i think im having a nervious breakdown idk whats wrong with me but now all day i cant stop crying. i want to be a woman so much but now i feel like i can never have that, never embody what i want so bad. im sick of carrying this everyday. my brain is shaped around stupid trans shit and i feel like my brain is a woman and then the body not matching that and i dont pass, i just look like a big dude with soft skin.i dont look female at all idk why i thought i could. it was just all happening so fast, started hrt like the moment my body had just finished up w puberty and my brain hadnt caught up yet, i thought i was smaller. i didnt realize how big i was i didnt realize what puberty was doing to me or the permanence. i didnt realize how detrimental this would be so many years later. i underestimated sexual dimorphism, i thought things would just work out one way. i was so scared of transition so i stayed in denial til 18 and didnt realize puberty was already done and didnt realize how freakish i am and my giant big toes and clownishly huge feet too big for any woman idek what to say when people ask me my shoe size cause its embarasaing.i hate being human i hate being in this flesh i hate feeling lost in my brain and i feel nauseous just existing and i hate these fucking thought loops playing over and over again and replaying my puberty over again in my mind. i hate this shit i love being a woman so fucking much but its so fucking painful and it will always be at mismatch with my body it just feels so painful idk if i can do this anymore. idek what T feels like anymore im thinking of transitioning back to a guy, women are so fucking beautiful and it hurts so much i can never embody that, at least on T i felt like i was a guy, and my body perfectly matched that, it was so much easier, no pain or mismatch. i hate this mismatch and that i will never have a female body for the rest of my life im huge and i can never be a woman in the way that i once thought i could be.
