>>41999387
damn thats wild, you were just coded gay from conception or something. i got raped when i was 6 and even i still touched my dick first as a teen

>>41999395
You remember being raped though?

I’ve heard it’s possible to totally forget it ever happening. I don’t feel like nor do I remember that ever happening. But could that be the explanation?

I ended up losing my virginity at 14 to a pilot I met on Craigslist. I told him I was 18 and he picked me up at midnight outside my house, drove me to a hotel, came in my ass and brought me back home. Lucky I don’t get murdered.

>>41999387
I guess some people are just made to be bottoms. Like, my first forms of masturbations were also anally. My first memories of that were when I was sitting on a chair, placed a pen at the edge of a seat and raise it to push against the pants up my ass.
And no, I was never molested, no one ever took advantage of me and it stayed this way to this day thankfully.

>>41999387
test

>>41999581
I don't talk about this a lot. But it is true that you can forget if you were raped as a child. It happened to me when I was 7, and I disassociated and eventually erased the memory. There was physical evidence of it (I had many accidents and couldn't poop properly for like a year afterward not from the emotional damage). And at first I remembered but wouldn't tell anyone. I was too scared of how they would react, even my parents. And then a couple years of self-loathing and self-harm went by and I was able to convince myself it didn't happen. I remember how I did that now too. I was always a smart kid. By the time I was 10, I had that memory locked away and the memories I had around it were missing pieces.

I started to get fragments of memories back only a couple years ago. I've always been one to value the truth over all else. And that's ironic given what I know now. But at the time, I wouldn't rest until I uncovered the truth of those memories. I won't go into all the details, but over those couple of years I would peel away the locks I put in place and each time I would have a wave of intense emotions of humiliation and shame and worthlessness. I have since learned that I was, and still am, experiencing a form of PTSD, although graciously it's all the emotional experience of the rape instead of the memory itself. And eventually about 1 month ago I unlocked that core memory of the rape, and all the pieces fell into place. I was drugged enough to not remember the details, but it seeped into my subconscious and destroyed my ability to trust others.

Continued (1/2)

>>41999711
I used to rub my ass against the corners of chairs because it felt good lol. And now I love taking dick. Also never been molested or anything.

>>41999767
Continued (2/2)

My entire life, I haven't let anyone touch me sexually b/c I never dealt with those feelings of humiliation and shame. It's only now that I remember that I can understand those feelings are from my 7 year old self and that I never dealt with back then. I want to change and connect with someone, but I'm now about 40 (trying not to dox). I'm in therapy and trying to work through it. It feels like it's too late now because I'm older and alone and still insecure. And I still get PTSD flashes from my triggers. The PTSD makes me feel like I'm a kid again. The emotions are so intense. It's a lot of baggage to lay on someone. I just need to be held and told I matter.

If it happened to you, then please know that it wasn't your fault, that you're not ruined, and that you deserve love too. And I believe that intellectually. I know it's true. But it's very, very hard for me to accept it about myself, to grok it. If you think it did happen, you should seek therapy and have help uncovering any lost memories. I did it all on my own and I think it was a lot more painful that way.

Good luck to you and God bless. I will pray for you, even if you don't believe in God. I know God believes in you.

>AI slop
kys, this isn't linkedin

>>41999781
Sorry to lay such heavy shit on you, OP. It helps me to talk about it anonymously. Probably should have included a trigger warning too.

>>41999872
No worries on the heavy shit, glad I could help you get it out anon. That’s terrible you had to go through that.

It does make me wonder, I know there was a period of time when I was in elementary school, around 4th grade that I had serious problems pooping also. Like constipated and stomach aches. Kinda out of no where. Makes me wonder if there is any correlation.

I have large swaths of my memories that I can’t recall with out talking to people that remember those times that can give me pieces. I don’t even remember where I was living at the time. I’ll have to ask family and friends to figure out if there could have been someone in my life that could have done that to me.

>>41999932
That sounds familiar, to be honest. You might want to dance around the topic to gain more information first, rather than flatly asking family if they know someone that might have done it. The man that did it to me was a close family friend at the time, and they never would have suspected. Thankfully they lost touch decades ago. They still don't know either, because I haven't told anyone except my younger sister and my therapist. So your family may not suspect anyone, and they may also explain away bizarre signs of abuse because they don't want it to be true.

If you have old photos of people you knew from the ages you have trouble remembering, then you could try that. When I finally found a photo of the man I heavily suspected, that was when I knew it was true. One look at his face triggered the most intense PTSD episode I've ever had. I curled up into a ball and cried. I'm a former competitive kickboxer and jujitsu athlete, and there I was regressing to a kid. It's not pleasant at all, so please just be careful.

>>41999581
yea i remember it. some people get the whole, idk, victim amnesia, but i remember basically everything up until after talking to the police / child social worker. losing your virginity the way you did is really rough :c but odds are you havent been touched if you have 0 memory. ive seen people on the adultsurvivors reddit (from my pov) psy-op themselves into thinking they were abused which, ive never understood. you have no memory of any abuse? awesome. live your life. being raped ruins you in a very real way once you realize the gravity of the violation, so even if something did happen, and you have 0 memory of it, dont dig. dont pry. no repressed memory hypnosis. live your life.

>>42000079
Unfortunately, the truth is that for those of us that have repressed those memories (or disassociated from them, as I did. I literally thought they happened to someone else), the emotional damage has already been done. It impacted my life deeply and fucked up any chance I had at a real connection with someone beyond just platonic. It's only now that I understand WHY I have all these problems that I can start to move past it. If I didn't wait until I was so much older to go through this, as hard as it may be, then I would be in a far better position to recover. I know now that I wouldn't be alone today if I had just figured this out like 20 years ago. But I didn't. So all I can do now if do my best, and to share my story so others will hopefully not fuck up and make things worse like I did.

>>42000111
Sorry. Didn't mean to speak in absolutes. I should have said:

>he truth is that for SOME of us that have repressed those memories

I can't speak to everyone's experience. I'm sure CSA would have some effect on you, even if you forget it. But not everyone will have the profound impact that I did. I'm too sensitive, I think. Always was. If someone truly doesn't feel like they have anything holding them back in their life from their goals or their happiness, then do what they feel is right even if it's to avoid remembering. I can only share my personal experience, not speak for others.

>>41999387
it's okay lots of boys are bottoms
lots of them transition nowadays but you don't have to though

>>42000079
Yeah I honestly have no idea to some extent why I wanted to get fucked. I had crushes on girls at the time but hadn’t kissed one and didn’t really fantasize about them. I just liked being around them.

I was on Craigslist looking to get fucked, I had/have zero interest in topping. And met a banker on there too who picked me up a few times until I was 16. Then kinda stopped trying to meet guys for a few years.

But after that I was essentially straight in day to day life and always presented as such. Dated some girls and had sex with them. But have always craved to be submissive and bottom.

>>42000183
Yeah I’m transitioning now, part of me just thinks I was always subconscious more feminine and knew that woman got penetrated and that’s potentially why I played with myself in that way first.

Honestly have no idea, it’s the main reason I proposed the question.

>>42000957
You should boymode for as long as possible if your main motivation for transitioning is sexual.
Sorry to be blunt, but those like you are usually the slowest to adopt femininity. Not a big issue per se but not being aware of it harms you and those around you.
You can do it. I'm rooting for you.

>>42001029
I appreciate you rooting for me <3
But I’m not really doing it for sexual reasons. I’ve always aligned with femininity but have always been terrified of being judged by everyone around me, so I’ve essentially put up a front my entire life.

I only recently put figured out that I was trans. I’ve always felt life a lost soul up until that point. I feel like I’ve lived my whole life on auto pilot when I look back on it.

>>41999387
You felt the sweet push of a big piece of stool against your prostate when you were like 3 and decided,

hell yeah
I gotta make more stuff fit in there and push on my prostate

>>41999387
same anon. i had even used a tampon. to this day i have never topped or been in anyone and ive had tons of sex ( with men ofc).

>>42002823
Same I used to soak a tampon in hot water and inset the actual tampon in me and have the string hang out when I was a pre-teen

Also used to steal my mom’s vibrator dildo after she went to bed and use it. So terrible looking back but at least I cleaned it well.

I'm so sorry to everyone in this thread that got "diddled." It's fucked up, I hope those bastards burn and that you're able to heal from it enough to be perfectly happy and content in life despite/to spite them.

>>42003688
Oh god is this what being a chaser feels like. The thought of a hot submissive twink or even a femboy with a tampon string hanging out of his ass is doing things to my dick. I don't know shit about tampons, and I know they're not supposed to be erotic given what they're meant to be used for, but now I wonder if there is fetish content out there for this on the hub. I have a mighty need...