feeling lost and defeatedmaybe there was a woman down there somewhere under the two decades of manhood but it doesn't matter nowi keep having intrusive thoughts to thrash things around. like hurl a glass cup at a wall or something. i am so angry that i’m broken enough that i can’t do what needs to be done to be fixed. i don’t understand. i want so desperately to be able to put my thoughts in motion, but i feel like a passenger in my own body. i’ve just been doing exactly the same thing as i’ve been doing my entire life. nothing.i don’t work. it doesn’t work. my life doesn’t work. my body is wrong. my voice is wrong. i can’t think straight. i can’t talk straight. i don’t mesh with anyone. i don’t mesh with the people who are supposed to be my friends, who i’ve known since high school. i don’t mesh with people that i’ve met online that i was in friendships with for a long time, simply because i stopped talking to them. i stopped respecting their message and so naturally they have messaged me less and less over the the years. i am the problem. i am the cause for all my problems. i hate myself because i can’t help myself to get better. and i have this fucking ego problem that prevents me from accepting help from other people. so what is there left to do but die? what is there left to do? there’s nothing. there is only masturbatorily delaying the inevitable.i wish i wouldn't dissociate (or be depressed or anxious or risk-avoidant or whatever the fuck is wrong with me) for another instant. if i could get myself to do anything important, it would be to rope. but i know things will stay the same, because i've been down this road before. i will likely go down it again. how much longer? a week? a month? 5 years? i wish my life would come to a grinding halt, but i can't seem to find the brake lever. i may rot in my mother's metaphorical basement until i die. maybe i deserve it for all the opportunities i've passed up; to die a slow and agonizing death of my own making.
Just start hrtIt gets better
>>41492601Take HRT
