(1/3)picrel is an odd one, but one of the only remaining photos i have of my during transition.novel incoming, i’m sorry i transitioned in total from age 17 - 21. i transitioned socially in 2019 (age 17), got on estrogen a year later, and was transitioning fully between 2020 - 2022. i detransitioned socially in 2023 (age 21) but remained in estrogen until the end of the year, when i stopped everything completely, there’s a lot of reasons i detransitioned, but i still do feel some amount of gender dysphoria. dysphoria.i’ve recently been thinking about it a lot more. i’ve been back on reddit, and looking at stuff like r/transtimelines, i feel a pang of jealousy. i’ve been open and talked about my transition online. i was asked why i detransitioned, and part of my answer is what follows.
Not reading all that, but I want to hold a gun to your head while you suck me off. I'll hold your hair with one hand. Consensually.
>>41408532(2/3)To me, dealing with gender dysphoria is something I compare a little to having an eating disorder (although I could be off, I’ve only been around ED cases, haven’t had one myself). I think of it this way in that I’m unhappy with my body, I see it as something else it’s not / other people perceive my body “as is”, not how I feel it should be - but mostly in the way that although I don’t like it and don’t want it, forcing myself to make the “healthy choice” and take care of the body I have is what’s best. It’s something that requires constant maintenance, both mental and physical, to keep on top of. Working out does help. I would work out (back then it was to lose significant amounts of weight so that I’d actually DROP muscle), and it would make me feel powerful and happier about my body. That was one ‘sign’ that lead me toward detransitioning.Mostly though, why I chose to detransition, was because it was never going to be enough. Although I passed to the general public, I wasn’t happy with my own body - particularly my naked body. I passed in public because I had clothes on. Clothes off, it was obvious. I’ve often felt very “mismatched” because although I wrote about being feminine, I have some very masculine traits to my body. I have a super large ribcage / barrel chest, and a pretty big sternum. It’s one of my better traits if masculine is what I’m aiming for, but back then it wasn’t. There was just no way I could see myself as feminine when that’s what I was working with, and if people saw me with my clothes off, they probably wouldn’t either.this picrel is the most recent one i have of me now. unfortunately i don’t have any properly comparable body pics i can get rn, but im pretty thin, 5’8, but have quite a masculine bone structure.
>>41408581>I wasn’t happy with my own body>so I decided to fuck it up even more with testosterone Retard
>>41408581OH HELL NAWIT'S OVER.
I had breasts grow, and the way they grow on a male chest just looks really malformed, if we’re being honest. If you go on r/transbreasttimelines (I think that’s what it’s called, it’s a sub for MtF boobs lol) some people definitely get lucky, but those people showing off their body will always be in the minority. For the most part, there really is only so much estrogen can do for a male body. The effective changes were to my skin and my face (fat distribution). It was never going to do anything to my male skeleton, and I was never going to be happy chasing an unattainable goal.. The genital changes were hard to deal with. imo, id rather: a natural vagina > a normal sized, normal functioning penis > a neovagina > a limp, estrogenised penis. But the latter is what I had, and I was hating it. Before transitioning I didn’t think I wanted SRS. After starting I hated what my penis had become so much that I did. The thought of SRS now scares me again.Another part was just the cost. To completely pass, I’d need to run the gamut of surgeries. I had bangs because I’ve always had a very obviously masculine forehead (big, sloping, M-shaped hairline - quite out of sync with the rest of my face lmao) so FFS was a priority for me. Breast implants as well, and SRS obviously. I was also wanting other, more dangerous things like clavicle reduction, rib removal, vocal surgery, and a BBL. Permanent hair electrolysis is also very costly and time consuming.Voice training was something I felt was impossible. I always felt my voice was significantly cartoonish, especially because there are absolutely no voice training resources online that aren’t geared towards Americans, so tough fucking luck if you’re not and want to sound like a regular girl from your area lmao, your only other option would be a vocal training coach.only other transition picture i have is picrel
Long story short you didn’t pass, boo hoo.
>>41408560ahhahahahh that’s not what i look anymore lmao>>41408610true, i think im just gonna start doin heroin instead
>>41408613lol you passed you didnt need ffsbut yeah i get it, transitioning sucks.
>>41408646lmao, i still have screenshots of posting in unsee back in the day and having /tttt/ collectively tell me that i pass and to not detransitioned or ill kill myself. guess where my mindset is now ?.
>>41408532You look like an incel but you have potential
>>41408672curious how one (i.e. me) can look like incel, i was also thought it was a personality type. nothing really comes to mind when i think ‘incel’ as opposed to other personalities
>>41408725You have the look of a sexless male, idk, hard to imagine any woman being attracted to you. But your short midface gives you a good change to pass, plug your eyebrows thinner, it looks more feminine
>>41408613did you seek any kind of therapy for any of these sorts of things. Some of what you are saying seems to stray into bdd territory, yes. You make the comparison to anorexia which is something most trans people would feel is not at all apt. But it can be when you are seeing a distorted view of your body. You could probably get help trying to figure out where the dysphoria stops being reasonable and bdd begins. What is the end result of your path? You are unhappy being a man (apparently) but being a trans woman, and by no means an unpassable one, is not enough? And you cannot be a cis woman, so which of the options is acceptable?
>>41408532the things you're saying about your body (apart from the penis part), chest, etc are exactly why I gave up on my transitioni retransitioned about a year and a half later, i really regretted it in the end lolit set me back a lot and I still got problems like body hair from it
>>41408667Why didn't you listen? I may be retarded, but I'm not retarded enough to think that the small amount of relief I get by trooning is going to persist or get better if I detroon. I only tried that for 4 months before I realized that strategy is cooked
>>41408821wait, retransitioning was the regret? or detransitioning was ?>>41408810yes, i’ve been consistently in therapy for a very long time. and i’m sorry to say, but one of my more controversial opinions is therapy really does nothing (unless you were incapable of introspection in the first place). i’ve tried a lot of different therapists, counsellors, psychologists and psychiatrists (plus meds) and for the most part i lay everything out and the. some, and all the really say will be “it’s a very tough question, isn’t it?”. some will push me in one way or the other, but that typically comes along with ignoring every sign to the contrary (i.e. gender therapists who want me to transition focus in dysphoria and ignore my doubts, or psychiatrists who think transitioning is a bad idea ignore the dysphoria and what got me here in the first place).i’m also intersex, so a good majority just look at it through a biological perspective, which doesn’t help help because there’s not much you can do about that.
>>41408532Not reading all that but if you feel like you're a girl then just transition or you'll regret it.It may be costly but do whatever you can
>>41408581THATS YOU NOW? ITS OVER. you shouldn't transition desu you look like a normal dude who would probably be happy if he got married had kids and forgot all the suffering that being a tranny entails. also not to be mean but undoing that is gonna be hard and you'll never look like you did pre detransition now.>I loOk mAsCuliNe wiTHouT cLoThEs sO I dETrAnS>goes off hrt>looks even more masculine now>"actually guys i neeed to go back on HRT!"....
>>41408532i aint reading allat but youre way too cute to waste your life as a dude come on now
>>41408871>unless you were incapable of introspection in the first placeEven if youre capable of introspection therapy still works because it helps you open up to someone else that can bring in a different perspective or notice things you can't (if they actually good at their job). The act of speaking to someone else can also help you organize your thoughts because you're presenting them to someone else. shits expensive tho
>>41408871fair enough. Talk therapy requires just as much genuine interest in interrogating yourself as your therapist should have. Therapists do not provide you the answers, they try to help you find the answers within yourself. Many people say wtf if I have the answers what am I paying for. Why ultimately do YOU feel like for example a neovagina is worse than a testosterone penis? Why is having a larger ribcage/chest so horrible? Do you have positive feelings related to being more feminine or are they all negative because you felt you weren't feminine enough?
>>41408923do you really think it’s possible to leave it all behind and have a fulfilling (straight) relationship ? i mean i’ll never have kids but just purely in terms of dating someone idk if it’s in the cards for me
>>41409012see, these are all great introspective questions that no therapist (and i’ve had a number of them) has EVER asked me. like, im genuinely going to have to sit down and think of an answer for myself, sorry im sorry i can’t answer your questions straight away.
>>41409054oh okay. I dunno they seem kinda obvious to me. I can imagine my therapist following this line of questioning, I guess I should stop paying him lol. They are tricky questions because sometimes the answer you find is that you just feel dysphoria because you feel it is masculine, but then that would be a pretty sure sign that making yourself more masculine would not be helpful. Regarding bdd type thoughts within myself, I find they come from a fear of being unlovable, being alone, never finding companionship, due to these aesthetic flaws. Thinking something like that, however, is not very realistic. People fall in love and make friends for reasons beyond that.
>>41408532Idk you gotta figure your own shit out. You did not pass before and imo look better now, but also you have to figure out what's important to you and how you want to live your life. I'm in a similar situation but feel like I mostly figured it out. But that's me. You gonna figure out you.
>>41408532>>41408581oh no
>>41408871>wait, retransitioning was the regret? or detransitionidetransitioning was*i'm not sure how or where you stand mentally around detransitioning, but for me it was more of a "i give up and i'll kill myself eventually" downward spiral mode of thinking, rather than a "love myself" kinda thing>therapy really does nothingalso I agree lol - mainly cause it feels like each modality is like a product sold to healthcare providers that they can checkbox off as "coverage for <x>". and introspection doesn't make it any easier to "act" upon the problem in the first place, theraputic copes are difficult and honestly, all seem to boil down to keeping distracted in the end xdbut anyways yea, in the end it all comes down to perspective, and we can't shape that for you - it's something implicit to you as a culmination of your past, present experiences and feelingsfor ex. you say enjoying getting "stronger" was part proof for detransitioning but you can be a strong woman too y'know, it doesn't inherently make you a man (i.e. leanbeefpatty lol)but ofc - personal experiences (and desires/ideals built from that) will shape your perspective on that thought and potentially make you react "ah I get it but that doesn't work for me", so..in my case, i experienced changes that made me panic and re-evaluate, realized and learnt that no matter how i felt, i couldn't give up and experience that againwisdom tells me that typically extrapolates to all human experience, and no amount of coaching, advice, discussion will persuade someone if they weren't interested in the first place, or until they have first-hand experience and come to their own conclusionsdwell some more on your thoughts and think towards your future, gl
>>41409343thank you for the kind words, anon. it’s als really insightful. i’mnot sure if it was rhetorical but i will answer that my detransitioned definitely was more of a downward spiral, rather than loving myself. i’ve had some pretty severe suicide attempts and went down a pretty bad path of drug addiction.that being said, for a while after accepting myself as male, i really was happy. i’ll save your comment for future reference, ive got a lot of thinking to do. best of luck to you too anon.
>>41409415you're welcome, glad you found some meaning in my rambling lol>i’ve had some pretty severe suicide attempts and went down a pretty bad path of drug addiction.oh yea that's what happened to me too - ketamine & benzos till i fizzled out xd>ive got a lot of thinking to do. best of luck to you too anon.thanks (:hope you can come to a satisfactory conclusion anon, you sound pretty insightful so i'd say:keep attuned to your reactions, thoughts, feelings as you progress through life/live as a man - hopefully that'll help with coming to the right conclusion for youand be mindful of whether, in the moments of doing so, you find yourself trying to escape, run away from such with distractions (e.g. substances, other addictions)
>>41408532Ugly tranny>>41408581Cute girly twink
>>41408532A spiritual solution is necessary friend.
>>41408581to me you look like a masc dude in finance. you would fit right in.
>>41409965why his neck be looking like that tho
This thread is making me really reconsider my choice to detransition
>>41408532You have no reason to re-transition so why should you? you are trying to fix the symptoms of an issue, rather than the issue at its core. You will never be able to fix the issue by putting on a facade. It will never make you happy.
Not with that brow ridge. Cut your hair off and get in the gym.
>>41408581you have a luckshit midface, i think you'd be a gigapassoid with ffs
>>41411403Why?
>>41412033mid:lower ratio is too large.
>>41408532It is inevitable, after all.Asking should I re-transition is like saying should I re-medicate my aids and cancer, if you don't you're gonna die anyway, and you were cursed by nature.
>>41408532>>41408581>>41408613no/thead
>>41408581>it's like having an ED>haven't had one myselfmalebrain kys it's over
Hi OP, I read your thread.I also detransitioned when I was 22. I retransitioned when I was 30. It was brutal. Detransitioning is without a doubt my greatest regret. Second greatest is repressing until age 21.When I see detransitioners my age going theough the same, it's like watching myself make the mistake and wanting to call out and make them stop, but there is rarely anything I can do to really break through.It's hard to put into words the change in perspective that causes someone to accept themselves as trans after previously being unable to. When i type it out people usually ignore me or brush it off. It's because it's the kind of thing that you can read and "know" but until you feel it deep within your soul you can't really "understand"The simple truth is that you can't live your life according to a rational best interest calculation wherein you make aacrifices for the benefit of people who don't see and know the real you. Making those kinds of sacrifices requires a relationship of true understanding. to put it in simpler terms, you can't just choose to stop being trans because you don't pass or don't like how your body looks. Your body may be changeable to some small degree, but your "soul" will never change. I get called a delusional hon whenever I type that but I just don't have a better word than "soul," it doesn't mean i believe that souls have a definitive gender, necessarily.At the end of the day NO ONE WANTS TO BE TRANS. Almost all of us battle against it and badly wish we were cis. But something within us compels us to be who we are. It isn't necessarily that you'll kill yourself if you don't-- in fact suicide is a harmful meme spread by well meaning liberals to try to understand our situation. But you'll never live a full, happy, truly joyful life if you don't. Obviously to understand that you must first understand true "joy"
>AGPs 130 IQ>HSTS 110 IQ>reppers 90 IQ>detrooners 70 IQ>I look too masculine, Im gonna detroon so I look more masculinelmao I cant
>>41412417No one here is going to pass by 30. It amazes me that you all don't seem to think about your future and how this is you expressing your dumb fetish, which isn't going to be as fulfilling or urgent at 30 as it is at 20.
>>41412446oh no Im not going to pass by 30. hmmm I think its better to detroon and get more masculine! thanks for the help!
>>41412446I retrained at 30 and am one of the most passing trannies on this board xD I haven't been misgendered since at least 2023.
>>41412041I don't know. I don't know what I feel nor what I want. I deeply fear both coming to regret detrooning and coming to regret trooning
>>41413038well you've already done both so you may forever regret either one. you probably will never know what the right choice is. you have to be comfortable with that uncertainty. try to frame it around what you want out of life. in 10 years, what do you hope to be as a person? what relationships do you want? what do you want to accomplish outside of transition? is either detransition or transition incompatible with any of these life goals? its okay to not really have an answer, but it's good to think about
>>41413038if you actually have GD never detrans
>>41414584In the headspace I'm currently in, answering your questions is impossible. I hope I can work on and improve it, but I can barely do the tiniest kf things without also being severely suicidal. I don't want to live another 10 years. I don't want to have any relationships. I don't want to accomplish anything.Both detransitioning and transitioning are incompatible with my life, since I don't even feel like I'm living to begin with.Really whiny blogpost, but I guess I just wanted to vent.>>41414617The hate I feel towards myself most likely isn't even GD, despite it superficially getting channeled into hatred of being a man
>>41416926>The hate I feel towards myself most likely isn't even GD, despite it superficially getting channeled into hatred of being a manexpand
hey nona,i think you look really cute and passing as a girl. but you also look really handsome now too! i relate to alot of what your saying, but i dont think ill ever detrans. Ive fought too hard to get where I am. but i get what you are saying, especially about the breasts :( mine just look like big gyno. my bf loves them and says theyre pretty but they arnt shaped like a normal girl's. i think you should do what made you happy. did you feel happy when you were a girl, if you were in a vacuum? like beyond how others percived you, naked or not, did you like how u looked? if so, go back. its not too far gone. youd need laser/electro, alot, but you still have the same body. you could be a girl again.you seem really intelligent. i hope you figure things out. good luck out there o7pic unrel
>>41416968I bear extreme self loathing towards my entire essence as a person. I genuinely hate everything about myself. I hate my appearance, my personality, everything I love, my desires, my dislikes, everybody who's kind to me. I just hate everything which has been touched by me or reminds me of my existence.That's why I doubt any hatred I bear towards my birth sex is actually gender dysphoria. I feel like if I find a way to stop my incessant self loathing that I will come to like being a man.
Imagine your tranny gf >>41408532Detransitions into this chad >>41408581Who steals your new gf
>>41417428easiest way to know if you dont have it is to list a bunch of male and female features and see if you like or dislike them. other than that you have a LOT of other issues to deal with
>>41416968>expandoff topic but do you use LLMs a lot by chance? i feel like this is an example of people talking to other humans like they talk to bots
>>41417461no. its normal to say that, I know its insensitive in this situation but Im lazy
>>41417015yes and no. i wasn’t happy with my body, and i wasn’t happy with my genitals. but i was happy with my face. i do remember looking in the mirror and smiling. sometimes id play with my hair and feel really pretty. but my face did not match my body :/
>>41417455that’s one of the oddest ways anyone’s ever spoke about me. thanks anon.
>>41417458Ive tried making a list with any male or female features I thought I might like, and the list remained empty, because I simply don't know what I like, or whether I like something. I agree that I have many other issues though
>>41408581maybe everyone else is blind or im the blind one but i dont see what damage T is supposed to have done here. only difference i see is hairstyle and facial hair.
>>41418584thats really weird. Im apathetic towards life and completely dysfunctional, but I can easily think about sexual dysmorphic characteristics and reach the logical conclusion that Im negative with male ones and neutral/positive with female ones. if it were the opposite I would detrans immediately>>41418631I agree with you
Do I think you could pass? Depends on what you define as passing. I think after surgery you could present as a woman and lots of people would be comfortable referring to you as a woman. But do I think you could pass well enough for people to not be able to tell you are trans? No I don't think so. Take that information as you will.
>>41412417lmfao! it really is that simple isn't it? xxD
I hope the mtftmtftm who detransed then ghosted me is doing well with it this time I think about them a lot still
>>41408581you look good, stay that wayhow are your balls?did they shrink any and grow back? how about erection power?fertility?
>>41420493yes