>early 20's poorly socialized tgirl ranti was doing really pretty good for a couple months but then everything in my life fell apart. no family. friends dont feel real(or maybe im just not). used to at least do and think about sexual stuff but recently during a particularly touch starved episode I invited a grindr guy over to cuddle and well. he didnt just want to cuddle. we didnt have sex but he touched me a lot and I said it was fine but it didnt feel fine and now i feel even more disconnected from this body. now i just find myself barely managing even the basics of my days and I feel so very alone. been just holding my gun under my chin once or twice a day and then staring at the ceiling above me, wondering how it would look. I think there is something deeply broken in me. I kinda want someone to just take care of me i guess, in the way that my family never really did. I'd settle for a functional body and a normal brain though. idk. usually have trip on for this shit but probably best not to concern people. its okay to just fade away i think. prob shouldve just written this in my notebook instead. i think im just an attention whore honestly. if i was more serious or not a coward I wldnt be writing any of this.
>>42362516>touch starved>acts like she didnt want to be touchedugh,women
>>42362516Doing suicide dry runs always helped calm me down but I used airsoft so I can pull the trigger.Do you know what made it so you did well before?Also I don't think it's bad to look for attention when you're feeling terrible, it's just this place that stigmatises it.
>>42362546idk i hadnt ever met up with people like that b4 and we had talked boundaries before we met and he just didnt respect them>>42362597yea. pulled the trigger a couple times on one of my dummy rounds and every time i imagine the bang and how it feels in my hand every time i use it at the range. idk if it calms me down or not it just is.idk for a bit it felt like i had people who cared about me and that i had a future and that i wasnt just some horrific creature. it feels like ive lost all my progress and that the changes i did make mean nothing.idk i hate that i do this behavior. it feels terrible and pathetic every single time. when people catch on that im doing poorly and ask me i feel like a cornered animal and my flight or fight response activates and idk.plus ive always been like this, even b4 board.
>>42362647like even at my lows i could at least imagine being better. that there was some future where im not like this. but every time i end up proving that wrong.
>>42362647Well you still got EXACTLY what he wanted. Only rapists and rape fetishists use grindr.
>>42362705yeah. i guess so. i wasnt raped though
>>42362647My first suicide attempt I got super calm as I was choking out and my mind got super clear. That did make me snap out of it though, it was weird.What makes you think how you're feeling now is the truth and not how you felt back when things were going well? You're often your own biggest saboteur. I'll say though, I have that too and it still makes me want to kms so no difference there I guess.I think reaching out is natural and when you feel like you've lost your friends why not do it as anon, even if just to shout in to the void. I do that all the time in threads just to get rid of some shit and maybe sometimes find a kindred or empathetic soul.>>42362666It does get worse every time it goes wrong yeah. You're in the worst of it tonight though, try to get comfy and distract yourself a bit. Head to bed early if you're not stuck with your thoughts.
>>42362823have some obligations which mean ill be up until like 1am probably. wish i could at least get drunk like last night.and idk yea sometimes theres a bit of clarity or like a letoff of pressure but i just feel numb for the most part now. i think about how long it would take for anyone to notice. what would change(nothing).honestly considering if i can find a girl to have sex with just so i dont feel alone for a bit. probably a little too shit looking right now to pull, def dont have the social ability to pull it off.
>>42363060Ah rip. Maybe it's a good thing you're not getting drunk alone when feeling like this. Either you feel worse or you'll feel better but that's how you become an alcoholic. You do hear horror stories about people decomposing for weeks. I think personally I'd let emergency services know because I wouldn't want my parents to find me. You say nothing will change but things did change recently for you. For the worse now yeah but you could get back there. For me the meaningless sex never did much good. It's a nice distraction but afterwards I just feel worse.
