>>41527364
Just get a life and you'll start caring about more important matters

Idk OP, just transition instead of "revers dysphoria" coping

>>41527768
I really wish it were just a cope. I genuinely started feeling immense distress at the changes becoming more and more pronounced

>>41527782
is it the changes that distress you or others noticing the changes?

Same here, I wake up feeling like I was crazy for feeling awful the night before, everything will be fine, by early evening I'm in a doom spiral

>>41527782
Was it the changes or how others might react to it

>>41527820
>>41527834
It's very hard to differentiate between the two, but I feel like it's both. At first I thought I would enjoy the changes, but I started to deeply dread them and the thought of living with them. It genuinely started to disgust me to think about having breasts for example, despite feeling completely fine with them in some moments. The disgust was genuinely nauseating. I'm obviously afraid of people perceiving the changes, especially in the awkward in between phase, but I also don't even know whether I'd even want to socially transition. Just thought that I might be able to love my body more, even though I don't even really have dysphoria to begin with

>>41527952
Well, do you wanna live life as woman or as man, or enby

>>41527976
I really don't know. It all feels so arbitrary to me, and currently I don't really want to live at all. All options feel like they suck in some way

>>41528049
Try to ignore your depression and try to evaluate how you feel about your body
Do you like the way it looks on a sex level or would you rather have something else
It's a process but venting on here will only get you "advice" from rephons who'll go john50.
Ideally go to a psychiatrist, talk with them about it
Maybe you'd be happier with tits and a vag
Or just a vag
Or just the way you are

>>41528087
>Do you like the way it looks on a sex level or would you rather have something else
I wish I could properly figure this out. I just feel so utterly indifferent and apathetic to it all that I can only focus on what's pragmatic, which is remaining cis. But I want to be able to actually care and like my body and self. I just feel numb to everything, and I want to feel alive. I can't see how transitioning would help me in any way, but I wish it would, since then Id at least have some actionable steps to take.
Trying to find a good psychiatrist is probably the best move to figure stuff out, and it's worth a try, but I'm really dreading it all being for nothing.

>>41528148
Sounds like you're just disassociating be it out of dyspmorphia or dysphoria

>>41528159
It doesn't really feel like dissociation. Just emotional detachment and an inability to care about my existence. Maybe that also counts as dissociation, but reading about dissociative symptoms always made it sound much more overt and intense than what I experience.

>>41528185
>it doesn't feel like disassociating
>literally describes disassociating

>>41528198
I meant that I don't ever feel "out of body" or that I can't recognize my reflection. I feel very present and am fully able to identify with myself, even if it's not on an emotional level. I can't even imagine it ever feeling different to "feel connected" on an emotional level other than how I feel currently.

>>41528228
Disassociating doesn't always mean "I'm someone else"
You're literally disassociating from your own emotions and identity and default to survival lizard brain shit
You need therapy, and maybe hrt

>>41528246
I can't really argue with that, since I really do feel like I lack an identity and am barely able to muster up emotions even in situations where strong emotions would be expected of me.
>You need therapy, and maybe hrt
Really hope that therapy will help with this. Having read many anecdotal accounts from other people about how therapy is a waste of time is quite demoralizing, but it's probably pointless to have a firm opinion on it without having tried it myself.
I've also been on hrt twice, which hasn't addressed my "dissociation" at all. That was actually my initial reason why I first gave it a try, besides also hoping I'd love the effects. Unfortunately it didn't pan out how I hoped, and I don't plan on touching hrt again until I'm able to figure out what's actually wrong with me.

>which hasn't addressed my disassociation
Yeah ofc, it addresses dysphoria
It sounds like you're disassociating due to trauma, which wouldn't be uncommon for trans people since the entire pre treatment experience is putting stress on you be it sub or consciously

>>41528356
>It sounds like you're disassociating due to trauma
I know for certain that I've never had any actually traumatic life events happen to me. I just started to feel more and more hollow and no matter the effort, nothing ever changed.
>since the entire pre treatment experience is putting stress on you
Can you please elaborate on what I mean with this?

>>41528446
Dysphoria elevates your neurotransmitters the same way a physical trauma or chronic stress does for a lot of people. Ergo your body treats it as chronic stress, which it can either try to avoid (by disassociating or fleeing the situation) or face and work through (e.g. via therapy, hrt,suegery,antidepressants).
When was the first time you started disassociating?

>>41528485
>Dysphoria elevates your neurotransmitters the same way a physical trauma or chronic stress
Reading descriptions like this just makes me more convinced that I really did experience reverse dysphoria when I was on hrt. After 2 months where my levels were more stable, I felt constantly stressed and lethargic. In theory this should be a relief, since it would mean I'm cis and can just work on my issue without the need to transition, but I always feel a weird sense of dread at the realization that hrt really was making me dysphoric.
>When was the first time you started disassociating?
It's hard to pinpoint an exact moment, but I know that the first times I've started to feel hollow and indifferent towards life was around 12~13 years old. It was nothing major, and I was able to live with it just fine. There were also periods where I'd even say that I barely felt "dissociated", but I also do believe that it was more or less always gnawing at me in the background. I remember very little about how I felt and what I thought during my teen years though, so I can't say anything with absolute certainty. For what it's worth, there were zero overt signs of gender dysphoria, and the signs that aren't overt are so farfetched that I can't seriously consider them

>>41528582
Hmm i mean it sounds like it's related to puberty, could be dysphoria, could be some other issue
Either way, psychiatrist and therapy would be the way to go
Maybe you're a tranny, maybe not

>>41528634
>Maybe you're a tranny, maybe not
I feel like if I actually were a tranny, I should've know much earlier, and that I should've felt much better on hrt, which unfortunately wasn't the case. Now I'm stuck in a weird in between, where I can't let myself just be cis, since it fills me with melancholy, but I also can't be trans, because I've felt so horrible when I tried to transition.
>Either way, psychiatrist and therapy would be the way to go
Can't really think of many other options myself. Really hope it'll help me help myself.
Thanks a lot for the advice, and btw, you're one of the nicest trips on the board

>>41528720
>trans
Yeah I mean it could be subconscious anxiety and shit
It could also be that hrt genuinely isn't for you
>really hope it'll help
Same, therapy isn't a "you, fix me" but it can help you a lot in figuring shit out
>thanks a lot
No worries, I hope you can be happy no matter what you end up as

>>41528732
>It could also be that hrt genuinely isn't for you
I really wish I could just have an easy answer to this. Despite already having reached the conclusion that I felt horrible on hrt and detransing twice, I'm still considering it daily, and it's really plaguing my daily life. I feel like I'm just hoping for a panacea though, and my mind just so happened to latch onto hrt for some reason.
>but it can help you a lot in figuring shit out
It would only make sense for it to help, but I guess I can't really imagine how it would. I feel like even if I were to lay everything out to my therapist, that they'll be just as stumped as me. I really hope I'm just missing something which would allow me to make at least the smallest steps in figuring stuff out, and that it'll be easier to see what I'm missing with an outsiders perspective

>>41527364
>wake up and feel completely comfortable, and even confident in my own masculinity
> Autistic as fuck
>sometimes hate looking myself in mirror
>scared of AGP being whats wrong with me
>get confused and anxious flip flopping between saying maybe I am or I am not trans/genderfluid

this is just my own experience OP but you gotta figure yourself out, I am still trying.

>>41528882
>sometimes hate looking myself in mirror
I do relate to this to some extent. I feel no distress from looking at my own reflection, but I also never like it. I'm just met with complete apathy, and it's overall quite a burden to put in effort into taking care of myself.
>scared of AGP being whats wrong with me
You mean that you have AGP, and are scared that all of this is just a byproduct of it? If so, then that sounds quite stupid. I'd wager that if it really were just AGP, that you wouldn't actually be as confused and occasionally hate the way you look.

>>41529127
there is a lot of reasons to think it is, and I didn't start questioning this stuff again until recently and it is not the first time either, 2-3 years ago I was experimenting with seeing myself as genderfluid wasn't until person things happened that i felt like it was phase to me at least, thinking about it again has left me confused, anxious and scared. I don't want to feel like this or having to think about this, its why i flip flop there's two constant sides of this is true or this is just some delusion and reason why it is and it is not and I hate it.

apologies if this doesn't make sense or anything just been a lot to think about as of late.

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>>41529231
How old are you right now? I've personally started suddenly questioning it all at 19 without any prior signs, which to me heavily weighs the chance towards me not even being trans and just confused. Questioning and flip flopping back and forth ever since then has also left me very confused, anxious and scared of it all.

>>41529589
currently 24 almost 25 now, I've had these thoughts when I was in my teen years but never really fully started questioning and thinking about everything around 22-24 (which is now), the idea of it being cause of AGP is also scary to me cause I dont want to fall into that stereotype at all.

>>41529688
>>41529688
>had these thoughts when I was in my teen years
You're a tranny, or at least it's extremely likely. That wasn't the case for me, or at least I don't think that any of the thoughts I've had bear any significance.
>it being cause of AGP
Why would you even wonder this? I can't even wrap my head around how AGP, in the sense that it's just a fetish, could wrap your sense of self so much to not be comfortable with your birth sex anymore. In case it does that, then you just were a tranny to begin with, just repressed it all. I'm saying all of this while trying to give AGP some credence, but if everybody would be more honest with themselves, they'd know that it's all bullshit

>>41529824
Im scared to admit it cause i still feel like theres parts in my life that says other wise or reasons as to think im not.

>>41527364
Identify what exactly you like about the idea of being female.

Are they just things which people call girly?
It doesn't mean you have to grow tits, you can just do those things and be a man.

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>>41530463
Not OP BUT thats one thing Im trying not cloud my judgement, i am more focusing of my version of myself but I am still in denial or just confused idk its scary to think about

>>41527364
just be bigender OP
you can be both

>>41527364
wow are you literallyyyy me I also feel this sadness that I’m not actually trans even tho I tried it and know it’s not for me. are you mixed race perchance bc my current working theory is that I have major issues with identity development due to being a weird looking mutt