>>42263783
Your own brain is rejecting your repping holy shit

File: 1744061864507517.jpg (184 KB, 1981x1125)

184 KB JPG

>>42263783
>How do I stop my internal monologue from incessantly implying that I should've been a woman?
Not sure. I'm 40 and I can't stop my internal monologue from screaming like it's being murdered. And I'm not even trans.

Definitely a possession. You might be tempted to think of a succubus if you're a sex pest but it could be any kind of feminine demon or spirit. I recommend fighting against it since it's the spirit trying to overwrite your consciousness with theirs which obviously kills you technically

>>42263788
I'm not repping cause I don't want to be a woman, and am certain I'm not dysphoric. I just need to find a way to get rid of the voice which is implying that's not actually the case

>>42263812
Have sex and see if that helps

>>42263802
ik theres a meme that trannies have demons of lust inside them but honestly i sometimes think i have a demon of envy in me.

>>42263783
yeah so your internal monologue is actually supposed to be your own voice inside your head not something 'other' that you hear talking *to* you. i'm guessing sometimes it refers to you in the third or second person? this sort of alienation from subjective phenomena normally experienced as part of the self is characteristic of schizophrenia spectrum disorders and this particular thing you're talking about is what people mean when they talk about 'hearing voices'. it's actually pretty rare for it to be experienced in the same way as the voice of a person speaking in the real world would be. if this sounds like bad news to you i've got even worse news: it doesn't mean you're not trans either. have fun with this information nona <3

>>42263827
I'm too disgusted by myself to do that. I really wouldn't want to expose anybody else to myself

>>42263854
What are you fat cause when i was fat i didn’t like being seen either

>>42263857
No, I'm quite buff and lean. I just deeply hate myself regardless of my body, and have no sexual desires cause I feel too fundamentally rotten, both internally and externally

>>42263882
That’s fucked up anon you’re probably developing schizophrenia like >>42263840
said so it’s fine probably

>>42263792
I'm sorry nona. Does it really feel like you're being murdered, or rather that you've never actually lived in the first place

>>42263840
>>42263895
I'm quite certain that it's not schizophrenia, as there would've been other signs other than my internal monologue implying that I'm a woman. It also definitely doesn't feel like it's an actual voice inside my own head talking to me, but rather that my own internal monologue is partially out of my control.
At least I hope it's not schizophrenia

>>42263919
Damn anon i guess it’s hopeless

>>42263919
your internal monologue is supposed to be literally yours. if you don't feel like you're controlling what it says then it's exactly what i was talking about. anti psychotics will make it shut up and then you can see whether or not you still have these gender related feelings. google self disorder and see if that shit creeps you out

>>42263783
>It genuinely feels like I'm being forcefemmed against my will by my own subconscious
>or at this point even like I'm being possessed
i remember that feeling during the waning years of my repression
it's just your brain finding ways to help you be more honest with yourself while putting the blame on some other force or entity to help alleviate the sense of shame. a lot of people do this sort of thing. it's deep repression
as time goes on you get used to understanding it's just you and you learn to be ok with yourself

>>42263783
I'm in a similar situation. I'm scared this stuff is just a fetish instead of something real. Although I have had these thoughts since before I started watching porn, the porn has only made it worse. My plan for now is to stop watching any porn for at least a month, I hope that makes these thoughts go away. Honestly, living life as a tranny seems very difficult, and I don't think I could do it. I want to have a family of my own, I don't want to be an outcast, I don't want my parents and friends thinking there is something wrong with me, and I know I look so much better as a guy than I will ever look as a woman. It feels so stupid to do it, I'm basically ruining my life if I do it, but still there are these thoughts I have how I would rather be a women.

>>42263969
My internal monologue is definitely mine, I don't doubt that at all, but what looking up self disorder is definitely creeping me out a ton. It definitely feels like I don't even really have a self at all, and I'm living with myself as if I'm a stranger to myself. I feel like I've been carrying a corpse around my whole life

>>42263971
>it's just your brain finding ways to help you be more honest with yourself
How can I tell whether that's really the case, and not that I'm just lying to myself for whatever reason?
>it's deep repression
I can't believe this actually being the case, cause I have no actual female sense of self at all. I really feel like I could just be a normal man if I'd just find a way to stop thinking that being a man is the death of me

>>42263783
tell your internal monologue to shut the fuck up, he's a gay retard who doesnt know anything

>>42263783
Maybe it's OCD.

File: c7148d20-5609-44de-afde-c(...).jpg (68 KB, 769x519)

68 KB JPG

>>42263783
HOLY SHIT TAKE ESTROGEN RETARD

>>42264153
I am. Fourth time already, and I feel like it's giving me dysphoria. I really want to stop before I start to regret it even more. I am not a woman, I can't be a woman, I don't want to be a woman. All I need to do is stop perceiving being a man like it's a death sentence

>>42264022
would you be okay with being john 50 tho

>>42264169
I'm thinking about trying estrogen, I'm honestly so scared to end up like you, going on it and off it again

>>42264180
Yeah maybe, I'm not too sure really. I think it is possible for me to live a happy life as a man. It's only recently I started seriously considering trooning out, before that I had thought about it a little, but nothing too serious. And I was honestly living quite happily as a guy. If it goes back to that I could see myself living the rest of my life as a man. Even with how much I'm considering transition right now, I am more scared that i would make the wrong choice by transitioning, than aging as a man.

>>42264132
I'm pretty sure it's not OCD because it's not ego dystonic, and I also would've show other signs of OCD if it were

>>42264181
Is there any other reason you're scared of trying hrt, cause if not, then there's no reason to not give it a try

>>42264347
>there's no reason to not give it a try
Different nona here. Ig why some are scared. Even this board isn't particularly encouraging.
I started to try to hrtfemboy/enbycope. I liked how things were progressing and ended up a tranny but I can see how this exact progression would've scared someone else shitless.

We went from "you'll get turbocancer if you try" to not enough serious consideration. Sure, it's better now (I would've never trooned out in the old system), but the transition(kek, no pun intended) happened too fast and created more confusion.

File: G9krwMsWAAAwNqa.jpg (161 KB, 2048x1359)

161 KB JPG

>>42263919
I have borderline personality disorder. My internal monologue can get MEAN. It sometimes gets so bad, it turns to me screaming at myself to "shut the fuck up". In public. Sometimes it's me mocking myself and I can't stop. Other times it's people I know.
>>42264053
"I don't feel real."
Let me guess, it sometimes you feel as if you are an observer watching a movie or video game? Ever have an out of body experience?

Here, have fun:
https://psytests.org/diag/bpien.html

>>42264347
>Is there any other reason you're scared of trying hrt.
Ironically enough I think I'm scared of seeing my body change. I'm not absolutely sure if that is what I want, and I think if I start seeing serious changes I get dysphoric the other way around. I feel like I might be happier as a normal guy, than a non passing girl.

File: 1758222496886873.jpg (129 KB, 736x827)

129 KB JPG

>>42264181
Anon, you won't truly know until you try, and if you don't like it you can just stop. The physical changes weren't immediate, but I do remember after a week feeling calmer and like my brain was running smoother.

File: 1000091991.png (98 KB, 1080x1273)

98 KB PNG

>>42264406
>My internal monologue can get MEAN
My internal monologue is almost always hostile in some form, even of I'm consciously aware that I'm not deserving of such hate. I just can't really bear to be myself.
>Let me guess, it sometimes you feel as if you are an observer watching a movie or video game? Ever have an out of body experience?
I've always felt like an observer, minus the movie or video game part. Also never really had any literal out of body experiences, so I just assume that all my experiences are "in-body".
I've often described myself feeling like both a puppet and puppeteer, and also not being able to distinguish who controls whom.

File: Screenshot_20251230-130915.png (138 KB, 1007x1331)

138 KB PNG

>>42264483
You're right on the cusp. If it makes you feel any better, this disorder is obscenely foid brained. It's almost exclusively women. Don't let anyone know, they used to deny transition over it, and claim that you don't know yourself well enough to transition.

This is bullshit. Sincerely, older post op.

>>42264503
I've both been suspected to have BPD by both my cousin who's diagnosed with it, and a therapist after only one appointment, even though I lack most overt signs of BPD. It's mostly just a chronic sense of emptiness with a very hostile sense of self and quite unstable emotions, even if it's easy for me to remain composed

>>42264419
You're right. But how do I know if I like it or not, idk if thats a stupid question.

>>42264600
>But how do I know if I like it or not
I'm op and even after having been on hrt multiple times, I'm still clueless whether I've liked it or not. I for sure didn't hondose myself, and have had visible changes, but no mental effects whatsoever

>>42264886
Fuckkkkkk I think I will be the same way. How long were you on hrt, and why did you decide to go off of it again. The advice on here is usually to be on it for at least like 1-3 years right? I don't think I could stick with it for that long before getting scared. I literally don't know what to do.

>>42265217
In total I've been on hrt for a bit over 7 months, with my longest consecutive time taking it being exactly 3 months. Overall not much time, but I've had substantial breast growth already, which doesn't make this any easier.
I've stopped each time, cause the reality of what I was doing started to hit me, and it all started feeling deeply wrong in a very vague and amorphous way. Part of it was definitely just me getting scared, as this is definitely the most frightening thing I've ever done, but I also couldn't help but feel like I wasn't even supposed, nor wanted to do any this in the first place

>>42264562
The moment someone seems unsure with who they are and have wild emotional swings, with dissociative or memory issues, it's a huge red flag. They aren't supposed to diagnose you with it until after you get a CT or MRI, though, to rule out physiological nonsense. But the moment you started talking, it was like a, "hello, fellow crazy."

I don't think treatment works, avoid it on your record if you can. Just read up about it. Knowledge of it helps a little.

File: 1755121035898667.jpg (123 KB, 1200x1180)

123 KB JPG

>>42265329
I'm definitely unsure of my own identity, mostly because I feel like I completely lack one. I feel like a product of circumstance with no actual inner core most of the time despite knowing that I actually have a solid identity in some abstract sense. Said identity is just extremely detached.
My mood swings are really weird, since most of the time I either just feel nothing, or utter misery, with spontaneous and fleeting moment of happiness. I'm rarely overtly angry, sad or happy, mostly just numb and quite bad at expressing my emotions in any way that doesn't feel stilted or acted. Most of the time I feel like I have to impose emotions onto myself, like I'm just rationally/pragmatically choosing them, rather than actually feeling anything.
Also, I'm not even really sure whether I ever really dissociate in the traditional sense. I'm just always detached and distanced, but still definitely present and aware.
When it comes to my memory, it's kinda all over the place, since I actually have a very good memory, and the things I do remember, I remember extremely well, but there's also a split between memories that feel like they're mine, and memories which just happen to belong to me. There's also the fact that I just can't remember puberty at all. I have memories from that time of my life, but I remember nothing at all about how I felt about puberty itself.

>>42265325
Yeah for the last month or so I've been thinking it through in my head. And this is exactly how I imagine it going for me as well. It really sucks. I don't even care what I am, I just want to be sure, I hate that I am so confused about everything.

File: bp.png (31 KB, 1297x568)

31 KB PNG

>>42264406
Did the borderline personality test for fun. Not borderline at all, but still a bit of identity diffusion, I'm kinds curious where that could come from.

There niggas really be out here havin voices screaming in their heads and people still be saying it aint a mental illness

>>42263783
this is what has been happening to me but im a femrepper

>>42265707
I could very well be misremembering or even confabulating this, but I remember seeing you in a thread once saying something along the lines that you wish for a trans woman to be able to be the woman you can't be yourself

>>42263840
love u nona

>>42265576
>I don't even care what I am, I just want to be sure, I hate that I am so confused about everything.
Same, but the worst part is definitely the realization that even having clarity whether transitioning is the right path or not, one will still be the same person deep down, and that transitioning fixes basically nothing.
Like, sure, being a man feels like a sinking ship and makes to want to off myself, but I can't tell how much of that actually comes from being a man, and whether being a woman is a viable alternative

i get deja vu every time i read this thread
it's like it repeats several times a week for months now
the same conversations and the same replies just slightly different
i have escaped completely

>>42266998
>i have escaped completely
I'm really happy for you, but please tell me how you managed to escape this hell, I'm really really desperate

>>42263783
you need to troon out reptard

imagine your own brain literally screaming at you to troon and you just ignoring it

you're going to john50 so hard if you don't troon right now

My internal dialog doesn't sound like me but e-celbs I've been listening to.

>>42267036
I'm on hrt already, but I don't want to be. I really don't want to troon out. I really feel like my brain screaming at me that I'm actually somehow not a man is a maladaptive coping mechanism for my own self loathing and lack of drive in my life

>>42267006
completely isolate yourself so that you can heal from the poison of external influences and begin to listen to yourself
then you can escape completely

>>42263783
You are getting in a fight with yourself here. It's not that you are the real you and the other voices or impulses aren't you, you're both you.

And you're arguing past each other. Not listening to each other. Listen to yourself. You will stop arguing with yourself when you feel heard and listened to.

>>42267145
don't stop doing hrt because of brainworms. what you have is a common type of dysphoria where you don't feel like you're "trans enough" to transition. if you stop hrt you'll regret it. you'll only feel worse.

>>42267192
>Listen to yourself
Do you have any advice how to do so? I'm barely able to trust myself, and if both parts are me, which I'm certain they are, how do I figure out which one to give more credence?

>>42267215
>what you have is a common type of dysphoria where you don't feel like you're "trans enough" to transition.
Maybe I don't feel "trans enough" because I'm just not actually dysphoric. At least that sounds more plausible to me.
Also, what brainworms are you referring to specifically?

>>42263783
I verbally say outloud "Nigger" every time I have those thoughts.

>>42267464
does this work?
is this why we have more trannies in 2026?
it's no longer socially acceptable to say this out loud?

>>42267580
The self embarassment/realization or public shaming and disgust of saying nigger outloud at every transitional thought, creates a sometimes instant feedback loop of bad/shame/disgust to transitioning/dysphoria

>>42267580
No, it doesn't work

>>42267846
Its a timeless technique used by /pol/chuds to repress.

>>42267861
Do we really need any more of those type of reppers?

>>42267440
the brainworms that tell you you aren't really trans. it happens to loads of trannies. if you weren't really trans you wouldn't have an internal monologue constantly trying to forcefem you.

>>42267923
No. Was just giving alternative solutions to OPs problem. They can accept and lean into who they are, or shout/type nigger in public and/or online. Its their decision.

>>42267861
yeah and look at how well that's worked out for them

>>42268033
It does explain the psychology of a /pol/ user very well though.

>>42264406
why the fuck are thought broadcasting and thought insertion on the bpd test lmao this stuff is very specific to schizophrenia and not in anything i've ever read about bpd

>>42267979
I definitely don't feel trans, but rather like I've lost my mind, especially because I had no signs growing up at all

>>42263783
take your HRT, retard

>>42268223
I am. I just feel like I shouldn't, nor do I want to

they're gonna crack eventually

>>42263812
>>42263854
Your literally so far in the rep you dont realize your repping

Do you see feminity as lesser in general or just lesser for you?

>>42268387
>Do you see feminity as lesser in general or just lesser for you?
No, quite the opposite. I have a dignified view of both feminity and masculinity, but not only feel unworthy of feminity, I feel like it's both an affront to feminity and womanhood for me to claim I possess any of it, and it also just feels like it's not who I am

>>42268420
So you feel unworthy of being what you know deep down you want so you convince yourself you dont want it

>>42268473
I do feel unworthy of it, but I also feel like I will come to hate it if I were to have it. I can't help but viscerally feel like I shouldn't be doing this, shouldn't be thinking this, and that I'm only harming myself. I feel doomed to develop reverse dysphoria and to have to admit to myself that I really am just a cis man

>>42267440
>uselessly opaque lists of symptoms like “discomfort” and “unhappiness”. Words like “anhedonia” and “malaise” don’t capture the detailed, visceral, day-to-day reality of this indirect dysphoria. [...]

>the effort to do even the smallest everyday things. Going to the store, cleaning up the house, getting in the shower, any little thing people asked of me… it all just felt like too much.. It was more than a mere habit of laziness – it was like I was so mentally fatigued that everything was a constant burden and a struggle.[...]

>A feeling of just going through the motions in everyday life, as if you’re always reading from a script. Everything always seemed like it was somehow less real than it ought to be. I didn’t feel like I was my own person – I had no sense of myself as someone who could make my own choices and decisions as I wished. I didn’t even think of that kind of wanting as a feeling I was capable of – there was just no drive for it.[...]

>no sense of any real meaning or ultimate purpose. Even when I did find things to do that I vaguely enjoyed, it still felt like I was just killing time. When I worked on things, there wasn’t any higher sense of eventually working toward anything[...]

> wishing you could be normal like them. I often wondered how other kids could just go about their lives, talking and laughing and being so calm and happy, like nothing was wrong. I don’t know what I really expected of them – I didn’t have the vaguest idea of what was “wrong”, either. I didn’t know why I felt so anxious all the time, I just did. I had no idea why the rest of the world didn’t feel the same way, and I wanted to know what that was like.

https://genderanalysis.net/articles/that-was-dysphoria-8-signs-and-symptoms-of-indirect-gender-dysphoria/

first time i read this i thought "yeah thats bs thats not me and this person is just retroactively making things fit" guess what happened years later

>>42268680
>first time i read this i thought "yeah thats bs thats not me and this person is just retroactively making things fit"
I've read the article over a year ago and thought the same. Everything just fit perfectly in a genuinely uncanny way, but I immediately thought that there was no actual proof that any of the symptoms were necessarily due to dysphoria. Most descriptions are vague enough to also fit depression or cptsd for example

>>42268319
I really do feel like I should've known sooner if I were trans. I never consciously wished to be a girl growing up

>>42268680
Reading this is foreboding ngl

>>42265667
Just because some are mentally ill doesn't mean everybody is as well

>>42268196
What? It's very well documented. You are aware it's you. There is a reason it's called BORDERLINE.

>>42270256
documented where?
>You are aware it's you
what?

File: PXL_20260108_014341640.jpg (2.65 MB, 3072x4080)

2.65 MB JPG

>>42270332
Picture related.

There is a reason it's in that test, that's actually one of the tests psychiatrists use. They're called pseudohallucinations as you are often *aware* that others can't hear them. You don't hear them externally, but you hear them *inside* your head. It's a very well documented phenomenon.

I also get visual components, like being shown doing suicidal actions, and the act will get more intense in the sensorial department until I break down and flee the situation. I can see it, feel it, taste the pills or the gun, feel it in my mouth, in my hands. It will play on repeat, louder and louder, and louder. I sometimes hallucinate people mocking me under their breath, and/or become convinced they are doing so.

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9154289/
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC5654997/

It's OBSCENELY well documented. The term BORDERLINE personality disorder is because it was thought as being on the borderline of being psychotic/schizophrenic. Hell, it was considered a subtype of schizophrenia up until the 1970s~1980s, and they didn't know what to do with us as antipsychotics and basically all other treatment did not work. We usually died before 40, usually suicide.

I am aware the thoughts and experience are me. They're just unwanted intrusive, and I cannot control them. But they are me. Schizophrenics experience these things as separate entities and often cannot differentiate inner monologue and thoughts as separate from actual sensorial experiences. We maintain the ability to tell them apart.

>>42270560
that's interesting, i didn't know this. thank you for the links anon
>Schizophrenics experience these things as separate entities and often cannot differentiate inner monologue and thoughts as separate from actual sensorial experiences
i think this is a bit of a misconception and not a great way to distinguish the two. there's a phenomenon in schizophrenia called double bookkeeping where they describe being able to tell very easily what experiences are part of shared reality and which are psychotic, they just occasionally find the psychotic more real or meaningful than shared reality
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11362502/
sorry for text dump, a lot of the article is not explicitly relevant so i'll paste the relevant parts
Case 8: “I’ve always lived in two parallel worlds.. Meaning that I live in the world everybody else does, where we know that the table is a table, and then in my own world, where I have visions and hear voices. But my sense of reality is intact. I know that you can’t see and hear what I can see. I can easily keep them apart.”
>Case 25: The patient reported a hallucinatory experience of seeing a woman. “It wasn’t like I physically saw something change, but it was more like a mixture, dream-like, but more visual somehow. I looked up and saw a woman figure standing at the top of a staircase (…) If I close my eyes and move my arm, I can sense how my arm is moving without seeing it. It feels like that.. It felt like it exceeded consciousness (…) It is like seeing without really seeing (…) It is there, but in the back of my head, inside the mind, not in my [physical] eyes.”
i think your point about voices being separate entities for schizophrenics is accurate though. it's very strange how similar the two can be

BPD isn’t real, it’s a mysoginistic scam, read Girl, Interrupted.

>>42270560
What is the book in picrel called?

File: 6448f2ca99c930e843b468823(...).png (1.1 MB, 782x935)

1.1 MB PNG

>>42263802
What are your thoughts on this
>>x/41768523
I'm pretty sure something is forcing me to transition because long story short I prayed to a god I worshipped growing up for help transitioning and passing in exchange for being his lover in the afterlife and i havent been able to remember my dreams since then and have had other bad experiences related to him like >>x/41760221
When I decided i dont wanna transition and wanna keep my freedom everything got worse until i was genuinely gonna attempt suicide and got psych warded. Then today someone told me the needle size for the hrt i got was wrong and i got super upset and decided to give up transitioning and immediately some really bad shit happened. I have prayed to other gods and they have helped me but I am really struggling dealing with such bizzarre and difficult circumstances especially with basically no spiritual support
I am really struggling

>>42273193
The idea it's a female spirit trying to make me turn into a girl is so hot to me but I also am not feeling well because I'm in a really bad place in my life rn and have been since the situation in the second /x/ post i linked started (haha "link start" like in sword art online)
I don't like my life rn </3

>>42273193
>a god I worshipped growing up
99% chance of indian, 1% chance of neopagan hippie parents
the only reason that's not 100% chance of indian is because schizophrenia runs in families. Also learn to format cross board links properly

>>42273235
He is an Indian god. My parents were in a cult
To make it worse there are theories that I also believe that the version of that God the cult worships is not the real God they are referring to.
Also my dad admitted to hearing voices since he was a kid and was always and still is really paranoid. I've had a really messy life

>>42273235
U should read the second post i linked. it explains my situation from the beginning before the deal i tried to make and then back out of. I really have no idea whats happening to me.

>>42273235
>Also learn to format cross board links properly
Sorry
>>>/x/41768523
>>>/x/41760221

>>42263783
OCD

>>42273274
this might sound odd, but have you considered trying meds just for a bit? it will make all of that sort of stuff go away, and seeing what life is like without any spiritual experience does really help keep it in perspective and under control

>>42273405
anon, I've been on meds for months since i got out the psych ward, and this stuff is still happening
everyone assumes ur crazy because science and reductionism is the religion of the west in the 21st century but ive seen too many things that would be ridiculous to call a coincidence. theres an interview with a Korean shaman where she had spirit sickness and went to a shaman and the shaman told her too many gods were trying to enter her body. she couldnt sleep for days at a time or something for months and medical treatment didnt work. the shaman she visited told her she had to accept her calling as a shaman or she would die soon. when she accepted it the symptoms stopped. I'm not saying this is what's happening to me, I'm saying these kinds of things exist
https://youtu.be/YV_Uo4pmQ0c?si=fcfrwf3eMJPqa9xo

>>42273405
also i cant keep my life under control, its still under the control of my abuser and reality-altering mental illness ( ^▽^ )
and potentially a god, a malevolent spirit impersonating a god (according to a theory someone said), or a malevolent feminine spirit forcing me to transition (even though i do want to, but im scared because bad stuff happened when i decided not to, including earlier today)

this place sucks now, you won't miss me and i won't miss you

>>42273436
>>42273468
which meds? not all meds work for everyone, sometimes you've got to try a couple
>everyone assumes ur crazy
anon this is what crazy is. but it's not nothing and it's not meaningless. you just need to be able to put it in its place. it's not bigger than you it's a part of you
>when she accepted it the symptoms stopped
this is exactly what i'm talking about. you can't *accept* it when it controls you. you have to control it and that's exactly what the meds do. i don't even take them any more but i'm glad i did for a time because it's what helped me realize it's not an affliction but a need i wasn't fulfilling. i think you need to fully cut it out for a bit to learn how to let it into your life in a way that's healthy. you might still need to stay on the meds but you can drop the dose a bit after a while. just don't get lost in it is all. know thyself

File: Screenshot_20260108_04062(...).jpg (1001 KB, 1079x1712)

1001 KB JPG

>>42273581
i dont know what i can do. my life feels like the higurashi visual novels
pretty much everything is out of my control because me and my mothers lives have been controlled and decimated by my abusive father since literally before i was born. he lied about how much money he had and shit etc and tricked my mom to coming to the us. he didnt let her learn to drive for the first 6 years she was here or help her get back into college. i remember us not having furniture as a kid and i have some memories just sitting on the floor or a mattress on the floor in the living room of our apartment.
thats not even including all the shit that started that i mentioned in the second post. im too damaged from a life of trauma and then developing severity of a disabling mental illness (ocd) and too lazy because i was never disciplined properly as a child. i just cant function. im legit just a casualty of my lifelong bad environment and then insane bizarre supernatural experiences. picrel is from the manga "Out"
as for meds i wont say but its ssris and i was on them for a long time as a kid and it really made me dysfunctional in a passive way.

File: 1753438085555.jpg (249 KB, 1080x1271)

249 KB JPG

>>42264406
> My internal monologue can get MEAN. It sometimes gets so bad, it turns to me screaming at myself to "shut the fuck up". In public.
same :p
> bpd quiz
that quiz is fun, im probably not bpd (it's likely just symptoms from my depression & anxiety showing w/ this) but interesting nonetheless

sorry if im invading a thread, just seemed fun to yap about

>>42273581
>>42273664
also when i tried to "take control" it got worse. i literally got driven to genuinely planning suicide (which led to me getting psych warded) when i decided not to transition. then today i decided not to transition cause i was upset about the needle size issue and something bad happened immediately.
i heard that umineko talks about how our level of reality is basically a "gameboard" controlled by higher beings.

>>42273664
i'm sorry to hear that all anon
>ssris
the meds i was talking about were antipsychotics. ssris never did anything good to me either

>>42273716
thanks

>>42268203
What do you think being trans feels like?

>>42273676
>invading a thread
Nona the threads on this board are so low quality you shouldnt worry about making them any worse. You're not even shitposting lol
You scored highly on the impaired reality testing part. If you dont mind me asking, which things do you think you answered that scored under this category?

>>42273855
Definitely not the way I feel like. I don't expect a distinct feeling of being trans, but I very much expected to actually feel more clearly dysphoric, both now and while growing up. Reading about how other trans people feel, I really thought that I had to have a much more clear-cut desire to be the opposite sex rather than just so mild wistfulness. There was also the expectation that relieving dysphoria and or starting hrt to feel more right in a way, but none of it does.
I basically feel stuck in gender purgatory, where being my birth sex is quite miserable despite the lack of severe dysphoria, and where trying out the alternative just erodes my hope that anything will ever feel right

File: PXL_20260108_103535737.jpg (1.2 MB, 3072x4080)

1.2 MB JPG

>>42270871
Ahh. I deal with a catatonic schizophrenic somewhat regularly. We have to reassure her the things she is seeing aren't real, and the police are not out to get her. She has PTSD from a nasty secret service incident where she accidentally threatened the VP as a teenager, and they jailed her until they figured out she was just schizophrenic. She can't tell PTSD flashbacks apart from reality, has some very interesting delusions, etc.

>>42270943
It's very real. There is a genetic flag for it, it shows up on MRIs and CTs (smaller frontal cortex and amygdala), we notice negative facial expressions significantly faster than controls and tend to see through attempts to conceal it, it does effect men but at a much lower rate.

Susanna might not have it, but Lisa is pretty relatable. And remember, we're pretty good at getting people to feel bad for us.

>>42272979
It's a good read.

>>42274034
That sounds pretty dysphoric to me though? Your brain is telling you to be a woman. Your dysphoria is strong enough that it won't just vanish on a bit of HRT. It takes time to treat.

The only reason you're feeling insecure about it is because your dysphoria is trying to find a new angle to say "you aren't a woman." It's latching on to calling your dysphoria fake because then you feel insecure about "not really being trans." Every trans woman feels like this.

>>42274076
There's also the fact that I have no guarantee that my desire to be a woman to be authentic. I have no guarantee at all that I will actually feel any better if I transition. For all I know it's actually possible just as bad if not worse, even if that's a pessimistic outlook. Every morning when I wake up, I feel completely cis for example, and that really freaks me out, especially since I'm currently on hrt. It makes me feel like it's actually very likely that I'll develop reverse dysphoria if I continue down this path, which is something I dread very much.
Being a man feels completely doable, and I constantly consider the possibility that all of this is just a maladaptive coping mechanism, and that I'll one day snap out of it and realize I actually want to be a man.

>>42274116
Do you want to be an old man, or an old woman? There are no real half measures. You must choose.

Do colors seem more vivid on HRT?

Do you enjoy the wider emotions? Both the good and the bad?

If you can't answer the first, if the latter two are yes, you are taking the right path.

>>42274135
>Do you want to be an old man, or an old woman?
By themselves, both are equally unappealing. I want to pick the option which will actually make me able to find a will to live and actually feel alive and not just like I'm existing, and that's something I'm currently unable to do as a guy.

>Do colors seem more vivid on HRT?
>Do you enjoy the wider emotions? Both the good and the bad?
Hrt has not had any mental effects on me at all, and I all color still look the same to me. Both are desired effects though.

>>42274156
You didn't answer the fucking question. Answer the fucking question.

Make sure you aren't being hondosed.

>>42274165
>Answer the fucking question.
I genuinely just don't know. How am I supposed to know what I would prefer in 50 years. I don't even know what I prefer right now. Like, this is a genuine question, how can I even tell what I want and if a desire is actually real?

>Make sure you aren't being hondosed
I do monotherapy with 6mg EEn per week. Afaik that shouldn't be a hondose. I still have to get my levels checked though

>>42274198
Add an antiandrogen. Stick with it for 6 months.

>>42274165
i think people like this need to be forced through hardship or trials or something or they'll never develop a sense of self or confidence in the self that's already there. this one has been injecting estrogen and still doubts themselves lol.
who knows

>>42274116
Okay well look at it this way. You feel bad as a man. Your brain says it wants to be a woman. There are two choices:
1) continue to be a man and continue to feel bad
2) become a woman and see if it makes your life better

It feels like a pretty reasonable choice, surely? Do you really want to gamble on the maybe chance that you could suddenly decide you like being a man? It might feel doable now, but will it feel doable for the many more decades you have to live?

What do you mean "you feel completely cis?"

>>42274213
>It feels like a pretty reasonable choice, surely?
It does, but the lack of certainty that it really is the right choice is a constant source of anxiety unfortunately. I have nothing to lose though, since I'm already barely functional and actively suicidal as a guy, and detransitioning realistically isn't too difficult.
>Do you really want to gamble on the maybe chance that you could suddenly decide you like being a man?
That's why I stopped in the past, but I felt like I was decaying the whole time, so I don't see any point in gambling on this chance.
>It might feel doable now, but will it feel doable for the many more decades you have to live?
Being a man technically feels doable, but it technically already isn't anymore considering my current mental state, but I simply can't tell whether being a man really is what's causing me to be so miserable, or whether I'm just a whiny bastard.

>What do you mean "you feel completely cis?"
I just feel completely normal, and like I don't resent being a man at all. It makes me feel like transitioning is completely insane for me to do, and like it would be a mistake. The feeling quickly fades throughout the day though

>>42274204
I will as soon as I can, and I don't plan to stop this time, except if I somehow start feeling horrible on hrt

>>42274207
What kind of trials and hardships are you referring to?
>this one has been injecting estrogen and still doubts themselves lol.
It's a scary thing to do ngl. Not injecting myself, but being trans. It not only makes my future feel even more opaque, but I'm also giving up cis privilege

>>42274278
If it makes you feel better, I've been doing this for 20 years, and in dark moments, those thoughts occasionally creep up. I do this for myself and no one else.

>>42274288
My biggest fear is actually that I'm currently doing something I will come to regret or that it all will be for naught

>>42274307
Damned if you do, damned if you don't. You will regret not trying just as much as giving it your all. Who fucking cares.

>>42274316
A pretty bleak position to be in. I'd obviously prefer to not regret my choice if possible, or at least regret it less than the alternative.

>>42274451
Then just end it all. Fuck off. I've watched hundreds of people like you end up in a ditch because of this shit. You can't know until you know. Give it time. You won't regret it to give it time.

>>42274473
Why the hostility? I get it that I'm annoying already by being this neurotic, and I'm sorry about that, but I really do think it's reasonable to be really anxious about it all. I want to and will give it time, and I rationally know that it's unlikely that I'll regret it, but that doesn't really make it any less scary

>>42274515
Because I'm fucking ssiicckk of babytrans being all neurotic as fuck about things not happening instantly. Nothing is immediate.

>>42274642
I'm neurotic about coming to regret transitioning and that I'm actually cis, not that I don't yet look like a woman. Just as annoying in the end though

>>42274705
Being afraid that you're actually cis is not how a cis person would feel. It's a very trans fear

>>42275160
I guess, but it still suck that I can't stop second guessing myself

>>42263802
There needs to be a tranny exorcist. I don't mean an exorcist who's a tranny, but an exorcist who specializes in exorcizing trannies