What's bothering you? Get it off your chest.
>>41381905I'm not even /lgbt/ but I keep coming back to this board. It's even one of my most visited websites now. The mind of the average tranny fascinates me.
what does your relatives think about me
>>41381905i feel like im never going to find romantic love and im not sure if i can cope with that
i think im gonna kill myself due to the state of the tech industry before i ever experience heterosexual love with a trans woman
>>41381905i cant make up my mind on if i should continue hrt or not. 2 years in
>>41382031what are your thoughts for and against continuing hrt?
>>41381905I've talked enough.
>>41382069for:>keeping hair>better skin >no muscles>generally prettier >i used to not want a libidoagainst:>taking a shot every 10 days just to not twinkdie is dumb>ever enlarging boooobs>realized that I cant be as romantically connected to men as I can with afabs and feel like I should have maintain my sexual function just so I dont die aloneas u see im a complicated person
>>41381905i want a boyfriend but im too scared of putting my face on a dating app and having some loser potentially clown on me. wish queer centered dating apps werent so trash.
>>41381905the same thing that bothers me every day, being a miserable repper
>>41382103desu i think my desire to not have boobs and keep my boners and libido is a sign that im a huge faggot coward and im still keeping one foot out the door even though i claim to be transitioning but thats just meif anyone can think of any mental gymnastics to reconciile this please let me know
>>41382126Your kind made them that way.
>>41382299Idk you probably just want those things. Dont deny your feelings, it wont end well. Im sure the majority of people are unsatisfied with some aspect of their gender and would rather be able to pick and choose what they have.
don't know how I feelgoing to nap about it
>>41381905i wanna text her so bad. when i was at my lowest, i used to text her every time i did something, however small it was, just to keep contact. it's so unfair now, now that i'm the happiest i've ever been, whenever i accomplish something she's the first person my mind jumps to. so unfair that someone that witnessed me in my lowest moments cannot stand by my side when i'm finally happy with myself.
>>41382487ohhhhhhhh i know that feel so fucking badwhat do you call it? codependency?its even worse knowing she was just a malignant narcissist who was only ever using me as a source of attention. as soon as i stopped giving it to her she fucked off and outed me to all of my friends. but i still want that connection with her
>>41382487that's a painful one anon.i imagine conversations with the people who are never coming back sometimes.i try to stop myself whenever i notice i'm doing it. it's a shame that sometimes the only way to learn is the hard way. only in hindsight could i have acted differently
i want to die even though things are going well for me , i actually made some real friends for the first time in my life and i'm so much less lonely than i used to be but the more time i spend around people the more i understand how inherently disgusting and worthless and empty i am as a person , im genuinely a useless degenerate who should be killed. i genuinely think i was cursed a long time ago to just suffer pointlessly all my life for no reason and i can't get enough courage to off myself i don't know what to do
I was improving myself and getting better and it led to new confidence and openness and I started talking to someone for the first time and I felt a weird mix of better than I ever had but also surging anxiety in waves. I thought it was going really well with them but then they ghosted and now all that's left is the anxiety, but constant and more intense than it's ever been. I can't get back to myself. I know this is about the years of ignored emotion and wounds and trauma starting to come out now and I'm in therapy for it but it's not helping yet and I'm starting to lose the will to keep trying to be better and I'm scared of going back into protective apathy and losing more of my life to grey unfeeling immobility I miss them like crazy but it doesn't matter anymore I just need to move on and fix my mental health so I can try again
>>41381905was fucking a guy recently for some months and working on my personal relationship with sex at the same time, but I put up a boundary with him during sex and got ghosted a bit afterwards, kinda feels bad to know all these years I haven't been having sex to centre my pleasure. just seems that when I've given it more thought, my whole "enjoyment of sex" is just thinking how can I get someone else to feel good with no regard for myself, and the moment I start doing something for myself, I just get tossed. makes me feel like I should stop caring about ever enforcing my own boundaries and just keep living up to the rough kink stuff because I can't be desired otherwise :/
Starting to voice train again after quitting for a while. Not because I was bad at it, but>Work retail in hardwareIt was great for a while cause I was passing so well even randos were calling me miss and ma'am but also I experienced for the first time just how dumb the average guy thinks a woman is and it kinda hurt. I think I'm healed up enough and ready to deal with it now tho
>>41382629Women with boundaries are hot though
>>41382629Did you have a relationship with him besides sex tho?
>>41382597the fucked up thing is that hugboxy redditors will always say some shit like 'naur dont be so hxcking hard on yourself :3" but i genuinely am a disgusting unlovable degenerate. it would be symptomatic of some kind of delusional mental illness to think otherwise.
>>41382638thx anon, I'm working on it more and more :) been trying to learn that safe, loving sex isn't "boring" and I don't need the risk of violence or intimidation from a man to enjoy the moment but wow is that hard.>>41382663nah not really, just a fuck buddy kinda thing. we'd still chat outside of sex and he'd try to string me along with "plans" for dates which I knew would never actualise lol. didn't really care about him that much but just feels a bit odd that's what ended a good thing.
it'd be nice if my partner would get a job so we wouldn't be poor forever
I think it was all a fantasyHe probably would've been grossed out by me in real life, he probably never actually wanted to meet up and do the things we talked about, he probably was never actually into me but just liked the way I made him feel when his life was going through changes and then when he was stable he no longer needed that and didn't actually care about me so he could discardIt hurts a lot because I've never cared that much before
>>41382606any idea why you were ghosted? it might be them not you.
>>41382687idk. I mean there's way worse people out there who are actively making the world a worse place that you're just living in. curious tho, wdyd to cope?
>>41382606>>41382739ive ghosted plenty of times because i'm scared of everything, especially other people. sure it could be about you but you can never really know for sure, so just try to put it out of your head and move on as best as you can.
>>41381905i'm unemployed and have been for 5 months since graduating college, i have 30 dollars in my bank account and am 100% reliant on my parents for everything, my car is a piece of shit, i'm an ugly hon, and i will never ever find love. i could very easily kill myself, my family has a lot of guns, and it's probably the only real solution to all of this, but i'm too scared and i don't know how to steel myself to do it.
>>41382766overcompensate by analyzing every unsuccessful interaction i have with other people and try to figure out what i did wrong. i also analyze celebrities, popular fictional characters, etc. to try and figure out what they're doing that makes them a person worthy of love how theyre different to me (a fundamentally worthless unloveable freak who everyone would shed tears of joy if they found out i was dead). there doesn't seem to be any correlation between being a good person and being worthy of love. it's something 99.99% of people are born with while the rest of us get to rot from the inside out. when i'm not doing that, i drink heavily.
>>41381905>What's bothering you? Get it off your chest.It's bothering me. Who's more real you or me? Why you even asking? Why you always one step aside from me? Why I never get your fucking ass glovie? I feel like everything is already planed and controlled in this matrix.
>>41381905absolutely fucking up every time someone gets feelings for me because I pathologically ghost people and I don't know how to talk to people. I feel stuck in this shitty persona I've made to get through life and I can't get myself to break free from how I've been conditioned to act, conditioned to feel, I feel fucking hopeless
>>41382867If you can see it and feel it, you arent hopeless anon, Just find out where the particular issue is and work on it. And i mean really work on it. I know you can do what it takes anon.
>>41381905my fugly ass hip dips. my wide fucking ribcage. my moided face. my inability to focus on any task.generally being retarded.
trans women are men pretending to be women
glowie
>>41382550imagining conversations that would never happen is going to be the end of me. maladaptive daydreaming scenarios where she still loves me, and goes out of her way to accept me back into her life is my mind's favorite choice of torture. sometimes i cant even fight back and just choose to drift deeper into the dream, just for that fleeting feeling of wholeness again. it's fucked up how much i still yearn for the comfort she once provided.>>41382541i guess so? honestly, i was the one overly attached; i might have been her best friend for a very long time, but while she got stronger and self-reliant, i just got worse. i turned into my worst nightmare. now she's gone and it's all because i was scared of change.
>>41382910thanks, anon. I feel like I haven't heard that in a long time...
>>41382597You're not disgusting, you're not a useless degenerate, and you don't need to measure up to others to feel better — every human being is different, and many notions that work for one person may not work for another. For example, whether you like blue or not, liking green doesn't make you abnormal. Not everything in this life needs to be pathologized, and comparison will only make you sad.Do things that make sense to you, live as you want. Don't look to others for a logical or moral guideline; that's useless. Live because you need to, one day at a time, one battle at a time. Don't anticipate suffering, deal with it in an organized way. If life seems overwhelming, if it makes you feel empty, fight. Fight against this notion that has arrived, fight because you want to be your best self. It won't be easy, and you will often want to give up, but don't give up. Even if you're not religious or very optimistic, you are special, for being born, for living in this era, for simply being alive! — Earth is probably one of the few planets to harbor life as we know it today.
>>41381905I think I'm actually just a boy and happy with being a man and I've been 'moding for nearly 3 years.
>>41382739YeahThey suddenly decided their mental diagnosis was wrong and stopped psych meds cold turkey and then switched up how they identify all within a week, ghosted a few days after that So essentially it's that - instability, about them and not me. My psyche isn't accepting that or finding it soothing though, still constantly ruminating about what else I could've done or if actually I did something wrong and they would've stayed to reorient with me while they went through itI know I just have to let it go nowIt's hard because of how insanely well we connected on so many similarities and niche interests and experiences etc, and just how much I liked them. It feels like such an insane waste and it hurts that they don't feel the same otherwise they'd just come back
>>41381905I've barely left my house in almost 10 years and I have no social life or prospects in life. I've stopped looking for a job and I mooch off my family. All while I am a permavirgin who can't decide if he's trans or if it's just a porn meme.I want to die.
>>41381905I really miss what me and my friend used to have and it makes me just want to remove them because we barely talk anymore, but that would mean we'd never talk anymore so idk
Everyone in this thread who mentions having "friends" or "experiences" is a nail through my heart
>>41383196these are all nice sentiments but it doesn't change the undeniable reality that nobody can stand to be around me. you simply cannot delude yourself into believing you have inherent worth when reality refuses to reflect that.
>>41383079>>41382550>>41382541>>41382487You have all expressed this better than I can but, yeah. Fucking soul destroying. I need to find someone else to care about, desperately
god i yearn for uncomplicated lovethe amount i have to twist my behaviour into a shape that suits the people ive loved
>>41381905Finding a sexually compatible partner is next to impossible and my job is stressing me out to the point I have to drink to maintain my sanity. I've been so stressed and depressed lately I haven't even been playing vidya and only jerk off like twice a week just to make the urge go away. The one thing I've got going for me is that my diet is going well because I really don't feel like eating most of the time. I'm still doing better than I was in the past tho.
>>41381956They don't care because I already gave them grandkids with someone else. It really doesn't matter anyways, I don't talk to them anymore.
>>41382103Look into prog and viagra, and just generally not totally nuking your test levels while still keeping them way lower than before. Even cis women have some test in their system. You can be mtf and still have a dick that functions well while transitioning or after for that matter.
>>41383479connection with other people is the only thing that matters in this world. everything else is just details. if you have people in your life who like you, REALLY like you, then there's no pain you can't bear.>>41383512people always say to just be yourself but that has NEVER worked. everyone i've ever been friends with, or romantically involved, whatever, i've ALWAYS had to change everything about myself and my behavior just to keep them around. the second i act authentically, or they grow wise to the fact that i'm not who i pretended to be, they evaporate. why does everyone get along just fine being themselves and i have to be the one to perform like a fucking circus monkey. why. why. why
>>41383575>why does everyone get along just fine being themselves and i have to be the one to perform like a fucking circus monkey. why. why. whyidk but I've always felt like I've been marked. Ever since I was a kid. People just view me odd. They reject my being at first glance. And moreso when they know me.I think the reason I come to this website is this is the only online space I don't have to affect myself. If people say hurtful things to me here it doesn't persist or follow me around. For someone so pained by the loss of so many friends. its nice to have nothing to lose when im here and still have little interactions. think I'm gonna go cry for a bit or something idk. I've felt so unsafe to cry lately cause the last few times I've cried its been completely shut down/lost me people
>>41383575I have no one in my life who likes me. I have a family that tolerates me against their better judgment
>>41383624>I've felt so unsafe to cry lately cause the last few times I've cried its been completely shut down/lost me peopleive never left someone because theyve cried or had a psychotic break or a panic attack or whatever. because ive been there and i know how horrible it is to be alone when you get like that. but other people feel just fucking fine cutting you out the instant you have a bad day. relationships are a disposable commodity to them and to me its all i ever want out of life.>>41383633how the fuck are we expected to survive like this. people always say that you have to learn to be happy alone before you can be happy with other people. that is complete bullshit. human beings are social animals. we're engineered to be suicidally depressed if we cant socialize.
>>41383633Then become likeable and seek out new people. It's work and it sucks but so is and does anything worth having or doing.
>>41383672You have to be able to be happy with nobody before you can be happy with somebody because otherwise you'll take anybody and you'll end up becoming somebody that's a nobody, and nobody is happy with nobody. Stop depending on other people. They will inevitably let you down or abandon you when you need them the most. Until you've learned that and don't need anyone dating in general is a terrible idea. Modern society could give a fuck about what you need, adapt or die.
>>41383672You have a good heart anon.
>>41383672I am happier when I'm alone, that's a big part of my problem because I'm still miserable>>41383675I have to get a job and move away first and I haven't been able to hold one down
>>41382804killing yourself with someone who loves you's gun would be a really evil thing to do.getting to live the neet life for a few months really isn't the end of the world, stop being a lazy piece of shit and use all that free time to work on yourself.
>>41383716i'm not even talking about dating. i could give a fuck about dating. i'm talking about having even just one or two people who actually want to be around you and will have your back unconditionally. everybody needs that.>>41383753thank you. i like to think so. but i'm just as bad as everyone else. i'm full of bile and bitter hatred and jealousy, and at the end of the day all i really care about is myself. but being good has nothing to do with whether or not people like you. maybe i should get worse
>>41381905I knew I was attracted to men from a young age but I hated these feelings so I did everything to change them, dated women, became super religious , etc. Nothing worked nothing changed. I wasted the best years of my life denying the truth and now I feel like I have no way to express it. I assume most people can tell I’m closeted bc of how they treat me and I just fucking hate it. On one hand I wish I wasn’t like this and didn’t have these thoughts and on the other hand all I want is a buff guy to hold me and make me feel small and tell me everything is going to be ok and I’m not broken for feeling this way I’m so fucking sad
my body is diseased and rotten my soul is empty. there is nothing inside mei am a curse on this world. i only hurt people around me. im not capable of reciprocating love. every day im being tortured endlessly in my head
>>41382804>i'm unemployed and have been for 5 months since graduating collegeHey at least it's not 5 years after graduating. That's where I'm at.
>>41383826Hey at least you graduated
>>41383832It's a bachelor's so it's actually fucking completely worthless
>>41383573ugh i always wanted to try prog but idk. and honestly i upped my dose and never checked my levels sooo yeah that's a good idea thanks
>>41383805How old are you anon? I managed to find a bf at 33 as a gay guy, it can go pretty high
>>41383762Then focus on keeping a job. Having gainful employment is a must for everyone, it's not negotiable, and without it you're not even considered human. I'm not trying to be an asshole I'm just being honest. If I lost my current job I'd kill myself if I couldn't find another within a month tops. >>41383798>i'm talking about having even just one or two people who actually want to be around you and will have your back unconditionallyGood fucking luck. I gave up on that long ago, I don't trust anyone totally ever. They will all let you down eventually. Love isn't real, platonic or romantic, the second you stop providing value the clock starts to when they leave you in the lurch right when you need them the most. This is a "fuck you, pay me" world and you'll do best to accept that and to accept that you need your own individual source of emotional revenue independent of anyone else alive if you want to make it. >>41383876No problem. But yeah, even if you're actively transitioning you do still want to have some test to maintain sexual function and for general health reasons. Cis women get all fucked up and have all sorts of problems if they have no test at all, it's entirely unnatural to shut down all test production regardless of sex or gender and will cause problems. If you still want your gock to work and you don't want to be a depressed mess you need test. Granted a lot less than normal cis male levels but at least on the lower to mid range of cis female.
>>41383805It's okay to be gay dude. Nobody cares and the only people that will belittle you or think less of you for it are still on their own journey and they'll regret it later in life. I'm not gay, I'm not even bi though I've been with men before, I'm just a switch that likes women cis or trans as long as they're a switch and like topping and bottoming. I've been called a faggot and belittled my entire life for enjoying bottoming as much as topping by multiple previous and prospective partners. It just is what it is, people are scared of what they don't understand. Just be gay dude. You'll find someone. And you're still more than young enough to have a lot of fun and a lot of great sex when you do. Focus on yourself and cultivating friends and finding environments that don't belittle you for what you are.
>>41381905I look sort of ugly as a mtf, I need to effort max for 2+ years so maybe I can fully pass. My bidelt if measured correctly is 17inches and my underbust is 31inch and I’m 176cm. I’ve been on hrt for 6 months now and look like a boy girl thing so many people sort of treat me weird. Overall I’m somewhat happier with myself but I wish I could’ve had the chance to just troon out younger but couldn’t because of my parents and living situation, and now I’m doing it at 20. I’m pretty miserable too. I’m missing out on so much. I wish I at least started at 18 but I would’ve been kicked out or maybe worse who knows.
>>41383958you're gay tho
>>41383965I've been with men before but the emotional connection just wasn't there. I'm heteroromantic and a switch that likes bottoming slightly more than topping but is equally happy being Dom or sub. It makes it basically impossible to find a partner I'm totally compatible with regardless of what they have in their pants but it is what I am.I know you're just being a bitch and making a throwaway joke about all bottoms being gay, but I've bottomed for dudes before, and while it was fun it really didn't mean anything to me and was just sex for the sake of the enjoyment of sex. I'd much rather get topped by a trans woman or a cis woman whether that's with a gock or a strap.
>>41383985bro just stop you gay
>>41383933>If I lost my current job I'd kill myself if I couldn't find another within a month tops.That sounds like a you problem desu, that's irrational
>>41383985>I've been with men before but the emotional connection just wasn't theretry to be with someone that you have emotions and feelings for anon, ya stupid baka dummy!
>>41383933>Love isn't real, platonic or romantici love people, and i am by no means an unique individual, so what you're saying does not make logical sense.
>>41384027I did try. It wasn't just a random hookup. I really liked them as a person and we're still friends but there just wasn't a romantic connection. It honestly really fucking sucked realizing that and the reaction of people just telling me to try again or that I'm actually gay isn't even offensive anymore or annoying it's just noise. I love women, I just want them to want to top and bottom.
>>41384011I wouldn't literally kill myself but I would want to to the point that it would be a near constant thought. If you don't trust anyone financial independence is pretty goddamn important.
Just looked back at photos of myself from a year ago where i was unsatisfied with my body. I was so much more femmeIve gotten so fucking muscular and man shaped lately, maybe my levels are off, maybe I've been eating too much protein, maybe I have been working out too hard (I have been) I'm still really hot but not like a girl any more I've like gone back and I just look like a castlevania guy again. Idk what i want any more. I'm tired.
>>41381905got some testing done and learned i was intersex not long ago, and a particularly rare variant of that. the day i find out im told its probably best to get a hysterectomy to reduce cancer risk and im still not really over the realization i have anatomy i never knew about. when i transitioned i didn't care that i was clinically infertile because i didn't want to father a child, now i've been told i could be a legitimate mother essentially, but i shouldn't because of a disease i don't have yet. i spent years trying to get treated for symptoms doctors wouldn't take me seriously for, and now im being treated with tact only because im a rare specimen. on top of all of that i have to let my sister know, because while its unlikely, she might be intersex too and she has enough on her plate already. i don't know how to navigate this new reality, i don't know how to organize a fucking endometrial ablation, and i don't know how to tell my sister without ruining what little peace she has made for herself.
>>41381954egg
>>41381905I like the concept of a romantic partner and I do write erotica, but ultimately I never go out to meet anyone and can't form an exact vision of "my dream partner" in my head. I worry that this is because I prefer to spend all my time working on my art, and I worry THAT is because my heart subconsciously doesn't want to open up to anyone so I keep people at arms' length for my own safety. I think I'm in that annoying quantum superposition of "wow a girlfriend would be really cool for emotional/physical support on those long winter nights" and "i don't want to be with anyone because i am an unchained bird who flies freely", violently ping-ponging between the two in a matter of minutes. I'm almost 29 with no life prospects so I just stay inside and let the waves of indecisiveness wash over me. Shit's wack, yo.
>>41384477Nope, I have no discomfort with my birth sex whatsoever.
>>41381905Full relapse into anorexia for over a week now because of some trauma therapy revelations. Sad news: this is a keeper too. I'm more productive, I'm no longer sad, I'm losing weight and the disorder just totally eclipses everything negative in the best way.I don't want to recover again. I don't even care if it kills me this time. I like being this way.
>>41381905in the grand scheme of things? not much right now i guessas of right this moment? my friends go to sleep earlier than me every night so it sucks just sitting here with no friends to talk to until tomorrowbeing alone even for a little bit stinks
>>41385190i can listen to u for a bit if u want
>>41385220no it's ok anon but i do appreciate thati was just participating in the thread and expressing what bothers me and stuffi'm used to the last few hours of my day being lonely but the upside is i can listen to asmr or play games with the volume up and stuff
>>41381905I have never felt so much intimacy with a person before i was genuinely in love ans i completely fucked it in the worst possible way cause im a coward. Now every thing in life that makes me miserable is ag the forefront while im drowned in endlessly repeating regrets in my head. Im trying to get better even jusy slightly but im at my absolute rock bottom
>>41381905The other night when she was high, a friend of mine alluded to wanting to buy me shit because she still has a crush on meShe has a boyfriend and also ignores half my messages so I'm confused as to what's going on
>>41381905nothing. i just ate alot of pickles and sipped the pickle juice. im good.
>>41381905I haven’t hugged my mom in years cause of secret hrt and she lies about loving me
>>41381905my exfuck you faggot
I made a post but I'll add it here too cause I legit need help. This is my voice around 2 years of T. I voice train so don't say that. Can I fix this or is there no hope: https://vocaroo.com/1gsNSM59KUVe>I have a trans gf, Iove her and I am scared she will leave me if I stop. Said she couldn't handle seeing me so depressed.>Our relationship already isn't doing great since I keep getting depressed because of dysphoria.>People around me also seem distant since I keep getting worse.>I used to have a lot of hobbies but it's all just been ruined the past year since I keep losing hope. All I can think about is my dysphoria.Maybe peptides? Do I just repress, maybe girl mode? I can force myself to be a lesbian for her, hide how bad it is.
>>41381905I’m genuinely just a cis dude that takes estrogen. I don’t really want to be a woman and idk what I’m doing, I just felt like I had to know what it felt like
>>41381905Repping for a long period of time and questioning whether I really was trans because I was doing fine.Then getting a huge wave of dysphoria and despair that sends me into a mental breakdown when I realise I am turning 20 next and I hadn't gotten on hormones yet. But I can't transition as I still live in my transphobic parents house and there is literally zero jobs that I applied that came back to me.So I am stuck with a masculanizing body. Testosterone really is a poison.
