>>41961671
Need a list of CYOAs design with REPCHADS in mind.

>>41962144
>qott
no, but that's how life is on this bitch of an earth

is repressing a fun and enjoyable experience?

>>41962300
Totally, you should give it a go. watch your body becoming more masc in real time

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>>41962300
waow

>>41962300
It's a blast. One of the only things in the world that becomes harder the longer you do it, except you increasingly tell yourself it's easier than the alternative.

>>41962300
better than trooning

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>>41962344

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What is your repsona /repgen/?

>>41962427
I'm not in these sorts of spaces enough to know what that means

>>41962427
a corpse

>>41962427
what the fuck is a repsona
isnt the entire point of repping that were trying to be normal and not engage in these kinds of things

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Reppers, what is your height and age? I'm curious

6'1 (186cm), 30 y/o for me

>>41962300
of course :)
>>41962427
i have a job
>>41962505
5'10" / 28

>>41962505
5'9, 22
built like a brick shithouse tho

>>41962505
6'1" 27

>>41962427
Didn't really have one. I have an idea of what I'd want to look like ideally, but I'm both disassociated enough that I don't really have a solid self-perception. I was also so big into the RP community at one point that I'm more the type to have a stable of characters I identify with than any single self-insert.
>>41962499
>isnt the entire point of repping that were trying to be normal and not engage in these kinds of things
You've failed at this criteria when you come here to talk about repping. You are engaging.

>>41962583
>You've failed at this criteria when you come here to talk about repping. You are engaging.
yknow what this honestly didnt occur to me thank you anon

>>41962300
it's basically living hell desu

>>41962499
Yeah if you want to be a repper you need to stamp down these thoughts whenever they show up. Give them no quarter.

>>41962505
22yo 6'3 hulking ogre beast

ill order e next week i promise

>>41962144
remember to take your HRT, retards

>/repgen/ is full of giants
>/fit/ is full of manlets

>>41962505
191cm/6'3, 38 and ready to die

>>41962649
yaldabaoth works in mysterious ways

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>>41962192
I honestly tend to prefer CYOAs that focus more on building a interesting setting for my female self to have fun adventures in with a comforting handwavy solution for the body problem like picrel to the generic TSF body-builder templates

>>41962505
6' and 34. It sucks senpai.

>>41962505
5'4", 24

>>41962649
Low sex hormones = growth plates close late, end up tall.
High sex hormones = growth plates close fast, end up short.
Reality is simply fucking cruel, you see.

>>41962835
not tall, clearly i'm a fake repper
>>41962647
no <3

>>41962832
wtf, why are you here with us?
leave this place and go be happy
unless you're a FTMrepper ofc in which case RIP

>>41962456
how common is head trauma childhood rape combo in this thread?
t. denarius the raped

>>41962505
5'8 31 but my shoulders and ribcage are the widest objects on the planet

i fucking hate being a man i hate men i hate being seen as a man

I worked out and now Im just pissed off and sadder

>>41963125
I just got dropped on my head as a baby

>>41963560
I fucking hate being a man, I love men but I hate being seen as one

I'm at page 68 of Anne Lawrence's book 'men trapped in men's bodies'. i've come to the conclusion that there are true agps and fake agps. The author has case stories of agps who couldn't actually reach an orgasm without thinking of themselves as women but also, had crossdressing tendencies shortly before puberty or during early puberty despite being gynephiles and being masculine during childhood. The author to me feels like a turbo autist that tries to examine transsexuality from a purely clinical perspective, as if trans people existed in a vacuum and not in a broader political context. She even tries to argue that asexual trans women are autogynephiles and that the reason why more agp trans women transition in the UK, Canada and the United States is because these countries tolerate individual self expression whereas other cultures put a greater emphasis on collectivism.

>>41963671
!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i need to stop repping so that i can actually love men

for those of you who tried to "just" be a feminine gay man, what specific steps did you take to enjoy that particular life?

>case stories of agps who couldn't actually reach an orgasm without thinking of themselves as women but also, had crossdressing tendencies shortly before puberty or during early puberty despite being gynephiles and being masculine during childhood
kinda sounds like me but my sexuality isn't strictly that and I'm not purely gynophilic because I like dick and often want to get fugged. I was pretty typically boyish outwardly but I hid wanting girly stuff, like playing some princess board game or watching sailor moon or playing as peach in mario kart
idk why i'm saying this thanks for reading my agp blogpost

>>41963789
The book is super uncomfortable and honestly the excuse i had been using to get through it is that i had never completed an ebook and i just wanted to prove myself that i have the discipline to get through one, but it is an utter waste of time and it's also pseudoscience

>alternate between agp and app
make it stop

>>41963918
Well i mean it doesn't matter what your sexuality is, if you have a genuine, persistent medical condition that will bother you until you transition, then you are valid.

>>41962505
5'4, 27

>>41963918
>idk why i'm saying this thanks for reading my agp blogpost
going to sign my posts like this moving forward
>>41963804
real

i rly need to cut my long hair, ive had it for years because it makes me feel more feminine but i look like a medieval peasant

>>41963946
when I was in highschool I was super AAP and got turned on thinking about being this stud that women go crazy with desire for but as time went on every girl I was with struck me as almost AGP, like they just wanted me to desire them, buying lingerie to wear and turn me on, never really being interested in my body, and the AAP went away and I got jealous of women getting to do that and my AGP came back hard and never went away

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>>41962685
Are you me?
Except I tell people I'm 6'2, maybe just 6'1, as cope. Literally the only """man""" who claims to be shorter than he is...

>>41964214
fucking with men by rounding down is amusing
let's stop repping twin

>>41964271
We are approaching the end of the year, the time I traditionally tell myself I'm going to get in better shape so I can make an appointment at an informed consent place, just a couple months into the new year...
I don't feel dumb enough any more to fuck with diy, even though I get the appeal of not having to physically interact with people about this.

>>41962505
179cm (5 feet, 10 15⁄32 inches) and 23y/o. My height distribution is also extremely manly (legs to torso ratio basically), I'm very wide and have a giant man head. I met women taller than me but none of them had my freakish proportions

ya'll mind if I potato peeler my skin off

>>41964772
i mind, please don't do that

>>41962505
6'2 200lbs 34

>>41962505
173cm (5'8")
61 kg (134 lbs)
21 years

I work out for hours each day to improve my lower body, hips and abdomen to compensate for my God awful shoulders.
That and shaving everything that isn't my hair helps to keep me sane

>>41963644
What sort of exercise did you do?

>>41964956
Ygmi. Please don't rep for longer I beg you you will regret it.

>>41964787
um okay rude

>>41964772
this isn't a kenshi thread

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>>41962505
5'11~ 32

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I can't get over the shame of being trans. It drives me insane and makes me miserable.

>>41964956
>I work out for hours each day to improve my lower body, hips and abdomen to compensate for my God awful shoulders.
is it working? might need to do that as well

>>41962505
5"10 (but taller than most guys who say theyre 6ft) 155lbs 24

very sad again

>>41962649
I always found this funny. Being on the one part of this website where 6ft is a bad thing

>>41965699
I don't mind it in itself but having these thoughts as an undeniably masculine entity is some sissy shit

>>41962532
Still really young, what's stopping you, the brickbuild? Asking not in a "you should just do it regardless" kinda way, just curious. Wish i could be 22 again, my idea that it'd get easier with age didn't turn out to be true.
>>41962685
How is repping through your 30's? I've just entered the decade, i kinda look at it like having to climb a mountain. Don't quite know where i stand. Have you gone stealth and manlarp doing all the normative male things, or does repping keep you from it?
. >>41962641
Harsh. At least you still have some time. Do you have anything planned for the future, or just living day by day atm?
>>41962828
Near same height as me, but older. How are your 30's so far?
>>41962835
Lucked out in that regard. Do you rep because of family or so? You still got some years too decide desu

>>41962881
Shut up, people can rep for other reasons than height or age.
>>41963972
Lucked out with height, but should probably decide soon. What's the main cause of repping?
>>41964956
lucky in height and good fortune in age. I don't want to push you out of repping (at the end of the day it's a personal choice), but i think you need to consider your options and plan a bit for the future. Years go by faster than you'd think. You already put in a lot of work, what exercises do you do?
>>41965636
seems like around 6' and early 30 is common here
>>41965838
you could be fine, if anything you can immigrate to a country with tall women. I don't think 5'10 is particularly tall for transitioning, my cis sister is taller.

The average repster age here is 27.8.

Has repping gotten easier with the years? For me, not really. I function fine on a daily basis, but still crash out sometimes when confronted with tranner stuff.

Couldn't reply to everyone who responded, board said it looked like spam ;_;

>>41966097
It's basically a guarantee you won't pass and then there's a bottleneck situation where you either rope in your 20s as aging into a man begins in earnest or persist forever in despair

>>41966097
>Has repping gotten easier with the years?
No. It does not. It was easiest when in the mirror there was a young boy. Now it's just old, fat, balding man with permanent facial hair. I just look like my father. Got a little easier when I got engaged but mostly because I had many other things to think about and got swept up in that (yes, my partner knows. I'm marrying a trans man. This whole dysphoria bullshit is how we connected at the begining)

>>41966459
Is passing the most important thing, or is it because when you pass others won't bother you as much? I wouldn't pass, but having even a slightly more fem body is slowly becoming acceptable to me.
>>41966543
>I'm marrying a trans man
Kinda funny, i've too experienced that tfms are the most understanding of reppers. The one i sometimes talk to lets me vent about it, is understanding, and doesn't come with the cheap "just do it anyway" type of answers. Not to generalize all ftms, but those i've got to know have been quite pleasant.
>permanent facial hair
I hate facial hair so much, i can deal with norwood or bald, but facial hair is a terror

>>41966612
>I wouldn't pass, but having even a slightly more fem body is slowly becoming acceptable to me.
nta but this is where I'm at. I'll look like a gorillahon but having boobs and less hair will be fine and its what I want to pursue. I can eventually get ffs and other surgeries and maybe feel okay

>>41966651
Honning out in my 30's might not be as terrible as first thought. I wouldn't go socially out though, so worst case i stop and go back repping again. going skinhead would probably throw off peeple's thought that i'm on hormones.

anyway tty guys later, gotta do stuff irl

>>41966612
I can't overlook my male traits even if they're buffered by feminine ones

any time I tell someone about my dysphoria they try to encourage me to transition but I've already tried that

people on estrogen have terrible personalities

>>41966081
>How are your 30's so far?
Utterly miserable.

>>41967389
I am a soulless sociopath on testosterone.

>>41967501
you're fine

>>41963789
>Another significant theme in the informants’ narratives was relief and gratitude that
their histories of autogynephilic arousal did not disqualify them from being considered genuinely transsexual. The theory of autogynephilic transsexualism validated
their experience of transsexualism as legitimate and helped to dispel their doubts
and fears:

Basically she's saying jeeps are Trutrans

five and a half weeks off HRT and i'm feeling like absolute dogshit
no desire to be a woman, just, emptiness, despair, anger, isolation, painful memories and advanced gyno

i am too broken and weird even for this board
the only place i feel comfortable anymore is at gay clubs full of drugged up degenerates like myself

>>41967905
I don't understand why you'd add this extra layer of torture to yourself instead of just manmoding.

>>41967987
manmoding doesn't work
everyone can see i'm wearing a bra and they would have very soon been big to go braless

>>41968085
'Work' in what sense? You're telling me right now you're already on HRT and getting off of it is making you feel worse, it sounds like in your situation that doing manmoding/HRTrepping would be best. Things won't get better but they won't get worse (like they are for you off hormones now.) Not like the tits are going to go away from you being off estrogen NOW anyway.

>>41968172
manmoding isn't better, trust me - there's no difference other than me doing a useless ritual for no other reason than to cling to an idea that was never meant to be. being trans was just an autistic hyperfixation. i wanted to pass simply to prove to the world that i could. for no other reason than for the rush of accomplishment and not being a total and utter failure at everything i do.
but life has shown me yet again,
that i am.
also my boobs aren't too big yet, but if i stayed on for like three or four more months, they would've been.

>>41968260
>being trans was just an autistic hyperfixation
You and I both know it's not true but if that helps you cope.

>>41967934
eww lol

>>41963917
just did mef shit

>>41963917
got bf
dance
be happy

Not quite too late physically, but socially and mentally.
Spent half of high school to stoned to think about the thoughts thag plagued me in middle school

I wish I tried to get a bf when I was trans. I'm turned off by dating as a man and felt insecure as a trans woman.

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TIPS FOR REPPERS ON HOW TO GET RID OF GENDER DYSPHORIA

Man up boys, man up, MAN UP MAN UP!! The end of the world, brought about by my prejudice PREJUDICE! Strength is all you need, murderous strength MUSCULATURE UNENDING i was the man who was the domination of my idea over the weak the strong shall rule, the weak will die 777 the seven days in babylon I crawled, the maze of bodies WEAKLINGS trampling bone underfoot MURDERER climbing the tower where I see picrel himself, who immediately grabs me and rapes my ass and when I come to, I look like picrel also. A metaphor of my past and and a lesson. Man up boys or someone will do it for you

>>41968920
you talk like a pooner, or potentially a Russell Williams, sry2say.

You're better off reading Ernst Jünger's "Eumeswil". The conscious repper is the embodiment of the Jüngerian anarch, wearing a mask in public so successfully it becomes his nature, yet free and unbound in his own mind as someone that both knows and truly accepts themselves.

>>41968800
be glad you only spent half of high school
i was stoned pretty much all the time until i was 22
now i'm coming to and it's harsh

>>41969009
>pooner
Well your half right Sometimes I wish I was ftm or maybe just a theyfab my AAP gets really strong sometimes

>>41965720
>>41966097
Thank you for the kind words. As requested here is my work out routine.

**Core** 60 of each then run though each section *twice* before moving on

Crunches
One sided crunches
Reverse crunches
Bicycle crunches

Russian twist
High boat low boat
Heel taps
Scissors horizontal

Scissors vertical
Wind sheild wipes
Dead bug
Toe touches on back
Jack knife
Starfish

**Lower body**

Bridge
Hip thrust
One legged bridge
Glut leg abductions
Bridge leg lifts

Leg lift on side
Clams

Leg lifts
Fire hydrant to Donkey kick
Cross over Donkey kick
High hydrant kick

Standing Leg lifts
Squats
Single leg squats
Side lunges
Side to sides
Alt Side squat taps
Twist squat
Cossack
Squat hold abductions
Slow sumo squat

Alternate back and forth day by day. I used to break it up with upper body on Wednesday but am experimenting with cutting that.
Let me know what you think :)

>>41969355
you can be a mtftm, or just non-binary theyfab. Unless you're afab and i mistook you as amab.
Pooners are cool, i like them

some days the dysphoria isn't that bad and I just think:

"What the fuck was i so stressed out about? was I really going to torpedo my life by transitioning??"

>>41962810
>prefer CYOAs that focus more on building a interesting setting
Based but unless the creator and I are on the same wavelength, the world they're trying to make may not be appealing.

>>41969391
Lovely i will screenshot, Merci.
I need to stop being lazy

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>>41969749
De rien! I have been doing this routine for about a year and am very happy with the results. I noticed improvements in only a month.

I was focusing on improving my thighs and removing hip dips (pic related) try experimenting to find what works for you and your goals <3

If anyone wants tips I have been doing this in differing forms for at least five years so can help if needed ^^

>>41970500
post your results

>>41970500
Nice, i'm happy it goes well for you.

I'm not very consistent, gotta admit. Have had months where i've been dedicated (now a few years ago tho) and long inbetweens of not doing anything. Stupid, ik. Right now i mostly just squat and leg raises, need to get better

>>41970500
hip dips can't be altered with exercise

>>41966097
>Lucked out with height, but should probably decide soon. What's the main cause of repping?
afraid of transphobia + don't know how to face my family

>>41969391
ty for posting this, i've never really worked out so it's super helpful to have something to start with
>>41969556
same, on the days like today where I don't feel like death it makes zero sense to me why i would ever want to transition. so much trouble for what?

Why don't people just stop being repressors and be normal cis males instead?

>>41970950
You could hide it for at least a good bit, maybe bs that you have gyno tits if someone asks. But still rough, especially if you live in a not so friendly area.

Can't say anything regarding family, i'm in the same boat there

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>>41971033

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All my old friends transitioned successfully and are doing well, in relationships, etc and I'm a worthless hrt repper who hasn't spoken to anyone outside of work related communication in half a decade

>>41971033
Reppers are normal males in public life, they're roaming around everywhere. Only inside is the problem desu

>>41971033
I AM NOT NORMAL

Wife says she's glad she married a real man

>>41971118
Why don't you be normal inside as well then?
>>41971171
Yeah but why won't you be?

>>41971502
>Married repper
Why did you do this to yourself?

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>>41971516
idk, i'm a mess. Some people troon while others rep.

Recently i rewatched Amadeus (1984), made me think of how funny a remake of the movie would be with Mozart being a youngshit and Salieri either a late tranning hon or repper. Made me chuckle a little bit, think it'd be a fun watch. Though unlike Salieri i'm not envious or a hate admirer.

Opinions? I think it'd be a good movie

>>41970778
They can't be removed as they are a result of bone structure but they can be improved.

>>41970613
>>41971019
squats and legs raises are good, it's better to do a little each day then lots infrequently, building a routine is very helpful.

>>41970552
Hmmmm maybe...

I WISH I WAS A WOMAN

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>>41971619
I think you think too much about tranny shit which is why you are the way you are.

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I'll turn my life around or kill myself next year for sure.
At least 5k put away towards ffs or I call it quits.

>>41971740
lol

i just wish i was dead atp

>>41971523
Thought i could beat it/cant really imagine being with anyone else

>>41971915
do they know?

>>41971928
obviously not? You have to be heartlessly ignorant of your partner to tolerate it. It's just like happily married gay men in the 00s. Evil women.

>>41971986
I'm sure there are some married reppers who have understanding wives, although it might not be many. Being understanding of it is not the same as encouraging it though. idk i'm just a hopeful fool in many ways

>>41972025
Oh sweetie of course I still love you... You're my wonderful handsome husband: the man of my dreams. This changes nothing because you'll never change and I'll pretend I never heard this.

>>41972059
wholesome 100

I'm just a hopeful person, let daydream. Hope you won't end up trooning out after two, three, kids though.

>>41972092
I just don't see how someone can supposedly love you but only this facade you've erected to hide your true self.
I dated a girl once who figured it out for herself and was supportive and advocated for me to transition. These people are dating some soulless self absorbed thing who can't love anything just like a cis woman married to a gay man in the 90s oblivious to everything.

Women can't be AGP right?

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>>41971740
I thought that face looked familiar, when I saw the name above it confirmed my suspicions.

>>41972163
probably, you can see them perform for the camera and immediately revert to a deadpan expression afterwards because it's only external gratification they seek

>>41972171
That face looks comic and it's not helping

>>41972186
I just fetishist then
I guess I love to fetishize myself in every possible way
how do I stop that
I can't

my non-transitioning nonbinary friend keeps telling me to transition

>>41972134
people love their perception of you, not you as a whole being which includes your private thoughts and desires. Personally, i can't blame someone for breaking up when it turns out their partner was radically different than the idea they had of them. It sucks, but imo pretty understandable. Maybe they'll accept their new perception of you maybe not, up to them. It's not much different than when guys break up with their gf because they found out she was very sexually liberal during her uni days. The woman is not at fault for, in good faith, marrying someone they thought they knew well. There is no obligation for either person to stick together just because "you said you loved me"
>>41972171
British union of fa[homosexuals]

Sounds like a nice girl you dated, how come you didn't follow their advice?

>>41972309
Based

>>41972383
elaborate

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>>41971728
uh yeah like that's why we're here...

>>41962505
6'3 :(
somewhat offset by a not very masculine face but I still have wide shoulders nonetheless.

>>41972393
should Kate be my tranny name
i'm white if that matters

>>41972391
Why do you have friends even? Having it's pretty gay actually

>>41972478
if i ever run out of friends i will kill myself

>>41972329
I pretty much did, but wanted to do so at my own pace and that caused tension. I was taking hrt and voice training a little but she thought of it like I could finally be my true self whereas I felt like I had to build a new me from scratch if that makes sense?
We just sort of drifted apart after awhile. She had a gf after me, then a guy, then settled on a woman afaik.

>>41972495
>if i ever run out of friends i will kill myself

I don't believe in friendship or love. And you can't just kill yourself. Do you have gun or something? Who's going to post here and making billionaires happy?

>>41971928
Yes but I waited way too long to tell them
>>41972059
This was pretty much the reaction especially the pretend she never heard part
>>41972134
There is barely any facade i probably would act similar even if I trooned out when I should have, im just a weird spergy guy with a lot of energy. The only difference would be how I dress on occasion and erectile dysfunction, but yeah its amazing how little anyone knows about this stuff. I would explain it to people, but im incapable of talking about it sober or even a regular level of drunk.
>>41972329
That is the risk of love. Good love is built brick by brick over a lifetime. Young love is bullshit

>>41972450
>Kate
No it's sounds racist like Erica

May or Kay best names ever or something like that

>>41972593
>Kay
Who the fuck are you, King Arthur's brother?

>>41972449
Wide shoulders, while annoying, is not the end imo.
>>41972450
Not the worst, most important is that you like the sound of it. Prepare to be called Katie though
>>41972500
life's hard, it sounds like a ok nice ending though, hope you're well. When i was 23 an irl tranner tried to get me to transition, but one night i denied it so hard she ended up cutting contact with me. Now hates me gutts. Really don't make life easy for myself lol.
>>41972566
>its amazing how little anyone knows about this stuff.
Reppers are thee odd ones out in LGBT, don't really belong to others and kinda like ghosts. Would be nice if people could talk about it beyond "Just take your pills, girl" or "wow you're insane and/or a pervert"

>>41972617
>Who the fuck are you
I'm ghost actually

>>41962331
Waow she's literally me except I don't have güñ

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>>41972593
wtf how does Kate sound racist?

Also the song Erika came out years before the war and was only co-opted by the Germans for propaganda purposes. the song it's self doesn't really have anything that bad in it. it's just about how some guys misses this girl named Erika

>>41972767
Erica or Kate it's not like Elsa or Eliza. Before our after doesn't matter just proved my points.

>>41972679
No, I went on to boymode for years before a serious attempt at transitioning socially but then I crashed out and detransitioning for a few years. Now I just hrt rep or manmode and it's miserable.
She was cis but I sort of had the same thing happen with a trans ldr gf. When she met up and acted like I was a woman it just upset me and I ghosted her as soon as she returned home.
I think with trans women a reluctance to transition comes across as internalised transphobia more than anything so it's as though you're insulting them or trans people generally? Maybe it comes across like you're lying too though; that it's something you don't have to commit to which is belittling

>>41972820
>Eliza
Can't help but imagine Eliza Thornberry and her giant peanut head desu.

>>41972450
have some class, kate is a porn or pet name

>>41972883
Kek

>>41969540
Oh no I am amab just extremely mentally ill

i dont enjoy existing

>>41972902
Its a perfectly fine name. I would of used it until my parents decided to name my baby sister it lol... thinking they did it on purpose (I was out to them for a while and ot was my chosen name then but then i went back into the closet)

>>41972767
>Erika Lane Kirk (née Frantzve; born November 20, 1988) is an American businesswo

Idk maybe it's sounds racist because of my view

This site don't allow me post pictures everytime I clean history ;(

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yesterday i went outside to buy some stuff and get a haircut, came back 2 hours later exhausted, overwhelmed and very irritable due to being in close proximity of other humans and constantly hearing loud sounds, and the only thing that could calm me down was listening to music i could dissociate to.
how common is being an actual sperg in repgen? i feel like it's getting worse the older i get, and repping on top of this feels like a league of its own.

>>41972495
dw you won't
t. no friends, still here

>>41972593
>>41972902
weird coincidence cause it was gonna be Kate or Erika
i have permission to use Erika

>>41973034
that's a really weird thing for your parents to do

>>41973034
Kate is a nickname for Caitlin or Katherine. I don't think trannies should allow themselves to take pet names tbhon it's fine for your sister but you chose it for yourself so it's like why are you trying to be cutesy about it

sometimes I get the urge to pick an extremely clocky name like luna or june or something

>>41973052
People in general are detestable.

>>41973052
>how common is being an actual sperg in repgen
i think its more common than we might think but thats mostly because i reckon the chan attracts us
>t. sperg

I was going to take an uncommon old name for mine but I had tried a conventional woman's name prior and solicitors said they couldn't sign off on a name change if it was a woman's... So I never tried again and they saved me from having a weird norse-gaelic name no one could pronounce

>>41972879
Are you the same poster from yesterday who found comfort in that they at least "tried" the trans experience, but now is back to repping?

> acted like I was a woman it just upset me
You have no idea how relatable that is. In a way i found it nice, she even had me dressing fem (inside) a few times, but it just all felt so plastic and i dunno, not uncomfortable, but i was uncomfortable with myself and as if i shouldn't be doing such (feeling of guilt?).

>you're insulting them or trans people generally?
In my case it was a little of everything. She wanted a relationship, i couldn't see myself as such but ended up agreeing because she asked me out of nowhere. It didn't last long, soon broke up and i wanted to stay friends. She agreed, but still had feelings. At one point when we were at a bar, some drunk girl flirted with me (i did not flirt back), tranner did not like that.
At one point she started ghosting me, i spammed her until i got an answer which was something like "i can't deal with my feelings, etc. Also you remind me too much of how i used to be"
Was just bad upon worse, which is unfortunate because i genuinely liked her but did not want the sex and things like that.

The greatest irony in it, is that i probably would have ended up transitioning if we had stayed friends. I found her a nice and supporting person. But what i did not like, was the constant pushing directly and indirectly for me to transition, it felt very uncomfortable and as if everything should go according to what she thought was best and asap. Given time, i likely would've been more open to it, i just needed to take things at my own pace and slowly learn to accept myself.

"then she was right all along", i don't know, maybe? At that point everything felt so overwhelming and i didn't know where i stood with myself and if i even wanted it, and if i even was allowed to want it. I don't blame her for anything, i made my own bed.

>>41972993
That's ok. You should find a pooner bf and dress up like poonboys together

Fuck it, I'm done repping, I'm done with this thread.

>>41973303
good luck nona

I'm not a trve repper but I like reading the posts here. I relate to the self loathing and partially to the desire to be a woman. I oscillate between wanting to be more masculine and hating myself for being masculine. I want to be a woman but I also want to be a man. I am a freak so I like reading the posts here so thank you for posting.

>>41968920
>psych yourself up to be a man, get pumped
>wake up to go wage for your bosses who wage for the shareholders until you're dead
>even if you work your way up what are you going to do with that money? are you ready and willing to inflict suffering on everyone below you?
>no other benefits of being a man, your strength means nothing in the face of the law, firearms, actual power of the state, you're literally just a little cog to them
there's no reason to even be a man anymore, nothing to even achieve in this dying sinful world, there's no cope left

kind of want to forcibly masculinize a cis woman so she knows my pain

>>41973347
women take T for fun. you are masculine because of your socialisation and you can never socialise a woman to be male

>>41973347
wasnt there this big thing of cis women taking diy testosterone for sex / libido purposes and experiencing dysphoria about the other characteristics coming about from what was essentially transition but the whole thing was presented as a massive win for women or something

>>41973375
why would anyone find this fun

>>41973303
<3

>>41973309
Thanks, I know this is kinda bad to admit but I've been on and off here since I was like 16 and recently I turned 19, I know I'm probably one of the younger people here but it just gotten to a point where if I wait any longer then I'm going to regret it more and more, I want to feel like a person for once

Suffering

>>41973312
Will you join a gym after newyears, and then abandon it after some months?

have a lot of people here picked out names for if they transitioned? I'd tried to work one out that would match what my parents named my siblings but never got anywhere
>>41973052
I sorta assumed everyone here was a sperg to a degree. I don't/didn't think I had it that bad and then I went to a sensory day at a museum on accident and noticed how much better my brain worked.
>>41973303
>>41973394
congrats :) especially at your age I'm sure it'll work out. it only gets worse from here repping

>>41973394
you should desu, if not on E then at least AA so you don't masc more. 19 turns into 29 quickly if you don't watch out, just saying.

>>41973394
>want to feel like a person for once

If your height is lower than 5.9, this is not possible. Sorry to break it for you.

>>41973444
I'm 5'8 and nevwe felt anything towards my height
>>41973438
Yeah, admittedly I was watching a youtube video and saw a tranny so ugly that I got so dysphoric and couldn't take it anymore, I'll be damm if I let myself get to their level (it's ciblesGD)
>>41973434
Thanks, I've known I was like this since I was like 14 but there's quite literally no trans healthcare in the UK, plus I was hurt for looking too gay before, it's why I repped so hard but I just can't do it anymore

>>41973735
One of my online friends many years agosaid the same thing. When they were 17 they saw such an ugly "creature" online that they asap started on e.

You're not getting younger, wish i could've told myself that at 19. But nothing to cry about, as always, the march goes on until we fall over, either by time or by ourselves. huzzah!

>>41973303
Godspeed nonny.

>>41973735
honestly best of luck nona im glad for your sake that youve got more balls than me :)
just be careful, keep your head screwed on, and for the love of god don't pursue intimacy if you can help it

>>41973735
>I'm 5'8 and nevwe felt anything towards my height

And you posting here not because you are a fuking creep. Yeah sure.

>>41973229
Yeah, that was me.
I mainly felt shame and doubt about her authenticity. I took every affirmation as mockery and unfortunately she said things that encouraged it.
>omg how are you this cute when you haven't had ffs
>my gf is such a passer
I genuinely thought she must be trying to harass me by documenting how gullible I was to her friends and kept thinking about how absurd the situation was.
I did love the affirmation, though, which really made everything worse. I wished it was true so badly.
My cis ex just felt pushy but it was easier to shrug off an afab I think and I had just started things so I was more humorous and a little giddy with euphoria too. We argued a lot but it felt like an awkward position rather than this existential dread. Oh, please don't call me your gf I've only been on hrt for six months Vs don't call me your gf I know I'm a man and no length of time on hrt can change that.
>at my own pace and slowly learn to accept myself
I think that's a cope. I socially transitioned because I decided I would end my life otherwise. Prior to that I went at my own pace alone and didn't end up anywhere different. It's supposed to be uncomfortable and forced like falling off the first bicycle you rode or missing every note on the first song you played.
I mean, we're all repping for a reason I guess and I can't say it worked for me but yknow

>>41973735
ok i checked out the person you mentioned. I tend to try not to be rude, but god was brutal when giving that face, and she's only 22. Was over for her before it ever began

>>41973735
>ciblesGD
that's a regular ass man

>>41973379
libido, muscle gain, body hair
women take a low t steroid commonly enough nowadays and some are openly dosing nb ftm lesbians or whatever
men aren't just hormonal levels you need a decade or more of that influencing your life alongside a brutalising socialization from birth that only reinforces it
women literally will never be men

>>41973971
Nice seeing you again.

>I genuinely thought she must be trying to harass me
I get where you're coming from, i'd have been suspicious too. Maybe she did mean it kindly, but buttering someone up that much, which something they know you are unsure about, does come off strangely.
Do cis women accept such pretty ok? i think i'd rather be found dead in a ditch than tell my ex cis gf my repper thoughts. Pooners though have been very accepting.

>I think that's a cope
yeah, it probably was. i don't know, i'm just sorta stupid in that regard. Always afraid of something new, a change. Been like that since i was a child, annoyed my parents god knows how often by never being able even to pick a flavour icecream.

I need to become more spontaneous, do things even if i regret them later.
Considering buying hrt and trying it for 2026, just to see what it's like physically. I won't go social though.
Do you have any DiY advice?

Going to sleep now, it's way to late. Only just noticed lol

>>41974084
why won't you let me have any joy in life

>41974005
>41974006
>>41973848
I know right? I'm usually rude but holy shit I don't know if I despise them or pity them, I've always been under the idea that I should earn the right to be called a women and I don't think he'll ever reach it, harsh but it's what I believe
>>41973952
Don't get me wrong, I wish I was a bit shorter but otherwise height have never been something I thought about much, I've met and known plenty of girls that was taller than me
>>41973865
>>41973909
Thanks, better to try to be myself over dying as who I am now I guess

>>41966543
>>41966612
i don't understand why you reppers don't just manmode and do laser. I thought you people were supertall neverpassers?
just keep your hair short, anamode to hinder tit development - and people won't suspect stuff
>inb4 what will the laser technician lady think
who cares? is she in your social circle? plus don't kid yourselves, most people already think you guys are kinda weird and/or fruity

>>41974414
> don't kid yourselves, most people already think you guys are kinda weird and/or fruity
i like being reminded of this truth, it helps me to take myself less seriously

>>41974414
>anymode to hinder tit development
What does this mean?

>>41974518
stay slim by not eating much

why won't you go back in time to groom me

>>41974414
always a chance I go back to fully dissociated or at least more fine with myself at some point, manmoding gives that up
also i have such bad binges anamoding is out of the question

I HATE HAVING FACIAL HAIR

WHY AM I USING MY SHITTY HOME LASER IN HOPES THAT IT'LL MAKE IT GO AWAY

>>41974414
This is my current plan honestly, but I'm a bit worried about the trajectory of it. It was
>I'll never engage with it and I can live with it
Then
>Okay I can't take this I'm doing these femboy body exercises, growing my hair out, and keeping clean shaven at all times.
Now it's
>Okay I can't take this I'm going to take E and do laser, I can just manmode right?
Who's to say next it won't be
>Okay I can't take this I HAVE to honmode now and be my authentic self
?

>>41974737
it's okay to figure it out as you go nona
trust yourself <3

>>41974720
You think that's bad? I'm a redhead so I have to do electrolysis!

>>41974414

Laser and long hair. I've always been a metalhead so everyone always knew me with a long hair anyway.
To the outside world, I just shave well.

Still thinking of trying HRT for the smoother skin.

>>41974737

Who is to say it will be? At 39 I've been repping for more than some of you have been alive.
Besides, the journey can be somewhat enjoying.
I get trade-offs, I really do. But goddamn it at some point there has to come a moment when we live for ourselves a little bit too.

manmoders have occupied this thread and they call themselves "hrt reppers". it's over repchads. absolutely over. they even invaded our own space

>>41974737
>Who's to say next it won't be
who's to say you won't do it out of desperation caused by long-term repping like boomerhons usually do?
manmoding is a better long-term solution because it eases body dysphoria, this whole "i'm gonna thug it out" doesn't last forever, just like dissociation doesn't

>>41974993
>manmoding is a better long-term solution because it eases body dysphoria

Yes, but manmoding in itself is rarely enough. Trying out some changes (long hair, some shaving, maybe some femcoded activities) helped me a lot for decades now.

I'm sure it doesn't work on everyone, but by god not even trying is worse.

>this whole "i'm gonna thug it out" doesn't last forever, just like dissociation doesn't

I wish someone had told me that at 17. Would've helped a lot.
I'm a lot more regretful of the things I did during that phase of trying to thug it out than about not trooning then (it wouldn't have been possible anyway).

>you can't just thug it out
That's all you can do until you commit harakiri.

>>41974960
Truhe

>>41974960
idk man every time i've opened mmg it looks somehow worse than here so i don't blame them

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does enbycoping work for male reppers?

>>41975460
Enbycoping is just alternative boymoding.

any of you guys watch heated rivalry? god they're so hot

>start taking adderall/bupropion
>dick stops working even when horny
>in the unlikely event it gets half-mast I bust in seconds
one more crack in the shell...

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Is it AGP if I still want to be a woman during the post-nut clarity?

>>41976257
no that's being trans

>>41976257
Nope.
In fact, especially if you STILL want it then (when the body gets a huge upshot of testosterone), it's another strong indicator you are trans.
It's what makes repping so hard :(
I love my wife, but goddamn it

>>41975460
enbys dont look like that, they look like weird freaks

>>41974812
im a decade younger than you and desu at this point im like, i already lost 10 years of my adulthood not really being the way i want to be, so what does it matter anymore. why would i want to become woman at 40? its basically already over.

>>41975460
Men don't look like this. That's just a woman with a flat chest

>>41975460
I want to look like this

>>41976318
If you don't have kids and you aren't married, just get on with it now. By 34 you will either have made it or at least get a definitive answer and some positive effects.

Imma go ahead with it in 2026 for my own amusement. Kids are old enough, wife is kinky enough... if I ever get to the stage where I can't boymode anymore, that will be when both kids are over 18 so I won't be harming them.

I regret not trying 10 years ago, but at least I can excuse it because it would've been an undue burden on the kids.

It's a lie that "it's never too late", however, at 29 it's really not too late at all.
You miss 100% of the chances you don't take.

>>41975460
Only if you rich or nepobaby*
You can choose any cope actually

>open xitter
>passing trans girl
>passing trans girl
>gay twink who isn't on hrt but inexplicably looks like a girl
>clocky trans girl with happiness in her eyes
>passing trans girl
nothing i do lets me escape

>>41976612
That's why I sandbox. So the cookies don't poison the whole thing.

"Portable" browsers are not really complicated to set up. Have one of those for troon stuff.

Anyone else get a weird sense of fear, jealousy, and despair when they see straight sex
I've had sex but never really enjoyed it because I'm an AGP bottom and wish I was the girl all the time
Particularly in media that isn't even porn. With women moaning and clearly enjoying themselves. I think it's because I'll never be in that situation in the way I want

>>41974414
>just manmode and do laser
I'm poor as shit. Right now I have no income aside from what my parents give me. So no hrt for me and especially no laser
>anamode
If it was this easy to loose weight I would do it long fucking time ago. Lost a lot in 2020 but gained it all back since then. I stress eat and also did significant amount of phisical labour at my previous job so that didn't help.
>I thought you people were supertall neverpassers?
I am 5'11, but I am very wide. Even when thin. My head is freakish for a man. Girl I once dated was visibly shocked when she seen me irl and said she didn't realise my head would be that big

>>41977092
Occasionally. But it goes away after a week or two. I used to bury myself in work when that happened and just tell me wife I'm exhausted.
But a few years ago I introduced her to kink (yay! pegging) and to dildoing on the wall.
It's not much, but it helped a lot.

how do i start

>>41977092
I mentally separate sex from the rest of my life. During sex I don't think much about dysphoria. It hits me during the rest of the day

>>41976526
i would never have kids or get married, im a failed male. that kind of stuff is impossible for me. i literally am a repressing agp tranny, i have no clue how you have sustained a masculine identity to have a wife and kids.

>>41975460
Because society doesn't accept men not being conventionally masculine. When I had long hair without being a metalhead it was enough to be classified as "gay" and bullied over it. If society sees you as a man there is no halfway solution. You either go all in or not at all.
Except if you are rich or nepobaby. Then you can kind of do whatever you want to. And then all the power to you

Avoiding looking in mirrors at all costs.

Anyone else look at trans women on twitter etc.. as a form of self harm knowing you will never look like them no matter what?

>>41977751
Ye.... At least other people are happy. I suffer so they can be happy. It keeps the balance.

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>>41977197
...Start repressing? Why?

>>41962144
i'm fat and ugly

>>41974414
Because repping is illogical as a whole, and to a large degree sabotage to prevent self action. It's difficult for tranners to understand
>>41977197
You do nothing

any hikikomori reppers here?

>>41977790
this bitch a Circle

>>41974768
i should do electro as well i'm just too scared to go

How has dating life been for you reppers?
Mine hasn't been that exciting

>>41978623
I don't date. kissless virgin at 32

>>41978501
get on the waitlist now and you'll prob be over ur fear in 4 years when its ur turn

I am a repper but also I need to have yaoi sex with a chubby loser gamer who's 10 years my senior. I would ignore my GD for thiz. If anyone has seen the lacryboy (iirc) image of just some fat guy nothing more nothing less (wish I still had that image saved...). I want to fuck a guy like him. I want to suck his cock so hard he loses focus and dies in the Dark Souls 2 game he is playing. I want him to fuck my arse. I want to grope his tummy and ass and make out with him until the sun comes up. But as a repper I will never have this, no.

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>>41978662
Is it because you don't feel like it, or because the thought of it is exhausting?
>>41978819
Do you want to fuck bubble bass?

>>41978865
Yeh but just a bit cuter than that lol

>>41978745
anon i might not go to a dentist because i'm scared of having a cavity and telling the oral surgeon i take estrogen or that i'm going to die during extraction i can't do laser
>waitlist
for electro?

>>41978938
yes every electro place is booked a few years out, lmk if u find one in pnw that isnt rofl

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>>41978910
Just found the image. I would go feral for him

>>41978910
Interesting. Try card shops or anime, comic, conventions. The overweight unwashed masses are often to be found there, and they tend to be pretty progressive. Try cutesying up and see if you can hook a bass

>>41978950
>yes every electro place is booked a few years out,
wtf literally every one or just in your city

>>41979057
i checked every one in oregon that takes OHP

>>41979029
omg i'd just want to sit in his lap and play with his hair

why couldnt i realize sooner

>>41980269
Realizing sooner doesn't help if you're a coward/idiot and fall for right-wing talking points like I did.

>>41977389
I was good at repping. At 21 I was in fact sure I "grew out of it". And in a way, it wasn't exactly false.
But then it hit me 10 times harder by 30.
It helped that I went into tech, where being weird(er) wasn't an issue. Also, my wife isn't exactly the most normie either.

>>41962144
Doesn't that image also reflect the notion of transbians when cis lesbians have genital preference?

>>41980321
what pulled you out of that pipeline?

>>41980569
I was always uncomfortable with them blaming trans people for everything and treating them like they're innately monstrous, which is a rhetoric that's been ramping up recently. That combined with aging just made me unable to take it anymore. It's not like I didn't know I had GD, but I thought I was "one of the good ones" for not transitioning, for repping. The hostility though reached a point where I had to re-examine where it was coming from and the (lack of) logic to it, and dealing with the fact that I'm over 30 now and NEVER let myself, you know, be myself at all, has made me empty and miserable. I finally accepted that self-denial to please others and chase some false ideal of morality is completely insane and that I would've been far happier if I had been who I wanted to be instead of what was expected or 'correct.' I also, obviously, accepted that the trans panic shit is insane when they started attacking and wishing death on trans teens and the like, I could no longer self-justify it as "Well they're just going after hons/people making fools of themselves/being perverts." No, they hate us no matter what.

>>41980473
Same bro. I was complete and content at 21

if i'll always be a disgusting gorillahon why would I even bother trying to transition
some people were made to be tall manly freaks and i'm one of them

>>41980714
Kids are now older. So I am giving HRT a chance.
At best, I won't be able to manmode in a few years when they'll be adults.
At worst, I find out it's not for me and at least I get a definitive answer.

But goddamn it i'm just done with repping.

>>41978157
sort of but not really because i leave the house twice a week to buy alcohol

>>41966612
>The one i sometimes talk to lets me vent about it, is understanding, and doesn't come with the cheap "just do it anyway" type of answers.
Sounds like you're already a woman, hon

I want a repressor to fuck me hard into my neopussy with all his male rage about never having been able to transition, throwing me around with his strong male body and generaly fucking my soft female body hard.

>>41982057
I can think of nothing more dysphoria inducing as a repper than this scenario.

>>41982269
Hatefuck me, daddy

>>41982057
i'm tragically submissive so i don't want to fuck anyone

Sometimes I think "why me of all people" "what are the chances", but i guess if none of my friends are like this the chances would be strong that id be the one

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>balding
>6"
>caveman-tier brow ridge
>large hands
>even larger ribcage
It's good to know I would be a walking talking caricature if I trooned out.

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>How "frame doesn't matter so long as your face passes" mfers look IRL

>>41983031
Not balding (long hair actually; metalhead). 169cm. Mid-tier hands. Androgynous face.

We'll see past 2026. Even if I still fair, at least I want to know. Fuck repping.

>>41982057
what's your height? I might be tempted, lol.
But I'm not too tall so I might not be able to throw you around.

It is perfectly normal for a straight cis man to get phantom pussy tingles from looking at lesbian porn/yuri hentai.

>>41983670
Correct

>>41962300
pretty easy, people here got skill issues

>>41983838
Sure thing, Larissa.

repgen server
yF3Hm7XWPn

I just wish I didn't have AGP
how do you live with this

>>41984705
masturbate

>>41984739
I can't it just reminds me of the kind of sex I'll never have

>>41985136
masturbation is amazing chill tf out and enjoy it
it's fun, safe and doesn't hurt or exploit anyone
we have all of the porn and toys and leisure time in the world to enjoy it in 2025
it's the superior form of sex and yet everyone's cuckolding themselves out of it because shame
masturbate you fool

>>41985588
>i have the illness that makes it nearly impossible to masturbate without wanting to kill myself
>okay but have you considered masturbating
anon what the fuck

>>41984739
how do you guys jerk off anyways? i heard doing it prone is very common among trannies and reppers for some reason.

>>41985948
I rub the head of my dick with my fingers like i'm doing a dj record scratch

>>41985983
>D-D-DJ REP CHAD
>DAMN SON WHERE'D YOU FIND THIS

>>41985588
none of that has anything to do with why I don't want to

>have nearly ideal male bone structure
>wants to be girly
why why why I don't understand god is genuinely just fucking with us why

>>41985948
I don't jerk off. That's for boys.
I rub my clitty. I use vibrators. And try to cum while limp (getting really good at it actually).

Got myself a nice fufu clip. Vibrating through that is another universe of experience.
With the occasion I introduced my wife into more use of toys in the bedroom.

I want to learn to hit the wall. We'll see how that goes.

t. repper

>>41986372
Same most men would kill to look like me, and im just feminine enough to make repping an uphill battle

>>41986639
repping is the hard mode for everyone - but especially for those of us not ugly. Because everyone expects us not to troon under the assumption that life is already easier because we're not ugly.

The reality is, as you'll find out, exactly the opposite.

t. longtime repper ready to start HRT because I got tired

>>41986638
tf wi wrong with you

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>>41986639
>Ogre-hon thinks he's hot shit

>>41976612
They're everywhere :( I've tried to escape but it's futile
The only way to win is not to play...

>>41975076
>Yes, but manmoding in itself is rarely enough
it really sint
i came out to my family but not at work and w/e and its eating me alive
i almost wish i never trooned out at all...
thankfully i dont have to worry about semi-passing with how uggo i am

>>41972450
call urself cahterine or katrina or kaitlyn or some shit use kate as your short name
sounds way more legit

>>41973303
fuck OFF you dont need to announce this shit you fucking attention whore
it makes it lots harder to rep when you lot LOUDLY talk about how ur gonna troon like the rest of us wont get PTSD-style triggered from that shit
fucking kys

>>41986699
>i almost wish i never trooned out at all...

I'm the anon you're replying to.
You can always stop/desist. And go back to the emptiness of repping.

But since I spent so much time in that emptiness, at this point i feel i have nothing to lose. Even the worst failure of trooning would still bring some minuscule improvement.

Maybe I'm not the best example. But I'm pretty sure in another decade examples like mine will become a lot more common.

Repping works until it doesn't. It worked literally decades for me.
At some point you get tired.

I can't do this anymore I keep trying to gamble and drink my sorrows away and I'm going broke I'll end up on the streets (and subsequently lose my job) if I continue
I picked the worst coping mechanisms imaginable and every day I wish someone would run me over

>>41986670
I'm a repper. Which means there is already something wrong with me.

But why exactly is it wrong to enjoy and improve my masturbation habits and my sex life with my partner?

Y'all are your own worst enemies sometimes, for real.

>>41986679
Nah twinkhon material nig

>>41986779
if i never trooned out i would be happy with my ignorant bliss
if i never knew trooning out was an option i would never know what could be
its an infohazard

>>41986819
>if i never knew trooning out was an option i would never know what could be

I wanted to be a girl at age 7. I learned trans exists at age 19. Couldn't troon out even if I wanted to then (literally not option in my country at the time).

It may not be the case with you, nona, but there's a lot of us slightly older for whom this has been an issue long before we had the vocabulary for it. And it's a survivor bias too.

I survived and even thrived (ish). Not so with my half sister. Or another repper I knew in my 20s who never knew "trans" is a thing. Just wanted to be a woman until he couldn't take it anymore.

Yes, we're wired wrongly. Yes, there's constraints of reality and yes we shouldn't delude ourselves. But goddamn it not even trying is worse. And I have decades of personal experience in that.

>its an infohazard

I actually agree with you more generally.
But then again all knowledge is to a certain extent an infohazard.
The advances in atomic knowledge led to the atomic bomb but also cheap and abundant energy.

Trade-offs. We (as humans) will learn how to handle this too, eventually.

i think everyone has a certain phenotype and that mostly determines what is possible for you. i look like a scarecrow. the idea of trooning is so embarassing, its like when a speedrunner troons out, everyone just thinks how sad for them and hopes they will snap out of it.

>>41986880
>I knew in my 20s who never knew "trans" is a thing. Just wanted to be a woman until he couldn't take it anymore.
i never had words for my condition i was just depressed, never even thought about being a woman just jealous of them
im probably not even trans i probably just picked the label as copium for being a disgusting failedmale
im a fucking trender

Next thread: >>41986907

>>41986899
>when a speedrunner troons out

Jenner exists. Just saying.

i am genuinely so ugly, i am sick of seeing attractive people be happy, i hate them so much, i wish the worst on them forever.

>>41986880
>Yes, we're wired wrongly. Yes, there's constraints of reality and yes we shouldn't delude ourselves. But goddamn it not even trying is worse. And I have decades of personal experience in that.

This I can totally agree with.
I know I am unwell, and can never be what I want to be, but goddamn it still hurts.

Calling it an infohazard is very apt. I knew since I was 6-8 that I wanted to be a girl, but didn't say anything, I didn't think there was any point because I believed it would be pointless. I still think it would be futile but have to convince my self of that fact every bloody day.

We are cursed to live like this, wondering if it would be any different if we never knew.