>>41497468
sucks doesnt it? to realise that there was never anything to uncover, you were never going to figure it out and become the "real person" buried underneath, there is no real person there. just the emptiness you had since childhood, and now after years of wasted time chasing after a fantasy you are left with less than nothing, faced with the reality of being forgotten having never experienced a real life. becoming old and being nothing for decades or suicide are the only choices.

>>41497468
Just do the best for yourself and those around you, it's all we can do. That and never troon, that's the main thing, be yourself.

>>41497468
Identity is a relation. You are not your reflection, the reflection is a reflected (flipped) image of your body. You are not your identity, the identity is a relation between you and some object chosen to represent you. A lack of an identity is in itself an identity, or a relation between you and what you identify by identity (gender, sexuality etc.)

>>41497570
this hurts to read but this is the trvth about repressing and trooning after your formative years - there is no “girl” version of yourself deep inside that you finally are able to let out. there never was. that person doesn’t exist because they never had a chance to. only the void that their personality would have filled remains. transitioning is about filling that void with a real personality now that you’re actually, fully alive and have the chance to.

>>41497570
It really does suck. It all just feels so dreary to have spent so much time and put in so much effort, all in the hopes that it will one day all be worth it, and that I'd come to actually feel alive, but no matter what, I always return back to square one. I really want to believe that I've at least learned something from all of this, but I can't help but feel like it was all for naught.
There will never come a day where I won't feel utterly hollow and despondent.
It's hard for me to even believe that other people actually feel differently, but their attitudes and actions speak tell me otherwise. Maybe all of this is just my fault. Maybe I just don't have what it takes to be human. Damned from the beginning. Or maybe this is just a culmination of thousands of small mistakes.

>>41497468
Are you me?

>>41497468
Wow literally me and why i opened this board just now

>>41497468

Try dancing.

https://youtu.be/9Xz4NV0zsbY

>>41497961
No. I'm sorry you have to deal with this as well, and hope life has been at least a bit kind to you

>>41497468
this reads like your dopamine stores are 0 and you are depressed, searching for an identity is fruitless because you can't form an ego without fixing your utter black pill despair, a person in pain acts differently than a person who feels good, both in the physical and metaphor sense, psychedelics worked for me

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>>41497657
wow incredible wiseposting hours
gonna go use this to understand things about stuff, thanks anon

>>41497657
This by itself is barely helpful. I know I've had multiple similar "epiphanies" about how transient and reflective of our environments our identities are, but that still won't help me find fulfillment nor meaning. I was never able to find any object which would represent my self because I never felt like I had a self to begin with. And lacking an identity, lacking something you can find yourself in is not liberating in the slightest

>>41498083
If you already know it you would apply it and if you can't apply it then you don't know it

>>41498098
What are referring to with "it"? I quite obviously don't know "it", because I have no clue how to even apply "it" and actually improve my bleak life. I've tried so much to find an "it" through countless means, but only ever felt as if I'm just slowly decaying with every step I take

>>41498125
Why are you replying to me specifically?

>>41498135
What you replied caught my interest I guess. Do you expect a specific answer?

>>41497683
if only transitionig could ahve helped
but it too is a fake act of nothingness
a cope
doing it not bey some virtue of accepting reality but to cope with emptiness
there was never anything.
and there is nothing after it
because doing it was empty
my transition is a failure because its not real, it is but an empty cope, in reality im nothing but what i always was, not some hidden real me.
and what i am is empty
it hurts

>>41498154
I wasn't trying to solve your problem I was just responding to specific things in your post that you assume are problems, like seeing your reflection and not seeing yourself, that's only rational. Being repulsed by many contemporary identity categories, that is also rational. As for a sense of self, I would look at what sets off visceral reactions in you and use that as a guide. If you don't have something like that you may be actually a deficiency of some kind or just not been exposed to enough varied experience to know.

>>41498005
I'm certainly depressed, and I've been like this for as long as I can really remember. Even in the best periods of my life, there was still a gnawing emptiness eating away at me at every moment. Nothing I've ever tried has every improved it, only distracted me from it at most.
I've also tried psychedelics, both shrooms and acid, but they haven't helped me either. The dosages weren't all too high though, and I do intend to try them again, in hopes it'll make just lead to ego death

>>41498205
I guess I can see how feeling a certain estrangement to one's own reflection or from many identity categories can be considered rational, but that doesn't change the fact that said estrangement is an overbearing burden in my life. I feel like I'm carrying a corpse and navigating social situation as a faceless entity just feels uncanny. I've also tried my best to expose myself to as many varied experiences as a I could, and it would be a lie to say that some of them didn't actually feel worth my time, but all in all it has always felt draining to simply exist, no matter the momentary enjoyment. That doesn't really leave me with many other options but to keep trying without abandon, so I guess I'll just keep trudging forward aimlessly. Thanks for the advice though

>>41497683
How would transitioning fill that void, if the void is my single defining trait? Attempting to fill the void with another personality will just be performative, and I really doubt that anything would ever feel authentic. There never was a "girl", so why would there be one now?

>>41498299
It is a burden and most of it we can't control. Can't change the categories in social situations so I avoid them. I do enough to sustain a career and leave everything else to others. That is the route I prefer. Some people like to be really engaged and sociable but that comes with its own set of problems like being exposed to too much of other's issues and losing touch with yourself that way. No matter what you have to compromise and deal with it. Can life ever truly be an effortless joyful ride, or is that just a marketable image some people learned to buy and sell while pushing off the problems on others? Whenever things get unbearable you have to get selfish and assertive in one way or another and that's where you'd find it.

>>41498183
Same goes for me. Tried transitioning, but deep down I always knew it was just a cope, so I detransed before the effects became too apparent. I guess that means I was never trans to begin with, but it still deeply hurts to know that not even this helped in the slightest. I just wanted to have an identity

"I" love everyone in this thread
Even if my heart is black and hollow
There is no self, it is a recursive construction: "you" only exist to other people as a continent object-construction to facilitate social relations, and that is then recursively applied by ones consciousness apparatus to oneself to allow one to exist in a social environment.
This is not a useful truth. If you feel this way its probably because you are extremely isolated and introspective; a deadly combination.
Theres nothing to say, but be the self that your constituent personalities and mechanisms are most content in and try to have fun

>>41497468
read about dialectical materialism, at least history will make sense if nothing else

>>41498866
This is actually weirdly inspirational, but in an ultimately specious manner, just as idioms like "One must imagine Sisyphus happy." are

>>41497468
Literally me. I feel like an npc who accidentally gained consciousness, but also lacks the ability to do anything with it

>>41499456
>ultimately specious manner
its a platitude, but be fun has been a good maxim for yours truly when they wonder what they ought to do in any situation that they're in doubt since one lacks a lacks a true self to perform.

>>41499843
I've lived for over 5 years now using similar platitudes, and I'm just so extremely exhausted by it all. I don't want to perform anymore. I would love to just be. To exist as a person just like everyone else. But alas, I know this will be a lifelong struggle. All I can hope for is finding some respite in the joy of others

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>>41497468
skill issue

>>41501358
yeah same but what is one to do?

>>41502712
I wish I knew. I just feel like all of this shouldn't as arduous as it is

>>41498183
I could have written this.

I still dont know if I have dysphoria, being as I am unable to experience things the way others do I cant know for sure. I know I hate(d) myself. I know I hate the way I look. I know that most of my masculine traits make me uncomfortable and sad. But despite all of that I see myself as a guy. I know that even if I looked completely like a girl id look in the mirror and think, holy shit, im supposed to be a guy, im a guy and i look like this. and then id probably go goon or play video games all night to stave off the horror of it all. Like some trannies clearly see themselves as women, or at least they act like they do. And im just incapable of that. Its not that I want to be a man, Im just uncomfortable looking like a man, but I still see myself as one. I will always see myself as a male, or nothing. Which is more like how I feel most of the time.

I think the standard view of identity held by most people, trannies included. Is to be very precious about your own identity. The idea that everyone just "feels" who they really are. That it is somehow hardcoded into your genetics even. And that all we have to do is allow people to express themselves and everything will fall into place and everyone will be happy. But it seems that the more free people are to experiment and explore the more confused they sometimes become.

I suspect, and I just suspect. That the real truth is that nobody is trans, anyone who is trans could just as well not be, anyone who isnt could just as well be. All it takes is being exposed to the right things in the right order, with just enough trauma, just enough dissociation from your self, a supportive community, oppurtunity and motivation. Honestly some people probably look at themselves and think they would make a better girl than a guy and transition for that reason alone. There are no rules but we pretend like there are, because we want comfort and to justify ourselves to others.

>Would it all be absurd? Or might it make some kind of sense? I've made myself sick wondering about it. I awake in the morning - just the way millions do, millions of boys, girls, infants and old men, their slumber dissipated forever... These millions, those slumbers have no meaning. A hidden meaning? Hidden, yes, "obviously"! But if nothing has any meaning, there's no point in my doing anything.I'll beg off. I'll use any deceitful means to get out of it, in the end I'll have to let go and sell myself to meaninglessness, nonsense: that is man's killer, the one who tortures and kills, not a glimmer of hope left. But if there is a meaning? Today I don't know what it is. Tomorrow? Tomorrow, who can tell me? Am I going to find out what it is? No, I can't conceive of any "meaning" other than "my" anguish, and as for that, I know all about it. And for the time being: nonsense. Monsieur Nonsense is writing and understands that he is mad. It's atrocious. But his madness, this meaninglessness - how "serious" it has become all of a sudden! - might that indeed be "meaningful"? My life has only a meaning insofar as I lack one: oh, but let me be mad! Make something of all this he who is able to, understand it he who is dying, and there the living self is, knowing not why, it's teeth chattering in the lashing wind: the immensity, the night engulfs it and, all on purpose, that living self is there just in order... "not to know".

>>41497468
psychobabble concepts like "identity" or "meaning" are a waste of time. we are just monkeys and it's impossible for us to intuitively relate to abstract concepts like that in a way that would ever satisfy you. find stuff you enjoy, spend your time doing it and then die.

>>41503259
With concepts like "identity" or "meaning" I'm obviously referring to stuff I could do and enjoy until I die. That's just kinda how language works, and it's just much more concise to use abstract concepts to communicate ideas than it would be to write everything I was trying to say out

>>41503432
how is it less concise than just saying "i'm depressed and don't want to do anything"? lol

>>41503128
This is extremely relatable. I also have no clue at all whether what I feel can be called dysphoria. Whenever I read about how gender dysphoria feels like for an actual trans person, I immediately realize that I'm not like them at all. I feel intrinsically male, and I know that I deeply despise myself, which includes my maleness. Imagining a female self is just the antithesis of everything I hate about myself. It's a me devoid of pain and anguish. But I know they are not real, and just a figment of my imagination

>>41503504
Because what I've said in my op is much more than just "i'm depressed and don't want to do anything". It would also be inaccurate to say just that. I'm definitely depressed, but I do very much want to do something about it. I was lamenting at the fact that nothing I've done up until now has changed a thing for the better, nor staved it from becoming worse

>>41497570
Trvth nvke