>Be me 30M, decent looking, from Europe no HRT, AGP sexuality since I was 18yo. > Had depression and suicidal ideation from 14 to 24 yo because of some acne in my teens and body dysmorphia - not good looking enough, not manly looking enough, not enough friends, not cool enough, not successful enough etc..> first watched porn with like 14-15. got into hentai, gender bender and body swap stuff. > regularly watched porn and at one point started identifying with the woman during sex/porn.> started to regularly watch porn from fem pov. I probably just used porn to sedate myself.> in my early 20s I started to fall behind in law school/failing school. wanted to kms really badly. just being alive and breathing felt like an insult to my existence.
> I remember just lying on the ground staring on the wall fake-crazy laughing in hopes I would really go crazy, but I never die. And I just started crying while fake c razy-laughing.> Got really neurotic in general, but just on the inside, no meltdowns, now weird behavior. Just things like "oh if I fail this test I can just kill myself." And fantasizing about jumping off a bridge to soothe my anxiety when trying to fall asleep every night. > Fantasized about killing myself a lot. Probably daily in my early 20s. Thought about ways that did the least damage to my relatives, like leaving behind a letter about me emigrating when I just offed myself, or doing it in a beautiful way, wearing a suit, scattering some roses, putting in some classical music and just holding my hand in a laundry basket while bleeding from my arm, while sitting and leaning against the wall. And ofc leave behind an envelope with money and an explanation for bothering police and paramedics. > Recognized I actually got close to killing myself after I tried to see if a window in a skycraper was locked after a night out, when I was giga drunk, at age 22 I think.> Swore to myself that I am never allowed to take my life until I had proven that my life had any meaning and worth. Meaning building my own company, earning a million+ dollars or doing something else objectively meaningful. Otherwise I would never release myself from suffering, as I would not be able to accept dying a loser. I would only take my life when I had peaked and become successful and happy.> Got a Term Life Insurance so my relatives, which I love, would at least get some money in case I ever lost control and broke my oath. > Life goes on, father dies, can't keep studying law, which I had wasted time on anyways with little progress.
> Got into a respectable and stable job, that's paying decently. Have a car, some friends, though I feel no real connections. Good relations to my family. Studying IT next to work to fulfill my goal of proving my worth.> Never quit indulging my AGP over the years. Kissed some girls, had opportunities to have a few girlfriends and sex but never used opportunities/pursued it. So I am still a virgin.>Lessons learned: Never stop being kind to others. Kindness is the antidote to despair. As long as you can be kind to others, emphasize with them and don't belittle them you will never become helpless, bitter or hateful. > For some reason, I still deeply love life and people. I still think people are beautiful. Life is beautiful. Even if not my own. It's like watching the most beautiful thing through a window, inside a dark room.
>>42323374>30yo>still ruminating about stupid shit like having acne as a 14 year oldGet. Over. Your. Self. I swear to god all mental illness is just narcissism
> I do think that AGP and porn did help in surviving, but AGP is spilling over into emotions and identity, which is dangerous. so I want to stop the sexual porn fueled parasite.> I am not going to lie, indulging AGP does feel like bliss. But I simply need to walk out of heaven. I simply need to honestly face starvation and stop feeding it, forever. I am willing to accept that. I am willing to face that pain and discomfort forevermore. The only thing I want is a meaningful life, not a happy one, or an easy one. A life that uplifts others, that makes the world a better place for my surroundings. Towards that goal I am willing to bear anything and everything. :)So I will simply stop. I will stop watching porn and I will starve my sexuality. I got older, more mentally stable, more realistic. I don't need AGP and porn to sedate myself anymore, so I will exile myself from what feels like heaven and willingly tread the hard, real road.
>>42323385Oh the acne ways just hard on me as a teen. I don't worry about it now at all. I got over it long ago :)
Wjy haven't you trooned out yet? Have you considered it?
