Part 2/5
>Mum is barely present, always at work
>Dad gets worse, need to look after him, make sure he doesn't choke on his own puke when he sleeps
>Check on him every time before I leave school and after I come back
>Rented place is a shithole, dad is going crazy talking about the govt spying on him and shit
(Next part is hazy, brain still hurts whenever I try to think about the following weeks/months, so it's based on what I can remember and how I felt)
>One night, dad is drunk ranting to me about how the pimples on his arms are govt experimental injections to fuck with him or some shit
>Dad then switches topic, thinks my mum is cheating on him (he's wrong) and how he wishes he could give me a brother
>He comes into my room, I'm hiding under my bedsheets, scared
>He asks me if I'd want a sibling
>He SAs me
>Multiple suicide attempts before after these events (just straight to suicide, no SH)
>Using video games as escapism taking CSGO, Arma and Ins: Sandstorm seriously
>"Warcrimes are cool"
>Get radicalised into extremist right wing thinking through my online friends and media
>Memorise Ben Shapiro, Matt Walsh blah blah talking points
>Start worshipping Hitler in college, making swastikas and putting them around the college
>Believe that Hitler was right about eugenics, ethnic cleansing and that as an Asian faggot furry, I deserved to die
>Join Army Cadets
>Think that maybe I can "beat the girl" out of me become a "real man" by doing manly shit
>Become brick looking dude, brick body, growing body and leg hair
>Face is still feminine/androgynous looking
>Girls start to hit on me, but I'm not interested
>Feel very dysphoric about how manly my body is becoming
>Still want to kill myself to appease Hitler's ghost
>College therapist recommends me to CAMHS
>CAMHS gives me autism diagnosis, parents angry and say "but there were no signs"
>CAMHS also refers me to GIC
>I learn what a trans person is

End of Part 2

Part 3/5
>Parents are very angry at me for "not being normal"
>Parents refuse to do anything about the GIC referral
>Tavistock collapse
>Dad continues to abuse me and my mum (getting arrested multiple times)
>Dad dies from cancer from alcohol consumption
>I feel rage from everything and bury myself in Elite Dangerous
>Mum says she will accept me being trans once I turn 18, but before that I'm her "handsome and strong son"
>I age out of cadets and reach a crossroads
>Dysphoria is at an all time high, and I choose to go to uni instead of going to the Army
>Hate doing PT because it just makes me look more boxy and masculine, sent to adult GIC waiting list instead
>Distance myself from my mum by living at uni accommodation
>Finally start to think for myself instead of a "yes man" for my mum and realise how abusive and fucked up everything in my life has been
>Break away from hardcore right-wing pipeline shit
>Really struggle for my first year at uni
>Can't make irl friends because they're all normies and my retarded fucked up humour of "haha watch this video of a child do some dumb shit and die on liveleak" (wasn't even liveleak) hasn't gone away yet
>Struggle financially because no job and govt loans aren't enough to cover food and rent
>Go from bricked up muscular dude to skeleton ass looking mf
>But damn that waistline got me feeling happy, even if I look like a skeleton
>Focus on surviving the academic year while going to short term therapy just to survive
>Get a few pieces of feminine clothing such as sweaters and bras (also forgot to mention that before, I had to wear vests to deal with nipple chafing, even though it didn't help much and my parents ignored me as a kid and I'd steal my mum's bras to make the pain stop instead)
>Pass the academic year, but forced to move back in with my mum
>Mum doesn't agree with me being trans and tries taking away the clothes "for her use"

End of Part 3

Part 4/5
>Constantly argue with her about my feelings, she gets upset because she wants me to "get married to a beautiful woman and have biological kids" for her happiness
>Tries manipulating me by telling me about how much better it would make her feel for me to stay as a man
>End up putting a divider between us for the rest of the time I spend with her
>Move out for the next academic year
>Next academic year is a disaster
>Fail to show up to classes and fail to submit any project work
>End up in A&E multiple times due to self harm
>End up getting voluntold to go to crisis housing or psych ward
>Choose crisis housing and suffer
>Spend most of that year chronically online and playing SS14
>Real life pressures and insecurities bleed into the game, and I end up perma banned for my own mental health
>Rarely go out, windows always closed
>Barely exercise, barely eat, days where I just wake up screaming in pain
>Sometimes I wake up and think I'm back in my old room because of the lighting
>Cry a lot
>Move back with her post academic year
>She continues to make me feel dysphoric by talking about how manly and handsome I look because of my adam's apple, body hair blah blah
>We continue to have a back and forth about me being trans (and autistic)
>I make remarks about how if I had HRT, I could definitely pull off a dress when we go shopping
>Tease her with my troon voice (I 10000% don't pass and I fucking hate it)
>Mum says she'll accept me being trans when I get a job
>Argues that since I'm still with her, I'm her property and she gets to dress me the way I want and that I should think the way she wants me to think because anything else hurts her feelings
>She states she doesn't care about my consent because I'm her child (even though I'm a fucking adult)
>I point out her constantly moving the goalpost and how she's being manipulative
>Arguments continue until I move out again
>Feel like a freak that doesn't deserve love and happiness

Part 4 end

Part 5/5
>Feel like I'm going insane as I go through with my repeat of my 2nd uni year
>Barely hold it together throughout this September, losing track of time and deadlines
>Now this October
>3 projects overdue, and 2 due next week
>Missed 2 uni classes and have been ghosting everyone
>Left my previous lectures early because I can't stand around being anyone physically much right now
>Most I've been doing to battle dysphoria/transition is inconsistent voice training, plushie cuddling and crying, and hair and skin care
>Can't afford and clueless on how to DIY
>BEEN ON THE GIC WAITING LIST FOR OVER 6 FUCKING YEARS (I am so sick of fucking waiting, why the fuck is God doing this to us)
>I AM SO DONE RIGHT NOW

End of Part 5

I've been holding out on self harm so far because I don't want to get sent to a psych ward and I promised myself things would be better this academic year and so far I've only fucked up 2 weeks. I don't know what to do, I feel like I'm being crushed and pulled apart at the same time like paper by everything and I just wanted to fucking vent out my troon life bullshit somewhere before doing something stupid like ropesmaxxing.

Like, rationalising that all of this BS being part of God's plan for me doesn't even comfort me that much anymore, I know Jesus will comfort those who have suffered, but now is one of those times where everything is too much for me and it hurts and I just want everything to shut the fuck up, like why God make me an Asian autistic tranny bitch?

I don't know what else I can do to try and pass or feel better because I'm a poor retarded bitch and this is my dumbass cry for help or whatever idfk anymore I'm tired.

stupid faggot thinks anyone is going to read all that

Diy isn't that hard and I can help you get it if you want

>>41463389
Valid comment, just wanted to word vomit somewhere really about my shit

>>41463306
R you Goan? I’m an Indian Catholic too

>>41463442
Sadly nope, Filipino

>>41463425
Maybe I'd be down for it, haven't really got a budget or done any bloodwork done though

>>41463466
Nah you don’t wanna be Indian and especially an Indian tranny, we have all the downsides of being a caucasoid ( browbone, nose etc) without any of the benefits (being white)

Also really fucking clueless on how to DIY anything, brought up it up a few times with my NHS workers (retarded I know) and they advised against it, but at this point, I'm sick of waiting for the GIC and rotting away in this fucking corpse of a body

>>41463347
Quite the dissertation. It possesses all the requisite elements of the modern troon melodrama: the dysfunctional ethnic household, the conveniently-timed autism diagnosis, the online grooming pipeline, and the predictable university flameout. Frankly, it's a rather textbook case study in how online-induced ideation manifests from unresolved trauma. You've followed the script perfectly. The GIC isn't your core problem; the problem is that your entire identity is a pastiche of tropes you absorbed online. You're not a unique person experiencing a unique struggle, you are simply a collection of symptoms in a bespoke internet-age prison you've built for yourself.

>>41463525
aislop

>>41463498
That's fair I guess, face looked mostly androgynous growing up until like, I turned 18 and the beard and moustache started growing (fucking hate that shit so much)

>>41463525
Read that as desertation lol, but yeah, not saying that I'm unique, I just wanted to rant somewhere about my experience, since posting that on r/asktrans or some other reddit shit would get me banned

>>41463306
Hi, are you on discord or signal? I can help with diy.

>>41463551
delete this, don't dox yourself

>>41463616
I'm on discord, handle is misshuntress1082, pfp is the same stupid venus flytrap OC in the img

>>41463475
Do you have ~100 dollars lying around? That'll buy you a year's worth of estrogen. You can inject 0.1-0.12 ml of estradiol enanthate weekly and get monotherapy levels.

File: 360_F_556962752_l2mTz4aZl(...).jpg (16 KB, 360x360)

16 KB JPG

>>41463624

>>41463633
>>41463649
Can I also add you? Second message is me

>>41463649
I wish I did, can't remember, but I think I have another maintenance loan coming in sometime at the end of this year, and one next year

Already £400ish in rent debt so things are rough

I'll keep on trying to save money though

>>41463666
Go for it, anything goes at this point

(haven't received any new friend/messages yet)