gay, would throw things at me if he got upset, would physically block me from leaving appointments, etc. I was also hospitalized 15 separate times for scratching my arm or just uttering the words ''i want to die'', and was actively misdiagnosed and just told I was depressed and had no trauma for over a decade and just wasted years chasing mental red herrings, as well as the fact that before my dad killed himself he went there too and they did nothing to help him, and when my mother was abusing drugs they didn't do anything either, and even when I told staff I didn't feel safe returning home to my abusive alcoholic uncle, they did nothing to help me. Plus the whole ''overmedicated and gained hundreds of pounds and ruined my body and numbed out my brain just so i would shut up and not be a problem for doctors''.

I don't exactly have faith in the system and ''going back to therapy and trying to undo a decade of trauma from therapy and medical experts'' is, respectfully, ironic at best and a waste of my time at worst, I dunno

>>41264230
i have a lot of weight to lose, and i want to lose it quickly so i realize im sort of maximizing for loose skin, but idk i cant take being this fat anymore.

im taking collagen supplements and doing all the stuff they say to do to minimize it otherwise though. i just know that im probably going to need surgery afterwards anyway and im praying that ill have an at least okay looking tummy after that and that it wont still look fucked up. if not i probably just kill myself. ive almost come to terms with my faded stretch marks always being there, but i just want to have a tight tummy again

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>>41244248
Look at it this way; it is as good an incentive to date with the intention of forming sustainable, meaningful romantic relationships as any. Every romance I ever had started as a friendship.
>I'm 22, last year of uni and I'm just kinda scared of being lonely.
That said, the biggest mistake you can make is squander the limited time you have. Maybe you will get together with people you studied with? 22 is quite young to finish uni, assuming you mean a Ba degree. You should make certain that you have ways to contact friends you made at uni outside of uni. Hang with people. Get to know them better! Are you emotionally close with any of your peers? Any potential candidate for a deeper friendship? We have established that is the foundation for romance and sex for you, and that is something you can build. The best thing to fight FOMO you can do is do something that is in your power to address it, and trying to keep permanent contacts to peers is a surefire way to ensure you don't actually miss out on something for real.
>>41244341
>i'm really struggling to find any sort of reason to like myself.
>in this second year i am depressed and feel like a freak.
>i don't understand what's happening to me.
The worst part is that it can be caused by things entirely unrelated to your transition. Let's start simple: could it be a change in your environment, have you been exposed to a lot of people saying self loathy things in the meantime. It can also be much less related things like staying in your home a lot, changes to your lifestyle and circumstances.. you get the idea.
>>41247676
>>41248674
So do you mean to do, Anon? How about you put down a list of things?
>>41248132
Well, tell me about your life circumstances. What makes you miserable, Anon?

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>>41252133
Hey Z! I assume the union thing is independent of the job hunt? What kinda union is it? I forgot what kinds of field you work in.
>That wouldn't be too bad but all the fake job posts
Frankly this shit should be more regulated because it is ultimately fraud. I'm sorry it's such a mess.
>>41253048
Heya A,
>I still wait for an invite that won’t come
What do you mean by that, out of curiosity?
>>41253072
>>41269335
I'm sorry to hear, Anon. Tell me, what is your target BMI? At what BMI did you start? Just so I have a general idea. Do you have friends and loved ones that support you through it?
>>41255426
How do people usually respond to you? A lot of the time one can talk things out a lot more than it feels like. We often have a habit of jumping to conclusions when relationships fail, and have a habit of making it about things sometimes completely independent of "what went wrong".

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>>41255601
That reaction piqued my interest.
>>41256588
Sometimes this general has quiet spells, yeah.. of course, were it too fast I would never manage to keep up, but at the same time,
>>41256630
>sorry just been dealing with this and not being able to let go of it and move on.
It's okay, I know you spiral a lot about these things. How are your life circumstances besides, I remember us discussing other things you were meaning to look into.
>>41257533
I'm sorry to hear it sent you spiraling, Navy. I am sure it must be tough with your parents, since they probably struggle to understand all this. Do you have people to talk to that do, though?
>>41260139
I second the other Anon's line of questioning, though I can assure you that a lot of it comes down to, essentially, forming habits and trying to iron out your brain chemistry as much as one can. It is tough. Have you ever had any kind of medication work well for you?

>>41269624
>That reaction piqued my interest.
why?

>>41269335
Hey anon, im going through the same shit right now. Im scared shitless and feel like no man will ever love me because of how my body will look after. It must be done though, so I will prevail and choose to believe there's light at the end of the tunnel

>>41268617
I realize this might be hard to read, but you shouldn’t limit your ambitions for life to looking a certain way. It’s making everything harder, and making it seem like life isn’t worth living if you can’t achieve this look you want.

The twink aesthetic is part of a system of toxic beauty standards that are designed to make people easier to mistreat. Young is the look because younger people are easier to manipulate. They have less experience thinking for themselves and more experience doing what they’re told. Natural beauty is a way to make sure you spend more time and energy on your appearance and have less time to think about what you want or what you need. Your fantasy is a prison you were trained to want to stay in.

There are so many good, interesting, satisfying, useful things you can do with your life that don’t depend on looking like the ultimate arm candy.

You’re right to be skeptical of the mental health field. I’m not surprised you had these experiences. But therapy doesn’t have to be a passive process. It can be a way for you to turn what you want to do into a plan of action, not just a place to vent. And you can look for a therapist that’s actively helping you, not just letting you vent.

I hope any of this helps.

>>41269821
Also, people who keep looking like twinks past their twenties generally aren’t doing it naturally. Aside from chance, they’re generally doing some combination of expensive, time-consuming, unnatural, deceptive or dangerous things to look that way.

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>>41218171
>41250609
>>41256697
>Money is everything now, it probably always was.
It is usually what I mean by "existential matters", yeah. A lot of the time throwing money at the problem can save one from a lot of stress. The issue is of course procuring it.. It sucks since it is not something I could give advice for.
>It's taken a great amount of effort I imagine, all of us here appreciate it very much.
And I hope you all know I do it because I appreciate you all in turn.
>I'm slowly but surely getting my head back to where it needs to be.
>My sleep schedule is getting a bit better and I'm keeping my living space more neat too.
I'm glad you're recuperating by the way!
>>41258528
Wishing you all the best, Anon.
>>41260430
Hm, that's interesting actually. Seems like something that might fit the resources, even. Perfectionism in particular is the bane of the creative process. So def something worth keeping in mind for the art minded anons.
>>41269644
I was wondering what made you (assuming it was you) say it. I thought maybe there was some dissatisfaction or hurt behind the upset reaction that is worth exploring. After all, I always keep an eye on people here and try to make them open up about things based on hunches.

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>>41262523
>To acquire a diploma equivalent I'd have to pass a test.
Out of curiosity, are there perhaps any prep/night schools where you could take refresher classes? Even if you don't end up going to college it would be an excuse to meet people and actually test the mettle of your home schooling. There you would come in contact with other people who have had non-linear career paths, too.
>My concern is that I wouldn't possess the ability to handle the pressure of higher education, given my lifelong issues with anxiety.
That checks out, the suggestion above would be a bit lower stakes, for starters. What do you think?
>Another concern is transportation, as I cannot drive.
Right, the US is stupidly car centric. During my time at the west coast buses were an option, but I am all too aware that that is considered a luxury thing in the US.
>Beyond that I have little idea - do I simply wander around or what?
It depends on what you are looking for and what your town has to offer, but checking out local stores and such can definitely be a boon, absolutely. Gas stations, small stores, things like that if you wanna try something customer servicey.
>This probably sounds stupid, but I really don't know what to research.
It's not stupid at all, finding job offerings is different from country to country, and I am not super familiar with all the modern techie approaches like LinkedIn and such. Volunteer work can also be a foot in the door to meet more people.

It would be great if people from the states could chime in here!
>>41267880
One of the best things you can do especially early on is spend as much time as possible with other people to remind yourself you are in fact liked and people enjoy being around you. Spending too much time on your own will only give you time to overthink without being able to turn to someone to have your brainworms pulled. Drinking and numbing would only delay the grieving process and freeze you in this misery.

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Alright I have a few more posts to go but I will call it quits for tonight I think. I think I made good progress.

>>41269848
>I was wondering what made you (assuming it was you) say it.
they said
>why can't I get anyone to like being around me
to garner sympathy or commiseration and then hit us with
>my significant others (MULTIPLE)
>I can at least get laid
i hope they lose everyone in their life, all their significant others, friends, and their sex partners. that way they can actually know what it feels like to not be able to get anyone to like them.

>>41267133
>I feel like we talked before
We did, and I feel bad about coming back here when my progress has been so lackluster despite all the advice and attention you and other anons have shown me multiple times.
>What are you interested in?
math and cs, the math we do in school is taught so poorly I feel like I'll need to forget everything I do here by the time I'm done with this school
>What about a public library?
I'm way too anxious to read or study in public places
>would you be comfortable trying to deepen those relationships?
I don't know, feels like we're coworkers more than anything else and we're just here to survive and move on with our lives, I feel like it's a mistake to look for anything else past that, at least in this specific environment
>What are your main stressors?
Thinking about the future, thinking about next week, tomorrow.
>avoiding regression is gonna help you immensely with productivity
I figured out this is the biggest thing long term, just trying to collect wins big or small and not lose them.

I hurt my partner. A person they could fully trust and love and I destroyed everything.

I'm so fucking lonely and I need to get a partner somehow. It's tiring.

im in a crisis right now and i genuinely dont know what to do
cant talk to my therapist right now
house isnt safe right now
no irl friends because im a disgusting freak who deserved to be groomed and tossed aside
no actual family to talk to or call
cant drink
suicide hotlines track your location and im not going back again no matter what

ive just been cutting but desu its not really helping
Abused ugly masc mentally ill dogs like me quite literally do not deserve to be alive, I genuinely hope I dont wake up tomorrow

E__r, M___a, T__n, you all gave me the proof I need that I'm not and never will be good enough to be a human being and genuinely, thank you

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> but do you know any people who might already have the kinda job you wish to apply for?
Already got someone high enough up from a mutual at a tech company that I know who is encouraging me to study for an interview for an internship. It could be big for my career. The alternative is having no health insurance and being jobless out of college.

I want to post here more often, keep myself accountable, I'm very busy rn atm though. After a few weeks of having to do some dogsitting, I finally decided to go out and treat myself a little. I didn't have anyone to go out with (more like I'm too afraid to ask), so I went out and wandered around a particular neighborhood in a city and had some fun just checking out the shops and such.
Ended the night doing something I've never done before, it was a little out of my comfort zone. I went to a bar and sat there for an hour or two. Didn't talk to anyone, most of the clientele seemed older, probably wondering what someone like me was doing there. Next time I do this I'm going to a queerer bar. I dunno, it's a good first step. Most people had their groups and I wasn't going to butt into their conversations, but it made me ask myself, how am I expected to make more friends when pretty much everyone seems so closed off nowadays?

God help me

>>41273873
I feel the exact same, what's on n your mind?

>>41230713
>You're too sweet, thank you..
:)

>Yeah, for now all we can do is try and take it slow, I'm not going anywhere at least!
That's good to hear, I've got a couple of updates to share later today if I get the chance to.

>>41230713
>I'm very proud of you for taking as much rest as you need
I'm trying my best too, hasn't been too easy really.

>I don't always respond to everything but I hope you know I read every word, and wish you nothing but the very best
Thank you very much, Siganon.
I appreciate it a lot, I hope all is well with you as well.

bump

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>>41230713
sorry for the late reply. I've been pretty drunk off my meds lately... kinda drunk off of them rigth now, too. hope youve been doing well siganon
>Do you also feel a self punishment angle to it?
Yes. When I'm angry with my inability to perform well physically I feel like pushing my body further than I know it can take, like throwing a controller or kicking a machine.
the pain feels rewarding.
i hate my body. I hate how I look. I hate that it doesnt do what I want it to. i want to tear it apart or rip off my skin, to reconstruct it from scratch. i want to control it. i dont want it to be me i want it to be a vehicle or an object for me to operate and optimise.
life and bioligy doesnt work like that.
i'm childish. a sore loser

>>41271423
I am a little off right now sorry in advance (i am the hinji anon above). i dont know if you will se this considering how much later imp posting than your post but i am sorry somebody made you think that you cant be human... you dont deserve that. even if you were as disgusting as you think you are that wouldnt be reason enough to groom you or do bad things to you

>>41260139
Its not really a quick adjustment, you have to slowly find a way to hope again.
Baby steps.

>>41269848
>It is usually what I mean by "existential matters", yeah. A lot of the time throwing money at the problem can save one from a lot of stress
Totally, 75% of my major worries would disappear with enough money.
I could at least afford to give myself security with enough money.

>The issue is of course procuring it.. It sucks since it is not something I could give advice for
I know what you mean.
I'm convinced for certain now that the 9to5 model isn't sustainable anymore, certainly not for me.
I can't stand living at the mercy of a system that doesn't even want me to survive.

I need to find a way to make passive or at least more consistent income.

>And I hope you all know I do it because I appreciate you all in turn
I certainly do, I'm sure other do as well :3

>I'm glad you're recuperating by the way!
I'm trying to, I've had some slip ups but I am trying at least.

Despite being bad at it, I really do love sleep now.

>>41267065
>>What makes you feel this way?

I geuss I'm realising that I wasted a large chunk of my life instead of trying to make my life better.
I'm not as innocent as I thought I was, I could have applied myself much more too.

I don’t know about my previous problems that I discussed
I’m just incredibly horny today
Nothing matter but finding a boy to hump
Sorry if this disgusts you but idc
I LOCE HUMPING BOYS UNF UNF UNF
I LIVE MY BOY THE MOST
HE IS THE BEST
I WILL HUMP HIM SOON I HOPE
that is all
I know a bit pathetic and out of context but idk
Much love siggies

>>41277874
congratulations?

>>41277874
sometimes the best thing one can do for one's mental health is to nut

I wish I could afford a psychologist
I'm constantly anxious about things and need someone to vent to
A friend could work too but that doesn't sound likely to happen

i will need to start college again at 23
i will graduate at 26/27
im so depressed about that :(

>>41280887
i'm about to start community college again at 34. don't worry too much about it.

>>41280887
That's nothing anon, imagine going at 30 or something
It's the earliest time your circumstances allowed you to go
Graduating is a good thing no matter what

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>>41269468
>You should make certain that you have ways to contact friends you made at uni outside of uni.
I have actually, I can pretty much gaurantee that I'll be in contact with my current friend group since we've all got some online presence/niche interest keeping us connected. I had a crush on one of my friends a year ago but she didn't feel the same so it stopped at that, there's no one else I'm really interested in. I kinda just wanted to vent about my worries but if I'm looking at my life logistically I'll still have opportunities to meet new people through my current friends, I do appreciate the advice a lot though, thank you. I feel a little calmer

>>41280887
23 - 27 isn't bad at all. I've had classes with people in their 30s and even knew a guy who was 40 and married. Coilege shouldn't be seen as something done from the age of 18 to 22 post highschool but rather a moment you go through when you feel like you're ready. Some people are ready right out the gate, some people need some times. It's fine either way

I love twinks, have a bump

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>>41171158
How do I actually get fit?

I want to get the flat tummy but I weigh 70kg at 170cm.

I've been running more, basically every second afternoon, and I can do a 2 minute bridge, and I do 60 sit-ups, and 50 squats, but beyond that idk what else to do.

>inb4 anorexic
Even if I eat little I bounce back and I fuck it up. Every time I eat now I panic if I'm eating too much, and it just makes me feel like shit, so i'm not going to try it again.

hope you're all doing alright /sig/mas! ly all <3

struggling with cutting down weight lately but i think i can make it if i remove a meal from my day. almost done with midterms so that's nice.

>>41280887
Are you studying something you see as a good career choice?

>>41283660
>hope you're all doing alright /sig/mas! ly all <3
Thank you kindly, Anon.
I hope you and all here are having a pleasant day as well :)

im sorry for my previous comments

>>41269471
They used to say they miss me and enjoy my company
That stoped months ago
Oh well I helped make it that way by being lazy and boring and well not like them

>>41266844
I am unmotivated and I just gotta cope somehow. It all hurts but I’ll live. I’m ok

>>41171158
Has anyone else had any issue with joining the server? I keep trying to submit and application only to get a system error saying the requirements have changed.

I'm worried my personal failings will lead to me being abandoned.

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>>41171158
I need to start doing some sort of digital/analog journaling, if I have any hope of making sense of my own brain.

Any advice?

Gn everybun

>>41290454
gn you

>>41283575
count your calories and stay in a deficit. eat more fibers and proteins which keeps you full for more time

>>41288078
i'm worried i can't recover from this (it already happened)

>>41294294
does it ever get easier? i feel like i cant go a day without obsessively thinking abt everyone i once knew

I wouldn't mind being with someone that abuses me now. I'm just that socially removed and lacking in direction.

>>41295016
Nobody deserves abuse, no matter how misaligned they may be mentally.

Bad relationships are worse than bullet wounds.

>>41295016
dont do that :(

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>>41171158
Goodnight for now, /sig/, I hope you all have a good rest and get some quality sleep.

Take care and be safe.

>>41288472
Depends on what your goal is.
If you want to make sense of your thoughts, then chatgpt using the api if you can at all through a self-hosted deployment of LibreChat (more feature-rich) or SillyTavern (easier). Try a neutral character sheet at first.

If you want a meditative experience then ios and android has a native Journal app.
The native Notes app is a good way to start, but that will get synchronized with your email account, and you may not want that.

If you want to organize your thoughts, then Obsidian. Easy to start and powerful at the end.

If you want provacy and meditative experiences then an offline eink device or a pen with a shape and touch you find interesting (doubles as a worry stone/grounding focus) and a small hardcover notebook to keep you company. (Hardcover os harder to ruin than softcover in a bag/pockets)

Angry at my psychiatrist. Dumb hoe always discourages and doubts me. I've already proven her wrong to an extent, I hate being tied to her, but there aren't many other psychiatrists in my area and I can't get off the meds of course.
I told my parents when they first forced me on medication that psych meds are usually a life-long thing, and they didn't believe me and the doctor just straight-up lied to them. Almost ten years later I'm still taking them, and I don't even care that much, it just hurts out of principle — speaking the truth and being gaslit. I hate the people around me.

>>41295016
Don't. Please don't.
In tgere you wouldn't mind. You would rationalize it as that's what you deserve or that he tolerates you being a tranny (assuming you are) and that you can't give a child to him, so you shouldn't lock up alphas.
And you start acting like normal girlfriends do. Be with them all the time. Agree always. Be soft-spoken. Leave your friends. Antisocial media. 4chan. His interests become yours and you two become inseparable. When he wants it, that is. Of course he can go anywhere alone. Just you can't. Because good girlfriends don't do that.
They always agree. Always comply. Never speak out of line.
It's only natural when he pours out food you made for houes to him and rushes to have McDs on your expense. Because he does everything always right. Especially soup. You are not to touch the lid of the soup pot. Not once. Ever. Or else.
You start learning boundaries. And once in a while you try to esvape. Rushing into a wall. No money, shitty real estate market. A shared, windowless room with a shared bathroom in the sub-basement for... half your salary.
Then wait... years for him to mess up.
And then it was all your fault.
And you finally run.
And when you can't run anymore, then collapse.

>>41297845
Nice larp retarded faggot, srsly kys.
> Bruhuhu someone asked me the minimum standards of co-living
> Abeus! Reap!
Grow up faggot.

>>41294315
not really. i made the mistake of reaching out to various internet friends of the past, as far back as 2002. they were receptive, but it didn't fill the hole in my heart.

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Updates tomorrow. Today I need a break.

>>41297896
did that post make you feel bad?

>>41298443
rest well siggy

>>41296908
Implying anyone out there would actually get with me.
>>41297845
I'm cis male actually. I use sig cause I'm bi and kinda emotionally and mentally broken.

>>41298443
It's all good, take all the time you need.

Does anyone have advice on how to emotionally regulate? I think I’m over eating to self harm. I used to deal with minor cutting and some less common sh tactics, but i think the searing pain and the foggy d/c that come after is what I’m looking for when eating. Its more emotional reprieve then about being hungry.

>>41297768
Yeah thats why i don't talk to or open up to “professionals.” You can only have so much book knowledge, but it’s not as practical to real life experiences dealing with mental health shit. And its all written by lawyers now to help prevent liability, and it took away the focus on helping people. Could you diy lithium or something so you’re not a slave to big pharma?

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>>41269471
>I'm sorry it's such a mess
Thank you, I feel the same. It comforting to hear that. *sigh* fuck, it just so unstable. Anyway its a labor union. We will see if anything comes of it at this point. I deeply appreciate the apology, even tho its not your fault. I actually kinda hate how well it worked on me, but its funny in hindsight lol

>>41269624
Well one of my goals I talked about animation I’m a bit motivated because one of my favorite games released characters from twenty years ago and well I don’t like what’s happening to them since they are during their arcs when I wanted these characters after their arcs. I’m a bit miffed that they did that. So it looks my project can still go because I want myself to have these characters after everything because it’s like I want to see them again even if I am the one doing it. I’ve been reading some books like the Swamp Thing and I’ve been wanting to read the Stephen King books so I can get into the Dark Tower Series and I need to read the handbook to learn how to drive. I’ve been planning to visit my library so I can look for some jobs but I always wake up late, but I realized that I can go somewhere to use the internet. Well it looks they’re profile is now gone which is good now no one else gets exposed to it which means they got my report. At least it looks the NCMEC is still functioning which is good, but it sucks that they apparently had to take down lgbt+ things because of the government.

Does anyone here have experience with stopping daily crying from anxiety?

A year ago, my girlfriend at the time would snap at me often, sometimes weekly, since she had poor stress resilience and would take it out on me. Separately, a mutual friend of ours kept threatening to kill herself for attention and at how distraught she was at being unable to be FWBs with my girlfriend. Things basically hit a peak of abuse in November 2024 on Pride March night when both had meltdowns at me, both shoved me, and the mutual friend threatened to kill herself in front of me by jumping into the river. They fed eachother like a loop and both took it out on me for around a year and a half.

We got rid of the suicidal mutual friend. My girlfriend had an episode and broke up with me but we're still good friends and she's seeing a psychologist so she can learn better resilience and prevent herself from lashing out at people verbally or physically. I hope she recovers and I'm here to support her.

Yet, I'm emotionally fragile after everything and am prone to anxiety. I sometimes burst into tears and recently I have been crying daily as it comes up on the one year mark of that horrible abusive night. I've been self medicating with some painkillers from an operation I had a short while ago. The opiod blunts my emotional expression and at least stops me from sobbing for about 6 hours.

The memories of that night just get worse as the 1 year mark of Pride Night approaches. I have a new girlfriend now and I'm her first ever partner. I want her first Pride with a girlfriend to be wonderful and peaceful, unlike mine. I can't keep crying or being a mental anxious wreck like this.

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>>41247524
>>41248474
I've been thinking this topic over since I last posted and I came to accept the idea that people like us have always been around in a sense so it's not something that makes me subhuman or genetically inferior. Genes associated with autism go back 100,000 years at least (https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2016/11/161115101244.htm) and while it doesn't prove that autism itself existed, it does mean that it's probably existed for for at least thousands of years. This idea was something that I resistant to for a long time because it felt like copium for people that could never be normal but I finally caved and accepted that it was natural after all rather than some degenerate useless eater shit I had to be ashamed of for the sake of other people or for it being inherently wrong. I'm not sure if it will stick because I flake under pressure and I still wish that I wasn't autistic just so my life would've been easier but I guess it's progress. I still don't agree with retroactive armchair diagnosing of people that died a long time ago but all of the evidence I've seen points towards autism (and other shit like schizophrenia) as having been a part of human variation all along. We were always here, which still feels weird to admit.

>>41305103
*Doesn't prove that autism existed that far back

Autism is a developmental condition, right?

>>41305132
Yes and behavior.

I’m in that headspace again where I fight my impostor demons
Is it progress if I stop giving a shit? On part I feel like if I don’t in betraying some core principle of myself and of trans women in general on the other hand I really just want to be feminine and I think me failing to do that is the issue even if I’m “not a trans woman”
Ugh I hate this. I get it though, I’m not really good.

>>41305170
Boring post sorry please don’t read

>>41301882
I had no choice, I was involuntarily committed. I have no way of getting meds without a doctor.

>>41171158
Goodnight for now, here's one last bump before I slip into sleep properly.

I hope you are all doing well.

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>>41304195
Hey, going through something that got me similarly emotional every single day - i try to keep myself occupied learning something new, or going for a walk. (really, anything physical, like learning to play an instrument, keeping your head occupied with muscle movements)

It's a form of escapism, or rather pacing yourself so you're blotting out bad memories from surfacing, but it helps me. It's not perfect, i still find myself losing hours reliving old memories sometimes, but it's better than nothing. Just remember that you made it this far, you can keep going.

>>41304195
I don't know if you have a psychologist or not and how comfortable you are with people using trauma language to describe what's happened to you. It's fine if you reject such claims by others. Please ignore me if you do.

Firstly, I would like to express that what you went through is not fine. If you have the contacts, please do seek out friends, family, or professional help. You are not alone.

Try to talk about it with your girlfriend if you think you and she are ready for it. It will help you, and it will help her prepare for what you have experienced, why you are behaving this way, and what she might expect.

Try to give yourself grace since you're processing so much. It's okay to be anxious - your body expects a terrible Pride based on last year's experiences.

If you find yourself being anxious, try to focus on the present. You can do this by:
> Watching your breathing. Try to exhale longer than you inhaled. Ideally: Inhale 4 counts, hold 2 counts, exhale 6 counts.
> Try to name 5 things you can see, 4 you can touch (and touch them), 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 you can taste - have a glass of water for example.
> Try to describe an object in as much detail as possible.

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Oh my .. we'll hit bump limit tomorrow latest (311). Replies I won't manage this thread will obv be in the next.
>>41263619
>have any of you try to pick up school again?
Not a recovered neet myself but we had plenty here throughout the time! Pardon the late response, I had to slow down my posting speed a little to not go insane recently. The most important thing, especially with math, is to start revisiting things you are familiar with and work your way up from there. You gotta keep it slow at the beginning to not burn yourself out. It's not easy not to freak out when you don't understand a particular thing when you're all on your own, and there are a couple workarounds for this. Do you have people in your life to lean on, first of all? A peer group would do you well, a study partner of some kind. This would be ideal. If not, hell, you can ask questions here if you feel stuck. You are not stupid for struggling.
>>41269893
Yes, that is exactly what piqued my interest! I imagined it was immensely painful to read. I don't wanna dwell on their level of loneliness in this, however. I wana learn more about you. I understand those feelings you have, it must feel like someone taking your misery lightly. Of course I would much prefer both of you to be happy than the other way around. I hope this is not upsetting a thing to say, I assume it must feel impossible. They got you to speak up though, and that makes me happy. I would like to help you, to the limited extent I can. Tell me about your circumstances, what isolates you from people, etc.
>>41271096
I don't mean to be presumptuous, but hurting people eventually, even if just in little ways, is inevitable. We all hurt people at some point and end up thinking "fuck this could have been so easily avoided if..". This does not make it hurt any less when it happens. But I would like to hear more, perhaps things can be mended?
>>41271300
Would you say there are places IRL to look for people near you?

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>>41268172
>>41268617
>I hit 3 weeks of sobriety yesterday
first of all, congratulations, Anon!
>and now im just having nightmares and flashbacks way more
Ah, you're recovering from past experiences I take it, and the alcohol put the snooze button on processing them. Alcohol can't actually stop these thoughts, only delay them. The longer you stay sober, if you are given time and the right environment, these things will resolve, with alc the wounds will never close and always felt the moment you are sober as fresh as day one. It sucks, and I am proud of you for fighting your way out of this fate.
>I don't know what the point of trying to get myself to be okay around human beings is.
>I didn't have to worry about it killing itself
Were those the kinda experiences you had with people? I mean you mentioned an abusive environment you were in before. I understand that a lot of the things you could work towards feel pointless right now. But the thing is, and most people who have been in a pit as deep as yours will confirm this, these outlook things are circular. Right now people feel worthless and having people that love you for who you are (platonically or romantically) feels not worth attaining, but it will as you get there. You are clearly trying to struggle against the pit you are in, and we got your back in the limited way we can, if you want we can try think through the next actionable steps for you.

Honestly it also sounds like your therapist is/was a terrible pick for you, and the meds situation is really fucked
>>41271423
Hey Anon, sorry for only getting to reply so late. First of all, you are good enough. Are you still around? I would like to hear more from you, if that is okay.