I keep having dreams about my ex bf, sometimes I wake up crying because they're so beautiful and waking up and being reminded my life is devoid of his touch is truly the most painful thing I've ever experienced, and I've been starved before, molested, I've been homeless, I've been beaten etcHe was>6'3>handsome, kinda looked funnily enough a little like the gigichad meme>such a kind man, he was sweet to homeless people, animals, children, and strangers>convicted and devoutly believed in god and Christ, he cared so much about living a simple, wholesome life with someone he loved>genuinely the most intelligent man I've probably ever met, sure maybe there are people who are a bit smarter than him, but he never had a superiority complex, he would acknowledge what he didn't know>fit, he worked out nearly every day and cared about his body, took care of his skin and hair>despite being attracted to a boymoder like me, and having dated femboys before, he mostly just acted like a regular straight cis guy, this is to say that he didn't engage with gay culture like hypersexuality and the other issues>he wanted to take care of me and I wanted to take care of him, we made gifts for each other all the time, he was like a teddybear >he never made fun of me for being a little weird, or that I hadn't gone to college yet, he didn't make fun of my anxiety or my OCD, he didn't care if I worked or not, he just wanted me to better myself, go to college, study what I truly cared about rather than what people told me I should, and if I just wanted to be a housewife he was okay with that>he loved and took care of his family, he was the most reliable man in his familyI've never loved anyone like I loved that man, I've never admired anyone like I admired himMore men should be like him, I genuinely think being with him set my standards so high, that I probably won't love anywhere near like that again
>>41957602I'm aware people are gonna ask why we broke upLong story short I made a lot of mistakes and wasn't good to him, I didn't have very stable housing, I was irritable, and I knew how clingy I am with partners, so I tried to counteract that with holding myself at a slight distance because I didn't wanna scare him off, which just ended up looking like avoidance, I lied about details about my life because I was scared, idk about what,At a core level he saw the real me from the beginning, he really did, idk if I've ever been able to open up as much as I did with him, but after a few months I started to hesitate and the stuff going on at home started bringing out the worst parts of me, parts that I dont think I've ever even seen, I was argumentative, I wasn't mindful of when he said his feelings were hurt because I was too busy being focused on "why" they were hurt, like a time I snapped at him because I had severe stomach pains and he tried touching me to hold me and I backed away and said "dont touch me"I feel so fucking bad about all of that, genuinely if he had met me even 6 months later I don't think I ever would have hurt him as badly as I did, I feel sick, I feel disgusted with myselfHe has since gone on to say he had a dream where god spoke to him, and he has since stated that he has always loved me, but that love was corrupted by desire and sex, (because we are both biologically male) and that his purpose was to guide people like me to godWhich just makes me feel worse because I feel like it just retcons our whole relationship to be some test from god, it hurts a lotI wake up every day holding the care bears plushie he gave me the day I met him, I pray to god for guidance, I pray that if we were truly soul mates, and i think we are, some day we will be together again, maybe that's cope,I feel like i became spiritually married to him, I never told him this but, he was the first person to be inside me, but I lied and said I had experience
I can speak for your ex because it sounds almost exactly like my scenario, though I wouldn't call myself anything particularly extraordinary, I am reliable and kind and etc etc.Maybe don't lie??? Seriously I gave my ex the world and just wanted better for them. Maybe just unfuck youself? How hard is it to just do the right thing I'll never understand some people's capacity to undermine themselves and others. Good luck, sorry you did that to yourself, but if my feelings towards my ex (who sounds remarkably comparable to you) is any indication, just leave him alone. You burned the bridge and he probably didnt want to hurt your feelings with a breakup. Move on with your life and honor his efforts by being a better person
>>41958969All I've been doing since then (and admittedly even before we broke up, I just hadn't made much progress then)Is work to be a better person, that's why I left the local trans community, I was just around a lot of awful people who weren't really encouraging me to grow, they actually encouraged bad habitsI've been trying to reconnect with faith and live a more wholesome life, signed up for an 8 week CBT/DBT therapy course, I even found a new therapist than the one I had when we dated because I felt i wanted more direct addressing of my faults, the lying particularlyI'm not just sitting here feeling sorry for myself, im very aware these are things I could have avoided, im VERY aware how I hurt him, i just can't take those things back, all I can do is, as you said honor him and be a better personAll I want to do is repent, all I want to do is prove to him, show him what he saw when I was like that wasnt my true self, idk how thoughIf I could just show him the inside of my thoughts and peer inside my soul he would know without a doubt I would never hurt him like that again, but I cant. All he can do is go off my actions and words and all we do is text, I cant show him how much work I've put, I justIdk why i was like that, I cant believe I did that to you, or how I acted after, I've never been like this before and it scares me, I've never wanted a partner back like this, and it scares me, I feel broken, like a piece of myself went missingIf youre reading this im sorry E, I promise im trying, I promise im trying to live a wholesome life, im trying so hard every day to push myself and move past you and live my life, please dont think even for a moment that I ever wanted to hurt you, I was stupid and didn't realize what I was doingI cant stop crying, I have to move on, you want me to, but for my own self respect, I need to sayI wasn't a test from god,I wasn't some temptation from the devilI loved you, as purely as the word can describe
I worry about your mental health, I worry so much about you, I hope you can get the medical care you've been needing, I hope you dont let your experiences with me ruin your faith that there's good people out thereThe love we had could sustain me for a lifetime, and im just glad we met, I wish I could have shown you what I could be without all of my baggage and bad behaviorsI wish I could have grown alongside you
>>41961222reminds me of my ex person i dated kinda except i never met him in person. i loved him a lot though. and he also started with e. what are the chances
>>41957602where the fuck does one find people like this.
>>41957703He deserves better.You had your shot and you fumbled it, live with the consequences. >>41961251liar liar pants on fire
>>41957703True growth would be realizing if you had another shot you'd fuck it up just as badly.
>>41961987I realize I wasn't fully capable of being myself because I had an unstable living situation and I kept that hidden, I was constantly dealing with shit from all my friends for dating a cis man and I let that get to my head because they kept saying "he's a fed he's clearly a fed why would a guy like that care about a tranny like you, he's a fed fed fed fed" etcI met him like 2 months after I had moved back to a city I hated and was barely able to start eating regularly againIm sure this all sounds fucking "poor me poor me" but the reality is I was barely establishing stability within my life again when I met him and that's my fucking fault, I couldn't be as healthy or present as I should have been and that's my faultBut absolutely I won't admit that if given a second chance I would hurt him like that again, im not stupid, Im as capable of growth as I am capable of loveI just have to learn that he doesn't want that anymore and I need to give that love to other people in my life, I want to give people hope and inspire them like he did with meGod bless
