I think I've developed BPD somehow at the age of 32 and I need tips on how to cope and how to get myself diagnosed without it shooting me in the fucking kneecaps, especially seeing how I'm a trans woman and I'm afraid it'll fucking decimate my chances on the dating marketFor years I've had:>feelings of emptiness>anger outbursts over menial shit>impulsive behavior, like buying shit, binge eating and even nearly engaging in unprotected sex once>a rapidly changing and distorted self-image>dissociation episodes>moods which switch between days>self-harmful and suicidal tendencies>hallucinations, delusions and paranoia, especially under stressAnd suddenly since end of this year I have:>intense fear of abandonment that drives me up the fucking wall>mood swings, sometimes rapid, sometimes between daysHow? How??? Why??? How cooked am I? How the fuck do I ever have a healthy relationship from here on? I used to look at BPD sufferers and think "I'm glad that ain't me". This is a nightmare. This is hell. It's so deeply fucking exhausting and I don't wanna do it anymore. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.
>>42170177>hallucinations, delusions and paranoia, especially under stressare you sure that's bpd nona?
>>42170223I had myself tested for schizophrenia and schizotypal personality disorder, all the psychologists basically went that's because of your autism or your brain is just overly active because shit's not consistent but I do have periods where they get worse, like looking at an LED light in the dark and it becoming full on fucking mosaic-like, or full-on paranoia and trying to disable all the microphones in my house, but it really only happens when stress gets bad or my depression hits too deep
>>42170268psychologists don't know shit. have a read of this bad boyhttps://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-disorder>The presence or absence of self-disorders has been used to distinguish schizophrenia spectrum disorders from other psychotic disorders, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder,[2] and autism spectrum disorder.[3]
Well, professional help, but if it's not possible right now then meditating helps, I am still a piece of shit when I get mad, I am violent and cruel when someone enrages me but my anger threshold increased greatly after months of isolation and meditation.I used to lash out at anyone and anything, anywhere without a care for consequences, I'd constantly put my life in danger for no reason at all, I would mistreat my friends and family over petty shit, I was jealous of everyone and everything, I still do stupid stuff out of anger but now I am conscious of how wrong I am I think that's what helped me the most, realizing I wasn't and still aren't a good person is what keeps me somewhat sane, it's a long and slow process so I think getting professional help would be better.
>>42170309Well, I want to get professional help. But truthfully, I'm afraid. I've seen what happens when BPD sufferers seek help. They get extremely strictly monitored, marked as dangerous, prescribed many drugs, and have to go through hellish years-long treatment. I want to get better, but I don't want any of these things. I'm just scared.
>>42170177>unprotected sex is personality disorder behaviorMy bodycount unprotected is like 45 as a transbian and no stds so far
>>42170177>even nearly engaging in unprotected sex oncedamn that's crazy
I think you should have the unprotected sex
