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i think 7 years is long enough to know i wont pass.

i dont think i would have transitioned if i could have known it would be like this.

i wished i was born a girl, but i was already a boy, going thru a boys puberty, and the idea of transitioning didnt feel much fulfilling. it wouldnt give me the body i wanted, it felt like it just missed the point for me. i wanted to be female, not to be trans.

i was in the middle of my adolescence in 2015 when transness started seeming more socially normal, and it seemed so much more possible to just get on HRT and transition to a woman. i saw beautiful trans women online and started feeling like i could embody something close to what i wanted.

by the time i started hrt, puberty was already done. i didnt really realize yet how big i had gotten, i wasnt paying attention and it was all so quick and my body felt so malleable at the time.

i really underestimated how difficult being trans would be due to the male puberty. from the third person i am so huge, and i'm just now really truly realizing how big i am. my neck is huge and my shoulders are like cinderblocks. i do not pass. it's so obvious i wasn't born a girl, i dont look female i look like a big guy with estrogenized features and long hair.

when i was pre transition i didnt have much problem about being a guy. but now i have a brain that thinks its a woman but the body simply doesnt match, and never really will. i think i deluded myself into thinking i could be more feminine than i actually really can. it hurts having a brain that feels female and stupidly thinks its in a female body.

well, i think i need to be less self obsessed and to be grateful at least my body works, others have it so much worse..