it's time of the year againhow are you holding up?
>>42111369bleeding out, but pretty good otherwisethink about time for more hotcocoa
>have 2 week holiday from work>...>wake up >go for run>eat a yoghurt for breakfast>open up minecraft>"eh I can't really be bothered to build anything">consider playing on a SMP server for once >"it'd just be filled with kids, I don't want to be creepy...">stare at my steam library>maybe... stellaris? eh... I cba>read some random book for 2 hours>study from a textbook for 3 hours >"I'm such a fucking dweeb, I wasted my childhood, I wish I went to a better university" on repeat while I study>doomscroll until I get angry>look around my empty house for something to clean>already spotless>read a random novel my coworker recommended to me>attention span is too fried to read anymore>speak to chatgpt about the themes in the book >doomscroll again>make this post zzzzz
>>42111473forgot to mention>day prior>hmmm I'm pretty lonely...>call mom>within 5 minutes she screams at me and slams the phone down>get super stressed and shaky for some reason>sit in a hot shower >can't calm down>have to take a few codeines to fall asleep>wake up next day>"eh today is supposed to be my rest day but I still feel really anxious">1 hour later>okay I genuinely can't focus on anything time to go for a runidk, there's just a subtle disappointment I have felt every Christmas since I was disowned. I try telling myself it's just another day, but every year the music and the decorations arouse me in subtle ways, such that I end up expecting more from every interaction, the contrast becomes just sharp enough that these otherwise ordinary ordeals go from mundane to unpleasant. doesn't help that I'm completely alone, so my drifts to painful memories from all the boredom, I bet my dad and brother are having a great time right nowhttps://youtu.be/f0qh7wHw3Jk?si=WP8FUt1VaTxMYQzE
So my life in England was probably the worst it could possibly be. I was homeless, and i got raped by crackheads in two HMOs. I had no money. I got robbed. My family disowned me and when i finally got a job, they destroyed my life, so i ended up losing my job.When i finally found somewhere to live, i had to sleep on the floor in my coat, i had nothing. My flat was being flooded by the guy above and the owners did nothing for 2 years, i was living with damp and mold for 2 years in a bedsit. I had nothing and no one to help.Then i met a man who helped me, helped me get a kettle, a toaster, started shouting at the owners to fix my flat. He saved my life when i was going to kill myself. Today i got him a Christmas present and we will watch animal documentaries together in my new apartment, i have a bed, i have a bath, and i have a sofa. I never had these before. Yeah, i still get shouted at and spat at in the street but when i shut the door i block it all out and i focus on the good. If you're going through a bad time, keep going, dont give up, dont kys, keep going, keep going things will get better
>>42111473Sorry you're in a rut.What was the novel? Was it any good?
Awesome, while my friends and roommates being dragged off to family events they don't wanna participate in I get to chill with the house to myself
not disowned but i made a decision to avoid my family this christmas (it's complicated but let's just say it's better for everyone involved to not see each other for a while) and the alternative plans i made fell through (largely my fault but still not cool) so i'm also spending christmas in my flat on my own. i've mostly been okay so far, just lonely i guess. it's been a tough winter for me, i had to take time off martial arts for medical reasons and lost my main social outlet as a result and i'm also between jobs, i feel like i've alternated periods of relaxation, boredom, contemplation and completely losing my fucking mind. right now my life just feels a bit surreal, like some shitty lain anime but not even in a good or entertaining way, just the world feels a bit foggy. i'm going back to training next week hopefully and starting a new job the week after that so i hope it'll feel real again soon. anyway today i've just been trying to keep myself distracted. i ate some nice food and watched a couple of trash comedy films and laughed at them. tomorrow i'll do the same probably and also work out. everything in my country closes from the 24th-26th but luckily a couple of the indie cinemas are open so i might go see something tomorrow night just to get out of the flat.
>>42111369my family is full of joe biden voters so of course they kicked me out in july 2020
>>42111473>>42111621happy yuletide lonely troon. the days are getting longer again from hereon out.it's my year 3 or 4 being no contact with my parents and as a result also not celebrating christmas again. no friends either lol, unless I count a local artists couple I visit occasionally.I'm just a crossdressing fag who'll never crack so I won't do a big storytime or wahtever.
>>42113123>crossdressing fag who'll never crackWill you ever take hrt?
>>42113023They secretly love trump
>>42113275never as "replacement". maybe as therapy. probably not for long stretches, and I'd want to try several directions. never involving a human doctor lol, and not risking my fertility.I see my body as my partner, like a husbando or a waifu. like actually, as my biggest lover. so when there's a praaawblem, like... I don't want to force my own opinions. and it'd take a looot for me to leave (a.k.a. become an hero). I've had thoughts of that but I don't let myself be ground down by them. I'd like to see how far we can go.(and I believe in reincarnation and immortality of the soul, so... what's a 120 years? I'll be a woman in a life that isn't my immediate concern yet; I'd think it'd actually be weird to be one sex forever.)
>>42111967im not disowned yet but i have a feeling that very soon i will end up in a similar situation to you. do you have any advice ? i plan to just commit suicide when i get kicked out but landing somewhere else would be nice
>>42111369>on HRT for 4 months without parents knowing>already tanner 3>mfw i have to walk in front of the living to go to my roomi got a robe for christmas to hide it.. i thought i'd be able to stealth longer than this
eating microwave chinese food dinner on christmas eve. only 14 bucks in the bank for the next two weeks. I wish I was dead
>>42113954Take life one hour at a time, try not to get overwhelmed, dont think too far ahead just get through the day. Find good support, a support worker took pity on me and helped me get my first bedsit. Yes, it was horrible but it was a place i could shut the door and be alone.Support workers are good, ok and bad. Keep going if they're bad, find another worker who will help, most are in the job just because its a pay cheque.Avoid drugs, avoid bad men. Stay away from drugs, i know it can be tempting to take the edge off but when you're rock bottom it will cause chaos in your life. Also bad men, men are fucking shit. They'll hear you're struggling then take advantage of you. Dont let them, any man who offers help in exchange for sex will only ever harm you. Don't ever be alone with these types. Its so tough to weed out genuine people but failing this really is life or death, i almost died because a man raped me and the infection he gave me was so disgusting it put me under hospital care for an entire year. Its tough finding a job, if you can find one with flexibility and decent managers thats good, be honest, tell them you're alone and going through a hard time, if they're decent they'll give you some slack. If you have any health conditions get welfare support, thats what it is there for.Ultimately be patient. Its been 5 years since i went through hell, i wouldn't have made it if i let all this weight get to at once, i wouldn't be here. One day at a time, one hour at a time. If i can do it, so can you, im not special. Just avoid drugs, avoid bad men. Offers of kindness should be non conditional, respect yourself and keep going, im sorry i cant give better advicei9
