This is mostly not about transitioning... I think. I'd be okay if I never transitioned. I'd be happier if I did but I don't suffer just because I haven't. I'm just kinda not usually in the mood to put up with the world. I'm not depressed I don't hate myself or anything. Actually long story short I like myself better than almost anyone else. But I don't like most people and most people don't like me. Their loss. So I generally stay alone in my room and I work on a few different kinds of art. Transitioning would take a ton of work even before I started to see results and even once I did manage to present exactly as I wanted I wouldn't feel any better about the primary cause of my listlessness... other people. I don't see any sense in trying to optimize my existence in such an environment. If I had easy access to a painless suicide I'd kill myself as soon as I got too bored. Or I'm totally wrong about all this and maybe transitioning will be the key to changing this entire outlook. So I thought I'd ask.
>>42348387do you think youd be cute as a girl
>>42348393Yeah
>>42348407ok??? fuckin fuckin do it?literally go wear cute clothes and kiss boys and girls and smell the flowers and love with the time that you have
>>42348461Interesting reply. I don't think I relate to this impulse... what you describe either doesn't feel achievable considering my extreme dysfunction or it doesn't feel worth it even if I could work for it. I do like flowers and such, I do enjoy things, that's why I spend my time making art. Unfortunately putting effort into a decent feminine appearance is usually too much work. I'm not in control of what I'm motivated to do and I'm rarely motivated to shave my face or wear cute clothes. I'd love to kiss people, I've kissed people passionately before but today hardly anyone meets my standards for goodness as human beings and of course I don't meet many people's standards for pleasantries or physical attraction. I'm bored with the time that I have. I'm happy for you that you don't seem to be bored, that you seem like you could be hopeful. Thanks for the message.
>>42348387so why u want to troon?
>>42348559I've never been entirely sure. I think it started out when I noticed how much I disliked being perceived as a boy, with all the assumptions that puts in people's minds. There's nothing I dislike more than being misunderstood. If I presented as a girl I would be less misunderstood. Of course I would still be misunderstood everywhere as a girl too - gender is stupid, really I'm nonbinary, etc - but that is one reason. Another reason I understand even less is that I would feel better about how I look. I enjoy looking feminine. I have no idea why. Before my egg cracked I cared hardly at all about my physical appearance or my choice of clothes. Perhaps that apathy could just be a reaction to "feeling like I'm in the wrong body", as many trans people describe it. And many people, cis and trans, report enjoying working on their appearance and feeling proud of how they have managed to look. I suppose I could that in common with them, but only as a girl. I don't think I know what that really means though. What is a girl?
>>42348621I see, im in a pretty similar situation to your op and this. but I believe to some significant extent the way u present urself socially will always be an act and u have to accept that so don't expect too much but u probably know this already. personally I just trooned cuz I couldn't take it anymore. it feels like its not really a problem cuz its in the background and you can detach from it but at the same time its killing everything on some level or sometimes. honestly just do a cost benefit analysis and do what u truly desire to do, there's not much else I can say. im too early in transition to be able to say if its really worth it in the end
>>42348670I hear a lot of trans people say that they know gender is a performance and they enjoy putting on the performance. But it's hard for me to imagine enjoying that or even doing it at all. When I'm relaxed, when I can fully enjoy myself, I never act. I am myself and I do not try to hide "myself" from others unless I need to for whatever reason. Usually that's because it's the path of least resistance socially. I'm more comfortable acting a little bit for smooth social interactions than being entirely myself and dealing with the fallout of inadvertently picking at one of their many emotional wounds. This happens with essentially everyone I meet and I'm out of patience for it. I'm also proud of what I've already accomplished artistically and I wouldn't mind stopping here. So I don't desire to die, it's just apparently the most attractive option available. Glad the same isn't true for you though. Good luck with your transition.
>>42348756tyhowever, being yourself is precisely an act. although being yourself as X or Y are different acts I suppose. the only path of least resistance phenomenon I can agree exists in the human psyche is just conditioned/impulsive behaviour which doesn't really reflect on the person underneath all of it. I think the only true self is the one that chooses which act to put on in order to suit its desires. its not that I enjoy putting on a performance, is that it can't be anything but a performance. I am always aware and deliberate and when I'm not it's just the animal aspect of my brain coming out.also whether u want to die or not you will find out easily if u end up in a situation where u might die. not really saying you should seek it out but there's no such thing as being on the fence with this
>>42348815Interesting. It sounds like being cis was no less of an act for you than being trans? Not exactly sure. But if so, once again I don't think I relate. "Being myself" with others and "acting" for the protection of others' emotions are entirely different experiences for me.
