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I was openly ftm from a young age, but never made much effort to pass, nor did I seriously entertain the idea of medically transitioning up until I was almost 18 or so. Part of why I gave it so little consideration was that I was holding out for some miracle to happen. I felt so deeply that one day, by some force beyond anyone's comprehension, me and whoever owned this body would finally be put back in our rightful places, so my idea of "transitioning" was more along the lines of a "return". The fact that I managed to make a sizable portion of the people who interacted with me in highschool incapable of associating me with any gender despite me dressing like a Catholic school girl didn't help ground me either. (inb4 someone calls me delusional: Despite everything, I was able to tell when someone clocked me and treated me like a girl.)

I'm in reality now, though. I gathered the clarity towards the end of highschool that this act wasn't sustainable, nor would this miracle happen, even if I don't think I fully accepted it yet. I've been on testosterone for almost 2 years now. I can kinda see myself in the mirror, and it's all I'll ever be able to have.