My boyfriend left me in late october. Its been really difficult since and just repeat episodes of me getting drunk and blowing up his phone every couple of nights. Hes also dating someone else. Last night ended up with him insulting me and me threatening him until i said something like the only reason he has been able to hurt me up until then was that I loved him implying that he had just killed that. He replied with "can i try something" and started talking to me lovingly the way he did when we dated... It made me tell him i was just gonna go to sleep i cant read this and he started begging me to stay and not leave his life. I told him he can stop pretending and that he won i wont try to hurt him anymore. We talked for a little while deescalated like that. Then he offered me if i wanted him to pretend a bit more.... I took him up on it and we spent the night acting like boyfriend and girlfriend and i asked him to say some things and act in certain ways i had begun to find triggering ever since he left, i thought it could help me feel a little less traumatised for some reason like i was reclaiming my trauma..obviously didnt workOur last interaction is now him sending me off to sleep and calling me love and saying he will sleep by my side and keep me safe. I think this is the best time there will ever be for my death. Im sorry i will not be able to keep my promise to not hurt myself S you were the only good thing in my life and ill die loving you im so thankful you gave me a comforting night at the end even if it was ultimately just pretendIll love you and be yours forever
>>42151009you need a boyfriend
Imagining a life without you is dreadful and the short call you gave me last new year at midnight because i told you i was spending it alone should be such a nice memory but knowing no thing or that will be happening this time makes me hurt and not want to be here to witness thatI have tried to not love you and to move on for a long time even before we dated and you know that and i never succeeded. I can imagine that you roll your eyes whenever i called you the love of my life but now that its finished because i lost you in a way that confirms it. I just dont have it in me to persist with everything in my life only ever being so terrible and my love gone with no forecast of returning im sorry that i invited you into the mess that was my life and i hope you never figure out that i did this. It was only a matter of time in the end and it was never going to get better and you deserved better than to be made to involve yourself in my mess. I feel like i unconsciously spent so much of the passed evening trying to convince you i would be ok and to make you not suspect i was going to off myself before the new year. If i lost someone i was willing to go so far for and who i dedicated every part of myself to whenever he asked then i have all the proof i will ever need that i am truly unlovable. And as you told me once long before we began dating, that your life had no destination without love back then, that sentiment echoes inside of my mind ever since i fell for you. I know that no matter how long i live and process this grief i will never overcome this self hatred. I love you forever. Your dani, always
