this is not the place to ask such a question, but i feel like stopping hrt because of my brother's suicide and because i'm not really happy with how things are going. my brother was just a freshman kid in uni when he killed himself with a shotgun. he was both academically gifted and worked very hard (had a ridiculous amount of money which we found afterwards).i was sort of banking on him being the smart sibling in the family and then i could just sorta be a gay brother/sister/whatever and do whatever i wanted. but now, i feel compelled to take his "place" after what has happened and that taking estrogen isn't serious enough for that goal. i feel i should just stop because it's likely to interfere with what i'll be able to really accomplish later on in life.feels like taking e is a joke, basically.
You will not replace your brother. You cannot replace your brother. You are grieving and shouldn't make any decisions right now or at all for at least a few months.
>>42162396Jesus I'm real sorry about thatBut I feel that you can still take e and be yourself while still being successful
>>42162411This. Grief can make you do some really self destructive things, and especially so if there are others grieving alongside you. Give it time.
i'm just so angry. i blocked it out when it happened because i had university work, a job, rent, other responsibilities going on. i couldn't think about it until winter break. nobody in my family understands why he did it except me. i don't think transitioning will solve my problems. i tried dating and its just not going to work. most transgender people think too differently from me.sometimes necessity supersedes comfort >>42162414e seems to interfere with how much i care about status or winning (idk how true that is, but seems like it). e makes me slightly more complacent and i need that edge back.
>>42162396>no gf? become the gf>no brother? become the brotherdon't detroon unless you want to prpve blanchard right
>>42162628>i don't think transitioning will solve my problemsEven dysphoria?
i'll donate my vial, needles, and sani wipes anyhow
on the other hand now u can be as big of a faildaughter as u want and you'll still look good by comparison
>>42162396>the son who didn't troon out offed himselfwhat a twiste!
>>42162396There's a common throughline to many detransition(or repression) brainworms i notice and it's this:A link is created (asserted) between two completely unrelated concepts in an if A then B chain of reasoning. The "reasoning" used to support this is usually an unquestioned stereotype anti LGBT bias, most commonly the idea that people "choose" to be transgender arbitrarily.Example: "i don't have the same politics as other trans people, i just don't think like they do, therefore I can't be trans." (Assumes all trans people share political views)Another (more common) one: my interests/ sexuality are male, I have a male brain (or a fetish) therefore I can't be trans. (Assumes that interests have genders, that one cannot be a woman and also have a fetish, etc.)So, OP, I am sure others will point out the more obvious issues with the idea of detransitioning to replace your brother out of family loyalty, (it's not possible to do that) but what I want to point out is that your thinking itself reflects stereotypes and biases against women, trans women, homosexuals, and feminine individuals. (that they're not serious, competetive, etc.) Now, in fact, the idea that you will punish yourself due to your guilt over your brother's death is a fantasy (practically speaking you wouldn't last your entire lifetime in the mindset you're in right now), but the emotional trauma of your brothers death is forcing you to clearly see your own shortcomings, limitations, mortality. These are things we all have that can't be wished or "detransitioned" away. Men of course have emotional vulnerability and weakness too, much as they are pressured not to show it.Anyway, sorry for your loss OP. Focus on grieving for your brother in a way that isn't self destructive.
>>42162628>e seems to interfere with how much i care about status or winningthis is super stupid and a placebo, but you already have male brain architecture so if you really want to believe in this argument its still very weakmoreso you are likely just good at turning suffering into suicidal ambition and being dysphoric served as a fire under your ass and you consciously or subconsciously wanted to compensate. i assure you you will achieve much more if you let yourself be the workaholic estrogenated demon bitch you are meant to be instead of a repper who studies and works a lot. you can learn to use more positive emotions as fuel, you already are the kind of person who is hardworking, you're just fixated on very poor incentives. if you were a lazy bum cis girl shooting test would not make you an ambitious overachieveri hope you learn to view the death of others as a reminder that your time here is short and that you have to make the most of it. no, being happy and less dysphoric will not disrupt your perfect grindset life. nor will detransition lastingly give you a sense of control in the wake of an event like this. be reasonable
>>42162721>>42162809thank you for writing so much it's very, very helpful. thank you
>>42162396taking medicine isnt a joke. i dont think that sentiment really makes sense
>>42162396i don't have much to add; the other anons got it right. i just wanted to say i understand and relate to that impulse, the feeling that taking estrogen and transitioning is the indulgent, self-serving choice and that repping/detransing is responsible and mature. i understand feeling like e mellows you out and makes you less sharp, too. but i think, and pardon me if this is off the mark, based on the way you describe yourself that you wouldn't have transitioned if you really truly thought that taking estrogen would necessarily make you weak and unsuccessful--even if you didn't think of yourself as the smart sibling, you clearly have a strong sense of responsibility and loyalty to your family and your own success, and if you believed estrogen was going to make you incapable of fulfilling your responsibilities you would never have taken it in the first place. when you chose to transition, you made a logical decision; trust your past self's rationality. you've already worked out the answer to this question before. i'm really sorry for your loss. wishing you and your family peace
>>42162396> i was sort of banking on him being the smart sibling in the family and then i could just sorta be a gay brother/sister/whatever and do whatever i wanted. but now, i feel compelled to take his "place" after what has happened and that taking estrogen isn't serious enough for that goal. I totally get this line of reasoning and it makes sense but I don’t think stopping E is what he would have wanted. Also you’re not your brother, you should absolutely get your shit together if you feel compelled but your path to success is not through emulating him it’s on your own path. A key element to success for anyone is to self improve and to support their mental health. Detransing isn’t going to improve your mental health if anything it will lead you towards a mentally unhealthy state of mind and will become another millstone attached to your throat. Right now focus on honoring your brother’s legacy by being the best person YOU can be, not becoming the best person HE was. You will make it through this and I am sorry for your loss anon, life is a bitch any I can’t even say that I would not have the exact same feelings if my overachiever brother died. Give it time and in time you will endure and if you treat yourself right you’ll succeed in ways nobody could imagine right now. Do not hurt yourself when you’re already wounded Days like this happen to all of us, your brother probably misses you too. Stay strong and true to yourself and in time you’ll have no difficulty in making him proud
In all seriousness, dont, I have a sort of similar experience, havign repped my teen years after my dad died because I felt i had to become like him. This was when i was 13 years old, many years passed since. And no, Im not like him at all, he was succesful, stable abd had a good career. I became a substance addict before turning 18, have no career prospects and have developed mental issues from spending years with burnout, self hatred and no sense of self. Point is, you wont become your brother, you dont have to. Its ok to grieve, but trying to become someone else, especially with dysphoria as a factor, will only work against you nona
