OK this is going to be long and rambling but I need to say it somewhere and I can't think of anywhere else.I'm a man in my late 30s and I've been obese my entire life and therefore hated my body my entire life. but a couple months ago I was prescribed a weight loss drug and I'm seeing good progress. I've already lost 25 pounds and don't feel like I'm anywhere near plateauing. Around the same time I found out that I've also had a breathing problem my entire life. My problems with exercising, my low energy, my bad sleeping habits, it's because it's literally hard for me to breathe. That's going to be surgically fixed later this year. So at the start of next year I'll have lost probably at least 40 pounds and be able to breathe properly for the first time in decades. I realized that what I have here is an incredible opportunity to start living the life I want to live. I'll be able to be active, to exercise, to be social in ways that have been hard for me before. And ever since I realized that, I've had this loud voice in my head saying "I should transition."Now, I'm almost 40, live in a southern state, and am over 6 foot tall. So I wouldn't openly properly transition to living as a woman. But the idea of taking hormones, having hair removal, voice training, finally learning to take care of my nails, etc. and essentially living a double life where I'm legally and professionally a man but privately some kind of great big faggot is significantly more appealing than the singular life I'm living now. I haven't had any IRL friends since we all moved away from each other after college and lost touch, and the idea of making trans friends and becoming part of the trans community is like a dream.continued
>>41191266The problem is, from my early teens, almost as soon as I started masturbating, my go-to porn genres have been forced feminization and even sissy stuff. I know that's bad but when I was 13 or 14 years old, living in a southern suburb, not knowing anything about trans people, I came across that content and for some reason was just immediately like "this massively appeals to me". It's probably worth noting at this point that I was then and still am a virgin. When I realized that a lot of opportunities are going to be opening up for me next year, one of the first I thought of was "I might finally have sex!" but that was quickly smothered by the uneasy realization that after 20+ years of loneliness and offensive porn it's now very difficult to imagine an actual IRL sexual situation involving me. Lots of guys, when the first start considering that they may actually have sex, insert themselves into a scene from porn. Maybe I'm doing the same. But they're usually teenagers thinking about regular porn, and I'm a middle aged man thinking about offensive fetish shit.I'm particularly torn up about the conflict between my desire to be part of the trans community and the porn I jerk off to. I look at trans people and I see every positive attribute I don't see in myself. Trans people are strong and creative and amazing, and I want to be part of that so bad, but if any trans person saw my auto-complete search results they would be rightfully disgusted by me. I feel like a monster trying to insert myself somewhere I don't belong to get something I can never have and damaging it in the process.
>>41191273I know I might just be being narcissistic. I'm so wrapped up in loathsome I'm imagining myself as the number one most gross guy. But I also know that there are a lot of gross perverts out there who hurt trans people! The idea of befriending a trans person and becoming part of her life only for her to find out I'm just some kind of crossdressing chaser looking for a sissy sister is the most horrible thing I can imagine.This probably isn't a solvable problem, not really sure what discussion can come from this, but it's been burning me up inside and I needed to get it out somewhere.Plus I'd have to come up with a name and I'm really bad at that. There's an obvious choice but I don't like it so I'd have to get creative and I've spent collectively probably tens of hours trying and failing to come up with a name for a custom Space Marine Chapter. Fuck me if I have to come up with a name for the person I want to become.
porque no los dos amigxBTW GPT WROTE THIS FIC ABOVE
>>41191266>But the idea of taking hormones, having hair removal, voice training, finally learning to take care of my nails, etc. and essentially living a double life where I'm legally and professionally a man but privately some kind of great big faggot is significantly more appealing than the singular life I'm living nowthen you should probably do that
Get om HRT. You will regret not doing it. You transition when you can is what i say, no shame in that.
>>41191266being tall isnt the issue but being physically big kinda is. im 6 feet tall but ive never weighed more than 140lbs so its not that bad
>>41191266maybe put down the porn regardless of what you plan to do
>>41191266if you start living a double life it's likely to progress to you living full time as a woman after a year or so.>>41191273you'll be the bottom if you have sexmaybe you can have a sex change surgery and have sex like a normal woman>>41191285these feelings aren't really productive and just serve to stop you doing what you want with your lifeas for your name it could be sarah
>>41194650I've tried a few times but since there was nothing else going on in my life I always went back to it. Maybe now if I actually get out there and have a social life of some kind it'll be easier.>>41194705I really have no desire for SRS. I've never felt dysphoria about my penis. If there was a magic button to replace my penis with a fully normal cis vagina, I'd probably have to think really long and hard about whether or not I'd press it, but IRL SRS seems like a ton of money and pain to deal with something I don't feel is an issue for myself.
>>41194997come back in a year or two
