He was holding me, we were in his bed cuddling in my dream and he was being so sweet, i was giving him kisses on the cheek, i could hear his voice, i havent heard his actual voice in 6 monthsi woke up with tears on my face and it fucking scared me, because ive never dealt with this beforei checked our chat logs while i was half asleep because part of me wanted to believe the past 6 months were just a dreamand i briefly saw his earlier messages when he was sweet, calling my his baby, when i was sending him kisses and telling him i couldnt wait to visit him this weekendand the reality hit of course, things have been over for months, hes casual, he has his walls up, his vulnerability and his love are things that hes locked up, those guards he has always had to protect himself from others are thereidk how i can cope guys, at this point, really it feels like before i met him i was doing better mentally when i was alone, now? i feel weak, i feel pathetic, i go through my day, i cook, i clean, i take care of my body and i dont deprive myself things or harm myself,and i feel so cold, so fucking cold
part 2this isnt like the "im gonna kill myself" kinda sadness, im going to keep living, as i always have after traumas, i want to hope for a life that is fulfilled and happybut to be quite honest, I think this empty feeling will remain somewhat for my whole life, years from now maybe ill have found better ways to cope, or just, ill "forget" some of these feelingsbut i think the love he gave me could sustain me for a lifetime, im glad i met him, im glad i could be a safe place for him for a while, im glad he opened up to me, im glad i could have him rest his head in my lap and feel comfortableit hurts, idk what to do, it hurts, i wanna get over him, for my own sake, for his sake. I genuinely think i might go years, decades where, even if this pain fades, there will still be that reminder, because i could never forget a man like that, and wondered what could have been if we had stayed together, 5, 10 years down the line, maybe we would get married, maybe we would have adopted some kids, take them to school, go to church, just live a simple life fueled by lovebut to be quite honest, I think this empty feeling will remain somewhat for my whole life, years from now maybe ill have found better ways to cope, or just, ill "forget" some of these feelingsbut i think the love he gave me could sustain me for a lifetime, im glad i met him, im glad i could be a safe place for him for a while, im glad he opened up to me, im glad i could have him rest his head in my lap and feel comfortableit hurts, idk what to do, it hurts, i wanna get over him, for my own sake, for his sake. I genuinely think i might go years, decades where, even if this pain fades, there will still be that reminder, because i could never forget a man like that, and wondered what could have been if we had stayed together, 5, 10 years down the line, maybe we would get married, maybe we would have adopted some kids, take them to school, go to church, just live a simple life fueled by love
