shes gonna come to hate me because i cant keep myself together thinking of losing her makes me wanna kill myself because shes by far the best thing to ever happen to me, while i have at best been an overall net neutral effect on her life i just want her to call me and text me and reassure me that she loves me and that she wont leave me but i dont think i even deserve that who wants to be with someone who constantly needs to be reassured of your love for them, worse yet things have been bad enough this week that ive finally cracked and started cutting myself again and i know i have to tell her, i promised her in the past that i would whenever i felt the need to or did so but i just know shes gonna be disappointed in me for falling to it again but nothing else other then her visiting has let me be able to lift the fog i hate living like this i cant just lay in bed 20 hours a day while skipping meals and taking my meds late i mean ive been losing my mind that i havent taken my E in nearly 3 weeks, she thinks im fine since ive been taking my cypro but i feel like im going back to the hideous freak that ive always been and soon enough i have to go back to my family for the winter break so il get to have a nice 2 weeks of constantly being misgendered and harassed about my hair or how im dressing and the horrific look my dad has had on his face every time weve been in the same room since i came out i just wanna die so i can skip out on having to experience all of this why couldnt i just have been born a woman why do i have to go through this hell why why why i just wanna be happy and be able to spend my life with her one day but im never gonna be good enough for her and when she finally realizes im more work to maintain then im worth im gonna be alone again1/2
>>420510822/2and il spend the rest of my life trying to fill the void even if it means letting men use my body again and then throwing up once i leave their place i just wish i could be normal that i wasnt a infectious rot to the people i care about and that i could be open about things and not have repped as long as i did but instead i have to try to live like this and not fumble the only good thing (excl transitioning) thats happened to me in years and my only coping mechanism at my worst of times being cutting makes me feel so ashamed why cant i be a smoker or an alcholic OR RIGHT BECAUSE BOTH OF THOSE THINGS REMIND ME THAT IM MY FATHERS SON AND THAT IL NEVER BE A WOMAN YAAAAAY THANKY OU LIFE I LOVE BEING BORN IN A VILLAGE SHITHOLE AND BEING GRANTED GENES THAT ARE JUST ITCHING TO MAKE ME A FAT EASTERN EUROPEAN MAN YAAAAAY I LOVE SEEING HOW MY DAD AND HIS DAD ARE NEAR CLONES OF EACHOTHER AND KNOWING THAT THATS THE FUTURE FOR ME IF TRANSITIONING DOESNT GO WELL OR IF IM FORCED OFF IT BECAUSE I CANT AFFORD MY MEDS AGAIN BECAUSE MY PARENTS REFUSE TO PAY FOR IT SO I HAVE SO SPEND THE MONEY THEY GIVE ME FOR FOOD ON IT INSTEAD YAYAY YAYAYAYAYAYA LIFE IS SO FUN AND AWESOME I LOVE BEING RAISED TO NOT BE ABLE TO OPEN UP EMOTIONALLY TO THE PEOPLE I CARE ABOUT WITHOUT IT TAKING THE LIFE OUT OF ME SO I DO THIS OR VENT ON TWITTER INSTEAD BECAUSE ITS THE ONLY OUTLET I CAN BARE TO USE YAYAYAYAYA I LOVE LIFE I LOVE LIFE I LOVE LIFE!!!!!!!!!
damn just reading this was draining, cant imagine how she feels
>>42051133yeah its pretty doomed for me in the long term, i know im soon enough gonna ruin it im just racing trying to fix myself so i can be good enough for her before that day comes, at least in terms of upside for me i have a bad habit of curling into myself and isolating so she doesnt have to put up with this, but im still scared that itll push her away because of that too, it feels like an impossible balancing act T_T
