>>41469180
my injection site hurts so bad and i cant tell anyone cuz nobody knows i got this

>>41469180
i have ruined my life beyond repair, i have no plans to turn it around, im going to kill myself soon

>>41469180
fucking fuck you what the fuck you fucking fucker I fucking hate you now what the fuck

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there is a man who my heart pines for and who crush on so hard but i can never ever tell him
it hurts so bad because all i want is to make him happy and be there for him
hes alone and i know it hurts him, he doesn’t think of himself too highly either i dont think, he calls himself a loser and it makes me cry

i can never ever tell him how i truly feel about him because its parasocial and creepy because hes a small content creator
and it breaks my heart into a million pieces because i just want to be there for him and be his rock and a shoulder for him to cry on, i want to solve his problems and be nice to him and tell him how he never ceases to impress me and how proud i am of him and how hes a unique special person who’s one of a kind

i can never say any of the true emotions in my heart
i hate myself so much for this

Did you say lez out? Okey

i just want a girl to hold me and whisper in my ear that everything is going to be alright. maybe give me kisses if she isn't disgusted by me. i don't even mind it if she doesn't like me and is just doing it out of pity.

i want to be a pretty girl and wear a skirt and spin around and i hate myself so much for it, i don't understand myself and that hurts

>>41469180
Im only attracted to masculinity and I love bottoming but I also love pussy and hate topping. Thus is life.

i really just want to be held and told im a good daughter more than anything. being a victim of csa who gets disowned by their parents for being trans hurts so much and it feels like i never got a chance. it hurts most knowing i legitimately tried to be a good kid and it doesnt matter due to circumstances that were entirely out of my control. even despite the things i was subjected to, by all metrics i should have been off the rails doing bad stuff. but i stayed on honor roll all my life, and never seriously acted out besides (functionally) doing drugs to dissociate. im so jealous of cis women with normal supportive parents and i spend a lot of time trying to find older women to hold me and tell me im doing a good job. im also extremely ashamed about my own desires for this :(

i wish i had a mom. or something

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>>41469180
I think I have a crush on someone from this board. It's really stupid, I don't even know what she looks like. We just ended up talking basically every day and I've been getting excited for when she posts and missing her when she doesn't. I don't think she gets as excited to talk to me, but she does, so maybe I'm just overthinking. Or maybe she's just a bit more normal than me. We couldn't even date if I wanted to go for it since we live nowhere near each other. Idk, I worry that I'm just desperate, it's been a long time since I've been with someone. I wouldn't want to hurt her. I feel so stupid. I'm thinking about asking her to talk outside of here, but I'm not sure if it's a good idea. I'd be fine just being friends, but I don't wanna ruin what we have going on by making it weird even asking to just talk somewhere else where we can just message each other. I'm not good at this

>>41469626
75% of small content creators end up dating fans, your dreams dont have to be memes

>>41469180
I'm cheating on my bf and i'm not even enjoying it. like im being a whore because it feels like a girl like me is supposed to be a whore

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>>41470262
i pray every day and night that maybe something could happen between us

but i just don’t know…i don’t know how to broach the subject with him, i don’t know how to do this appropriately

i don’t even know if he would want to date a stupid boymoding tranny loser failure like me, even if he was open to dating a fan…

he makes me so happy…i wish i could be his and make him happy, too…chatting with him and being on vc with him are the parts of my day i look forward to the most…the other night he was playing bf6 and rambling and talking a bit and i laid on my bed with my shark and imagined i was sleeping on his lap, it was so nice, but then i started crying because i felt so creepy and awful…
i don’t even speak in the vc i use a mute chat he set up because im too scared to use my stupid tranny voice, i hate it so much

i really really pray and hope that somehow my wish can come true, he makes me so happy

>>41469180
>AGAMP
>dated women most of my life
>the only type of pork I’ve ever watched is trans
>always self inserted as trans girl
>relationships with women always ended because of my AGAMP thoughts
>got dolled up and dated a guy
>felt good
>he fucked me and I came while he was inside but no post nut regret
>pretty sure I should have groomed 10 years ago
>primarily fantasize about my guy friend fucking me after catching me dolled up
>women no longer turn me on

Probably trooning now

>>41470604
Have you tried telling him how you feel? Like genuinely?

>Confession
Have you guys ever read The Lonely Man of Faith?
It's weird, being what I am and having what I have, and not being able to relate with anyone IRL

Not to mention being on the spectrum (ADHD) so that's another fun twist in the mix
I don't know if I'll ever find love, I don't think anyone can handle me. I can't even handle me sometimes

Yesterday we spent together the whole shift, talking and laughing the entire time, caught him staring at me several times but today he doesn't even want to talk to me, like he feels disgusted by my presence, it's honestly disheartening but also extremely dumb, I'm so stupid for even thinking he likes me even just a little bit...

>confession

I became friends with this girl from tinder, we hit it off really well, but weren't compatible sexually (she wanted to top, and I dont bottom) so I introduced her to a friend of mine, they hit it off really well, and are now living their best transbian life, and everytime they're together acting cute or being all lovey dovey I feel so fucking sad and alone, like I'm glad that they're happy together, but there's a small part of me that resents myself for doing that, because all I see is how happy I could have been

im feeling lonely tn. i listened to the beginning of songs for a blue guitar today and i couldnt get past the first somg bc i remembered the time i listened to it woth you and held you while you cried into my shoulder. i love you and im glad you're doing better. just miss ya wnd im drunk is all. you were the most pure and beautiful soul i ever laid eyes on

i fucking hate my life i fucking hate my life i fucking hate my life i want to kill myself to badly

I groom transgirls by giving them the money for estrogen then I buy slutty clothing for them and make them model it for me.

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>>41470621
no i haven’t… i just don’t know how to, and i dont know how to do it appropriately…my feelings feel so awful and creepy

and my gut says that he wouldn’t be amicable to it, i dont think he likes me but i cant really be sure…i just dont want to ruin things because im afraid he would be creeped out and get angry at me and want to go no contact

i just dont know what to do…i feel like an awful miserable coward and it hurts so bad…

M,
I still hope we can some day see each other again
R

>>41470888
>trips get wise advice
Start small anon, tell him how much being in his streams/vcs/etc. make you happy, and the qualities you admire about him, be friendly, tell him how his existence impacts you, as someone who makes art and content, hearing how much someone is impacted by your content feels good, I dont think he'd go NC unless you straight up hit him with some creep shit, don't overthink it anon

if I see you again I will actually literally murder you how could you you fucking betrayed me

>>41469180
I was raped before I even knew what sex was. Now I can't do it without freaking out, regardless of who I'm with. I have to dissociate the whole time. I can't cum either. I'm ugly and visibly trans so nobody would want to take me home. I'm in love with this trans girl but she would never want me, nobody likes trans boys. People who like men want a real man, not someone clawing at nothing and pretending to be one, only able to fuck them with plastic.
It's alright sleeping with lesbians. Maybe once I hit a year on T and I have time to go to the gym I'll look good enough for someone to want a relationship with me.

>>41469180
i really hope my life works out my mom has cancer my dad is dead my bf broke up with me a few months ago my life is spiraling out of control and i just want one positive thing to happen in my life soon please

>>41471062
I'm sorry to hear that anon, eventually life does get better, but for the moment feel free to scream into the void

Im sorry I said you werent trans. Im going through my own shit and also felt resentful when you said I was arguing like a man. I don't even know what the point of me saying that was. Im sorry and I regret ruining everything.

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>>41470939
thank you for the advice…i genuinely appreciate it from the bottom of my heart

for what it’s worth i do a number of these things…i always try to compliment him when appropriate, i tell him that he makes me happy in a variety of ways, things like that…sometimes we’ve chatted just me and him into the late hours of the night about mutual interests, it’s so nice when that happens…

im going to continue and will try starting small like that…
but i dont know how to cross the rubicon, in the sense of actually telling him my feelings at some point…
…what do i even say? this pathetic tranny loser likes you? im a khhv and ive never even been on a date before, i dont know how any of this stuff works…it all feels so foreign and the juxtaposition of that and the intensity of my emotions makes this all feel so scary…

>>41471144
Then you're like halfway there, do you have conversations with him about stuff? I think you're probably getting into your own head too much, and bottling up your feelings wont help either, you have to rip the bandaid off, worst case scenario, he's not into you but you remain friends, if someone is as genuine as he sounds I doubt he's going to hate you or anythinf

I was left by my mother during the genital phase of psychosexual development and developed a hardcore oedipus complex. Not the kind that everyone sort of has, but like an actual oedipus complex. I really hate myself for it.

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>>41471172
yes i do, usually about mutual interests but sometimes other stuff too
i remember a day ago or so we talked about bf6 for a while since we’ve both been enjoying it a lot, he really likes the battlefield series
not too long ago i told him i restrung my guitar and he sent some music he made before doing finger style type stuff, it impressed me so much and i made sure to tell him that and how cool i thought it was…he seems to like it when i compliment him i think but i dont really know…

i think you’re right though at some point i will have to rip the band aid off and tell him…i just dont know how to
and i just idk
i feel horrible about it
and i feel awful for not actually talking to him in vc
im terrified it will turn him off that im an awful tranny with a stupid tranny voice even though im pretty sure he knows im a tranny

i just feel so torn and conflicted about it all, i wish he somehow could just read all of the stupid posts ive made on this board about this…

>>41471264
Just do it! No thinking, just show up in his VC sometime and talk to him, its better to know and have that closure than to spend the rest of your life miserable wondering about "what could have been"

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i like him so so so so much and he knows how i feel and said he wanted to get to know me better,,, i really wish i knew how he was feeling cuz even though we used to flirt a lot and stuff now that he knows im serious its become a little less like that,,, i dont know if its a bad sign or not butit makes me anxious
he works a lot and is usually busy so i get very little time to spend with him which means it takes longer for us to get close,,, i wish he would just,, see how i feel and give me what iwant so badly,,,,,, i want to be his i want him to be mine i want himmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

you are nothing to me

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>>41471284
you’re right, i need to stop thinking so much with my stupid brain…it’s just hurting me
i think that would be a good first step…just talking with him on vc actually instead of just texting…
and maybe when it’s late at night ill try and ask him appropriately or something like that…

thank you for the advice anon i really appreciate it, you’ve made me feel better

>>41471374
i know. but you're everything to me. cant help it. just ignore me. i promise i wont come to your house and rev my car real loud now that i got the muffler removed.

im a homeless tranny living in her car

>>41469626
It's only fair that I confess my adoration for you, sweet boymoder.

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Everytime you text me, even when its just to sat hello, i get all wheepy and emotional
I think about you all day everyday, i miss when we'd talk sun up to sun down telling each other sweet things. Theres nothing more i want than to be able for us to see each other whenever one of us gets up. To get to kiss each other hello and goodbye, fall asleep holding one another or all cuddled up on the couch. I wanna share everything with you, i wanna be holding your hand anytime im out in public, i wanna hear you talk about your day before bed every night again
I miss how things were so fucking bad. I wish i could've told you how much you meant to me before it was over, i wish we could go back to all of that

>>41471532
im not your person but i feel the same way about someone. i hope we find the same way things were with someone new where things will last. it's hard to know how great things are until we've lost them.

best of luck friend

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>>41471514
are you the same person as before? you were very nice on my threads…

i wish i could confess my adoration to him but even the thought of that, even the thought of just speaking out loud gives me an adrenaline rush in the worst way possible

i just wish it was easier somehow…it’s all so scary…

>>41471574
I don't want anyone new though.............

>>41471587
Not the same person in this thread, but previous ones.
Love is scary. I hope you find your courage. I wish I could there for you.

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>>41471708
thank you for being kind to me before…i still remember that

love really is terrifying…i hope i find my courage too
it’s so hard though
i can hardly find the courage to speak let alone tell him the true emotions locked deep within my heart

i wish he could just hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok
hes such a sweet kind man
i dont want him to be alone and sad
i want him to be happy

i ripped my jeans, got in a fight with my parents, and now im sleeping in my trunk.
im so sad.

>>41471736
I want you to be happy too. You're so sweet that you deserve that love back.

I feel a little resentful at the honmoding babytrannies in the irl friend group because I boymoded for years until I could pass but they’re just being visibly trans

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>>41471768
i hope i can get it back…i think about him every night and day…it really would break me if it doesn’t work out…because i care about him so much

>>41471841
I'll be rooting for you, qt. Stay safe out there and good luck.

>>41471960
thank you for being kind anon

i think maybe soon ill get the courage…

>>41472016
He'd be silly not to take someone as wonderful as you

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>>41472022
i don’t know…i wouldn’t be surprised if he wants a real woman
or gets creeped out from my emotions
or just doesn’t respond well to them

i just hope that’s not the case
he truly is the one thing in this world that makes me happy
when i go to sleep at night i cry and pray that one night ill finally be in his arms
it would be so nice…

i saw a picture of his arm that he sent the other day and i stop imagining being in his arms and feeling him…it would be so fulfilling…

>>41472268
I wish I could do anything to make a girl like you happy. I hope he's able to brighten up your world so you can finally be joyful.

>>41472287
i hope so too otherwise i think its over for me
thank you for being nice to me

>>41472316
>i think its over for me
Please don't say this. There's so much out there for someone like you.

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>>41472333
all i can do is hope that there is something out there for me
i feel emotionally drained…my mind ruminates on this constantly, it hurts…

i just hope i can muster the courage to speak out loud in vc…it hurts so bad because there’s times where it’s just one on one but there’s also times where there’s other people in there
and they’re all real women…it’s part of the reason i don’t speak, it’s pathetic but i feel absolutely inadequate in comparison to them…they all speak so effortlessly while i cant even muster a word…

i wish i could just go to sleep
some of the happiest times for me is when i am drifting out of consciousness imagining hes holding me and caressing me gently…

>>41469180
I want to be a real girl
I want to be loved
I want to live a happy life
But none of these will ever come true

>>41472378
I yearn so badly to help you be happy. You deserve it all and more.

>>41472378
dam anonette. does he know you're trans? you should consider ripping off that band-aid and at least joining VC even if you don't explicitly tell him you're trans. it looks like you're already really invested in him and I don't want you to get even further down the line with him and deeper into it and then something happening, it would hurt even worse if you waited imo

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>>41472510
im not really sure but i think he may know or at least have a hunch based on some things ive shared with him
but hes never heard my stupid awful tranny voice before and im terrified of pushing him away
it doesn’t help that half the time the vc is occupied with real women and i just feel horrible thinking about speaking in their presence

i do need to rip the band aid off but it’s just so hard and scary because im terrified he will be disinterested or not want me or get angry at me for my feelings towards him
i truly mean it when i say he is basically the only thing i have in my life that makes me happy
i dont want to lose him
hes such a sweet man
i admire him so much

>>41472621
can you post a vocraoo?

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>>41472686
https://voca.ro/1cChdAxIMztn

even recording a stupid vocaroo of my voice spikes my adrenaline
i hate my stupid tranny voice so much
it doesn’t pass and i would make a fool of myself to speak around him especially with real women around
it all just hurts so bad

i hate myself so much

>>41469180
I could make new friends if I lowered my standards a bit, but with most of them being retards with 0 interest in going outside it bothers me. I put myself out there quite alot but to not really much avail, for some reason everyone's comfortable staying indoors all their life and playing vidya? insane mindset to me. I guess a part of being an adult is accepting you're going to spend a lot of time alone but it's usually only once every couple of months I actually hang out with people other than my coworkers. I don't really count vc's or online chats, don't really hit the same spot to me. I'm just frustrated and wish I had real friends I guess.

>>41472728
The need to protect grows even higher.

>>41469180
after i aged over 23 grindr dried up, i guess it was pederasty the whole way down because physically i am in better shape. i am just dissapointed in myself for caring for these years and in my """community""""

I killed a kitten when I was a small child and I think my life ever since has been karmic retribution for that act. I have never told anyone that I did this. It makes me feel like a monster.

>>41472836
but why? it’s a stupid unpassing tranny voice that makes it even more clear that im not a real woman
it would repel him

>>41472974
It's a sad, vulnerable, cute voice that needs protected and cherished.

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>>41472995
you’re very sweet

i can only hope and pray he feels the same way
im terrified he won’t, it truly terrifies me
i just want to be his good girl
but he probably wants a real woman
and the thought of speaking out loud with my stupid tranny voice especially around real women scares me so much

i wish i was normal

>>41473027
I wish I could hug you until you felt like the cute, normal girl you are

I cheated on my trans girlfriend with another trans girl who pass better. I still stay with her because she gives me better head, even though I'm not nice to her at all.

>>41469180
I was in a years long situationship with this girl and now that it's over its obvious I just got used but I still really miss her

>>41473027
I'm (a different anon) rooting for you, anonette.

Take this where it goes, shoot your shot (but slowly)

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>>41473433
im going to try my best to take it slow
i really hope and pray that things eventually work out
because truly he makes me so happy
and i just want to make him happy

I workout and I'm improving socially but seasonal depression is starting to hit hard. I'm 20 and I have never been in a relationship and now it's kinda hard to cope with that. I like yet another guy but he's probably not even gay. I'm still too socially awkward and boring to be with someone, too

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>>41469180
>let it out
I'm in love with a cishet man, but it feels like I'm hurting his future by being his partner as a tranny.

>>41469180
i think im going to try to quit smoking now
but at the same time, fuck that.
i have alot of other nicotine things. so it'll beeasy

i dont like how most tobacco smells though, and i like to smell fresh so.

>>41469572
>>41470834
scream into the void

I can tell she's just leading me on/being nice but the chance of getting to be with her is making me ignore that

>>41474792
say more

>>41474826
IDK I feel like she is just doing the bare minimum to keep me from losing interest. Which is a feeling I HATE. This crush is so bad its either got me feeling like a teenager or like I wanna punch a wall.

>>41474875
I feel like I'm in the exact same situation. I was up late sobbing my eyes out this week over it. I can't tell if she's running through the motions with me just to have someone for a bit or if she thinks I'm doing that at this point

It's quite a pickle, she keeps saying yes to spending time and it always feels so distant

>>41474951
Damn sorry to hear that anon. How long have you been at it?

We're still pretty early in whatever the fuck we have is, but she's just got so much going for her that is perfectly what I want. Because it's still so early I'm trying very hard to just be patient and see where it goes, but I also have a few . . . idk what to call them, tests? Thresholds?

Basically, if certain things fall through and we can't make anything happen within a quick enough time period after that I'm just gonna say thanks anyway and look for someone else.

Hell, even if that's the outcome after we have a chance to see if this can work I'd be perfectly satisfied. The thing that would kill me is if we never had that chance to see if it feels right.

i might have to move back in with my parents if i can't find a job soon and its absolutely fucking killing me, im only >1yr on HRT so i could hide it but its still painful knowing id be moving from a place like the PNW back to a small bumfuck town with no queer community
god fmstl, i wish i had the strength to just be done with it all

>>41469180
my boyfriend ran away with all my money and friends money i accepted as loans i gave him to help with his finances/health condition. now i have no money and am 500 dollars in debt and there wont be foodstamps next month so i don't know i guess i'll eat grass. i feel like giving men money is inherently malebrained i felt really bad about doing it, i didnt want to invalidate his manhood, thats probably why he left me. and now i'm just alone again, because all my friends are mad about the money and the ones that still talk to me are expecting me to pay them back before the end of the year. i fucked my life up i'm so stupid

i want to marry my girlfriend but we are long distance even if long term and i want to spend my entire life with her...

it feels like im an absolute burden with all my bullshit. thankfully shes bi and doesnt want kids so me being a tranny isnt a horrible thing, but i dont know if she really wants to spend the rest of her life with a bpdemon with a secret gore kink.

she can provide for us and she is everything to me, but am i enough? can i do anything for her? im not sure what she sees in me.

she sees something though and shes going to visit soon so i guess its just a matter of talking about my feelings with her. itd probably be worth it. shes so beautiful and smart and empathetic and compassionate, i hope she can find it in her heart to forgive me for what i am

>>41475011
>How long have you been at it?
really not very long at all. like very short..
>Basically, if certain things fall through and we can't make anything happen within a quick enough time period after that I'm just gonna say thanks anyway and look for someone else.
damn. made me slightly panic reading that. I was spiralling a bit last night worrying I haven't been pushy enough. I could probably use this, what are you hoping for her to do? Maybe shes like me and going slow because I've ruined everything by being too fast before

>>41475075
>i didnt want to invalidate his manhood, thats probably why he left me
No he's just a scammer

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My old friend pinkpilled me and now I just feel like an HRT femboy

>>41475041
aaaa D:
i got scared by the very spooky doge

>>41475107
>what are you hoping for her to do?
I want to meet up with her. For sex, obviously, which is what we both were initially looking for, but also for more than that. Companionship, warmth, etc. I want to walk around with this cutie hanging off my arm and feel like a gigachad when people turn their heads to look at us.

If all that feels good then that will mean the chemistry is there.

>>41475112
he wasn't

>>41475202
He took all your and your friends money and ran, leaving you with the debts, but he's not a scammer?

>>41475107
>>41475189
Also adding she's got issues, but that makes me want to protect her and keep her safe. Meeting up would help me know if her issues are within my skillset to handle.

>>41469180
i quit my bipolar meds a week ago and now i made a post on this board looking for a chaser and im gonna hookup with them and lose my virginity

>>41475259
Any luck so far?

>>41475189
damn this made me blush for some reason
>>41475226
>Also adding she's got issues
what sorta issues?
>that makes me want to protect her and keep her safe.
thats so sweet omg

>>41475265
'tism and other assorted mental stuff. She's been very open about it which I appreciate. I think she was seeing if it'd scare me off, and it doesn't. I'm the type to bring a calm, anchor-like energy to situations so I think I can probably handle it. Recently even drove a friend of mine to the hospital while they were having a total psychotic breakdown and I genuinely don't think most people could have handled that, but it was no problem for me so whatever she's got should be a cakewalk.

>>41471770
100% valid as long as you don't say anything kek

>>41475225
its not like we never did anything together its not like we didnt have sex what scammer would have sex and date a gross tranny? he treated me like a woman too most of the time

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Im gay

>>41475390
The whole point of a scam is to make the target feel good

>>41475333
god I feel like my vision went blurry reading this thats so sexy, she seems a lot like you

>>41475402
he got less than 1k out of it after months of dating though

i am sexually normal in every way aside from not having turnoffs much. once i'm horny, i'm horny. and cute ftms should let me hit.

>>41475457
>she seems a lot like you
Just curious, how so?

>>41475516
i have bpd also

i half lost my virginity this week

>>41475593
Half?

>>41469626
I read all your posts here and all i can tell you is im rooting for you and your voice is really cute (though i cant responsibly affirm you on how well it passes when youre speaking in such a low tone unfortunately)

>not logging into disc because you know she still hasn't messaged you back

>>41475779
depends on if you see a BJ as full on sex

>>41475549
I had a similar conversation with her desu

>>41476888
giving or receiving?

>>41476894
Like you know who I'm talking about? Or did you mean your own girl?

>>41477453
giving

>>41477627
my own girl, she told me a story about helping someone with psychosis

its rare I find anyone who even knows what psychosis actually is let alone could handle themselves around it

I gave you everything and did everything for you and all you did was hurt me emotionally and verbally over and over in ways I begged you not to then even physically

I'll never trust anyone again because of you

Part of escaping this pit is acknowledging that I've been living a cope. I've been doing that thing where I try to pretend that nothing phases me, that I'm untouchable.

But it just isn't true. When you ghosted me with no warning I lost my ability to trust, and I went numb. Numb to everything, even what I was feeling about you being gone. I guess I had to; my subconscious was protecting me from the damage you'd done. I don't blame you for doing it, I agree I deserved it, but it still tore me up.

I finally let myself start feeling it lately and it runs a lot deeper than I realized. There's a hole in my core, that you put there when you did that. Like you set off an incendiary grenade in my chest.

And I realized why I was suppressing all this and pretending that I'm still a person.
The alternative is just accepting how meaningless everything really is.
But that's where I am now.

It's like trying to crank the engine when the battery's dead.
There's no spark. Nothing ignites. Nothing is fun or exciting.
I used to be able to tolerate it but lately it all just feels like it's only draining me more the more I try to force myself to engage with it. No, I'm not angry, or sad... or anything at all.
I just want to be alone with my nothing.

I'm empty. It's not your fault, it's mine. But fuck, I really don't know where to go from here. I've been lost this whole time even though I thought I knew the way, but I keep winding up right back where I started.

>>41478722
then find another symbiosis, geez

>>41478731
God no. Hard pass. I don't have anything to offer anyone, nor does anyone have anything to offer me.
I'm good with the current fake friendships and relationships I have. If anything I could do with less.
I just needed to blog my gay-ass feelings.

>>41478853
sounds like a way of coping
you know what i mean?
it's a cope. get it?

>>41478861
Probably true, and I'll burn that bridge when I get there.

>>41478867
burn that bringe by seeking love again? i hope that's what you meant

>>41469180
>blue archive
i hope you suffer, kindly.

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theres a trans woman I like and have talked to for a while and recently things have become sexual ( we talked like a year before they ever did ) and she seems to be really into it but her dysphoria is so bad that it ruins things for her even over the internet. makes me sad cus shes really cool but now theres sorta this ever present sexual tension between us that can never be resolved lmfao. im a cis guy so I dont really know what to do for her. ik its confession time not advice time but girls if you got anything for me i'm all ears.

>>41469180
I’ve decided that isolating myself is the best thing to do. I should be alone and have no one in my life. yes I am transitioning and if I get to a point where I pass or at least look attractive I’ll allow myself to become someone’s property

>>41479758
that's sad

>>41479787
How so?

>>41479814
don't pretend like you don't know

>>41479843
Let’s be fr. No normal person wants to be around a tranny that looks like a man. Let’s alone associated with one. Not even passoids.

That isn’t even covering the fact I’m a pervert. Some people assume I’m a predator based on my appearance alone. Some kids have even said I looked scary.
I’m going to isolate myself until I’ve been on hormones longer and have had ffs and don’t look chopped. There’s no place for me anywhere in society unless I conform

>>41479909
or you can walk with your frown like a sigma and get on that rat race grind. get loud like a boss

>>41479909
come on, why hold yourself back?

>>41480038
Cus I’m ugly and rapey

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>>41469180
I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years after I found out he was seeing his ex. I want to blame him for everything but I can't because it's my fault. I have really bad mental health and I was an emotional rollercoaster for so many years. I treated him worse than anyone in my life and I never realized how special he was. He gave me so much confidence and love and affection that I never experienced before in my life. Instead of reciprocating I constantly lashed out. I always thought that apologizing after was enough. He told me I should see someone, but I couldn't afford to or just didn't want to because of the amount of bad experiences I had in the past with Drs. I was never able to express myself very well, but I always made sure he had plenty of money, food, and a place to stay if he ever needed it. I could never get my words right, but acts of service were the one thing I was really good at, at least I thought. He was supposed to move in with me and my parents next week because we were going to start saving for our own place and paying down our debts. He couldn't afford to stay in his own apartment anymore because his roommate never paid. I went through his phone this morning trying to find his last Starbucks order so I could get us coffee to go car hunting again since he totaled his car last week and to grab some money out of my account so he could afford something more reliable. Instead found him and his ex sexting. I kicked him out, and found his smart watch later and couldn't help but read everything his friend told him today. She told him I was too toxic, and that he shouldn't be my emotional crutch and that she would've done the same. I just feel so overwhelmed because he was my world. I have no other friends. I fucked this up so badly and I don't even know where to begin to fix this. I don't feel like I'm fixable anymore. I know I deserve what happened I just wish I could back and have done better for him and for us. I'm so fucking stupid.

>>41480094
tell him about it
>>41480087
prove it then

>>41480119
Me before at 22 before transition

>>41480152
what is this supposed to prove?

>>41480119
Me a year and a half in and 11 months on hrt

>>41469180
im ashamed for being this agp but i want to fuck masculine men in the mouth so much. it turns me on so much. i could never do it irl because the apps scare me but aaahhhhh

>>41480166
yeah dox yourself, but what is that supposed to prove?

>>41480157
Literally looks like a rapist

>>41469180
I'm so lonely and I want a man so bad, but I'm not loyal. I don't deserve it.

>>41480201
I'd fuck you but I'm not normal so point proven I guess

>>41480157
Literally looks like a predator

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does anyone else like seeing male baby chickens get grinded alive in a meat grinder

>>41480239
I wish it was me

>>41480221
>>41480206
sounds like a psychosis
>>41480239
hello

>>41480254
I’m just gonna accept the fact transitioning won’t stop society from seeing me as a sexual predator

>>41480208
I'll be your man so long as you're a cute boymoder

>>41480338
Sorry, full time for a long time. Old and busted AND not loyal. I'm for the dumpster, handsome.

>>41480239
They're called CHICKS. Don't fucking try to rewrite grammar, wokey. It's not baby chickens. Say it like a real American like me: CHICKS.

I am so fucking sick of still caring this much
He doesn't care about me anymore
It's been too long for it to still be like this still

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I WANT TO BE A DRAG QUEEN

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>>41480239
But then they be getting all mad when someone does it to them.

>>41480523
Are you 100% sure?

>>41480678
I've tried, he full ghosted and forgot about me, there is nothing left

>>41480696
Ah. Been there. It's tough.
How long's it been for you? I think around 7 years for me.
They tell you you'll get over it, but you never really do.
It just gets smaller and easier to deal with as the years pass.

>>41469180
I just want an excuse to give up and die

>>41480710
3 and a half months
Okay maybe it hasn't been that long but it really feels like it has
I'm sorry it's been difficult and long for you too, I really need it to get easier soon because this is too much. It's not fair that he could just cut it all off like it was nothing and I'm left like this, legitimately makes me feel insane

>>41480094
Anon. The only way to learn is through pain and consequence. Nobody learns the easy way. You've done the pain and consequences part. Now you need to do the learning part. Pursue enough stability, through whatever dull means you can find stability, be it work, benefits, family, what have you. Get yourself signed up for any and all psychological help that's available for you.
And give up on your ex and move on immediately. He is in your past now. It will never be the same again. You must go on a journey of healing and self discovery right now. You must learn that love is conditional, and therefore how to communicate effectively and regulate your own emotions. You must deal with your trauma, attachment issues, learned helplessness, whatever it is that's got you stuck. This'll take maybe a couple of years. But on the other side of this? You'll be happier, stronger, and in a position where a relationship is no longer a place for you to just cope, but a place where you and your partner work together to build a future together. Talking from experience. It gets better. Good luck

>>41469180
the only way i think i am ever getting laid is if a woman rapes me. my brain can not rationalise anyone wanting to have sex with me. i hate myself because sometimes i hope that that happens.

My own best friend opened me to my bi side and its been nothing but great highs to deeps lows as every cute guy I build a relationship with finds someone they love over me including him. Half the time them come to me to talk about the guy they life, worst case being me encouraging one to hit on adude because it was obvious he wanted to and they got married lmao.
I preferred just being into women but o cant even meet them anyway because owning my business means I have no time to actually do stuff that has chcks. And the rare time I meet one and get we hit it off I have to cancel because the industry im in cant fucking function with all the people starting businesses with zero knowledge of marketing or finance and then I get blamed when they have stock for six months without even reaching out to me. I do t even have someone I can talk to about anything since anyone i care about i dont want them to take on my emotional baggage. So instead I get drunk and yell at people in vydia or flirt with retards on /soc. That doesn't help either so here i am doing basically the same thing while I wait for the booze to knock me out. I hate even typing this since it's basically just a bitchmade venting mechanism, im not even letting g off steam yelling myself sick. At least the business is falling, ot that I'll tell anyone who calls me friend. Ill probably just stop talking to them like I've done with ever other group I've had. This hasn't even helped, if I have to wait mo r e than 2 mounties to post this I wo t bother kek. Ah shit its actually two minutes, I hope i have a heart attack this week lmao, I keep adding so much butter and shit to my meals but if I get hospitalised now my parents are in a bad spot so I cant really do anything until they have a way out, then I take mine

>>41480750
You're already through the worst of it.
You may also find love again, when you're ready.
I imagine that'll help immensely.
I never found it, so I couldn't say for sure.

>>41480810
Damn buddy you have a lot on your shoulders. Hope you figure it out and find the right guy

>>41480810
Im sorry about your strife, I hope it gets better soon.

I'm in a good position
I'm self sabotaging
I'm at about 85%
If I course correct now things will be ok
I'm not sure what the threshold is for another complete life ruination
I don't know what the correct order of actions is tonight in order to excel this week
I did knock out 18/21 things on my to do list the other day
The deadline on the last 3 has not reached me yet
This week, seems to be a slow week of upcoming obligations
It's late
If I try now, I will exhaust myself for tomorrow
Maybe an hour of work before bed is ok
I need to keep my eye on the prize
Life is going to be ok
I must remember this
I don't care that I'm years away from affording FFS with my current trajectory, I'm making some really obscure gains
I have to keep going
I have to keep going
There are still futures that turn out happy
The present is happy
I can't let myself get existential and start self sabotaging at the first sign of safety
I think of the battery hen
I keep thinking of the battery hen
The moment they're freed, they've never seen what the world looks like
They freak out and go back in the cage
I can't go back in the cage again
I'm so close

>>41470215
I'm fucking stupid, I didn't ask and now I might not get the chance to

>>41476383
thank you for being kind
i can attest though even if i speak louder it doesn’t pass
it’s not good enough for him
i hate myself so much
i wish i was real

>>41480915
Basically all I have to do is just get out of the funk I'm in about gender tonight that's not about gender and is really just procrastination, and do something positive. Because I'm doing really well. And this week has been nice and the coming week will be nice. I just got caught in a loop tonight and ive been resting a bit this week. That's all. It's ok. I'm enough even when I rest sometimes. It hasn't all been rest too. But it'd be ok if it was.

I wonder if there's anyone who I literally don't even know who fantasizes about me like that anon does. I think that would be creepy

I'm a bit lost as to what to do after detrooning into basically an emo guy who still looks like a chick

>>41481089
I was saying that it does pass to my ears, but that its difficult to give proper judgment when the person is whispering. I understand your feelings since it unfortunately usually just comes packaged with being a tranny in the first place but i believe the love youre experiencing is one far more beautiful and intense than a cis women could ever get
Since its a confession thread i have to admit that in some ways im envious of the situation youve described considering my relationship has been kind of awful recently and i just miss that feeling of willingness to go so far for someone

>>41481143
Do you like men? Lots of guys are into that

>>41481114
The fact that you cant grasp that if you are in the spot light at any given time it will create a fallowing like that is sad to me.

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i am going to explode.
i know i should say something but i can't
even now i can't interrupt
i just have to watch and pretend i'm ok with it
i have to pretend it isn't real when i talk to you and compartmentalize it but once that's done it hits me again
it feels so wrong to feel this way don't you deserve someone that's just your friend? or rather friends aren't supposed to turn into this
i wish id just given into your advances early on and i wish i hadn't repressed what i felt which was true love
all those nudes we sent each other and everything we send each other now like what are we?
i wish you'd just admit it too but no i'll have to chase other people i couldn't possible care about just to look like i'm not attached to you at the hip
you are my everything and i wish you could be my forever
not in some imbalanced possessive way but as equals, which we always were
you know when i'm lying you know me so well
just call me out on this once
if you'd seen how i was looking up at you in the perfume store i could never hide it again

>>41481167
I get the parasocial thing, its creepy and too many content creators lean into it. I'm just teasing that anon because they really need to fucking get over it and try to find something real.

>>41481153
it’s true my feelings are very intense, but I don’t know if they are beautiful really…

im sorry to hear your relationship has not been good : ( i hope you can communicate with them and get things to be better or find someone else, you can do it anon

>>41481202
Fair.

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>>41481114
>>41481167
>>41481202

i don’t wanna be creepy and i dont like being like this but i can’t stop
my heart wants him so bad
i just want to make him happy
i just want to be there for him so hes not alone
i hate that im like this
im probably just going to hide my feelings because i dont want to creep him out
and i dont want to ruin things
the parts of my day i look forward to the most is texting him and hearing his voice in vc
it’s so stupid

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>>41469180
I am a total tourist on this board and I'm only here because someone I was friends with on Steam (who has an overlap with /tttt/ culture) almost ten years ago has entered my consciousness and hasn't left since 2022. This time it's particularly bad.

Maybe it's clinging onto the scraps of relatability I have stored in my memory. Everyone I'm surrounded by now is normal. I've eschewed online communities and video games and significantly improved my life yet I still haven't opened myself up to being myself or having friends that really get me.

I remember I really wanted to be like this person. I thought they were so cool and just knew so much. I was still in school at the time and I even remember showing up to school wearing some of the things they brought up like types of hats and shoes. No I wasn't being groomed, I bought all the stuff myself because I thought it was cool myself.

Maybe it was the unabashed decision of theirs to really be themselves that I'm clinging on to. It just felt (and feels, as I continue to stalk their socials unhealthily) so liberating. I mean, it's like they were unstoppable. They really put themselves out there and didn't hide anything. And it felt like everything they shared was unique, new, and interesting. Maybe I feel like I'm living a double life with my normal ass circle of colleagues and lack of meaningful connection and that's why this coming back up.

I know I could reach out, but I know it would be unhealthy and one sided. They aren't in the best place themselves either, and it's why I ended up cutting it off.

I just need to find something to distract myself...

>>41481251
You don't need to hide a damn thing, just ignore it and move on, It is what it is, it was what it was, and its a common used tactic. I was studying it this time, now that i knew about it. Just, i already said, i don't save people anymore. So good luck anon, more power to'yea

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>>41481231
You treat your love for him selflessly which imo makes it beautiful considering that romantic love is inherently a pretty selfish thing
Thanks you too for the nice words, sorry that i made it about myself at the end im just going through some stuff lately and your first post touched me a bit because i remembered its how i used to feel, before things got like this

>>41481280
i can’t ignore my love for him
i cant do it
hes what keeps me going…

>>41481354
what do you mean selflessly? my feelings for him feel selfish and creepy and awful so i dont understand…

don’t apologize, this is an image board you can talk about whatever you want, and im here as im sure others are to listen to your pain, its going to be ok

im sorry my posts maybe made you sad or reminded you of different times…i hope things get better for you, you seem like a sweet kind person

>>41481374
You could get under someone else you know. That's always an option

>>41469180
i wana go from mtf so fucking bad but i cant because everyone in my life will hate me :[

>>41481451
wat do you mean under someone else? like love someone else?

>all the trannies have already been burned and I will never get to love them

>>41469180
I think my social anxiety is actually paranoia. I dont think normal people worry about whether the people they just met are actually other people in disguise orchestrating the whole thing to humiliate you or whether they tried to give you food laced with poison or drugs that are going to make you do something embarassing or get in trouble with the law. I dont really believe it but the thoughts are always there swirling around. I want to try and get help for this but Im afraid to talk about this with doctors and I dont want to take antipsychotics because they make me gain weight and have horrible side effects, and also they shut off parts of my mind that honestly they are definitely supposed to shut off but I miss those parts when they are gone. All these things should probably have made it really obvious to me that Im insane but youd be surprised at the things Im too dumb to work out

>>41481387
I thought about it in the sense that whatever your wishes for how you would like to be with him are, you dont seem to have done anything except try your best to make him feel good/happy and communicate to him how he influences you positively. When i was in your position a couple of years ago i could not keep it to myself and stupidly told him how i felt at some point and it estranged our friendship for a while until i ended up moving on
Thanks again and dont worry i just got a little too much in my feelings tonight while drunk usually i only lurk on this board but your posts spoke to me a bit. Please remember that no matter how much it hurts while youre pining for somebody this way it wont truly be significant long term unless it gives birth to a proper relationship

>>41481485
Like sleep around, If you do in fact have a penis, i'm told yeah, you guys can do that, and it works MOST of the time.

>>41481558
>tried to give you food laced with poison or drugs that are going to make you do something embarrassing or get in trouble with the law.

And here i just worried about allergies. :/

>>41481566
This.

>>41472268
i swear youre talkin about me. describe the arm, the color, the shape.

Been taking hrt slowly for a year and haven't fully committed to the life style. I'm probably gonna troon out at some point because my body's too weird looking to pull off being with regular women but who knows. Honestly, I genuinely believe I'm a porn addict but I'm too lazy to give up the thought of being a tranny because for some reason I just find trannies sexier than regular women now so, really I'm fucked but oh well. Honestly I'm tired of regressing at this point, plus my ass and tits are starting to get soft and fat and I like it like this anyway.

>>41481748
What are your favorite bad habits? I love messing with my sleep schedule, gas station food and full sugar Monster energy drinks

>>41481387
i think u and i both have to be just a bit selfish to make anything happen
after all if u never say anything nothing ever happens

>>41481706
did you send a picture of the tattoo on your arm?

it was very pretty…
it is so so so unlikely that it’s you, but if it is…im sorry if my posts have creeped you out and im sorry if ive came off too strong in the discord chat
im sorry that im this way
im sorry

>>41481662
allergies would probably suck too, at least Im used to being crazy, better the devil you know and all

>>41481611
im a khhv and sex scares me, that’s the last thing i want to do is to fool around with strangers in folly

it wont fill the deep hole in my heart
i wont lie, i wouldnt mind cuddling with someone while they groped me
but i want it to be someone i care about and who cares about me and makes me feel safe…i want it to be with him…

>>41481813
Fair, I guess as everyone should..

>>41481784
ah, i do not have tattoos no. i have a very muscular defined arm and body, but no tattoos. i know of a girl who's been interested in me for a while, so i assumed that was you.

It really isn't fair
I told her I was really delayed and never experienced love or even mutual attraction before
She said it was okay and she didn't care and that she had delays in other ways too so she could understand
So why did she do all that with me and make so many plans and be so intimate and vulnerable only to completely cut contact with 0 explanation
It's cruel
And that should mean I should stop wanting her and break the useless lingering mental attachment but I can't
This fucking sucks
It was all so much easier before her

>>41481913
oh…ok…
i hope you find the girl you are looking for…you sound sweet and nice so im sure it’ll work out…

>>41481965
thanks. where are you from anon?

>>41481961
Fucking terrified of this

>>41481961
Im sorry, but i really desperately Want/Need to understand your logic.
>It really isn't fair
What could possibly "make" it fair? if said individual just realized that you are lord and master then secretly starts to hate you??
>She said it was okay and she didn't care and that she had delays in other ways too so she could understand
Did this conversation take phyical place? as in, where you guys talking face to face? where did this conversation take place? You are aware that some folks just use the internet as a dumping ground for emotions they have no control over that must be removed right? Haven't you seen? we have literal schizophrenic people in here.
>This fucking sucks
Tell me anon, how could individual make it not suck? what could possibly be done to make it better, where is "she" in her head that you can read that "she" could remotely make this better?

>>41481961
When she pushes you in to opening up and lowering your guard saying that she understands only for her to end up using you and throwing you away

I wash my cloths in a bathtub full of boiling water and detergent because my washing machine broke. Seems to do the job, after a few spins. I've been a chef my whole adult life so I can spin it myself after a few minutes of cooling. Heat resistant hands.

>>41482085
Based. Nice resourcefulness. You are an unstoppable force.

>>41482051
This is a very strange reply. I think you have done some things and are having a reaction based on that
>>41482071
Yeah
But like at the same time I know where it comes from, because while it didn't last and ended confusingly, it was still real, I know her. I don't even blame her. She needed that vulnerability and connection really bad. She just couldn't keep holding it. Maybe I'm too empathetic

>>41482071
You can get women to hate women all you want, you just break people. An Meh, that shit oozes out of you, so no need to correct it in here. IRL has a way of weeding shit like that out.

>>41482085
>BEHIND
Waddup kitchen nigga. Best back of the house story? Mine is some dude came back for a single wing in his 10pc. We gave it to him wrapped in foil. Usually we give an apology and a free dessert when we mess up but the head chef was like nah fuck this guy. Gave him his wing and he took off

>>41482149
to elaborate: we forgot the 1 wing. He drove back for it.

>>41482122
You're a kinder person than I am. I don't have a single good thing to say about my ex

I want to make more friends but I'm deathly afraid of putting myself out there.
I'm scared of getting hacked/having my stuff leaked if I add people on discord or social media

>>41482122
Well i have some folks whom feel i belong to them. Despite being single for a really long time now, they lie about stuff, then i get little lapses of people who are going to "defend" the damsel in distress, but i really do just avoid my stalkers, hell some where in my computer about an hour ago. So Yeah, i want to know, when i get the slightest HINT of dislike or repulsion in my direction, then i just completely drop it, the mistake was mine, i went passed the mark and i give them their space, never to tell anyone, what they did or what i did ever again, Their a great person, and i was foolish, we move on. But my stalkers, really really REALLY cant leave me alone. So i really want to understand where does that ownership of a whole ass other human being comes from.

>>41482051
Im not schizophrenic there are other things that can cause that

>>41482193
Idk, im just asking, I really really REALLY want to know, how can someone avoiding you for a good 18 years warrant any kind of stalking? Or going out of your way to intimidate the people they are talking to? Like what is that??

>>41482216
sorry Im not that person Im the person I assume you were referring to when you said there are literal schizophrenic people in here

>>41469180
28, repping, have been told by women I look like a clocky tranny, only biwomen, men, and trannies like me. I don't think I'll ever have enough money to get ffs which I need badly to pass as I am a browbone/chin/jaw width hon. Contemplating putting a mask on, and making femboy content to make some money, my eye area is extremely feminine, and my most attractive area... I have beautiful long hair... I've already made edits to my selfies to see if it could work, and I think it could. I look like a woman from the bellybutton down with a fat ass, etc.

>>41482163
See the fucked up part is I can't even call her an ex
It was a few months of talking intimately with feelings but we didn't commit or define it
So this shit is way more overblown than it should be
I just have no experience, I have no reference for how these things go
It's all a bit pathetic I guess
Didn't start as limerence but that's how it ended

>>41482247
Oh, damn, i really want to know what the hell goes on in the mind of a real stalker, Why do they do that to people? Then in all the stories and history and studies, it just implies ownership over a whole ass other person. I really want to know how someone's mind gets there.

>>41482276
Feelings are feelings, no matter how short or what the relationship. You're not pathetic for having them
And fwiw I'm not sure if I can call her my ex either as I was just the boyfriend stand in side piece

>>41482276
Does "she" even know what you say or why you say it. Did you in fact at ANY POINT so much as just send a real true to life email? I've been in overt relationships before, but verification at SOME point was mandatory. Like for real.

>>41482019
stupid north eastern USA in red state
i hate it here so much

>>41482328
Then ive gotten into real digital fights before, so i cant run on spam, that's basic stuff right there, there NEEDS to be a face to face at some point. even if its just for five minutes, something to show a place of true real contact

>>41481566
i do try and focus on what makes him happy and how to make him happy
it’s what is most important to me…
it’s one of the reasons i buy him gifts anonymously, it’s stuff he really wants and when he gets it he just seems so happy and it makes me happy
i bought him a microphone he has been wanting for two years and he seemed so happy and proud to show it off
making him happy makes me so happy
it’s pathetic

i can only hope and pray that something happens lest my heart stay pining and in pain forever and ever

im sorry you got a case of the feels tonight, i hope you feel better anon i really do. i know you’re gonna make it

Man, confess/gioyc threads really attract projecting schizos like no other

:o no fucking way, it went red.

I have a sinking feeling in my chest like absolute despair and terror ever since posting in this thread. I thought it would make me feel better lol

>>41469626
I really wish I had someone that would care and believe in me like you do with your crush. I used to be the only one that believed in me, but for the last couple of years, even that's not been the case. I have no one in my life right now, zero friends and my parents are gone. If I died this night, no one would care, except maybe for the authorities who'd have to deal with my corpse. :(

>>41483997
don’t say that anon…im sure more people care about you than you know
i care about you, i dont want anything to happen to you
i want you to be happy

don’t give up please
things will get better
keep going, for future you
i promise you’ll be happy

>>41482365
Id be a little bit wary with spending money on someone like this because if things ever go in a bad direction it could add very heavily to the regret
Dont keep yourself suffering forever though, you have to make a move at one point because as much self hatred as you may have you will get worn down one day watching him from afar while his life moves forward and once that happens if you hadnt even attempted to get closer to him it will be too late

>>41482273
might as well get on hormones and manmode atp

i am thoroughly convinced that trannies aren't ensouled or they are truly demon possessed and one of the easiest proofs that God actually exists.

if I was a cis woman id be the most hardcore terf this world has ever seen

I'll never admit that I want you back even after everything you did

>>41486316
Would you be willing to share your theological thought process on this? I'm interested in this

I have a crush on one of my best friends but I am afraid ruining our friendship because of that

I don't want to be alone

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>>41486316
their is souls in some of them for sure.
and the demon daemons they have are a real thing thats hidden, but you can pick up on it.

>>41487067
Talk about it with them before it gets worse

Miss you M. Hope you're good.

>>41482823
why what was your post

>>41489581
the one about anxiety/paranoia

>>41482330
are you still in the thread anon

I can't decide between wanting to take a cute nerdy trans girl (that's not terminally online) on a nice date where I treat her well or finding a cis woman to do the same with except I may marry her and impregnate her. I feel like I get along with tgirls better because they know what's up but I also want to extend my bloodline. Plus there's no public shaming that comes with a cithet relationship. Fuck this gay earth :(

>>41491515
I mean do you like cis women? Not find them attractive, but like being with them and interacting with them?

>>41491742
My romantic interest lies heavily with cis women but there's a certain charm to a somewhat more subdued trans chick that I find rather endearing. Plus I think pussy is really gross.

>>41491946
I mean if you find pussy gross I think that says it all right there

>>41489604
I think it might have actually helped a little eventually just because once I actually put that stuff into words it definitely sounded more ridiculous than in my head where it was like something that I had to try and talk myself out of like its debatable. I often feel like people are spying on me online, sometimes its specific people from my life sometimes its just a nebulous somebody. Sometimes I feel like they are just following me around to the different websites and places I go to, sometimes I feel like they are reading my browsing history or posting history somehow, sometimes I feel like they are watching my screen with some kind of software or reaading everything I type with a keylogger. Sometimes its like they are all watching and laughing at me and other times its more like they are gathering information on my for some nefarious purpose like humiliating me or getting me locked up. I have absolutely no reason to believe any of these things. I dont think I really say or do anything online that would get me locked up or humiliated. None of these people have any reason to do those things. Pretty much none of them have ever been anything other than nice and friendly to me and half of them I havent talked to or seen in so long they probably dont even remember who I am let alone care what I do or say. So its not hard to talk myself out of these ideas but they keep coming back and they definitely affect my behavior. Ill talk myself out of that and then all of a suden Ill see a post here that I feel like is about me for no particularly good reaason and it must have been written by one of these people and have to start talking myself out of that. That was cathartic anyway

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>>41469180
I cannot fall asleep unless I image I’m being held by a man or laying on his chest and it makes me feel so pathetic and lonely.

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i can feel you practically begging me to be in your life again. i smell regret on your breath. you dont want to date me, but you miss my presence.

too fucking bad. you'll never get either anyway, ever.

i wish i never opened up to you so i could hurt you as bad as everyone else.

i squirm with glee when i hear that you're suicidal or unwell.

i look forward to the day i get a phone call or text message from one of your parents saying you finally did it. maybe then i'll forgive you.

i've been doing amazing. two girlfriends both of which are like me, both entertaining enough to sate my every temptation.

i couldn't stop laughing when i found out you became a whore

lmfao.

the next time you're doing drugs or getting drunk and decide you wanna tumble my way, because i know you'll see this, remember that you will forever get responses which are of no substance.

the connection we had, undeniably intoxicating while it lasted, is dead.

have fun talking to the wall retard

>>41492292
Need to cuddle a pathetic lonely boymoder to sleep

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>>41492355
I haven’t boymoded in years. I need a man who wants to cuddle a pathetic lonely girlmoder to sleep baka my head

>>41469180
i regret getting an orchi bc i cant detrans during manic episodes anymore

>>41492417
I'm not really sure how girlmoders end up lonely and pathetic

I haven't showered in probably a month

I haven't posted here in a decade. I met someone really nice online, played some games for a bit (no vc) and chatted in the same server always being very happy to see each other. We slowly started DMing a little here and there, as friends. They didn't really present as any gender, but was an incredibly nice person and we vibed a lot. They knew I was trans and reached out one time to ask if we could talk about something related to that. I was very up for it, thought maybe it was related to exploring what it meant to be nonbinary. Instead we ended up having an incredibly long and raw conversation where she came to terms with being a trans girl. Several days long conversation, we shared both our life stories, it's stunning how clearly we mirror each other. Part of my life story included this place so I came back to see what it was like. Sucks even more than I remember. We live in different countries, but close enough to be able to visit each other often, we have already planned to. I feel like I have developed feelings for her, but I don't know if we're right for each other and long distance sucks ass. It feels like we have the potential to be best friends for the rest of our lives so I don't wanna fuck that up. Still I really just feel this intense need to show her just how much love she deserves. Feeling conflicted.

Past few months I've been like a blossoming femboy. Mostly just crossdressing and stuff. I don't really know where to take it from here. Doing it is a weird mix of awesome and uncomfortable. I enjoy doing it but idk there's something in the back of my head that says it's bad. I'd like to go out with crossdressing sometime and my gf would be into it but I just don't have the guts.

>>41469180
i still feel nothing at all
its going to really hurt in a few days when it finally hits me but right now i dont have a care in the world

I feel trapped in my relationship with my mtf girlfriend, she’s low income and was kicked out of her house so if I break up with her she’d be homeless and the thought of doing that to her breaks my heart in half. The spark isn’t there anymore, and worse than that I feel like being with her forces me to play into masculine tropes. She’s expressed how she finds it ugly when I act or do feminine things. I’ve been taking hrt (bought online I’m not stealing hers) for a month now and I don’t know what’s gonna happen when I tell her. I doubt she’d be able to love me if she saw me as a woman. Honestly I don’t want to be seen as a woman just a androdgynous fem nonbinary I literally do not care about being referred to as male in most aspects of life I just like being soft and curvy and it’s working well so far but like I’m probably not a full tranny just a nonbinary gender anomaly freak. Anyways I don’t want to tell her because even if she wanted to leave it’s not like she could. But if she embraced me (the way she’s talked to me with disgust when I try to even suggest I may be a certain way suggest others) I think it could save our sex life and make things better. Maybe there’s a chance things work out. Fuck this economy. Fuck this transphobic world. I wish I could live selfishly and freely but I am burdened by my need to help her. But I love her. I just feel trapped

>>41469180
i had a dream about her talking to me again

why wont it stop?? shes never going to unblock me, i just need to move on, but every single time i see someone who looks vaguely like her she just comes back

>>41469180
My best friend became trans, I fell in love with her, and now she hates me.
She doesn’t know that I am too I was just a coward when I knew her but I’m on hrt now. The depressive meltdown from her blocking me was the push to make me start. But she won’t know that, she’ll just see me as a perverted male pig.

>>41469180

Hi. I'm thinking about you a lot tonight. I know you shouldn't have any space on my mind, but I do still end up coming here.

I've been going to therapy and psychiatric consultations more, and that has led me to better understand that a lot of the responses I showed to you were due to trauma caused by many people around me.
Unfortunately, you're also responsible for a non-insignificant part of it. I hope you can understand that I never wanted you to be.
I still have to take medication for my heart after what you made happen.

Part of me really wishes I had BPD or something; then you'd probably have more of a justification to treat me how you did. Unfortunately for everyone (including me, because I still don't want to say mean things to you), I'm somehow still a victim in this. You probably understand that I dislike being in a position where I'm powerless in the face of something bad happening to me like this, so I hope you can see that I don't say this out of a want to victimize myself; but rather because I can't run away from the truth. I wish I wasn't in this position.

Despite my reactions not being aggresive towards you, I see that they made you feel guilt. I can only tell you that I never meant to guilt you over anything; but I think the fact that you felt guilted regardless shows that you do realize that what you did to me was wrong.
I really loved you. I believed in you when no one else did. I still do, in spite of everything.
I hope you're well.

I'm glad you could muster a reply to me at all, after time passed.
I wish I didn't feel the need to type out my emotions still. I'll always forgive you, but my body will unfortunately never let me forget what happened. It haunts me a lot, and it probably always will. I'm sorry.

Back when I told you I should leave, I only stayed because you asked. It was going to be forever. I lost my conviction when I saw you ask for me to not make it forever.

I'll shine so bright you can't pretend I don't exist.

to C

I wrote a song about my feelings towards you. When I practice I will play it sometimes, usually refraining from singing the lyrics because they are so transparently about you I know it would make my girlfriend (who's usually home also) feel insecure and upset. She's overheard the melody enough times at this point to sometimes hum it to herself, because she is ignorant of the personal meaning I have attached to the music she hears me play at the piano. When she does that I find it funny in an ironic, sad way that I have trouble putting into words.

I'm glad you're on T now because I imagine it's making you happier. I wish I could ask you about what it was like, what you were feeling etc, but you seem more self conscious about talking about yourself or your thoughts in the same way you used to. I miss when you sent me walls of text because even when they were too long, or you were perseverating on something silly or pointless, it still felt better than not hearing from you, and you doing that made me feel less self conscious about my own tendency to multi-message you.

I always call them "my feelings towards you" because I'm embarrassed to say that I'm in love with someone I've never actually met in person. It feels juvenile, or like I'm those boomers who are "in love" with their thai brides they marry over a zoom call through the state of Utah.

I do love you though, and I miss hearing you laugh. When T changes your voice from what it used to be to something more typically male I will miss the awkward, squawking way you used to laugh at stuff that you found funny, or me teasing you. I wish I still had time to invest in our hobby, or could come up with more interesting things to talk to you about. The best I've been able to do lately it try to say things that are funny or disarming to distract myself from my impulse to call you cute and tell you I still love you.

Please send me voice messages again. I miss you.

>>41470909
I think it's you but I can't know for sure

>>41495966
>I think it's you but I can't know for sure
Would you want to know if it was?

>>41496004
Yes

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>>41496087
It's not

>>41496100
lmao

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While I'm sexually attracted to men as well as women, my romantic interests as of late have been exclusively directed towards women, which makes me think, functionally I might as well be straight.

i hate that porn has rotted my brain and that I cant figure if I am actually trans or genderfluid. plus Autism and home life makes things difficult so I just wish I moved on and I am eventually and go back to the stupid cis normie shit I do.

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>>41469180
i don't know how to care about people. it feels like forever ago i pretended not to care because i was scared of letting someone in after being hurt so bad but somewhere along the way i met person after person and came to the conclusion that i was just incompatible with everyone. i wanted more than anything to find someone to prove me wrong but it feels like ive just given up. i dont think that a person that deserves to be let in exists. i think theres just fundamentally something wrong with me that makes people hurt me.

i stated taking t because i'm a pervert into biohacking and i wanted to grow my clit and now i feel addicted to it. i love how it makes me feel human for once in my life. i can do physical stuff all day and come home and still have energy, and i won't be sore the next day. i get horny regularly and actually desire touching real people sexually. it's good to feel stronger, full of vitality and potential. but i'm not trans. i don't mind my voice dropping, i actually kind of like it. i hated my voice before and t has given me a nice range. i love that my clit is growing. i wish i could isolate these two effects and be a girl with a tdick. but i don't want to be a man. i hate men. i don't want to be trans. i want to be a girl with a cool voice and a small dick. i don't want to stop taking t. i don't know what this means for me and it scares and confuses me. i feel like i have a dirty secret. what would i even tell people? that i'm kind of transsexual but only because i'm a perverted freak?

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>>41469180
I've been seeing Drs for months about this constant UTI and they put a camera in my pee hole. They said I'm at risk for bladder cancer and I have to come back..I'm kinda just scared and tired.
every aspect of being 22 has sucked and life just blowsss

>>41496740
anon learn to understand men I think you will like them more than not

>>41496774
i've been friends with men, have dated them, and was surrounded by them my whole life until recently. they're scum. if you're not a man, don't conform to their ideas of femininity, or you don't want to let them stick their dick in your holes they leave you for dead. they're synonymous with danger. they're barely sentient. i used to appreciate them for what they are but after dealing with men for so long i have zero respect left for them.

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I used to be terribly in love with a girl I met on here but I cut her off because I had a really bad savior complex and she had that kind of depression that is soul-sucking, voidlike. Literally inconsolable all the time, didn't see me the same way and generally was fundamentally incompatible with the lifestyle I wanted to live. We were supposed to meet up because she came to my state but it never happened (got a gf who wanted her gone, so I blocked her).

I don't miss her but I think about her all the time and I wonder if that's just as bad. I sometimes imagine what life would be like for us if she had the capacity or the desire to allow me in, to touch her, to hold her like I always wanted. It's not something I truly want, I love my girlfriend so much and I'm so much happier with where I am right now but I find myself thinking about the what ifs all the fucking time.

What if we met and I hugged her and she realized how warm and cuddly and comforting my presence could be for her? What if we met and I held her hand and she realized that my touch could actually make her heart skip a beat? What if we met and she finally could recognize, just from the way I look at her, that I would've done literally anything to make her happy? That I would take care of her. Sometimes I fantasize about her missing me, fawning over me, basically just being 'the one who got away' for her. What makes this pathetic is that she doesn't give a shit about any of that and never has, she'd prefer to throw away her self-respect by dating people who she knows aren't the right fit purely out of convenience

I get so pissed and repulsed thinking about her but I know it's just my ego still feeling bruised from the rejection. My gf is fucking dope and very supportive. It's a different type of hurt when you try so hard to be the shining whiteknight and you realize that you aren't owed shit just for being nice to someone kek

>>41469180
my doctors want me to medically detrans due to a medical condition but im still diying enanthate behind their back...

>>41497067
based
fuck em