>>42162119
Hey thanks
Are the links below helpful? As in will it improve my mental health

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Apart from the GOTT, here are a few things you can do _today_ to make your life a little better. Keep a diary and write down every success. Some you may do as often as you please, but write down each one individually! You deserve it! Do not feel pressured to do all, but feel free to select one or two!

- prepare 1 load of laundry
- do 1 load of laundry
- read one page of a book or manga you have been putting off
- cook yourself a meal, or try learn to make a simple dish
- eat a meal
- pick up items on the floor for 5 minutes
- make your bed
- if you have a bad habit, try making it more inconvenient (putting things in hard to reach places for example)
- do the dishes for 3 minutes
- write down one thing you are grateful for (from abstract things to something like a cute image you saw)
- Clean up 1m^2 of your floor (~40x40 in)
- Open your window for 10-20 minutes
- try to exercise for 5 min (walk outdoors, walking stairs, whatever you wish)
- take out the trash
- drink a glass of water
- put one item of trash in the bin
- reach out to an online contact
(perhaps even try arrange spontaneously meeting up with an IRL contact near you!)
- BONUS: Repeat a goal to hit a milestone (1 book chapter rather than a page, the laundry pile, the floor of one room, etc)


Unofficial group chats maintained by kind anons of /sig/:
IRC: presently defunct afaik.
Discord: https://discord.gg/pUuXdBjKX2

...last thread died just when I got up and was about to bump, looking up what killed the thread was a mistake. Ew.
Whatever, as always, make sure to check the last thread for responses, new thread will have replies that didn't make it last time.
I'm a bit deflated waking up to this but will try ot make time for more replies later. Take care everyone.

It's going to take me an entire year to get back down to a fuckable weight, but the clock is ticking and now 30 is merely only a year away. If I regret anything now, it's spending virtually all of my teens and 20's as a sexless shut-in. I guess that's better than having missed out on having fun altogether, but still I know this short era where I am is going to fly by me way too fast.

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Alright, gotta bounce. Keep it going!
>>42162135
Generally speaking the resource links contain lots of small tidbits to give you tools and strats to work on your MH, yes. We have stuff on various conditions (ADHD, eating disorders, borderline, autism), stuff for trauma coping, things to try when depressed.. stuff like that.
>>42162146
What do you consider a fuckable weight? Also, as someone who already is 30 something, don't lose hope on that front too much, at least my anecdotal experience is that your 30s can be much, much more sexually active than you think right now.

>>42162200
I'm 230 pounds now and under 6', which is far too fat to be attractive to anyone my type. I've got to drop 60 pounds.

to people who exercise: how much of a difference did it make for (You) when it comes to mental health?

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>>42141637
Be very careful of what you are doing, Anon. You are aware of the risks and, if it is alright, I would like to hear about your motivations behind it/your target. To make sure you don't develop an ED.
>I dont want to risk my hair or nails falling out but I am too dumb to figure out what vitamins id need since there are so many idk whats necessary so
>I wanted to get some advice about what I should I be getting
One massively important thing is protein. Hair loss and many other ailments come from fucking with your essential amino acid intake. Make sure that your diet has complete protein, iirc beans and rice and eggs are typical sources. Eat bell peppers for low cal vit C.
>>42141852
Hope you had a lovely one yourself!
>WMATF
The acronym doesn't ring a bell, what is it about?
>>42142994
You are already doing excellently reducing your consumption there, the next logical step for you would be to build a daily schedule, ideally with alarms or something to remind you. The hard part will be getting used to putting away the phone when you hear the alarm, but this is a matter of habituation. You see, if you always get up, make breakfast, perhaps have a walk or something each day, at set times with grace periods, it will become second nature for you to do such things. Once you have free actions like that that come to you naturally other things easily fit in; example. Suppose you have built a habit of taking a walk (or open the windows when it rains), every Monday at roughly 11:00. You're already used to getting ready for that just because, and while you're at it you can take out trash, or go shopping, or whatever else needs doing you wouldn't muster up the energy for on its own. This kinda backbone of things you do every day will hence help you perform completely unrelated tasks.
>>42152844
It's my pleasure! I'm glad to be appreciated.
>>42155636
Aside from what was already said, look at the SADPERSON criteria in the resources (mental health tips)

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>>42146983
Do you do CICO (aka calorie counting) in addition? What is your current/target BMI? What is your intake? Have you checked yourself for potential conditions that affect losing weight (thyroid issues)?
>>42155152
When in doubt, do get on HRT even before you hit your goal. The full effect of fat redistrib is in the time scale of 5ish years anyway so in the long run sooner is simply better as far as I know.
>>42149367
Alright! Sounds like you're having a laid back time ahead, that's great to hear. You know, you are always so cheerful, it's clear you are really trying hard to make people feel comfy and welcome. I appreciate that. But I hope you also feel like you can share your troubles and difficult emotions with us, regardless!
>>42150051
>How do I quit a porn addiction
What drives you to it? Do you do it to cope, perhaps? How frequently do you watch it?
>>42155404
>I end up rejecting about 90% of guys who approach me before the conversation has even started. Which kind of feeds into the whole 'not feeling gay enough' thing.
Oh, I get it. I don't know if it is the most reassuring thing to hear but a rejection rate of 80-90% at the early stages is pretty standard, especially when you are looking for serious relationships. Most people just.. don't click well, even within the same dating pool. It's ironic almost how isolating that experience is for everyone yet how nigh universal it is. Maybe a stupid question but do you have a strong preference for topping/bottoming that might add to it? Where do you look for people?

>>42163835
>What drives you to it? Do you do it to cope, perhaps?
The only potential trigger I've found would be boredom, but I think it's a genuine addiction like smoking
>How frequently do you watch it?
Usually once a day

>>42164213
Nta but qt my worst i used to fap 7 times a day and watch porn for like 2-3 hours a day and it was a response to the feeling of being overwhelmed + a dopamine vice. Might've broken my penis with that but idk. I'm trying to go 100% abstinent bc its just a bit gross.

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>>42157864
>Mainly procastrination and chronic low self esteem.
Ah, which of course leads to self sabotage on top of other issues.
>that'd be pointless seeing as it's the first year.
The first year is actually the one that makes the most sense to repeat, because it's the time where people are new to the environment.
>Also i think i might have Anemia or something because if i'm not moving around i pass out kek.
>I passed out/fell asleep weekly every friday when we had in-person classes about midway through and i'm in general too fatigued to pay attention.
Yes, go get a blood test ASAP, this is urgent. There are a variety of things that can cause thins and it might be that you would repeat the year with very little trouble if this is addressed. Even if you don't wanna, your future success will absolutely be boosted by having a thorough health checkup.
>It's just that i was never good at anything at all.
What usually lead to your performance issues? Same lack of focus and such?
>>42158510
>How do I stop being a fake person? All my interactions with people come off as disingenuous and fake
>I always feel pressured to be around them.
>Like I want them to know I love them so they aren’t sad but I dint love anyone.
You don't have to love them immediately. It sounds like you are trying to skip the part where you get to know people. Can you name things you enjoy about spending time with others?
>>42158859
What makes you say that, Anon?
>>42154367
>decently well, I wrote each task on a smol post-it, lined them up vertically (with tasks where order doesn't matter in a horizontal group), then processed and managed to restart even as distractions happened, which is another positive sign that making my task/project/dependency graph touch UI thing might help a lot
Oh yes, that's great news! One thing you might wanna look into is the "Zettelkasten" method. It sounds very related to what you want.

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Alright, seems I c
>>42162254
Would you be alright with trying a calorie counting diet? Idk if you need much advice there but even starting with a 2000kcal/day intake and timing your meals so you can go to bed before hunger pangs get too strong would already have you plummet.
>>42163249
when I did it was def grounding/stress relief at the very least, though I am sure others have more to say, panty for example.
>>42164213
>Usually once a day
>it's a genuine addiction like smoking
generally, yes it can become compulsive. Usually once a day is still within what I would consider a healthy range, in the sense it does not consume your daily life. Are you socially fulfilled?

>>42166967
seems I caught up*

>>42166992
Bro's putting in the hours ong.
Christ-ahh blud.

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>>42167015
I appreciate the encouragement, Anon! I've started journaling my sig efforts to get a general grasp for how much time I am investing. In the month of September I have spent a total of roughly 19h 30min composing posts, and in December 18:40, up to now. I'll take a break now, and probably won't post tomorrow, but overall I am very satisfied, even if I am sure I used to spend 30% more time curating it back in summer. Still happy, though. I needed to slow down for a bit.

>>42163835
>do you have a strong preference for topping/bottoming that might add to it?
I'd say I'm primarily a top but if I met a great guy who ticked all the boxes but said he topped exclusively, I'd have no problem bottoming.
>Where do you look for people?
I go to gay bars with friends sometimes but other than mainly your standard dating apps like hinge, bumble etc. Tried Grindr once and found it was an absolute waste of time

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>>42162119
>>42133552
>How are you holding up, Anon?
alright. finally got home from the hospital after a gallbladder surgery. i was very afraid but things are mostly fine. a little upset cause i didn’t eat for nearly 2 days and it’s frustrating to feel like i’m losing progress in gaining weight

Is doomposting allowed here

Lowk wanna troon out but also i'm a low value male never had a gf have no friends am short and no good at anything so it feels a bit like a cope/nietzschean death drive/chemical castration desu.
>>42166785
>What usually lead to your performance issues? Same lack of focus and such?
Nah. I dont really get that tired at home bc i can pace around and gst stimulated and stuff but i always give up super easily on things. Tried coding, drawing, writing, jogging, ttrpgs and classic literature but i've never had immediate talent and i just fizzle out within a week or two.
I've never once been good at anything. Barely scraped tbrough HS and i dont think i studied once in the entirety of my tenure kek.

bump
>>42168118
i think so

okay i love you, bu-bye

Nighty night!

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Panty here again. I vacuumed the house today. Did a bunch of laundry the past couple of days. Yesterday I made some strawberry sandos.

I also called some local businesses today about getting the loveseat in my room reupholstered. It’s the perfect size, but the cushions are sewn in place.

I saw a post about planning for the new year that suggested picking a word to represent your plans. I’m leaning towards “commit,” since it can mean seeing something through, putting your trust in something, and just plain doing something. I have trouble finishing what I start, and putting plans into action, and obviously I need to stay committed to living my best life.

I intend to buy wig styling supplies soon. I must start wearing wigs in 2026. I must get my eyebrows shaped, and I must pierce my ears.

That should be enough for now. Happy New Year, /sig/mas.

>>42167015
he looks jesus adjacent in person, too

>>42173492
kys you dumb fucking whore hope you enjoy the brainwashing

>>42174097
wuh?

>>42162119
I have adhd bad and realized this year if i just dont smoke so much got damn weed my dopamine system is a little more normal. Its time to go sober for the first time since i was a preteen :/ its been a week so far and it suuuuucks.
Next step is getting on a routine. We will see if it happens

>>42164234
I do it once a day but it can also take me up to 3 hours
>a dopamine vice
That's what it is for me
>I'm trying to go 100% abstinent bc its just a bit gross.
Personally I just want to get rid of the porn
>>42166967
>a healthy range
The amount sounds reasonable, but the main problem is that I can't stop myself from doing it, regardless of circumstances
For example I fell for the no nut november meme 2 months ago, but I only managed to abstain myself for 3 or 4 days before falling back into porn
It's like I have no impulse control
>Are you socially fulfilled?
My social life is nonexistent

>Essentially, professorship
>Becoming a full-fledged researcher with his own group
Wow, sounds like a very good step forward.
Sounds like you've succeeded a great deal already.

>Well, the private enterprise options are super diverse because I would essentially be qualified for all sorts of R&D/programming type jobs that prioritize creative problem solving over a CS background
That sounds very helpful as a background, diversifying my skillset is something I've been trying to do as well but I'm trying to to not burnout before the new year.
I should probably look into exercising better problem solving myself.

>A former colleague of mine literally prints money for a living (as in, develops the printer software for money printers)
Oh, I see now.
That paints a clearer picture now, thank you.

>>42175207
I meant to reply to:
>>42154298

>>42174097
??? ;w;

i've not posted here in a while... i think maybe 3-4 months. things are generally not going well for me.

i finished my first semester of community college, failed 4 out of 5 of my classes.... and there was some bs i never did for financial aid so i might be on the hook for $3k. i havent registered for classes for next semester which starts in like 2 weeks.

i havent made any new friends. and im gonna spend new years alone again.

its become very clear to me that one of my biggest fears with transitioning is a reality. being a lateshit has completely fucked me and there really is no hope that i could ever pass. the proportions of my body just read so distinctly male.

i was thinking about checking myself into a psych ward because ive been really considering just ending it, but im afraid itd just make things worse.... i know how trannies are treated in those places.

i dont know why i even bother.

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I'm scared of everything all the time and have failed to properly become a real person.
Tranny thoughts aside i'm not even a real human atp and i would like to figure that out first.
My issue isnt in immediate need of.aid and has been an issue basically always since puberty has began or perhaps earlier so if youre one of the dedicated thread-helpers please put it on low priority

>>42166785
>One thing you might wanna look into is the "Zettelkasten" method. It sounds very related to what you want.
oh yeah definitely, I tried that with Logseq but its horrible lag forced me out of it, plus my tendency to overengineer. In the future after/if I get my life on track, a proper knowledge graph system is something I've been thinking of, ideally open-world ontology so I can gradually morph it with time, with some decent plaintext repr (the usual XML/Turtle ones or whatever), so that I can create a decent enough data format without locking myself down at the app level. I'll probably speedrun OpenHPI's knowledge graphs course too, it's not too old and would make sense to get an idea of where the field was at 3-4 years ago.
but for now, just want to create a crutch for my executive dysfunction, speed toward fixing the life circumstances that cripple my ability to live (am old, already wasted my youth, don't want to be ready to live too late), and after that maybe expand into the nice to haves

Hi /sig/,

My professor has ghosted me after offering to have me help with his research. He kept insisting that he would send me some info regarding it at such and such time, but either forgot or had no intention of actually doing it. I reminded him two or three times over the course of the semester, nothing. Last ditch attempt here, but I emailed him and am waiting for a response. I need this opportunity to graduate. I am on the waitlist for a class that could replace it, but I'm concerned it would delay me if I didn't get into it... I don't need anymore delays.

I keep trying to enforce a schedule now that I've had a few weeks to just be lazy, but I can't wake up at a normal time. If I do, I get tired and fall back asleep. I feel like my younger self would have had the ability to maintain this. Nearly every attempt to exercise the older I've gotten has failed. My streak for exercise was like 3-4 months a couple of years ago. Now the attempts consist of one week to a day and then just falling into sedentary activity.

I'm so tired, I miss the day. It's not good. It's not like I don't ever have the energy for anything, but stores are open during the day, places I can hike, parks, etc. I'm lucky to be skinny, but if I keep up wih the way I'm eating and the occasional exercise with the dog, it won't be enough to stay healthy for the rest of my life.

I can't pinpoint when this development started exactly, but I think it was related to me taking university seriously again and clawing my way back from horrible marks. It felt like after homework was done I couldn't do anything else. I became bound to the computer, or a book and lost my love of going out by myself. I guess I also started to really try to be socially successful and that took a lot out of me as well, but that's an entirely different issue.

>>42175634
just stop being a coward and rope already ,you're clearly ngmi

>>42178136
anon, this isn't the place
>>42175634
how long have you been on hrt?

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>>42154298
>Essentially, professorship. Becoming a full-fledged researcher with his own group.
Now, hold on for a minute. You're a full professor now? At 30-something?! That's actually amazing anon, holy fuck. Congratulations!

>>42178136
anon, take a step back. Why did you say that?

>>42178456
The weak must perish so the strong can thrive.

>>42178618
You're saying this on the gay bi transgender lesbian board.
Whats tbe point of genetic darwinism among a populace that wont procreate anyway?

>>42178136
the only reason i havent roped yet is out of spite for people like you. ironically, if there werent people like you that wanted me dead just because i exist, id probably have already done it.

>>42178334
around 6 months

Happy (almost) New Year's.

I hope you are all well and safe.

I am going to become better in 2026, is my plan.

>>42178772
sry still babytran
>but lateshit
I don't make the rules. You're obliged to be here (or chasergen or wherever the vibe is best) tomorrow with us lonely-o's unless you end up with something better (even if it's just an early evening)

>>42178618
it is in the interest of the predator to thin the herd.

nai nai, keep it up peeps, I look forward to updating sig, perhaps on new year's

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>>42178136
The number one thing that keeps me alive is the knowledge that there are people who want me dead.
>>42168226
I mean, you can always try vanishing completely and like, joining the military or some other drastic action to invent a new person to be.
I sort of did a bit of A and a bit of B I just never wanted kids anyway, so I don't care about the castration thing.
Like ig it depends on why you'd want to transition.
>>42163249
If I don't do cardio pretty often, my dysmorphia/general self image tries to eat me, so like a pretty big difference and the like dopamine boost or whatever is okay to sort of even out the emotional instability a bit.
I had to stop lifting weights, though, because seeing an arm pump made me disassociate.
>>42175634
>being a lateshit has completely fucked me and there really is no hope that I could ever pass.
It's kind of a cope, but I just psyop myself into liking manmoders if I can look at other manmoders/non-passing trans women and see a good person who'd be desirable to me, at least I feel less awful about my own issues, or at least see a reality where my inability to pass doesn't prevent me from having value.
>>42178772
>around 6 months
Unfortunately, you have to wait. I'm like 9 months HRT, and I have the exact same shit going on in my head (I mean, made that obvious already), but I don't really think you can really see anything until like 18 months minimum.
>>42176642
>i'm not even a real human atp and i would like to figure that out first.
Have you considered it may just be dysphoria-related disassociation, like I did repping for a year (after the first time I took HRT, I mean), and that's kinda where my headspace ended up. A lot of my emotional baggage didn't really crop up again until I started HRT and felt more like a person (or at least trying to be one)

bump

>>42180005
>Have you considered it may just be dysphoria-related disassociation,
Because i'm disassociated a LOT of the time its hard to say. I think even if its correlated i still failed to develop a real well-rounded personality. I decided to give hrt a chance anyway but i'm not discarding the possibility that dysorphia is not end all be all of my problems yunno?.
Like who says youncant have 2 mental disorderd at once. I'm starting therapy and it'll be super uncomfortable but yeah i intend to just speak my mind there a 100% and not mention trannythoughts and we'll see how that goes.

>>42154334
>A very merry (belated) Christmas to you, too! I hope the holidays had their highlights for you, on top of being exhausting
Thank you for the kind message!

The holidays were okay, family drama was still a factor but I'm learning to move past it.
Gotta focus on career and financial security above all else.

>Yes, definitely report back with whatever insights you garner!
I will be sure to do so, I will double my efforts to complete my current studying course and my research into the advice that was given here already.

I feel fucking amazing you guys.

>>42183247
Great, tell us more.

>>42163835
>Alright! Sounds like you're having a laid back time ahead, that's great to hear. You know, you are always so cheerful, it's clear you are really trying hard to make people feel comfy and welcome. I appreciate that. But I hope you also feel like you can share your troubles and difficult emotions with us, regardless!
dw dw i do open up about stuff from time to time. for the most part i don't feel like stuff i have going on is worth sharing or venting about tbhdesu :D

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>>42184903
my hero!

>>42185954
Yeah i'll groom you.

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>>42162119
I recently moved out of my parents’ house into a one bedroom apartment.

made it to the end of the year
lets see if i do that again
a few more hours and then i can drink make a couple of calls and finally rest

Seizureanaon again. Getting off antidepressants is going well, I feel a lot sharper and my spouse says I'm having less staring episodes. I'm 100% certain now that my "mood issues" are more related to the fact I'm crippled (my legs are fucked up too, no more 5ks for me). So I'm going to try more "lifestyle" options to cope.

>>42186199
Congrats! It's nice to have your own place. Be sure to get a plunger before you need it.

>>42187408
But girls dont poop doe

>>42170017
I want to improve, but I don't really want it

I wish I could be better. Financially sound, mentally healthy, well dressed, helpful to my community

But I just rot

I don't believe mental healthcare can help. I tried it and got worse

how do i build up the courage to call the psychiatrist my therapist recommended me. im scared of telling them im trans and im scared ill pressure myself into giving my deadname. i think i really need antidepressants but im scared

>>42187408
I already got one
>>42187489
Hey, I’m a boy!

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>>42162119
Happy New Year's, everyone!

I wish you all the best with your goals and current circumstances.
I look forward to checking in again later.

happy new years /sig/

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I think I am mainly driven by fear and pain-avoidance, and when I plan anything, even things I might enjoy, I make mental calculations by how much pain it will cost, and often don't even try to make things better because I'm scared or because it might be painful to change anything. It's only mental pain, like stress and fear. But still, like tonight--afraid to go to a New Years Eve night at the bar (usual hangout spot) because I don't like driving, and I don't know if any friends will be out, so I'm afraid there will just be no pleasure, and only disappointment, so why not just stay in, and that's it. I can't do anything, I actually literally can't do anything because I'm only motivated by pain-avoidance and fearm and in my head I think the pain of driving half an hour to the bar is greater than the relatively dull pain of staying in. I wish I could be a being that is driven by something other than pain and fear.

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Happy new year, /sig/. With my loved ones tonight.

>>42189142
hAPPY NEW YEAR anon <3

every day of recovery i get a little bit stronger

checking in on sig in the middle of the night, brushing its hair to the side, and giving it a kiss on the forehead

new year's greetings from page 8

sleepy

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>>42162119
i started to think about what i was proud of this past year and the main thing is cleaning. i used to be a slob as a teenager, then something clicked for me and i kept my stuff clean and all. but then i moved out to a dorm and had been moving a few more times and every time it just got back to being a slob. i never cleaned the floor, had stuff lying about, food wrappers, dust, trash, etc. everything was covered in dust and it was quite gross. that was for like 5 years. i moved to my own apartment this spring and shockingly have kept everything clean and tidy since. i clean weekly, pick up stuff and dont have trash everywhere. i mean i did start hormones a few months prior, but this has been a huge improvement in my life. i actually like living at my home and im not embarrassed to invite people over which is crazy.

i guess the next thing is to get my hygene in order as well. probably should shower more than just once a month.

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Once again, happy new year, /sig/.
>>42167836
Well I have always been more of an onlooker in the dating game than a participant but a masc top with a less masc (or fem/androgynous) bottom is not a pairing I would consider particularly unusual. As in, I've seen it happen more than enough examples of that at least to ease your mind that it's far from uncommon.
>I go to gay bars with friends sometimes but other than mainly your standard dating apps like hinge, bumble etc.
I see! How big is the town you live in? It sounds like you are generally looking in sensible places, you could broaden your search by looking in places relevant to your interests (making more friends which might develop into partners)
>>42168091
I'm glad you're recovering well! If it is any relief chances are two days can only have thrown you back a couple days at most based on a quick back of the envelope estimate. What's your goal, by the way?
>>42168226
>Lowk wanna troon out
The question is: what compels you to?
>i always give up super easily on things
What goes through your head when you do it? For example,
>i've never had immediate talent
what expectations do you have of yourself? How do you expect talented people to experience success? Also, important: do check the health stuff as soon as possible, please. I gotta insist. Also, do you also give up on relationships, or is there something else to your lack of friends? Have you met people that share your interests?
>>42171668
I suppose mine is "conclude", since I am wrapping up a lot of things this year. What are strawberry sandos actually like? I imagine them very mellow in flavor besides the strawberries, somehow. Happy new year, Panty.

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>>42187542
I find it useful to talk about these things in terms of mental energy: it is exhausting to work on oneself, and we regress into our comforts. Good things must be sustainable, so we might wanna check your efforts are incremental enough not to overwhelm you.
>I don't believe mental healthcare can help. I tried it and got worse
Interesting. What did you try, and what happened as a consequence?
>>42174852
All the best, Anon! In that case it might be your nervous system is gonna be a bit fried for a while, but I am confident it will help don't hesitate to keep us posted.
>>42175109
NNN is less than useless for actually reducing your porn consumption. It's actively hostile towards it even. For now, try not doing it once a week, for a month. Twice a week if you are feeling spicy. But no escalating that until you can pull it off reliably. Marathon not sprint.
>My social life is nonexistent
This will also cull your porn consumption. Any old ties you could rekindle, or are we starting from scratch?
>>42175207
>Wow, sounds like a very good step forward.
It's unlikely to work out but we will see. Thank you though.
>I should probably look into exercising better problem solving myself.
I find that it is a skill that develops on an abstract level, kinda. Like, my methods don't change depending on the subject, not really.
>>42178424
>Now, hold on for a minute. You're a full professor now? At 30-something?!
Oh, sadly not, I am aiming for it and more or less applied for just that, my chances are slim though, and my perspective is shifting rapidly. Right now my options would be in France, and I am growing increasingly tired of the French system. It's.. a long story, sadly. Still, I

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>>42175634
Welcome back, Anon. If it's alright I would like to hear what you've been up to in greater detail. I assume you failing classes related to you being overwhelmed. What overwhelmed you? Do your transition fears tie into it or just add to it? You wanna get better and had a real rough patch, I'd love to help you a little, although more frequent posts would make it easier for both of us to keep things in check. I understand that it must be a lot for you right now, but no matter how things go, I assure you, you can not only survive this, but recover gracefully from it. We just gotta slow down and take things step by step. Is there something you can do about financial aid, for example? How much time do you have to register for classes?
>>42176642
A common question I tend to ask is: what traits do you find attractive in other people, personality wise? What is it you feel you lack? Try finding concrete things, if you wanna put in extra effort, contrast what people *do* and what they *are* that you like. Example: maybe you like people that are kind. Then you could think for a moment "what do kind people do that I like?" and conclude things like "they reassure people through insecurities". By expressing traits as acts you can start thinking about "what can I do that is kind?" rater than "how do I become kind?", the former is much more useful than the latter.
>>42177660
Oh, never heard of logseq but it seems to use markdown/org format under the hood so I am a but shocked it had lagging issues. Very odd.
>but for now, just want to create a crutch for my executive dysfunction, speed toward fixing the life circumstances that cripple my ability to live (am old, already wasted my youth, don't want to be ready to live too late), and after that maybe expand into the nice to haves
Yes, and I am 100% rooting for you, especially your quest to improve your well being! Do keep us posted, alright? And don't hesitate to ask questions!

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>>42178809
>>42182798
HNY, bunon!
>I will be sure to do so, I will double my efforts to complete my current studying course and my research into the advice that was given here already.
Sounds great, I'm here if you need anything.
>>42183612
Okay, that's reassuring, thank you Anon!
>>42185954
>I don't like how untidy my beard is. advice?
Hm, my first suggestion would be to get a trimmer, perhaps treat yourself to a barber visit to get some professional treatment and care tips for the particular style you end up picking there?
>>42187408
Glad to hear getting off meds improved things on that front.
>I'm 100% certain now that my "mood issues" are more related to the fact I'm crippled (my legs are fucked up too, no more 5ks for me).
Oh shit, is this a new development?
>So I'm going to try more "lifestyle" options to cope.
Oh, what do you have in mind exactly?

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>>42177934
Oh that's fucking shitty of him. There's always bad apples like this, some of them can be wrangled by knocking at their office door and going to them in person, although it might also depend on the culture how acceptable it is.
>I need this opportunity to graduate.
Just so I get it, is it about, like, a Ba thesis?
>I keep trying to enforce a schedule now that I've had a few weeks to just be lazy, but I can't wake up at a normal time.
Hm, how many hours of sleep do you get with that schedule? Did you try going to bed earlier?
>Nearly every attempt to exercise the older I've gotten has failed.
Look out for points of friction. Describe what kinda exercise you opt for and how many steps it takes for you to get to actually do the thing. Example: do you need to collect the clothes for it, drive somewhere, etc?
>It felt like after homework was done I couldn't do anything else. I became bound to the computer, or a book and lost my love of going out by myself.
I feel this viscerally. Funnily enough you can try and leverage the social aspects you talked about it for this by trying to tie things you don't have the energy to do for your own sake anymore to other people.
>>42186199
Awesome, Anon! What's your next step, going forward?
>>42186317
Hope you had a restful night, Anon. You deserve a break.
>>42187562
How about you start simple and try writing out a dialogue tree? Remember, any "bad" response can end with you hanging up, you don't owe the psychiatrist anything. Working with you is THEIR job, not the other way around. Would that make you feel more prepared/safer? Give it a chance! Start with "hello, my name is X, Dr. Y recommended you and I would like to.. "

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Need a break, more tomorrow.

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>>42198173
>What are strawberry sandos actually like? I imagine them very mellow in flavor besides the strawberries, somehow.

Yeah, if I ever explained the recipe I use it’s been some time. For the cream, I microwave 8 ounces of cream cheese until soft, then mix it with an equal amount of low fat Greek yogurt and some honey. I buy sliced brioche for the bread. I lightly toast the bread, wrap each sandwich in foil and put it in the freezer for about an hour to firm up the cream. There’s a subtle sweetness to the cream.

It’s a great snack or dessert, I’ve been making them regularly for a couple of years now.

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Need to lock in, work starting in 3 days. I don't feel ready, even though I shouldn't have issues doing the job.
I guess I'm gonna miss neeting it up but money will be nice anyway, back to waking up at 4:30 : (

>>42198173
Happy New Year!
>I see! How big is the town you live in? It sounds like you are generally looking in sensible places, you could broaden your search by looking in places relevant to your interests (making more friends which might develop into partners)
I live in a decently sized city. Unforunately the gay scene isn't as big as it should be for a city this size. I feel like I'm wrong here, but unless I'm dancing with my friends in a bar, I'm generally quite 'straight passing' which I feel is a turn off for a lot of fem/androgynous guys who are more 'visibly queer'

bump!

>>42198374
>Just so I get it, is it about, like, a Ba thesis?
Not a thesis, but the research was supposed to replace some elective credits I needed to graduate with my bach degree. I signed up for a class with this contingency in mind, but by the time I got to it, I was already on the waitlist. I'm hoping he just forgot, or something, but after telling me, he was going to send me the information the Friday after the semester ended (and never actually doing that) I haven't heard a peep. If the guy didn't want me in his lab or working with him, he could have just said so already, I wouldn't be offended. I mean, he approached me, he took me to his damn lab and everything. It's also possible I dodged a bullet, there was some weird shit about it all.
>Hm, how many hours of sleep do you get with that schedule? Did you try going to bed earlier?
Probably about 8-10 hours, depending. Tried going to bed earlier, but ended up reading a bit to try to turn make myself tired. *Oops!* spent 2 hours reading an account of an arctic expedition from the 19th century. Silly fucking me.
>Look out for points of friction.
Strength training is just miserable for me, I'm not naturally athletic or muscular. Cardio is an easier sell and makes feel ecstatic. I guess getting the clothes is the first thing, having some water, setting up myself with some music, and then getting a timer going if needed. Psyching myself up is the most arduous part. My pullup bar is in my yard, so it's a little inconvenient to have to go out during winter, and constantly having to have the clothes to run outside is a bit fucking annoying.
>leverage the social aspects you talked about it
It's harder for me. Not really knowing anyone in the area anymore, having to go far to see cool shit, being firmly against most social media, having a strange sense of humor, and having fairly atrophied (if they were ever developed) social muscles makes it difficult. The degenerate sleep schedule doesn't help.

>>42203939
bowump

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>>42198186
>Oh, sadly not, I am aiming for it and more or less applied for just that, my chances are slim though, and my perspective is shifting rapidly.
Ah, okay. It's still amazing how far you've gotten. Good for you. I am jealous.
>I am growing increasingly tired of the French
I am also tired of the French!

>>42162119
I did it, /sig/. I got the FFS that I worked 4 years to pay for, right after starting HRT.
The results are mostly ok. I don't pass mostly, but it's better than it was.

2026 will (hopefully) be the year of working out, and maybe saving for VFS. I'm too lazy to voicetrain unfortunately, I don't think I can bruteforce my way through that.

I should probably start changing my docs as well.

Things are kinda rough financially due to the surgery itself + some unexpected expenses afterwards. But things will be okay.

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Hi everyone!

So, this is my problem with my stomach relaxed versus my stomach pulled in.

I have this issue whether my BMI is 18 or 25. I'm currently at 21, and I like the weight I'm gaining, but since my stomach already bloats very quickly (and deflates just as easily), I have this problem of my stomach sagging when I relax it. And especially, the diaphragm area at the top is tight, like I have a beer belly. The visceral fat area looks full, even though my doctor told me I haven't gained any visceral fat.

I'm recovering from a long period of eating disorders, and I'm very anxious. I've been doing vacuum exercises and other things, but it doesn't seem to be correcting the problem... what is it? What can I do? (I can't even breathe from my stomach when I'm standing and I relax it because that area is so tense; I have to contract my stomach or breathe using my diaphragm.)

Thank you so much if you have any solutions or explanations; this has been ruining my life for years.

I hope I haven't made too many mistakes; I'm not English.

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>>42206424

And here's my stomach contracted, versus my stomach if I empty my lungs, hold my breath, and relax my stomach; only the fatty area drops, and the visceral fat/beer belly area is much less full...

>>42206424
>>42206469
i would assume exercises will fix that eventually, but it takes a long time (>1 year)

>>42207243
I have patience; I corrected my kyphosis in two years.

What kind of exercises?

Thanks! (I've had this since childhood, except for the tense area that gives me a "beer belly.")

>>42207376
>I have patience; I corrected my kyphosis in two years.
Congratulations, that's respectable.
>What kind of exercises?
Core exercises (like the vacuum exercises you've been doing) help. Lower body exercises can improve your figure as a whole, and make you less self-conscious about your stomach.

But yeah, I think long term stomach vacuum + watching out for foods that make you feel bloated/gassy can get you a long way. From what i can see in the pictures, you look good. You got this <3

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>>42207551
>Lower body exercises


What type of Lower body exercises ?

That's my body right now, i want go to 24imc

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I just watched a very based video by Dr. K that I find frankly nothing short of eye-opening. I'll quickly write up a summary for y'all and also because I don't want to forget about it!

--- How to Actually Process Your Emotions ---

Just because you don't feel an emotion doesn't mean that it's not there. Any emotion you don't process basically gets piled up in a sort of "emotional storage", which eventually overflows into an outburst/breakdown/whatever.

Just telling someone that you're sad/depressed/whatever will do very little to alleviate that feeling, unless that person can actually help you process your emotion in the following way.

When emotion arises, ask yourself:

1. "What is this emotion trying to tell me?"

There is a clear message inherent to every emotional response. You need to figure it out. It could be a message about yourself, someone around you, the world in general — whatever! You need to put it into words.

2. "What does this emotion want me to /do/?"

When you feel an emotion, there's usually /one particular thing/ that it wants you to do. Anything else is, as far as your emotional well-being is concerned, just a poor substitute. Feeling lonely and isolated? Our can /numb/ that feeling by chatting with strangers online. That means the emotion gets stored in the aforementioned emotional storage. But what that emotion is trying to tell you is that you need real, meaningful interaction with a real person. Just an example.

Why does all of this matter? Most people are constantly at war with themselves. How many times have you /forced/ yourself to study, exercise or work even though you didn't /feel/ like it at all? You have to trick yourself into doing the things you /want/ to do with habits, grindset, etc. That's because you always have to leap over that huge silo of unprocessed emotions associated with the thing in question. Once you learn to process these emotions, everything will become easier.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KyLXDC_vrsc

Trying to get my shit together is pretty hard.

>>42198392
too eepy, sorry peeps.
Tomorrow I am afraid I will have... loads of time to.

>>42207675
cute butt

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>>42198173
>What’s your goal?
it was to maintain my current weight, and maybe gain a little bit to see how it sits on me after 2 years of hrt. gaining weight has been something i’ve always struggled with and having previously had anorexia it really distressed me to be forced to not eat for a bit. i feel better now and am focused on other things like correcting my posture (difficult with stitches) and resuming movement in my digestive track (movement isn’t happening, causing me to look bloated, causing me to not feel so bad about not eating). outside of this i never really had a goal, just less fat in some places and more fat and muscle in others

bump

pg8

>>42162119
tourist here, /sig/ is an /r9k/ general.
robots, are you here as well... ?

>>42212753
>''tourist''
>from r9k
so when are you gonna start taking your pills anon?

>>42212794
i dont have gender dysphoria, i come to this board to laugh at retards.
i just wonder if its the same userbase as /r9k/'s /sig/.
or worse, /r9gay/.

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Just to be clear. we know 99% of these people wont survive shit and will die out after a few days right?

>>42162119
I think I should try getting a job and drivers license. I remember trying to get a permit when I was 15, but I failed the test about five times and I put it off. As for the job thing, its just general nerves. But I still feel hopeful to do those things for this year. Its been a long time coming

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After a few hours of sleep I will continue with my online studies.

After that, I'm gonna do some journaling before I properly post here again.
I have a lot on my mind and a lot I need to say a lot but sleep will clear things up.

>>42198245
>HNY, bunon!
Happy New Year, Siganon!

>Sounds great, I'm here if you need anything
Thank you, I appreciate that very much.
I will be more specific and engaged here in future.

>>42212597
byump

I really like board games and TTRPGs. It's my preferred hobby these days. But it reminds of how lonely I am IRL. All of my friends are online and live too far away to meet. I guess I'm lucky, at least my gf who lived pretty far ended moved in with me, mostly because she had no choice, but I wish I had more friends IRL.

I've tried in the past to make friends IRL, and technically succeeded, but I didn't actually like it, none of the people I met IRL I could vibe with as with my online friends. The friendships felt a lil uncomfortable, artificial? Not as open, and ultimately faded easily.

Anyways, happy new year /sig/

>>42198186
>NNN is less than useless for actually reducing your porn consumption. It's actively hostile towards it even.
desu I
>Any old ties you could rekindle, or are we starting from scratch?
My only real friend lives very far away and I have abysmal social skills

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>>42162119
I'm going to bulk up this year and put on some muscle. I can't stand being skinny

>>42180005
>The number one thing that keeps me alive is the knowledge that there are people who want me dead.
Is this a reverse psychology thing or are you really living just to have some rando angry at you?

How do you stop annoying the people who love you with your insecurity?
I feel compelled to do it. Sometimes it gets into a loop where I feel insecure because I've asked for reassurance and felt like I've annoyed them by doing it, so then I spend all day wanting to ask for it again. When I cave it then makes the issue even worse.

public transport bump

busp

hai /sig/mas a very happy new year to all you goobers!! i never expected this little trip to meet my parents and sister would be so good for my mental health. i'm in the best headspace i've been in like months and i feel a little good about myself. self image issues are at an all time low, fully motivated to continue working on cutting down my weight. got some blood work done turns out i had some minor hormonal issues which made it hard for me to cut weight, getting on meds for it, hopefully that goes well. apart from the minor setback, i'm back to working on my resume and stuff.
on the dating front things aren't looking too good, but ykw it's okay! i will live and hope things get better. i ended up drunk texting the girl who did the whole "you're too good for me" thing. very embarrassed but i deleted her contact and stuff, she probably thinks i'm a loser tho. i'll make it a point i do actively talk to more people irl and meet new people.
as always ly all <3 sending hugs and kisses ⊂((・▽・))⊃

>>42212984
not necessarily

I reached 1 plate on my glute bridges and zercher squats today! c:

>>42221348
Congrats, you're gonna have to show off the results sometime...

>>42221498
It doesn't really feel like anything is changing in my body composition, but then, I didn't really take any pictures or measurements or anything...

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Travel day. I expected to have more energy tonight, but alas. Thank you all so much for your patience.

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>>42216821
>Is this a reverse psychology thing or are you really living just to have some rando angry at you?
It's not the only reason I live, but like when I was repping, that was something that kept me going, like in particular pre-HRT when I really didn't have a lot of other reasons to keep at it.
Suicidal ideation for me was (is? idk I just get dysphoric now) at least partially a way to feel ultimately like I still had some control (I could always hit the off switch, so to speak - idk I read a bit of Ernst Junger and that was what stuck) and having someone try and take that control by wanting my death (or actively working towards it) causes me to get at least oppositional with them.
It's not like I've ever hated the world; if anything, I love the world and wish it were better. My ideation has only really been out of self-hatred, hopelessness, etc but the point I got to was the realisation that the shittiness and despair wouldn't disappear just because I did, and giving a shitty person what they want just enables them in the future.
>>42182347
The upside is you can develop a personality on HRT; you can sort of pick and choose what kind of person you want to be (I mean, everyone can, but transitioning, at least for me, means overriding what I was before in a way).
It may be that it's not just dysphoria, but you can at least rule it out if issues persist.
Speaking from recent experience (not therapy but uhh a situation where I had to be extremely honest about some events in my life that are unpleasant), once you start talking about shit, it gets easier and can sometimes be hard to stop talking about
>>42212890
>i dont have gender dysphoria
would you like to?
>>42217208
>How do you stop annoying the people who love you with your insecurity?
I mean, you can address the insecurity itself in some cases, therapy as well, but also your friends should want to comfort you when you're insecure, even if it's just like a tap on the shoulder to let you know they get it.

Writing the below, and it's occurring to me that I should really figure out if I consider my gender to be fluid or not.
Also, I need to figure out if I'm gonna be open at my new job about being odd (fucky gender, bi, etc.), like they know my history messing about with the military, but I'm worried that I'm too confusing as a person to fit in with people with all my weirdness.
>>42200800
>I'm generally quite 'straight passing' which I feel is a turn off for a lot of fem/androgynous guys who are more 'visibly queer'
In case it wasn't clear, manmoding MtF bishit (and like I have my little pride flag keyring n some other stuff to identify myself to people), so not sure if I could reasonably qualify as "androgynous guy" (I mean my plan if transitioning isn't viable is to just function as an andro bishit on HRT, honestly) but for me my only opposition to dating straight passing guys is a lot of them are DL gay types which comes with other baggage (stuff like being ashamed to be seen together, potentially using violence to hide their queerness etc) afaik even like the fem twink archetypes (not like in the trans way but in the gay way) are mostly 4masc unless they're ID'ing as femboys (i'm going to be controversial - those are just reppers 9/10 times).

If being seen as DL is a concern, you can try just flagging to make it clear that you are openly gay (as I said, I just have like a keyring for this purpose)
>>42206424
As a temporary quick visual solution, at least you can use shapewear to keep stuff in place (idk what gender stuff you have going on, but you can do this no matter what).
I don't know a lot about ED recovery, but it may just be a side effect of that that will go away with time

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>>42198245
Nah, it's been a few years. I didn't want to mention it because it seemed like too much/not that relevant to my brain issues. I got jumped, but my head was spared so I didn't think much of it until I started failing antidepressants. Plus I'm out of a wheelchair and do pretty well on crutches now

As for lifestyle changes my spouse and I are getting into board games (just the two of us, I get very frustrated and confused already) and they got me some easy crosswords that don't scream "easy for dipshits" on the cover. Working on my sleep hygiene and trying to do more hobbies I wanted to do as a kid like video games, collecting music, sculpture, etc instead of laying in bed scrolling through things. I'm also shifting to one of those special diets for epileptics. I should find a way to work out that doesn't give me giga shoulders.

>>42208365
Oh thank you, this is actually the most helpful thing I've ever heard/seen in regards to "processing emotions"

>>42208670
It is but hard things are worth doing. You got this

>>42196039
>probably should shower more than just once a month

This is a very good start desu. If you can, get a nice shower gel or in shower lotion or something. Once you get used to doing it more than once a month you can increase the frequency a bit more.

>>42198193
>What overwhelmed you?
a combination of things (probably obvious).
the big thing was i was trying to make sure the first time i presented fem in public would go ok. i spent a lot of time and mental energy on stuff surrounding that (putting together an outfit, figuring out how to my makeup properly, things like that) (and it didnt even end up being worth it cause i was clocked immediately by everyone i interacted with). and since the event i was planning to do it ended up being the weekend after the deadline for final projects, i ended up just not doing most of them because i was so mentally preoccupied. One class required me to interview someone in a relevant field for a paper and i had nothing lined up for so i gave up on that one. One required me to do some observational data collection which i just ran out of time to do with everything else i was worrying about doing. One class I had already given up on like halfway through the semester and was going to withdraw from but i never did because idk (laziness i think). One class required a paper with like 10 sources and when i tried to get it done quickly because i was panicking i just kinda gave up on it after struggling to find relevant sources. i passed the other class so nothing really to say about that one.

>Is there something you can do about financial aid, for example?
i need to set up a time to go the the financial aid office in person, which i tried doing the week before christmas but i got no answer and then they called me back and i missed it. im planning on calling them again on monday. hopefully that will help.

>How much time do you have to register for classes?
unsure. classes start on the 21st but i cant register for anything until i get the financial thing resolved.

>>42162119
Anybody got any advice for back pain and flexibility?

>>42224606
At the risk of stating the obvious, just in case nobody recommends anything more specific, I would search YouTube for “back pain exercises” and “flexibility exercises.” There are a lot of exercise and physical therapy videos on YouTube, many made by people who will cite their qualifications, share general, non-controversial advice, and just want to make quality fitness information more accessible. Just look for something you want to try and try things until you find something you want to stick with. Just getting started is way more important than finding the “perfect” exercise to start with. Just keep experimenting, and when what you’ve been doing starts feeling too easy, look for something new.

I also recommend investing in an exercise mat that folds up. I bought the rolling kind first and I hated that it never went completely flat and so I used that one all of twice.

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lately I've been feeling worse and worse and only now that I type this I remember I said the same a week ago so it's probably a month long thing or smth idk and getting mad at only person I talk with now haven't helped. honestly if I would be alone today I would probably try to sui again but instead I just slept for most of the day and look at screens for the rest of it wishing I would have died a long time ago and panicking over future and how much time and money I wasted on stuff just to give up right before the end. idk what else I can say without dooming honestly

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>>42225600
Sleeping and looking at screens is better for your health than trying to die. Sleeping gets a bad rap anyway. Sleeping is supposed to be good for your brain and your mood. A little extra sleep seems appropriate if you’ve been feeling worse and worse lately.

I’ve been feeling sad lately too. I might need to vent more tomorrow. But for now I’ll just say this. It’s okay to feel sad when bad things happen. It’s natural to feel that way, in fact. But not everything that happens is bad, and there are things worth doing besides feeling sad about the bad stuff.

For example, I feel like absolute shit but I still went for a run today, and did some laundry. Went to the grocery store. And watched The Indian in the Cupboard for the first time. And while doing those things didn’t keep me from being sad other times, I still don’t regret doing them.

So my advice to you is take care of yourself while you’re feeling bad.

Hey everyone,
I wanted to share a quick thought that I believe is important for some of you. We often encounter people who have a way of presenting themselves that's incredibly engaging and positive. While charisma can be uplifting, it's essential to remember that appearances can sometimes be deceiving.

Let’s all stay grounded and make sure we’re looking out for one another. Genuine support and kindness are what truly matter in fostering healthy relationships. If something feels off, trust your instincts, and don’t hesitate to reach out to others for perspective.
Take care of yourselves and each other!

>>42198186
>>42216732
>desu I
I wasn't trying to quit porn for good during NNN, it was more of a way to test myself and see whether or not I was addicted
Turned out I was

>>42222138
>having a moral conscience + wanting the world to be better + recognizing that your death wouldnt change it
your motivation is surprisingly normal if you really break it down to the basics

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Let's see if I can post from the train. I made 4 posts during my trip offline, and I'd like to get them out in case I can't catch a break later or need rest. I've spent about 4 hours in a train by now.
>>42189037
>often don't even try to make things better because I'm scared or because it might be painful to change anything.
I understand, it's not uncommon to be paralyzed by fears like that. I think deep down we all know that our risk assessments are often warped by our past experience rather than informed by it, but it doesn't make these fears any less real, and it doesn't make it any less painful IF they come true.
Sorry that I'm quite late for the NYE night (happy new year, Anon!), but if you want we can talk about it more broadly.
>I wish I could be a being that is driven by something other than pain and fear.
One thing that will help you is, ultimately, exposure to the things you are afraid of, ideally with some "aftercare". You have friends, right? Tell me about common anxieties that hold you back, you seem to ruminate a lot about "what if"s for example. You see, one thing fear hinges on is experience; it weakens and dies as you do a scary thing and experience nothing bad at all. In terms of pain avoidance, fear too is a painful experience.
>>42189562
Thanks, Anon! I hope you had a pleasant one.
>>42191839
It's a beautiful thing to see people recover, to me at least. I wish you nothing but the very very best. And we're here for you no matter what.
>>42193601
Adorable way of bumping the thread, by the way.
>>42198617
Oh, sounds lovely! Thanks for sharing, Panty! One thing I really like (which apparently has taken off in recent years since I saw it premade in a supermarket) is a layered dessert made from grapes, mascarpone, cream, chocolate chip cookies and quark (essentially a more acidic greek yogurt). I don't think it has a real name, not as far as I know at least.

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>>42200092
>back to waking up at 4:30 : (
Jesus fucking CHRIST I struggle getting up at 6-7! All the best to you, Navy.. I know you can do it!
>>42196039
>i used to be a slob as a teenager, then something clicked for me and i kept my stuff clean and all.
Oh, I can relate to that, in my case it changed more or less as I adopted a kind of "continuous flow" approach where I picked up things habitually whenever I went from room to room, which led to me cleaning up more junk in a day than I drop, leaving the rooms tidy most days.
>probably should shower more than just once a month.
You could start with once a week on a fixed day around a fixed time, that should make it easy to keep track of!
>>42200800
>I'm generally quite 'straight passing' which I feel is a turn off for a lot of fem/androgynous guys who are more 'visibly queer'
Hm, here's a question: how many of those people have you tried to court? How did it go? Rather than saying you're right/wrong I would much rather make sure I'd come to the same conclusion given your experiences. Could be a matter of regional legbutt culture for all I know, after all. But my general advice would be to be audacious in your approach. Go for people you think you shouldn't, perhaps really go into it with the aim of making friends, and work from there if you click on that level.
>>42205268
>Ah, okay. It's still amazing how far you've gotten. Good for you. I am jealous.
Sweet of you, thank you!
>I am also tired of the French!
KEK, to be fair so are the French (Paris vs the rest of France, for example).
>>42206086
Congrats, Anon! That's wonderful news!
>I'm too lazy to voicetrain unfortunately, I don't think I can bruteforce my way through that.
From what I've heard it is a lot easier when you have someone you trust who has already done it coaching you a little. Either way, I am rooting for you, and wish you nothing but the very best!

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>>42204095
Ah, okay. Thanks for clarification!
>If the guy didn't want me in his lab or working with him,
Oftentimes these people are just neglectful, it is not the kind of position that is usually filled with conflict avoidant people. They'd just say no usually unless they have to gain something from making you wait (not the case).
>It's also possible I dodged a bullet, there was some weird shit about it all.
Oh? Wanna elaborate?
>*Oops!* spent 2 hours reading
I think it is worth re-trying that experiment a few more times, if you are okay with it. For now we know that reading to make you tired is a wash.
>Cardio is an easier sell
Cardio it is!
>Psyching myself up is the most arduous part.
>constantly having to have the clothes to run outside is a bit fucking annoying.
How about this: Create a dedicated spot for those clothes, shoes, everything you need in a bundle, if you can help it. If it is all just there, ready for pickup, and you make it a habit to fix that cardio pack up once you're back, you should have a much easier time. It might help with the psyching up!
>My pullup bar is in my yard
There are pullup bars you can attach to door frames indoors, would that work?
>It's harder for me. Not really knowing anyone in the area anymore,
Are there any old contacts you could pick up again?
>having to go far to see cool shit,
Oh that sucks, what's the closest things? By what mode of transport?
>being firmly against most social media,
based but i digress, though for context most online friends I have ever made (and met IRL) I met on 4chan, so..
>having a strange sense of humor
I admit I am only moderately hinged in the humor department as well. Honestly I found it a boon.

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>>42206424
>>42206469
>I'm recovering from a long period of eating disorders
I know that belly fat is always the first the body recovers post ED (and disproportionately so), so I can reassure you this will go away in time. I think the advice you've been given for exercise is quite good but don't hesitate to ask if there's any open questions!
>I'm not English.
You're doing amazing, don't you worry. Your English is better than my French after two to three years living in France. Let me add something else: I don't know if it is important to you, but other people that care about you will NEVER like you less for your belly, okay?
>>42212753
Welcome, robot! I've been maintaining /lgbt/sig/ since inception and I do believe we had the occasional robot chiming in, yes! I haven't interacted with /r9k/sig/ in a good while though, and don't post on r9k more than once or twice every few years. I believe I contacted them for resources last time I've been there, you know, exchanging info. Haven't done in a while, though. Do you guys maintain a pastebin of your own presently? By all means, pilfer from ours.
>>42212984
The people without any support have the lowest odds. Even if all the support they got is us in the beginning their chances are much higher. That's not an lgbt thing, it's a human condition thing.
>>42213117
>I think I should try getting a job and drivers license.
That sounds good, people in their teens have so much on their plate I don't think it's going to be indicative for how things will pan out now.
>As for the job thing, its just general nerves.
I 100% get it, unfamiliar circumstances are scary, I hope you know we're rooting for you here!
>>42208365
Thank you for the beautiful summary, Anon! I added this particular video to the resources md (for Dr. K's section), and crossref'd your post there for a summary. The paste isn't updated yet but that's because there has been a massive shadow lib borkage recently and I will need to figure out a way to cope with it.

ump

goodnight

>>42222408
>a lot of them are DL gay types
I never even thought of it like that, before. I'm not a fan of DL guys either, but never considered I give off the same vibe. A key chain isn't a bad idea, honestly. Thank you!
>(I mean my plan if transitioning isn't viable is to just function as an andro bishit on HRT, honestly)
If it makes you feel better, Andro guys are definitely the kind of people I'm trying to attract, basically anyone who doesn't present like I do. Though I'm completely indifferent to partners using HRT.
>>42227807
>how many of those people have you tried to court? How did it go?
On the apps, the best I've matched with are nb, poly, ethical non-mong types which is one thing that I'm not gonna budge on when it comes to relationships. Irl, I've approached a few guys in bars when I've wing manned for a queer friend but it didn't work out too well. I remember one experience I was at a bar I was chatting to a 'gay bestie' while my straight friend tried it on with his woman friend. He told me 'I don't go for straight guys' which threw me through the loop I'm in now tbqh.
>be audacious in your approach. Go for people you think you shouldn't
I'll give it a try, thank you. I'll try going for guys who I think would not be into me at all, just to see what happens. Thanks, anon!

bump

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All meaning and purpose in my life has been ripped away from me.

>>42198245
I love all the helltaker art

>>42208365
>Feeling lonely and isolated? Our can /numb/ that feeling by chatting with strangers online. That means the emotion gets stored in the aforementioned emotional storage. But what that emotion is trying to tell you is that you need real, meaningful interaction with a real person. Just an example.
I appreciate being surgically targeted
also thanks for the summary

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>>42208365
Alfie Kohn wrote a great book about motivation called “Punished by Rewards.” It’s an overview of behaviorism, which popularized the concept of motivating people with external rewards, and then a review of research on the effects of rewards on performance.

The gist is that although an external reward can make a person more interested in doing something in the short term, it makes you less interested in doing that same thing for the sake of doing it, and makes you more likely to only perform the task well enough to get the reward. Kohn calls wanting to do something for its own sake “intrinsic motivation.”

Also, on the topic of productivity and mental wellbeing, it’s important to remember that while it’s good to do what you want and need to accomplish, there is a limit to how much productivity can improve your inner quality of life, and modern culture tends to over value doing more for the sheer sake of doing more.

I love this thread :3

love you all <3

Can't hurt me >:3

bump

>>42241541
thanks

I think I will get good sleep tonight.

God i really did NOT miss going to work.
I can't wait to look for a better job next year

>>42232915
What happened, Anon?

>>42234265
Me took, makes me smile.

>>42247428
>me too

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Awaughhh hi anons. I'm feeling really aimless rn and if any of u have advice I'd uh, appreciate that a lot.

Basically I have no idea what to do with my life. I don't really care about the degree that I got, and whenever I try to think of something to pursue I just hit a wall. I don't have any real skills and I'm not pretty and I need a way out of this shit but I don't see any doors.

Anyway thanks for reading my blogpost uhhhhh plz help much love yall <3

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>>42162119
Are there any guides on how to confront my own thoughts and organize them?

I've been try to journal more, so that I can work through my issues and plan my future.

I can't seem to sit down and quietly deal with my thoughts, regarding my life.

My failures, my regrets, my goals and dreams and my 'traumas' are all buzzing in my head.

I have to admit to myself: I am addicted to disatractions and self isolation.
Even with my current studies, I struggle to keep procrastination at bay.

It takes more effort now than it did when I was younger.
I can't keep living like this at 25 years old.

Any advice, please?

>>42247481
we lov you twoo :3

>>42247481
A question I think you might find helpful is “What do I want to change?” You’re preoccupied with remote, abstract goals and overwhelmed by possibilities that aren’t in front of you. You don’t know where to start. So focus on the immediate. Look for something you don’t like about your current space/routine/lifestyle that you want to change, and make it better. Don’t try to make it perfect, because that might lead to more indecision, anxiety, and procrastination. Just make it better. Fix something that’s broken, or replace it with a better model. Bookmark all your open tabs and sort the bookmarks into folders. Throw away anything in your fridge that’s expired. Look for a chore that you’ve been putting off because it’ll take forever and give it the time it needs.

Show yourself that you can get something done to get the ball rolling. The more little things you accomplish, the more capable you will feel of tackling the big picture stuff. Don’t think five years out, think a month out. Think about it like this: Don’t pick an Everest to scale, just go for a jog. By the time you feel ready to tackle bigger projects, you’ll be ready.

bump

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>>42246568
Nothing. I think I'm just having another depressive episode. Been sleeping a lot lately. It'll pass.

>>42250367
bowump

page 9 save

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2 days of work and I already want a vacation because there'll be so much stuff to do.
Gonna post tomorrow, if I can help it.

>>42251455
Okay, I understood.
Hope things get better soon.

>>42225600
cute pic

I am not a good person, and should feel bad about myself.

>>42255748
Best of luck, we all appreciate the effort very much so.

bump

bump for actual best gen
i don't really post here but i should. do any mtfs here have experience developing self-love with, for lack of a better term, damning android proportions? i pass in day-to-day life and all because i'm not too tall and have a good voice and okay face, but i'm terribly insecure about my body and its tiny hips, broad ribs, and somehow disproportionately even-broader shoulders. i feel so gross. i want to believe a girl might someday find me attractive but it is difficult when i look like someone made Adonis skinnyfat and gave him boobs

>>42247481
for me it's relationships - having a family, friend circle, tribe of kind and trustworthy people that have each other's back, both when trouble strikes, and to simply keep social and energize each other in whichever pursuits currently strike their fancy
this is due to having my family split over the entire continent, being old, not too able-bodied, surrounded by people that speak another language, and having drifted away from all my friends during the dark times
what would you like to have more in your life, starting at the shortish term?

>>42247666
>I have to admit to myself: I am addicted to disatractions and self isolation.
mood
>Any advice, please?
I can only share what I'll be trying, with no idea if it'll work for me or help anyone else.
I've got a few things handicapping me from feeling "human" and "normal" enough to engage with others socially. So I'll make "projects" to improve those, and here I mean the GTD-style lightweight projects - each project is encouraged to start as just a goal and a next action I can do without needing to think. Can then be planned more deeply if needed, but this minimal form prevents analysis paralysis.
So for me those are
>even get a gtd system up and running and ensure it actually stays running and not clogged up, with the weekly review and anything
>this will require tools that work with my brain, so be it
>then, flesh out that rehab exercise and diet and sleep plan with gpt in a format that can be checked by my physio. Call him up, update plan with actual real life expert, then get started and sustain it. Result: can finally use body normally without constantly breaking. Can join more social activities with colleagues and friends, even brisk walks that are off-limits now. This and general physical activity and sun and nature will energize. Branch off into hiking. Then nature photography.
>learn the local language enough for 2 purposes for now: fix housing that's crippling me, and as a separate track, to be able to comfortably talk with others. Huge benefits to both
>get housing where I don't lock myself in my room due to how bad the situation is outside. Then I can cook again, rest in a living room, have space even for thinking, be able to eat better, bring home friends and company. Even have phone conversations without censoring myself. This opens so many doors.
>Reconnect with friends once the GTD and projects train is rolling. Now that I'd be working on actually living, I can finally feel normal enough to reconnect.
>See which things I want to do from there

I've hit a rock bottom again. I wake up at like 7pm, drank every day of the week last week and i'm not taking good care of myself or any of the tasks at hand.
I dont know why i always do this. Its hard to get into a frame of mind where i even want to accomplish anything. Garbage's been piling up too. Fuck my moid life.

How valid would it be to take a break in college next summer to do a year of paid millitary training in order to aquire troonout funds? They pay me well and as soon as i troon i'll be illegible for any further conscription or w/e bc of health regulations.
My family isnt that well off where i could be siphoning off funds for that
It'd suck for a year but i could weather the storm. I just dont want to be stuck and complacent for any longer. I already wasted my youth .

Yea

>>42254515
We appreciate you King
or Queen

>>42264884
>mood
I'm glad to know I'm not the only one trying to work through all of this.

>I can only share what I'll be trying, with no idea if it'll work for me or help anyone else
I appreciate the perspective on how to handle things.

>I've got a few things handicapping me from feeling "human" and "normal" enough to engage with others socially. So I'll make "projects" to improve those, and here I mean the GTD-style lightweight projects - each project is encouraged to start as just a goal and a next action I can do without needing to think
I'll try to put them into practice this week so long as I can make them relevant to me, just so I can check myself for now.

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>>42264440
I feel like I can speak to this. What we have in common is that you’re more concerned with how you want to look than how well you pass.

Your issue is that you’re focused on things that you don’t have as much control over. It’s possible to add mass to your hips by exercising and I think you should look into that, but when you talk about bone structure, you’re talking about aspects of your appearance where if a procedure is available at all, it’s going to be relatively new, expensive, risky, and couldn’t promise more than marginal change. If anything like that is in the cards for you that’s a different conversation entirely.

Which is why my advice is more about mindset. Even if you can’t change something, you can change the way you feel about it. You could meet someone that finds you attractive at any time, it’s a matter of statistics. And whenever that happens, they’re going to be looking at the same body you find so unappealing. And that dislike you feel for your own body is only going to get in the way of someone else desiring you and loving you. It’s not going to help you, it’s not going to make your life easier. It’s not a courtesy that people who love you and find you attractive will appreciate, because for them, being attracted to you and loving you will come to them intuitively. It will not be a chore. Hope that helps.

>>42267077
>I'm glad to know I'm not the only one trying to work through all of this.
I feel it might be a lot more common than we think

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Hi /sig/, Panty here. I’ve gotten a few things accomplished recently.

I took another pass at this pearl couscous recipe. It’s good, but I haven’t perfected it yet. This time I added diced tomatoes, corn, white beans, and substituted a sliced potato for a sliced zucchini just because my zucchini went bad. I think I added the tomatoes too late. Their flavor would probably stand out more if I cooked them with the onions and garlic. Also, I still want to try adding mushrooms into a future batch.

On Sunday I juiced a bag of lemons and froze the juice. I also froze some tofu on Sunday, unfroze it last night, and put it in a marinade. It’s going into chili in the next day or two.

I bought a tray to organize a shelf of the fridge where a bunch of jars were piling up in the back and I wasn’t sure what was in there. I also tossed a couple of things that had expired.

I started interval running, where I go on a walk but jog/run for little bursts every few minutes. I can’t do it for long so far, but I know I’m ready to start working on this.

I scheduled an appointment with a new therapist since my last one started practicing in another state.

Finally, I bought some new panties that aren’t designed specifically for transwomen. I went up a couple of sizes, but it’s on a size range that runs smaller. It feels like a sign the work I’ve been doing on my figure is moving in the right direction.

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>>42227830
>Thank you for the beautiful summary, Anon!
Sure thing. I hope it helps others and myself in the long run. Dr. K is great — the fact that he's a doctor and might lose his license if he gives bad advice really helps to establish trust imo
>there has been a massive shadow lib borkage recently
Yeah, I noticed. Anna's Archive is gone — a great loss for humanity (unironically)
Since we're talking about books, I picked up "Classical Mechanics" by Corben and Stehle. Is that a good resource for learning classical mechanics or can you recommend anything else? It looks good but I haven't dug in yet. I know about I've never studied any physics (didn't even take Physik in the Oberstufe) but I resolved to learn it on my own, next to my math degree.
>>42227807
>to be fair so are the French (Paris vs the rest of France, for example).
Ya! Paris is great tho, I go there with my parents sometimes. Last time we had a comfy little apartment in the 11th Arrondissement. How've you been liking it?

>>42162119
I've been really struggling with something and I want to get some advice on it. How does one actually start trusting people again in terms of a romantic relationship? Throughout my life the closest thing I've ever had to a relationship was people using me for validation or sexual shit and it has always always sucked. That was until a couple years ago when my friend asked me if I wanted to date and I was like hell yeah. A year later I found out they had been lying to me about something that meant the relationship could not work and they broke up with me about it. I won't go into details but essentially it turns out they never actually were in love with me and never felt about me the way I felt about them. Even now, a couple years later, I still feel like it's impossible for me to learn how to trust another person but I want to so, so badly. How do you go about learning to trust the integrity and honesty of others when everyone you've ever liked romantically has used you and then left? Am I just retarded?

>>42268004
>How've you been liking it?
France, I mean. Not Paris in particular

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>>42210342
Oh, given that it's more than understandable that you got worried about not being able to eat for a few days! It must be a relief to have that dealt with. Has your digestion recovered a little? In what situation do you struggle with your posture the most? On the phone, computer..?
>outside of this i never really had a goal, just less fat in some places and more fat and muscle in others
That's already a good start! Do you feel content besides? Wanna tell me a little about your life, perhaps? Anywhere in particular you feel lost?
>>42216193
Happy new year, Anon!
>I really like board games and TTRPGs.
Hell yeah, it's something I do enjoy from afar but hearing people with enthusiasm for it talk is always contagious!
>I've tried in the past to make friends IRL, and technically succeeded, but I didn't actually like it, none of the people I met IRL I could vibe with as with my online friends.
Hm, where did you look for friends? Did you ever participate in local events, many TTRPG stores (at least in the countries I've been to) seem to hold regular events, well, I mean it's quite essential for their business to give lower the high barrier of entry for actually playing.
>The friendships felt a lil uncomfortable, artificial?
Hm, this alien feeling is normal at the beginning of friendships especially. Did you only meet them in person or add them to your contacts? Maybe you find it easier connecting through text?
>>42216732
>>42227636
>Turned out I was
Ah, yes makes sense! And it is at the very least a habit, yes. You gonna try not doing it once a week for a start?
>My only real friend lives very far away and I have abysmal social skills
From scratch, it is. Normally I suggest starting from your interests and working from there, of course you can also try drawing from lgbt friendly spaces if those are a thing where you live, things like that. You say you have abysmal social skills, what exactly do you feel you struggle with most?

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>>42216783
Wishing you all the best, Anon! Don't hesitate to share your progress with us, or lean on us in the case of stalls and setbacks.
>>42217208
I would suggest, as a start, to NOT hold back asking for a second reassurance, and see how that works for you. But a perspective shift would likely do you well, also. Ask yourself: if roles were reversed, how would YOU feel reassuring someone? Would it bother you? Probably not, right? People want to be needed, Anon. People need to be needed, by someone, at least sometimes, to feel like they belong.
>>42220357
Happy to hear the social vitamins gave you exactly what you needed! Perhaps the trip itself was also essential, you have a lot on your plate and needed a break, it seems.
>she probably thinks i'm a loser tho.
If she does it's a lack of empathy on her end, honestly.
>i'll make it a point i do actively talk to more people irl and meet new people.
And that is a wonderful goal to set, wishing you all the best, as always. <3
>>42221348
Awesome, Carina! I really like training machines for a related reason, just the satisfaction of seeing the weight I can lift go up.
>>42224606
When I had debilitating back pain issues I went to my doc, got a checkup, and when he said all I need was exercising a particular set of muscle regions I went to a local gym for recommendations how to best accomplish that. But the other Anon makes a good point I think!

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>>42222784
Oh I see, yeah I 100% get it, I think it's even healthy that you didn't immediately bother to mention it, our limitations don't define us, after all. Doesn't make them suck any less, which ties into the depression part, but I do think I understand.
>Plus I'm out of a wheelchair and do pretty well on crutches now
That's good news, were you doing like,
>As for lifestyle changes my spouse and I are getting into board games
Oh nice! Personally I get easily overwhelmed by new board games which is why I stick to things I know with comparably few rules like Carcasonne. I'd love to hear how your lifestyle changes develop, sounds all like exciting stuff that can be worked on in nice and concrete terms.
>>42223455
>trying to make sure the first time i presented fem in public would go ok.
Oh, that is of course dangerous. You made a big deal out of the first time presenting female and put so much time into it you ended up self sabotaging through perfectionism. It can happen, I am sorry you went through this. Don't beat yourself up too much, insecurities can consume one easily like that, and it is okay to ask for help/having people reign you in for it not to happen again.
As for the aid, yeah ANYTHING administrative between the years is always a real mess, since seemingly half the people are already on vacation by mid December.
>im planning on calling them again on monday. hopefully that will help.
Did the Monday call work out? I know I'm a little late to the party, it's my first week of work at a new place. I'm looking forward to hearing from you, once we know more about the aid we can worry about the classes.
>>42234265
>>42247428
I'm glad you like them, I find that they are one of the themes I go for that strike a nice balance between providing a comfortable atmosphere while letting me emote. I like yurucamp for much the same reason.

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Silly blogpost: New job has been fine, telling my coworkers I have an endocrine issue lmao (100% gonna bite me later but idc).
I wanna try and make some replies in a day or two when I'm off shift.
I'm not really sure what to actually tell people at work beyond "i was joining the army, now I'm not because I have an endocrine issue that they thought was a bone density risk" (which is a white lie I feel bad about but like, I'm not trusting people I don't know). - how do other manmoders explain ts?
Oh also had a first proper round of electrolysis, not as bad as my old laser place desu (i miss them, their laser was extremely effective so I may go back despite the cost) but yea this'll take a while.
>>42227807
Been waking up at 4:15 as it turns out : P I've not booted my computer in like 3 days? (Ew phone posting - hence unusual image) I think when I'm on shift I'll just leave it off, probably not good for the MH.
>>42205268
>I am also tired of the French!
A lot of my coworkers are French q-q. Hopefully don't have to bail there if the UK goes to shit

>>42268568
You rly dont owe anyone full transparency esp at the workplace. In my experience people love to get into drama just bc of the boredom of daily toil so its best not to give them ammo. Depends on the size of the business you're working in tho ig.
I'd say you did the right thing. I've had a lot of issues just because i wasn't actively pursuing women in my spare time kek. It was utterly unfathomable to people i just didnt feel like it. Being on hrt must be even tougher in social situations. I intend to get on it myself but yeah.

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>>42232915
The downs have become quite frequent for you, recently. Do you feel like circumstances are deteriorating or might it be it is pure brain chemistry fuckery?
>>42225600
Welcome back, Anon! I dunno if you saw my response last thread (>>42154283) but I am still there for you to try and help you move out of this pit. It is difficult. Like I said, I wanna help you out of this hell, one babystep at a time.
>>42234658
Oh, I think I heard of this! Gonna put a [resources] tag here, I am not sure if/where to incorporate it in the resources but it is an important general insight I think.
>>42227133
I agree, it is a difficult thing to find a safe community, a support NETWORK where everyone is connected to several other people, a web of trust if you will, where you can rely on people keeping an eye on one another. After all, sometimes people can be bad for one another through little fault of their own (codependence). Having others sanity check these matters is always a good idea.
>>42230414
>He told me 'I don't go for straight guys' which threw me through the loop I'm in now tbqh.
Honestly that's a bit of a dick move. Had I been in that situation I probably would have retorted with a quip because I don't think it was in his right to basically call you straight to your face when you communicated that you aren't. "Fucking men does not have a dress code" is definitely a hill I would die on. I get that many queers wouldn't *initiate* with a straight passing guy because what are the odds he is gay or bi, but when it's unambiguous? Maybe I am naive, though.
>I'll give it a try, thank you.
I wish you nothing but the very best!

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Enough for tonight, this first week is really fucking me, God..
That said, things are going okay. Just didn't have a weekend, or a restful week before.

>>42268690
Alfie Kohn kept a blog at some point, I’ll see if he wrote any blog posts that could serve as a good introduction to what he wrote about in his books. We can mention the book as further reading, but a blog post link might be a better thing to put in the resources than “Find this book and read it.”

>>42268842
Here’s two blog posts. You might want to mirror or archive these eventually in case Kohn’s personal website shuts down.
But here’s Kohn briefly summarizing his research on motivation and the impact of Behaviorism. Although these are blog posts, they include citations.

Alfie Kohn on the science of motivation:
https://www.alfiekohn.org/blogs/lots-of-love/

Alfie Kohn on behaviorism and its impact on the science of learning and productivity:
https://www.alfiekohn.org/article/behavior/

I'm this close to applying for a job but I have kind of bad driving anxiety and very bad weather anxiety and keep thinking about a situation where I get fired because I don't want to drive to/from work during one of the many thunderstorms from hell that ravage the midwest every spring

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>>42268290
Yeah. Being crippled in and of itself doesn't actually suck too bad, being locked out of public life because shit like stairs and curb cuts was what made me want to either rope or get out. At least I got crippled just in time to dodge peak trans athlete panic.

The board games are hard and I had a few meltdowns from getting frustrated, but it's starting to get easier. But frustration about cognitive things like this is usually a good sign, it means your brain is trying to make new connections.

The lifestyle changes for the new year are basically a second full time job. I'm transitioning to a medical diet, making a very focused effort to sleep better, reading books, journaling (and actually tracking seizures I notice, and it is starting to go down), practicing languages, etc. Basically when I'm not working my day job, I am doing something that might be good for my brain.

>>42268725
I hope you get to rest soon!

I'm only getting 2 to 3 hours of sleep before my walk.
I need to stop doing this to myself.
I don't like feeling like this.

I have a ton of issues and i keep spilling onto internet strangers. That isn't good. I have literally 0 friends irl and don't feel comfortable speaking with family and others. I'm feeling very overwhelmed right now and also mildly annoyed that i'm still struggling with the same exact fucking problems i've had since i was like thirteen. It's just pathetic.
Even if i solve all of my issues i'll probably still be a very worthless guy.
This too is a cope but it just makes me want to act out and call everyone slurs and basically spaz out and hit things until they break. I hate feeling that way as well.
I dislike how people parrot the facismile of acceptance and awarness of mental health struggles but i've never gotten any help from anyone probably because of my. Family never giving a fuck that i was clearly not developing right. Couldn't sleep between the ages of 12-16. Had multiple crashouts. Would act out in anger and oppose authority, get into trouble at school, have 0 friends or social contact all throughout highschool, clearly no motivation for anything.
I'm a grown man now so it falls fully onto my shoulders to figure this shit out. I dislike how none of my parents think i'm entitled to feel any kind of a way bc dad worked hard to provide and they kept me fed and warm for 20 years. I really wanted to call them nonsensical slurs all throughout this rant but i hate swearing and not having control over my impulses.
Earlier today i got criticized for something(rightfully so) and before i could even process it mentally i already started to swear before catching myself in surprise. I'm a slob and a retard but whenever i lived by myself i was feeling way better than i do usually but i'm also too retarded to even work and support myself.
I've had some thoughts of suicidal ideation but i'm not gonna do it. I just cope by imagining it as an exit route when i get overwhelmed which happens often but i'm never going to do it.

I would also like to troon
I need help.

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>>42270777
I feel like it’s very common for Millenials and younger generations to not become economically independent on the schedule their parents expected them to, and then be made to believe that’s a personal failing, but because the internal challenges we dealt with as children were not addressed when we were growing up, we tell ourselves that we’re economically unsuccessful because we’re maladjusted, and maladjusted because we were failed. But I’m pretty sure when Boomers and Gen Xers were young adults, they could get away with all kinds of diabolical behavior, and they still think they should be able to.

I get what you mean about the thin, performative way so much tolerance for mental health issues and other differences shakes out. The bottom line is that a lot of that is just people trying to keep from getting sued, or saying what sounds good without really understanding what walking the walk looks like. Be skeptical. Be cynical. But don’t let the phonies convince you that the real thing isn’t out there, or worth fighting for.

It’s a sign of strength and courage to regret the kind of behavior you described, and admit that you were acting that way to escape the kind of vulnerability you were even more afraid of. It’s great that you want to learn how to deal with your emotions in a healthier way in the future, but that need not have been the only reason you didn’t live up to your parents’ expectations.

So you didn’t become the person your parents want to be. So what? Make the most of this life that you can. You’ve done things you regret. That means you know what you want to change.

If you want a concrete step to take, I would say get a therapist. They would help you figure out what you want in terms of mental health, setting other kinds of goals, and maybe even transitioning. And it’s their job to support and advise you, so you wouldn’t have to worry about burdening them.

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how ti deal with not really caring at all about people?
like wanting to care but cant?
irts strange
they relly on me but i cant...i cant love them truly
I just give attention enoughs o they dont leave me
am i fucked up?
Only one person deserves me or rather gets my full attention and even then i dont think i love them i just say i do
i feel broken fundamentally. I try to be "nice" and "kind" but it feels so pointless.
i really wish i could give up on everything and everyone and ye i come back to the sam eday and same people
I wanna give up as like a final note xd

im attention whoring a bit feel free to utterly ignore
10 years ago i promised i would kms if i didnt fix mylife by the time im 30
im almost 30
wish me luck on the big one boys and girls
ill keep it to myself ofc but like what can i say
cant deny the high of sharing

>>42271510
What does fixing your life entail?
And you don’t have to hold yourself to an arbitrary deadline, or believe that not achieving everything you feel like you need to by age 30 means you never can. Nor does it mean you’re too “behind” other people for it to matter.

There will always be people ahead of you and behind you according to any metric of personal achievement, and everyone’s full potential is going to look different.

Lots of people have made consequential achievements after their twenties. And anyway, the surest way to guarantee you never amount to anything is to kill yourself because you didn’t get there fast enough.

>>42271510
i gave myself until 30 too. its right around the corner and im scared

amp

>>42227822
>weird shit
He had me do some strange tasks for him. One was going to an event with donors to represent a club I wasn't actually a part of with another person who also wasn't a part of it. Turns out the club already sent somebody, so we met with them, told them what was up, and then left. He later told us he didn't know the person they sent and wanted to make sure it was someone knowledgeable which rubbed me the wrong way. He was essentially conscripting me for a club salespitch.
Another thing he had me do was go to some meet and greet with candidates who were interviewing for faculty positions. No other students showed up the other times he had these events, I'm guessing, so I think he just sent me. I was both bemused and slightly amused by the requests and thought that it would be a nice break from the monotony of classes, a little adventure, and maybe a chance to get in his good graces. I'm desperate for any sort of things I can pad my resume with.
>ready for pickup
I'll give it a try. I can start this weekend.
>There are pullup bars you can attach to door frames indoors, would that work?
Only reason I hadn't done this earlier was because I didn't have any money for one, but I might be able to procure one now.
>Are there any old contacts you could pick up again?
Nah, I didn't really make any connections. I know, I'm a loser ;-;
>I found it a boon
Interesting, it just seems to get in the way for me. What makes you see it as a boon? Most people don't want to hear my manifold infantile jokes and the environments are never appropriate for me to make them anyway.

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>>42268193
i think i just needed to vent about something unfortunate and off putting without being treated like i was dirty or weird for going through it. time has mostly sorted me out and i’m returning to baseline, hope you get some rest

>>42270143
Why are you staying up so late?

>>42268242
>Perhaps the trip itself was also essential, you have a lot on your plate and needed a break, it seems.
very real that was probably it, i feel really good about the upcoming semester and my goals of getting in shape + getting a job
>If she does it's a lack of empathy on her end, honestly.
idk i do feel like drunk texting her was a loser move, but it won't happen again. i don't have her contact anymore :D
>And that is a wonderful goal to set, wishing you all the best, as always. <3
thank you ^-^ and you too goodluck <3

luckily my bloodwork is mostly normal and i do not have liver cirrhosis, just a minor case of fatty liver which should fix itself as a cut down my weight :3 i can feel it, this year is the year i will finally stop the cycle of doom! as always love you all goobers <3 sending big fat forehead smoochies and hugs for you all ⊂((・▽・))⊃

Its a better day today

bump

I just wanted to disappear into my own life, become nothing and return to nothing. Being something is very difficult; it would be good to be nothing and have the same relevance to everyone as an insignificant cloud in the sky.

Not that it isn't true; if I disappeared, only my mother would notice, probably. Being a NEET is being nothing, having no job or university (who's to say I won't drop out of university again?), it's being less than subhuman. :p

nai nai bump

>>42279653
Thanks.

>>42162119
I hope you all are doing okay.

>>42274002
It's a relief to be able to vent every now and then, I'm glad you are feeling a little better.

good morning sig

>>42284981
good morning again sig, slept for 13 hours

bussy bump

>>42286553
impressive, rough day?

>>42287844
not the worst day this week, i needed it though

bump it up

Cleaned out a few years' worth of expired junk in my cabinets and fridge

>>42291482
Gonna do that after I wake up again, except it'll be garbage on my computer first.

>>42162119
I'm going to get my notes together regarding my career concerns, before then I feel like recapping a few things regarding what has been going on within my family and personal life.

I will try my best not to needlessly vent, I'll stick to the facts.

>>42267448
>I feel it might be a lot more common than we think
That seems correct, it's gotten bad for a lot of people.
I just don't know why I seem to sabatoge myself at every turn.

I am more powerful than ever

alright, updates later today

>>42268004
>Anna's Archive is gone — a great loss for humanity (unironically)
Correction here: It seems they just lost the .org domain.

If I can't make a contribution and leave a legacy, I might as well go back to doing drugs. Not a threat, just an observation. I fail to see any other point in life

a clique of local trans girls are real mean to me and have been for years. i want to let it go an heal, but every 6 or seven months a girl will go: "wow some people told me some really bad stuff about you, now we cant be friends." i like, dont talk to these girls, i mostly stay way away. wish i could have it be over. it's like they need to have be as a bogeyman to justify to themselves the horrible ways they treat trans girls, especially trans girls who are just out ("well it was bad to tell the catgirl that catgirls are cringe and she has to be a dog girl now, but like??? nona was really awkward five years ago so it's justified")

i dunno. i'm mostly just trying to be a good example to the trans girls who look up to me (cuz im a total smokeshow passoid)

not sure how anyone could help me besides just saying "ignore them and just keep focusing on myself and your peers but??? it sucks"

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>>42298391
I think there are other ways to do hedonism that aren't just "do drugs" There is a vast range of experiences out there beyond just drugs (which I personally don't oppose recreational usage of), so it's worth trying those out as well.
In some ways, I don't really think there is a point to any of it, and the only option is to just mess around and treat it all as a game, which can be just as much screwing around with biohacking, doing out there things that other people won't (for example, free soloing or like cave diving or something). If there's nothing to lose, there's never really a reason not to try and go do things.
>>42268048
I think the only way is to try to accept that you can (and possibly likely will) be hurt at some point. Sort of a case of leaving yourself open and just having the character/resilience to cope with the strays you catch along the way until you can find something that works.
The closest I've gotten to a genuine relationship ended up with her BF (yes, I know I'm evil) holding a knife to my throat, so I'm probably the wrong person to reply lol.
>>42264440
Idk if it works for people who aren't bishits, but I just learned to love, for lack of a better term, clocky mtfs and chose to confer positive values onto them. I can accept features in myself that make me dysphoric if I can see them as beautiful in others.
>>42271430
Sounds dumb/obvious, but therapy and talking it out with irl with someone. There's probably a root cause as to why you feel the way you do that may lie in experience or otherwise, but it might take a while to pin it down.

>>42298605
>biohacking
>free soloing or like cave diving or something
Idk, none of that sounds appealing to me. I've always hated sports personally. Thanks for the recommendation tho. It doesn't really matter

>>42298391
sounds like delusions of grandeur idk you ever hear about those? you leave a permanent mark just by moving through the world.

>>42298684
Yeah, maybe. It doesn't really matter what you call it.
>you leave a permanent mark just by moving through the world.
Obviously not what I'm talking about

>>42298700
what, you wanna be famous? it sucks actually

>>42299635
I certainly don't want the fame of pop or movie stars, agreed. I want to make an intellectual contribution that outlasts my own life. It wouldn't really matter to me if it gets recognized in my own lifetime. But that's not something that's in the cards, so whatever. Better to not try than to embarrass myself I guess

>>42298391
I definitely felt this same reluctance to start working towards my goals, because I was afraid that if I couldn’t achieve the exact result I wanted, I wouldn’t be satisfied with doing my best and getting as close as I could.

What I learned from actually doing the work to achieve my goals is that the process feels good. I’ve enjoyed making positive changes and things being better.

It’s easy to feel like you want a specific outcome and nothing else will make you happy, but I can tell you from experience that starting the journey and keeping at it can be really satisfying as well.

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Well shit saturday just whizzed past me
Guess I will update tomorrow. Thank you all for your patience..

>>42299844
so what your saying is you'd be okay if you never knew if you made a huge impact? live as if you're the last record of the human species

>>42301121
Wishing you all the best, thank you for all of the effort.

>>42292701
Family and personal life:
>Father still working a rough job
>Mother is okay, trying to keep our house in order
>Parents don't communicate at all
>House may still be up for sale sometime this year, most likely
>I am moving along, a little less aimless but I'm still trying to figure what my best options are
>Nobody is too sure on what we need to do in order to get by but we need to get serious
>Sisters are struggling to get ahead in life
>One of my sisters confessed to traumatic abuse (I'm not even sure I can describe it further), I'm horrified I didn't find out until now

That's all I can say for now, I'll explain more later and follow up when asked I just need to get to sleep soon.

>>42301121
why so busy signon

>>42303969
Life has many things happening in it.

ughmp

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>>42262110
Thank you, Anon!
>>42261560
>I am not a good person, and should feel bad about myself.
Your screaming into the void is always welcome, I hope you don't mind me prodding you in return, though! Another Anon said this not too long ago, are you the same, someone new? We're here for you.
>>42247666
>My failures, my regrets, my goals and dreams and my 'traumas' are all buzzing in my head.
That's a lot at once, do you try and sit down to write down "everything", or have you tried perhaps keeping a small scratchpad with you and jotting down fragments of whatever comes to mind in the moment? This way you wouldn't be staring at a blank page and could flesh out later.
>>42264440
>bump for actual best gen
awh..
> i feel so gross. i want to believe a girl might someday find me attractive but it is difficult
Even though I don't struggle with dysphoria one thing I feel I can contribute is the following: don't put the cart before the horse in these matters. Your self image will drastically change when you let yourself make positive experiences. I never felt attractive until I had my first few encounters with people who made me feel that way, and they liked things about me I didn't. Your lovers will look at you with different eyes.
>>42265001
>I've hit a rock bottom again.
I'm sorry to hear, Anon. I am glad you speak up. I wanna help you get back in the groove.
>Its hard to get into a frame of mind where i even want to accomplish anything.
That is how it gets you, really. It's a ton of "small things that don't matter" (to you in the moment), that as they pile up, increasingly fuck you up. What is it that drives you to drink, usually? Do you recall something specific that made you slip? Alcohol numbs, is there something you try to get away from? Other than that, we can try make a list of things that need doing and slowly ease you out of this. We can try identify root causes together, and I can give you some pointers to make your own meaning.

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>>42265115
Depends on the country, I have been told concerning things through the grape vine, with recruiters in particular actively lying to people. Sadly I can't give any advice that would be grounded in personal experience but if you could find someone from your country who has gone through the process you could at least double check the veracity of your info.
>>42268004
>Yeah, I noticed. Anna's Archive is gone
The .org domain is at least kill, yeah. With libgen gone, AA shrinking.. I am glad I always add the ISBN of the books I put in the resources, not just so people can buy it if they wanna, but because it's the one reasonably unique identifier that will always help people find the book.
>Since we're talking about books, I picked up "Classical Mechanics" by Corben and Stehle.
Hm, I didn't read it but I gave it a brief skim. I found it's beginning chapters a little obtuse, I would recommend to compare and contrast with Taylor's book on classical mechanics. I would say a common approach is Newton-Lagrange-Hamilton-Relativity, with wave and continuum mech sprinkled in between somewhere. I liked Lagrange/Hamilton a lot more than Newton.
>I've never studied any physics (didn't even take Physik in the Oberstufe)
Knowing Oberstufenphysik, I can attest you missed absolutely nothing.
>but I resolved to learn it on my own, next to my math degree.
A lovely choice, depending on your particular degree you might be able to add a theoretical physics course as Individuelle Ergänzung. Might be worth looking into it even if you wanna self study, free credits are free credits.
>How've you been liking it?
It's nice overall, though working and dealing with French administrative processes has been a major headache, the stubborn centralism gets in the way of everything. Quality of life and general culture has been pleasant though. I am starting to get the feeling I'd much rather live than work here.

bump!

bump

Finally have it a little bit better put together for the second term of uni, crammed shit hours before the exams and did alright. Went to the gym today and trying for 3 days a week.

Its so surreal not being completely fucking misreable all the time. /lgbt/ did make me go into a little spiral of >tfw no bf but that's it. Still need to fix my sleep schedule, staying up late today so I don't sleep 6pm - 4am.

My theory is that after like 3 months of taking vitamin d pills the doctor gave me my vit d levels are good probably for the first time in a very long time. The doctor gave me these massive 50,000iu pills which were very hard to swallow and then I switched to regular pills as I couldn't afford any more.

Felt like blogposting,remember to get your vitamin levels checked if you can (if you can...) I went to the doctor because my hair was falling out and I thought I was balding lolz

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>>42267633
Cooked myself today, a simple dish (penne in a garlic tomato sauce), but filling and tasty.
I'm glad I did, in spite of the .. subpar kitchen I had to work with (moving again).
>>42268048
I think romantic relationships may be too few and far between to be a good place to try and rebuild trust. What about friends? I think building trust with people close to you in a platonic sort of way is probably the best way to go.
>>42268568
I think it's the kinda white lie to protect your privacy any functioning adult should expect of people. Maybe that's an extreme stance but I was raised with a "nobody is entitled to your personal info" sorta mindset. I think you are doing well on that front.
>Been waking up at 4:15
Christ almighty..
>>42268842
>>42269105
Oh this is very good, Anon!
Noted, and putting it in the resources! I have.. a bit of a to do list I need to work off, actually! I very much appreciate it!
>You might want to mirror or archive these eventually in case Kohn’s personal website shuts down.
Oh yes I might convert them to markdown and put them in the external posts/blog paste! Good thinking, Anon.

>>42268193
>You gonna try not doing it once a week for a start?
Probably twice a week, once a week feels like too little
>what exactly do you feel you struggle with most?
Everything, from eye contact to knowing what to say to people to body language, it's like I'm barely human in that aspect
I think it's because I'm neurodivergent

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>>42269227
It sounds like a good idea, generally. You could try and see if you can opt for a workplace that supports WFH, but the more long-term sustainable solution would be to expose you to the anxiety, safely and at your own pace. Maybe driving with a friend? Even just sitting in the car in bad weather might be a start to get you accustomed. It is a thing that you can rid yourself off with salami tactics like those where you keep pushing the limits of your comfort.
>>42269733
I'm glad to hear the board games are getting easier, any particular one you enjoyed in particular so far? Just curious about the types you wound up playing!
>Basically when I'm not working my day job, I am doing something that might be good for my brain.
First of all, that it awesome that you are working hard on yourself! But if it's alright I gotta stress that you must also look out to not burn yourself out, okay?
>I hope you get to rest soon!
Thank you so much, Anon. My love also pushed me to make sure I don't overexert myself, just had a talk today actually. I'm trying, and the weekend helped a great deal.
>>42270143
I know the other Anon already asked but just letting you know we're here for you if you wanna talk about it.
>>42271430
>they relly on me but i cant...i cant love them truly
What does it mean to you? Do you feel detached from people, try expressing the ways in which you are, and try recalling how it was in the past for you. I think it is worth exploring what the terms of what you would consider love actually are to understand why you feel like you don't give enough of it. At least that is how I understand you here.
>>42274002
No biggie Anon, I'm always glad to listen, even if I take a while to respond.

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>>42270777
>It's just pathetic.
I understand that this disdain for your situation, but I don't think it pathetic at all, you are in a shitty situation and have not been given the tools to aptly resolve it, so you ask for help. Being stuck is not a weakness of character, often it is just a lack of critical resources. I am glad you came. To recap, you are lonely and want to make meaningful connections with people,
>Earlier today i got criticized for something(rightfully so) and before i could even process
>i'm also too retarded to even work and support myself.
you consider yourself incapable (in what ways? how does your "retardation" manifest?), consider getting a job I assume (what are your qualifications?)
>I would also like to troon
wanna transition,
>I'm feeling very overwhelmed right now
> it mentally i already started to swear before catching myself in surprise.
and need help grounding yourself/cope with emotions as the crop up. I do think Panty raises a good point with trying out therapy, but we do have resources that might help you on top.
There's multiple fronts to tackle at once here so I will try simple, would you perhaps wanna try and find people who share your interests, it's a common hack getting to know people if your location allows.
>>42271510
>>42271840
Being over 30 myself I assure you it is by far not as bad as it seems, but I get *why* you set that goal like this. I think that big, overarching, abstract goals like "fix life" lack concreteness though and can often make our lives miserable, this is why I tend to stress the utility of SMART goals ITT. If you want we can try and subdivide the nebulous goal of getting shit together into smaller goals that feel more attainable, because without a concrete set of small goals the pressure will only build for you.
>>42274618
I'm glad to hear, Anon!

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Alright, enough for tonight.
>>42273205
That first thing at least sounds horrendously suspicious, yeah. What the hell?
>I'll give it a try. I can start this weekend.
Do tell me how it went! And I'm glad you have the funds secured now for the bar, so that will make things easier during shitty weather conditions.
>Nah, I didn't really make any connections. I know, I'm a loser ;-;
Not at all, Anon. But in that case my first question would be the usual one of "what are your interests, and where could you go where people can bond over it?"
>What makes you see it as a boon?
>Most people don't want to hear my manifold infantile jokes and the environments are never appropriate for me to make them anyway.
My trick is actually precisely to foster an environment in which my humor is appreciated, and choosing my company to consist of people who enjoy my presence. Sure, it means not everyone can vibe with me, but those that do genuinely enjoy my presence so much more, and it becomes a game to adjust/tweak my jokes to their tastes in turn, it adds a playful dimension to relationships. Also, people's humor can tell you things about their general boundaries and subjects of comfort, and it can also be an advantage for some people to steer clear of me, I think.
>>42274523
>luckily my bloodwork is mostly normal and i do not have liver cirrhosis
Oh thank fuck, nothing but the finest vibes for your goals, Anon.
>>42277634
Hey there :v, haven't seen you in a bit! I suppose you are venting, but something must be weighing on your mind, wanna talk about it?
>>42291482
Well done, Anon! These things are so important for one's mental, in the long run. I am glad you take care of yourself.
>>42291520
And I hope it went well for you, too!

pg9 b00mp

Wish there was a way to kill yourself without dying. I just dont want to experience reality as much as i do. Its fucking boring and annoying. Day in dat out. Oh i wonder what will it be tomorrow? Wake up, jerk off and then either wall around for 5 hours or play on the computer till sleep. Great dude. Just what i wished for, exactly as was promised. Working sucked too to be fair. Education stank too and i was horrible at it. I just want to have memory blackouts. Cant imagine a nicer feeling than to wake up tomorrow only to find out that i cant recall the last 20 years and i'm this much closer to death.
>Oh but what if you changed and did that and this.
Won't work. I'm low IQ and psychologically mutilated. Nothing will ever get better. I wish i hadn't quit drinking.

Gonna post something decent after some more rest.

Goodluck everyone!

>>42298391
im feeling the same honestly, life is just suffering outside of distractions and i stopped drugs to think, i've achieved nothing meaningful/substantive while everything outside that bubble keeps getting worse in the meantime
now thinking is the bane of my existence again and i desperately want it to stop since it brings no value to my life
>>42300829
come back in 5 years and say the same

this website is really bad for my body image

8

>>42314580
>Won't work
Right now you're dying without killing yourself. Literally any change would be better than your current situation.

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I am so so so sad right now. After midterms, none of my quizzes, lab exams went well. NOT A SINGLE ONE. I keep making silly silly mistakes. Everything is going wrong. My grandma died last week. I worked really hard on a research assignment for CSE340 and I just saw that my AI usage percentage for that assignment is shown to be 60%. I lost like 5 marks for that. I did use notebookllm while doing that assignment now I am so regretful and devastated. Now I can only lose 4 marks in the finals to get an A. But CSE340 is a difficult course and it is almost impossible to lose only 4 marks on the finals. I also had my CSE423 final yesterday and it went so badly that I was solving that question in my dreams today too and I woke up crying. I had such good grades up untill this semester, now I feel like everything is going to go downhill. Maybe I only did well in the past because my course combinations were easy. This semester all 4 of my courses are difficult and I am showing my true capacity. I have 2 final exams left (2 days later) but I could not study at all today. I am just so sad. I'm going to lose my scholarship, and then will have to give up on my dreams of being a student tutor, then I'll never be a faculty, and my parents will forcefully marry me off and I will never be happy.

I went to the gym today but I was only there for 22 minutes. I feel like I can do more.
Go to the gym twice today or leave it?

>>42319450
Go again but do different stuff

>>42316004
>come back in 5 years and say the same
I’ve tried disillusionment already. I’ve told people “I should be happy but I’m not because I want something I can’t have, so let me end my life.” You, of course, want to stay alive, but to surrender to addiction.

Here’s the catch. To decide we can only be happy (or fulfilled or satisfied) under certain conditions, is a choice we make. It’s not the only choice we have.

Audrey Hepburn wanted to be a ballerina, and did secret ballet performances in Nazi-occupied France as a teenager. But by the time the war was over she was too tall for ballet. Her story is significant because after that she became an actress, started a family, and became a UN diplomat.

There are also plenty of people who can say they got everything they wanted, and it didn’t make them feel the satisfaction they expected.

But I really do hope you find something better to do with your life than drugs. I don’t know what substance you’d be using, but if it’s addictive you’re eventually going to need more of it to feel the same high, you’re going to experience withdrawal without it, and you’re probably going to end up in situations where you have to figure out how to get more of it while going through the agony of not having it. I have heard many stories of people who regretted developing a drug addiction, but I’ve never heard the story of someone who was happier staying addicted. I don’t see why that’s your idea of the easy way out. It seems like a pretty tough way to go.

You don’t have to let anything I say change your mind if you don’t want to, either. That’s another choice you have. But I hope somebody finds what I just wrote here helpful.

>>42319865
>>>/r/eddit is that way, kind stranger

EDIT: Thanks for the heckin golderino!

>>42319865
>I have heard many stories of people who regretted developing a drug addiction, but I’ve never heard the story of someone who was happier staying addicted
ozzy osbourne?

>>42320058
Maybe Ozzy did say at one point that drugs were just right for him, and he dif use drugs throughout his life, but he also did try to get sober many times, relapsed many times, and found satisfaction in things besides drugs like continuing to make music and starting a family.

But moreover, I think I made my point badly to leave you trying to think of one example of someone who was happier staying addicted to drugs. Instead, let me put it this way: The odds of that working out for you are not in your favor.

>>42162119
i started college today, over 3 years after graduating highschool. being around all the normal, pretty cis women made me wanna kill myself. everyone at my school is so beautiful. just walking around i feel like such a freak. i just wish i was normal. i just wish i was a normal girl.

i didn't say a word to anyone all day except at the end of my classes i waited for all the other students to leave so i could ask my teachers a question. they were both nice. just within my first tiny 60 second interaction with my first teacher she found a chance to give me a sad look and tell me that i apologize too much. just like everybody else does.

twinks are beautiful

>>42319421
First, breathe. 4 counts in, hold for 2 counts, 6 counts out. That's it.
I'm sorry for your loss. From what you wrote, you were close to your grandma, and her passing broke you.

From what I'm hearing:
> You're AFAB (Assigned Female At Birth)
Or else your parents wouldn't be marrying you off
> CSE340 is Computer Architecture
> CSE423 is Computer Graphics
> The university is Brac university; Dhaka; Bangladesh
> Coherent with the practice of marrying girls off.
Those subjects when I myself attended a similar university were killer subjects intended to halve the student population.
With your grandma's passing, it's obvious you cannot concentrate.
Maybe you could get preferred treatment (ie. taking exams slightly later) to mourn your grandma? Western universities do that after a plea to the dean, and they tend to be granted as a one time deferment.

Otherwise, you will need to compartmentalize. Stop everything. Everything. Give yourself an hour. Think about your grandma. Cry, scream, bang on the wall, the floor if you need to. If you take longer, that's okay. You're okay. That's a natural reaction, you should be given days.
And then think of your mission. A life free from the tradition of being married away and slaving away in a kitchen. A life free. Tell yourself, you will go back to mourning your mom after you're finished with the exams. Because you do. Because your survival literally depends on the mark you will get on architecture and graphics.

And then get back and try to study. If you have time, try to have a full night of sleep, that's better than cramming before an exam.

Graphics is math heavy, so if you're good in matrix multiplication, you're halfway there (learn affine transforms, and how most every operation can be expressed in them), the other half is the apis

If you're aiming for the high marks, both of them are hard, but neither should be unsurmountable.
You've got this,
Even now.

I love you all, stay safe.

i am starving myself so that maybe men will like me one day

>>42324072
Please make healthy lifestyle changes instead, don't hurt yourself or your body.

overweight mtf, i wanna start going back to gym (i was /fit/ pre transition) but what should i wear to not fucking humiliate myself? i’m at the point where im visibly mtf regardless of what i do, usually passing but with my hair tied back and no makeup i don’t think i stand a chance, im not retarded enough to use the changing rooms so ill turn up dressed, but what should i wear that isn’t delusional or manmoding?

I need to stop promising to post more and just post more.
I'm getting annoyed with myself.

>>42325623
I usually prefer stuff that covers me up a lot because I don't like feeling exposed, so take this with a grain of salt.

>isn’t delusional or manmoding?
I'd say a loose black/dark track suit with a gray tshirt.

So long as you can move without hurting yourself it should work fine.

5 years ago i was like, either i start hrt and transition or kms, so i started, some good things and some bad things, but overall 5 years later, im just back where i started, even older now. i feel ive made no progress in my life at all in any aspect. im so crushed. 5 years ago i promised id just try it then i can kill myself. but now ive had more than enough time and i havent gone anywhere. stuck.

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I have been manipulated by someone I was close to and considered a friend for 10 years, they owe me a large amount of money (close to £20000) and have no intention of paying it back.
I know it is my fault, I was emotionally vulnerable and I thought I would be helping a friend in need when they seemed to be struggling, they kept asking for more and more and I believed them, convincing me that it would be temporary and I would be repaid. It turns out they gambled most of my money.
How do I accept the loss and move on? I feel like this is going to permanently scar me and not in a good way, I already have a hard time talking to people and opening up to them. I wish I could disappear.

>>42327418
You don't accept that kind of loss. I think you need to discreetly contact a lawyer and follow their advice on how to recover some of your money.

Sorry your friend has let you down so badly

>>42327418
Seconding >>42328074, contact a lawyer and explain it to them. Worst case scenario is they tell you that there's nothing they can do and charge you for a consultation, best case scenario you get your money back.

>>42328074
>>42328101
It was in crypto so I honestly deserve it. A lawyer won't help me.

>>42328196
Did a lawyer confirm to you that it's hopeless?

>>42328252
There's no way to prove any of it even happened.

>>42328196
>>42328374
You might as well pop another hundred of bucks for a quick consultation with a lawyer then. Don't be an idiot

>>42328706
>hundred of bucks
hundred bucks

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Coming to the painful conclusion that my BF will never be as authentic to me as I wish he were. I know I don't have the right to know everything. I am speaking up about being curious about his person in an entirety, anything and everything, and am never judgemental. He is what I consider the best partner I could possibly imagine. And I am radically communicative about my activities and thoughts with him myself, which he does appreciate a lot. Catching him doing things as small as they may be and him never mentioning it, even upon inquiry? Makes me feel like he is hiding more than I will ever know. I assume I need to let it go and accept the sadness this arises and concentrate on something more worthwhile than what might just be romantic fantasies.

>>42329624
It does sound like you’re looking for a level of reassurance from your boyfriend that isn’t realistic. You should not rely on a partner to regulate your emotions. A lot of interpersonal advice will have you thinking that you can control other people’s behavior by acting right, but that can give you unrealistic expectations about what you can control and make you feel responsible for other people’s behavior.

Maybe your boyfriend can’t reassure you as you want because no other person could, but maybe he’s making you worry for a reason. Either he’s just more emotionally distant than you want (very common in men) or he’s keeping something from you that he doesn’t feel like telling you because he knows it will upset you.

Experience has taught me that it’s easy to expect too much from a partner, and that can cause problems, but also the people we date can have trouble communicating in a way that can make little problems way bigger and uglier than they need to be.

I'd like to troon out but given my faceshape i'll always be pretty ugly.
I know its silly but i dont want to do it unless i have somewhat of a gurantee that i'll turn cute afterwards.

>>42329918
>You should not rely on a partner to regulate your emotions.
Is that what it is, though? Him and I are just so very close and have such a healthy relationship that this wouldn't have crossed my mind. :(

>control other people’s behavior by acting right
Is this meant to describe subconscious behaviour? Consciously I am eager to to know the love of my life in full so he can be or do whatever he pleases to be with my full support. Partners in crime and time I guess. :D

>more emotionally distant than you want
Doesn't sound like him at all, to be honest ..

>because he knows it will upset you
Maybe I wasn't clear enough about the specific things I like to know. I'm not trying to extract information out of him that he doesn't want to tell me ..
I'm not trying to dismantle his need for privacy.

>it’s easy to expect too much from a partner
Yes I came to the conclusion to concentrate on something more worthwhile instead of making a problem out of it with him.

We have been together for 6 years and it has been a journey. I never felt like we disrespect each other. Yet I'm disappointed to find him still, not sure, shameful (?) about disclosing a habit of his, when I listen more than I react without certainty.

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>>42162119
quitting nicotine and weed (yay) went to a lgbt social event for the first time yesterday (yay) took a day off work because i started day drinking in the morning and didn't wanna drunk drive (nay) haha yeah i think im gonna make it yeah im a crashout bifecta (bipolar, bisex) yeah.... haha..... yeahhhhhhh.... im thinking we're all gonna make it!!!!!!!!

>>42318223
this lol im currently effectively not living
although i am aging

>>42320715
you're a good soul nona, the teachers saw that
once others get close to you, they'll see that too

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long time no see! new captcha broke the app, finally got around at the computer to write something up.
i went to the psychiatrist after spiraling out last time to the point of another self-harm episode using a massage gun, got mild antipsychotics. they work quite well because they seem to prevent me from spiraling because of minor things but i was not sure if it was because there wasn't stress at work during holidays. turns out it was, the work is as stressful as ever and i have a lot of other arrangements - my GP, my other appointments, my friends, my games, my reading, i wanna start going to the gym, and that's all on top of stupid email replying, school journal keeping and trying to teach on the top of my awfully dysphoria-inducing voice. tried to have an introductory call with a therapist today - technical issues ensued. awful day today - i was feeling really anxious about lack of time and then i also had to look at myself in the camera and started hating how i look. and i still want to do so many things, like study french or draw or go to gym or have sex, fuck me...
picked up some good habits. for voice training and for better immersion, i started reading out loud and recording it. currently reading kafka's trial. started cooking at home more, which is cheaper and healthier. exchanged names with a neighbour. getting on better terms with my coworker, which helps me focus on the job. got paid, paid my bills. will go to the gym soon and will try to bash out the winter depression with some exercise - i'll be focusing on legs and cycling trainers to prepare for the next cycling season.

>>42324072
I will like you if you get to a healthy BMI using a health weight adjustment rate, healthy food, enough sleep and enough exercise to stay healthy during and after

bump

>>42324072
wait that's kinda crazy tho. Is liking heavy guys seriously that rare of a trait? am I weird for that?

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>>42307165
>The .org domain is at least kill, yeah. With libgen gone, AA shrinking..
Yeah, I noticed that the other domains still work – I'm building a small personal library right now, in case the shadowlibs disappear for good.
>I found it's beginning chapters a little obtuse, I would recommend to compare and contrast with Taylor's book
Alright, I will! Thanks for the recommendation. I actually found out about Taylor's book from Claude too, but it seems loooong, meaning that I likely wouldn't finish it. But I stole a copy on the internet, so into the collection it goes.
>Knowing Oberstufenphysik, I can attest you missed absolutely nothing.
Okay, good to know.
>A lovely choice, depending on your particular degree you might be able to add a theoretical physics course as Individuelle Ergänzung
Hmm, my school doesn't offer physics, sadly... There's a Proseminar on /mathematical/ physics I could take next semester or the semester after that, but I think that course would be way too advanced for me :[
>a common approach is Newton-Lagrange-Hamilton-Relativity, with wave and continuum mech sprinkled in between
That's useful, thank you! I am pretty much a blank slate, so I'll definitely look into it.
>I liked Lagrange/Hamilton a lot more than Newton.
How so?
>working and dealing with French administrative processes has been a major headache, the stubborn centralism gets in the way of everything
Hmm, I see. That does sound annoying. I've heard that the French education system is a mess.
>I am starting to get the feeling I'd much rather live than work here.
That's fair! France really is a severely underrated country imo... And it has come to my attention that the French have finally learned English, broadly speaking. About time!

my life is a mess

>>42333039
I don’t think it’s that rare to be attracted to bigger guys. It’s just that there’s a lot of fat shaming banter among gay men and jerks who make being picky out to be a badge of honor. It can be hard to recognize that plus sized guys have their niche over the gossip about weight. I also think it’s fairly common for people who aren’t het to avoid dating for fear of rejection, self-isolate, neglect themselves, put on weight, and associate their weight gain with self-neglect. They feel unlovable because they haven’t been loving themselves.

Or if they have this idea of MLM community being this glamorous, exotic world, and they’d be the only chubby nerd in the scene.

I hope that makes sense.

>>42334543
> I also think it’s fairly common for people who aren’t het to avoid dating for fear of rejection

me.

but honestly I get it. you can be left confused whether you're ugly or abrasive or something after so many years of not dating, even if it's just down to bad luck. or maybe you ARE actually chopped, though you still wouldn't have a way to tell.

I increasingly associate jacked dudes, both het and gay, with steroids. Gyms feel less about health, more about obsession with vanity. A dude with a gut, or some heft? comes out miles ahead imo, much more attractive.

>>42334543
>I also think it’s fairly common for people who aren’t het to avoid dating for fear of rejection
A things about dating in general scare me off, its seems like too big of a social risk for someone like me.