>wake up after sleeping on my floor matress after a long week of stressful meetings with clients at my software engineering job>think about how despite working at a company with a surprisingly high number of women I can't relate to any of them despite being 10 years HRT now >also think about about how I can't even relate to men either anymore>throw on a baggy band tee and some shorts and go the gym>walk past countless zumba and spin classes filled with middle aged women>also see a crowd of teenagers doing football drills>remember how my dad used to encourage me to play football but I hated it along with all the boys in the football club. >fight back the tears admists an incredible sense of loneliness. >do my free weights routine and finish up by doing a 20 minute rowing session while listening to an Economist podcast about Chinese hovercars >only me and one other person in the gym at this time, he's a 6'3 gigachad with a pretty face that belongs on a popstar. >doesn't even look at me, nobody who isn't a ugly obese bastard ever looks me. >...>grab a pumpkin spice latte on the way back because it makes me feel like 0.00001% less of a moid failure >watch videos about redstone engineering and history>get a makeup advert where some fat bimbo talks about how everyone needs 4 different mascaras>find her voice and idiolect to be incredibly grating to the point where her saying "this is just sooo fab and this is also sooo fab" echo in my mind for a solid hour afterwards>take a cold shower >wander about what it would be like to have enough patience and attention to detail to actually care about my shade of mascara>feel incredibly exhausted just thinking about it >remember that I need to buy new clothes as well>feel even more worn out by imagining spending 2 hours shopping for clothes that probably won't look good on my male skeleton >break down crying again>...>hmm those history videoes were quite interesting, guess I'll play some HoI4 today
spend some of those software engineering bux on a makeup mirror and mascara then take some shrooms friend
>>41385735jeez i made so weird errors while writing this, for some reason my brain gets super confused for a few hours after I cry and I can't do anything properly >>41385766i have a vanity table already I also have black mascara already, just not a brown and two different party shades like that lady was suggesting, idk, I only ever go outside for work anyway, I don't really see how a brown mascara add any valuewhy shrooms? I've taken them a few times but I just find them to be very exhausting and kind of uncomfortable, I don't really think I get any insights from them like people say, I just have weird thoughts that seem like rubbish when I analyze them after sobering up. Like the last time I did shrooms I spent a majority of the trip thinking about how chaos and order are waging an everlasting cosmic war, and how chaos uses entropy to bring the universe into deeper disorganization, but order has life, and all life, whether bacteria or sapient humans, are programmed to order the world around them, and that the ultimate goal of life would be to indefinitely halt entropy, thus allowing life to persist in the universe forever.
Country?
>>41385844the brown mascara can look less makeupey and more natural depending on your skin/hair color
>>41385735This is why I mostly hang out with other trans people. Shared experiencesand people I cam relate to, don't need to hide who I am (regardless if it's transition or nerd shit), peer support, etc.We can be friends if you want nona.
>>41385844why shrooms - because they can help you to think less and feel more - switch off the 'malebrain'take a smaller dose, play some chill music and hang out in front of your mirror with makeup. or anything that gets you out of your brain and into your body. stretching, dance, etc. the opposite of everything in your OP.helps me
>>41385735>find her voice and idiolect to be incredibly grating to the point where her saying "this is just sooo fab and this is also sooo fab" echo in my mind for a solid hour afterwardsThis is such a deeply, solely male brand of woman hating my jaw actually dropped for a second reading it. Holy fuck anon
>>41385856UK unfortunately>>41385873yeah I imagine so, but still, I'm just too malebrained to really get itthis is how I think about it>people can still tell you're wearing brown mascara, so it doesn't help you fake a no makeup look >if I'm worried about adhering to a formal dress code, then black mascara by itself is still appropriate, plenty of female politicans use black mascara with minimal eyeliner in ultra professional settings. >increasing the contrast between my eyes and the surrounding area would make my eyes look bigger thus making me appear cuter, brown mascara offers less contrast than black mascara >the added mental cost of having to decide what mascara to use everyday sounds stressful, and mascara can cause eye infections if it expires so I probably use it fast enough before I need to replace it anywaythe only way I can possibly see brown mascara being useful is because>my hair is dark brown so maybe it would have interesting synergy over regular black >I have neutral-olive skin and like wearing nature colours like earthy greens, deep browns, dark blues, sandy bieges and so on, maybe it would have synergy with my clothing. pngejtldunyeljgphsnujhehnbmdejlyunenhdthn maybe I should try it >>41385892sorry nona I appreciate the offer but I have a hard time keeping friends over the internet, I'm very avoidant >>41385918okay... maybe I'll try it>>41385968¯\_(ツ)_/¯ if not for the character limit, I would've included a diatribe about how the mental image of her dull eyes and stuffed glossy lips seemed to judge me as I wrote the OP... I really I wasn't like this.
I really WISH* I wasn't like this* my brain is in a terrible state at the moment...
SOOO fuckin relatable worstie!
>>41385981>dull eyes and stuffed glossy lips seemed to judge meDid you feel loved by your mom as a child?
>>41386002It's complicated, my mom did lots of cocaine while pregnant with me and her habit persisted after I was born, eventually she left my family to become a gold digger or something, thus leaving me in the sole custody of my dad who talked endlessly about how evil my mom was. Incidentally, his mother was even worse and his body is still covered in scars from where she beat him as child. I never met either of my grandmothers. I saw my mom on/off during this period, and everytime I met her was horrible because she was always on drugs or going through withdrawals, I didn't understand that at the time ofcourse so I thought she was just a really mean and unfair person. It wasn't until I was 12 that my mom got over her drug habit and I had a semi-normal relationship with her, she was still dysfunctional but I got along with her better than my dad (who was also really horrible to me in his own way), she actually had a phd in some niche microgenre of social analysis, being a really nerdy kid I enjoyed listening to her research and work, but it wasn't really appropriate for me to listen to because she talked a lot about to porn industry and male sexual violence, remember this started when I was 12.It was around this time that I realised that I was trans and I came out to her first thinking that she'd understand, she instead became highly manipulative and did all sorts of horrible things to me that I cba to go into, eventually it culminated in her staging an intervention by getting a bunch of TERFs and self loathing gigahons to shame me for being an AGP pervert when I was 16. I stopped speaking to her after thatnow I have a distanced relationship with her, I still love her because she's the only person I can truly relate to on this planet. But she has a bad soul.
>>41385735i felt the same way you did and what helped was finding a community irl structured around a common interest. martial arts are good for this, i met the vast majority of my irl friends this way, seeing as you go to the gym already you could try taking one up. to be honest there's probably never been a time in modern history where people approach strangers less so going places on your own and expecting people to come to you is a bit of a fool's errand. so is expecting to make friends at work lol i used to hang out with the cis women at my company when i first joined but they're so boring. not even because of malebrain fembrain brainworms, just because they seem to genuinely have no hobbies and no life outside of work and their boyfriends/cats/whatever so you feel like you're having the same three conversations over and over and it gets kind of soul crushing. i met way cooler people by actually joining communities, not just hanging around them waiting for people to approach me but actually participating in them. your whole post kinda sounds like you're tired of consuming and just existing, change that. i also like that other anon's advice about drugs btw lol LSD saved my life highkey.>>41385981>UK unfortunatelyjust an idea, have you ever considered moving abroad for a new start? if you're in tech you're probably skilled enough. i'm not british but i'm from just next door and our islands are sort of lonely places by design, our cultures have a lot of surface level niceness but people tend to be reluctant to truly connect with others and just stick to the people they know, plus the cost of living crisis has done a number on basically everyone's social life unless they're minted. i've found that mainland europe is a way better fit for me personally but i had to try a few different countries and cities before finding the one i really like living in.
>>41386083I like your post, I'm too scared to do martial arts because I'm a tranny and I wouldn't have anyone to spar with but maybe I should make an effort to go out of my way to find some like minded people irl also yeah, I hate everything about this island, for the longest time I've decided that it's just the "grass is greener on the other side fallacy" but I can't know until I take a look, all of my online friends are from central europe/nordics, maybe I should see if I feel more at home there the sheer resentment I feel towards my own country and its people probably isn't helping with my day-to-day alienation.
>>41385735>>41385981>UKare you londonfrog? your writing is so similar to theirs
>>41386114no
>>41386108>I'm too scared to do martial arts because I'm a tranny and I wouldn't have anyone to spar withthere are plenty that mix genders so it's not as big a deal as you probably think. try and find something that's a bit more based on skill and movement than just pure strength if you're worried about that. look into HEMA for example, very lgbt-friendly as far as sports go, tends to attract a nerdy but still sociable crowd.>all of my online friends are from central europe/nordics, maybe I should see if I feel more at home therei live in central europe (not DACH though) and i love it here. has its issues like anywhere but i'd probably never go back to the british isles unless i had a really good reason. i've heard good things about denmark as far as the nordics are concerned.
Look at the bright side, at least you still have a job. You know that sense of impending doom that follows you everywhere? Evolution gave you that for a reason.t. haven't interacted directly with another person in 3 weeks
>>41385735this sounds more like autism than anything else but i have to ask are you a manmoder or a girlmoder?
>>41385735do you at least pass? if so, your life can't be that bad
>>41386751i've been girlmoding for like 3 years now and yeah I'm autistic (amab autism is basically extreme malebrain)>>41386757I "pass" in the sense that I haven't been gendered male in a million years and everyone on passgen says I dobut my voice/mannerisms/personality/skull size/fashion sense/etcetcetc probably gives me away
>>41386828you are 10 years hrt... i bet you look like an autistic girl
>>41386849I wrote out 3 walls of text but decided they were all dumb and reductive, so I'll ask you, what does an autistic cis f woman look like?
>>41385735>listing to a podcast by the transphobic, Rothschild-owned economistIshyddt
>>41386961really cute but also kind of aloof and doesn't understand how cute she isfinds social situations difficult but has strong opinions about what she wants
>>41386828that's lucky, i'm still clocky as fuck after ffs and only pass because of my hair
>>41387022There are zero left-wing publications/podcasts that have the same level of journalistic quality that the economist does also the economist is pretty level headed even when they're being biased, it's not like the typical communist podcast that has bleeding-hearts going on 2 hour long diatribes against isreal or trump every 5 minutes. Even if I agree with them I find it intensely uncomfortable to listen to people like that. I want impersonal facts and business class analysis, not emotive anecdotes and apocalyptic doomsaying. This is a big reason why I'm pretty isolated from people irl, there's lot of these types that I'd really like being around if not for the fact that they don't share my numbed disposition towards this shit rock we live on. >>41387027i feel this isn't backed up by realityevery autistic woman I've ever met has fallen into 3 camps:Wonderkid activists (think Greta Thunberg)Fury guro artists Soft-butch lesbians Not a single female autist I've ever met acts the way you described, or acts how I'd describe myself. I'm extremely avoidant and very emotionally disengaged. >>41387061do you get gendered male? because if not then samet. started hrt at 18
Brown mascara is for white people. If you have dark brown hair and olive skin you only need black or maybe white or red for fancy shit but whatever Brown will be useless
>>41387161thank you nona
>>41387188Np, I'm a light olive myself lol. Goal with makeup for us is usually to increase contrast and I'm not neutral I'm warm but saturated colours tend to look better too on me so might be worth a look. More nude looks barely show usually.Try to look up Indian makeup advice or olive skin makeup advice online and discount normal advice it doesn't fit us
>>41385735Can I play hoi4 with u?
>>41387128>Greta Thunbergshe acts exactly like I described
>>41387207i still have no idea what i'm doing, i've ever gotten really into victoria 2,3 and stellaris, I have like 10 hours atm but getting rekted by supply lines t_t, I'm going to need to watch a few letsplays first I think >>41387200yeah you're right, I do seek out olive makeup advice mostly but this was just a random advert that made me feel even more clueless than I usually do>>41387213maybe desu, I don't really know how she actswell still, I don't really act like greta, I'm awkward and shallow irl and mostly live in my own inner world, I write more words in my diary everyday than I speak in a week
>>41387128>do you get gendered male? because if not then samestarted hrt at 17, i don't usually get gendered male but i got called mate a few months ago and been spiraling over that ever since
>>41387535>I got called mate a few months ago yeah happens to me sometimes too, who knows if I got clocked or not, it's easier to just assume that I don't pass tbqh, that way my self esteem doesn't crash from random social interactions where the other party has no idea how painful their words may or may not be. also I'm still yet to meet a single transwoman who 100% passes, maybe this is just toupee fallacy though, the bar must be extremely high if I'm as clocky as I am despite being 10 years hrt + hrt at 18
>>41387580it's just so brutal because i really thought that ffs would make me pass and it didn't because my midface is still fucked. i was supposed to travel today but i felt so dysphoric about my appearance and doomed about a bad photo i took a few days ago that i just stayed home and played vidya instead
>>41387706>i was supposed to travel today but i felt so dysphoric about my appearance and doomed about a bad photo i took a few days ago that i just stayed home and played vidya insteadyeah this happens to me a lot too, nowadays I'm just basically an invisible person, I can't bare to face the humiliation of day-to-day life beyond the bare essentials like work
i'm beginning to wonder if all the trannies who don't bother trying socially assimilate have it right, it just feels unbearable, maybe IWNBAW, maybe I should just accept being a perma tranny instead
