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i miss having sex it’s been a whole fucking month my chest feels so hollow i wish this guy i was seeing didn’t dump me i miss his warmth i dreamt that we fucked i could hook up with a stranger if i wanted but i can’t act casual like that he thinks i got too attached too fast and doesn’t feel the same about me i don’t know how to be friends or date like a normal person because i’m either a mega autist or my parents fucked me up really bad if i become close friends with someone i’ll unconsciously start thinking about fucking them as the next step in the relationship even though logically i know not every friendship leads to dating and that dating and having sex are not the same thing but to me they are i wish sex didn’t exist i wish sex actually worked i rarely orgasm anyway i tried weed once with an ex-girlfriend but it was so shitty that we didn’t even get high and we broke up because she was a schizo doomer bitterhon i was going to say something that began with “i wish i was…” but actually i wish i wasn’t i just wish i wasn’t real i don’t even want to die i just want to turn this fucking thing off i don’t feel anything i wish i could stop i wish everyone could stop i wish i had someone i wish i wasn’t so alone i wish i had someone to stick some needles in my skin burn me with cigarettes electrocute me anything i want to feel pain i want to feel alive i can’t take it anymore i can’t keep on not existing why do i feel like i only exist when others perceive me why do others perceive me so rarely it’s like even when they’re “perceiving” “me” they’re just looking at i don’t fucking know something else entirely like a ghost maybe or some bullshit like that like if a curtain was draped over me at all times and people could only make out the outline but they think that outline is the real me and i’m too scared to take that curtain off because i feel (no, i know) that it will make them hate me