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He said he had a dream where God spoke to him and told him to be what he was before life

I'm worried about him, he's always been a very religious man but, he's had issues with having visual hallucinations before and, he apologized for ever having had sex with me and "leading me down the wrong path"

Idk what to do fuck, fucking he'll, I miss my baby, I miss my boyfriend, I miss the man I wanted to marry, I miss him so much, I want to take care of his feelings and treat him so thst he never has any doubt that there's someone who loves him ever again
Idk what the fuck is wrong with me, I don't have BPD, I've never done this after a break up, and desu I don't wanna just apply a psychological term like "limerance" to this and just fucking intellectualize my suffering as just some chemicals

My love for him was more than just some chemicals, it was spiritual, he said the same

It hurts so much, every day used to feel worth living because I had a loving man to support and live for, and I keep doing what pm supposed to, and it just keeps coming back

I'm aware it will hurt less as time goes by, and all I want is for him to be happy, even if that means without me

But fuck, there's so many times I feel like he's just subconsciously coping with the loss and bow stuff didnt work out by applying a religious label, idk


I tried talking to a guy who kinda likes me recently, being friendly, and I just, can't fucking do it

I can't lie to myself like this and pretend like it's just as simple as finding someone else to love

Every time I cry I imagine he's right there, holding me, he used to do that whenever I cried and he was so gentle, I feel like I ruined him, I feel like I broke him
And I feel so broken, it's the fact that he doesn't trust me anymore, the fact that he probably doesn't think the love was real or was sinful that hurts more than anything

I feel like im the only living proof of that love, and it's killing me

>>41898289
how long were u two together? that sounds hard anon im sorry :(

>>41898289
Thought this post said “I keep cumming back to back”

>>41898527
Lmao

>>41898456
Almost a year

>>41898289
There's nothing more to be done. If you love him, let him go — it's not a matter of him being religious or having been good before; "before" means past, and the past can only be relived through memories, not altered or undone. You made your decision, and so did he. You may regret it, but things will hardly ever be the same again.

Love yourself first, walk away. That's what you need. Talking won't help you get over it; it will only sink you deeper into this unrequited love. Walking away isn't wrong; you need time to feel better, and that will only happen by walking away. No matter how much you love him, if it hurts you, if it makes you feel this bad, is it really love? Or are you simply thinking you'll never be treated like you were in this relationship? You don't need another relationship; you need to get over this one.

Take all the time you can, because past relationships hurt, and everyone goes through a grieving period. Don't think he'll change to be more caring or loving; he'll remain cold and unapproachable.

>>41898819
>—
>;
kek

>>41898819
Chatgpt?

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>>41898819
It makes me feel bad because im aware I could have been a good wife for him, and I'm aware he could have been a good husband for me

It makes me feel bad because I let my past traumas from relationships that weren't worth it destroy the only relationship that truly mattered

We spent about 3 months straight without talking, he needed space, and I wanted to see if I could function without him

Even then im just lying to myself that things will get better, I've had my first quarter of college, didnt feel any accomplishment, I go to the gym regularly, I don't feel accomplishment, I do my makeup well, I don't feel anything, all I want is to make him happy, be a better person for him

I'm aware we won't ever date again, painfully aware

I'm also partially scared because idk if any other man that meets my standards would ever want me, I'm already 25, most men want younger trannies, even then, dating as a Trans woman is difficult, we become less valuable the older we get except for perverted older guys who just want us for a fetish, that man loved me, he didnt see me as a fetish

I don't think I'll ever find a man as selfless as him, as kind as him, as caring as him, he wasn't motivated by lust, but by love

Even if I find a man like that, deep down I'd feel disgusted with myself because it would feel like replacing him, I don't wanna replace him, but also I can't help but want the kinda guy he is, he became my type, I dont have a type anymore

Sorry, im so sorry im trying to live my life but I feel like all my life was preparing me to meet him

I just want to hold him one more time, just to give him a proper goodbye, I wasn't given closure, he said he didnt need closure, he said hearing my voice made him sad and he couldn't call

He said he didn't really owe me closure, and that's true

But God if it would have made detaching so much easier

>>41898900
What does this even mean

>>41898948
Oh :<

>>41898289
>>41898957
Can you both meet and try again?

>>41898900
Don't tell me the robits took semicolons too..

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>>41899088
He said he has to return a camera of mine, which is true, but he hasn't had the desire to meet up for 6 months, or atleast, hasn't felt ready/prepared to handle it

Idk when that will be desu, another month? 3? 6? Tbh I feel like I'd be able to stay calm during a meet up with him, stay casual, but he's probably very aware that he shouldn't ask or talk about anything below surface level chat,

"So how have you been?"

"OH uh, you know, haha, better!"

Obviously I am better but yeah im worried I'll accidentally say something that makes him sad

I can't really update him about what's going on with my life unless it's positive, that's all he would wanna hear, he doesn't wanna hear about all the nights I've spent crying,
all the nightmares I've had about him,
all the dreams I've had that always end with us hugging before I wake up

He doesn't wanna hear how the short period of love he gave me could sustain me for a life time, and how I will always have a place for him in my heart

He just wants to live his life and serve his God and do what feels right to him

Sometimes I wonder if he's only still friends with me because of some obligation like to be a good Christian, which would make me feel like shit

He thinks he was meant to guide me down a better path, which feels like recontextualizing our love as simply something God planned so we could both learn a lesson, that's all

It hurts, I don't wanna be seen as some test, some temptation he had to overcome, some fucking sinful vice

I'm a person, I love him, I don't want to lead him towards sin, I wanted to live as sin free of a life as possible with him


How can a man love someone so much, write poetry for them, make paintings for them, be so madly in love with them

All to just, set that aside, I understand it was for his health but

How, he's stronger than I ever could be, idk how to hide these feelings, turn them off

I've always felt more than I've thought

He was the more logical partner

Bleh

>>41898948
No, this was written by me. It's poorly written because it was done by human hands.

>>41898948
Leave it at that; I use it mainly because it looks better in essays — and because it sounds good on those occasions, where formal language is clearly more desirable. It's a generic style, and if it's used incorrectly, please correct me grammatically/spellingally.

>>41898957
This is one of the points — you noticed, but it's important to emphasize — you won't be his wife. From what you wrote, you both had problems: him being extremely religious, in a religious psychosis, and you having your own problems fully committing to this relationship; whether due to traumas or other equally complex issues. How does love overcome this kind of adversity? And if he broke up with you after his encounter with God, what would you do? Because that was another possibility. If he apologized for being in a relationship with you, who guarantees that he didn't also "regret" the time you spent together?

Functioning without the other person is the minimum requirement for a healthy relationship. Nobody lives on love alone. You have to work, study, and focus equally on yourself. If you can't love yourself or enjoy your time alone, how could you love another person? That's not love, but dependence; being a better person shouldn't be for him, but for you. Self-sufficiency has to come from within, not something external, not a reason you want the other person, but you want what's best for YOU. You should be the focus, not your ex-boyfriend.

Not that I understand the experience of a trans woman, only you know that; only you understand this aspect. But the devaluation of women comes in both forms. Isn't there a famous actor who didn't date women up to twenty-five years old? The older you get, the harder things are romantically, but it's not impossible. You also said you found a man who likes you?
1/2

>>41899229
It's not impossible, it can be difficult because some men prefer younger women, but there will be men your age, younger, and older who will be attracted to you.

Time heals all wounds, OP. You need time with yourself to see that you will have other romances, other experiences, and that they will have a resolution. What I mean is, give it time; it doesn't have to be instantaneous.
2/2

>>41899237
See for a long time I was worried maybe yeah it was dependence,

The issue is, I was very dependent before him, and he was also, I was able to live my life despite a lot of issues, but like, I was fine

It was AFTER loving him that I started to fall apart when he left, I saw what real love could be like and I didn't ever wanna go back

I was fully capable of functioning alone, genuinely, part of my problem was that there was this internal conflict where he wanted us to give all of ourselves to eachother, and I kept telling myself "well, this could be unhealthy, this could be bad, I should be focusing on college right? I shouldn't move in with him this soon right?

And that hesitance, that i thought was reasonable, ruined everything, a lot of that was fueled by my trans femme friends who didnt trust men and kept telling me "he's abusive, he's possessive, maybe he's a fed! Why would a conventionally attractive cis guy who has his shit together wanna be with an anxious tranny?"

I wish I could take that all back, every hesitance, that wasn't loving fully, I was holding back

That's my biggest regret, I should have given him all my love without hesitation, that's what real love is

>>41899411
>I was fully capable of functioning alone, genuinely, part of my problem was that there was this internal conflict where he wanted us to give all of ourselves to eachother, and I kept telling myself "well, this could be unhealthy, this could be bad, I should be focusing on college right? I shouldn't move in with him this soon right?
nona...idk...
>he's abusive, he's possessive, maybe he's a fed! Why would a conventionally attractive cis guy who has his shit together wanna be with an anxious tranny?
thats too much tho

>>41899487
Idk my friends sucked, I don't talk to those folks anymore

>>41899563
was the fact that you didnt want to rush things what started the conflict? because you did nothing wrong here
before asking a tranny for advice about men, always check if she hates men

>>41899646
There were other things, I did a lot of people pleasing and sometimes lied about some stuff about my personal life, like my housing security etc, that obviously wasn't good, but yeah we would argue about the moving stuff because to him, he wanted some assurance that I wanted to build a life with him and wanted to make plans, and to me it looked like he wanted to just have me move with him ASAP because of desperation/control,

I think the biggest issue was the lying, that breaks down trust and that's really the bost difficult thing to repair

He lied about some stuff, or rather withheld some stuff, very minor, so I can't say he's at fault there