I think I ruined my life to such a degree by repping that I genuinely fail to see a livable existence anymore, my body is now forever mutilated by male puberty and there's no amount of hrt and surgery that is going to fix what should've never happened in the first place. I hate myself for having been such a stubborn, stupid fucking coward and not at least trying to get help and be myself when younger. I hate myself so fucking much for it, and I also understand that I probably weren't any more dumber or weaker than the average person would've been in my situation, living in a hostile environment with no real connection to other trannies resources where I could learn about trans healthcare and the other. Either way the end result is the same and I am now a tall, broad shouldered ugly fucking hon. Forever. I could get srs and ffs and they would probably make happier, but I would still be a tall, broad shouldered hon. What the fuck even is the point when the only thing I ever wanted, the only thing I've ALWAYS wanted was just to be a normal woman? Am I going to take out loans to pay for my surgeries, and then kill myself after that when I realize it was not enough to fix me or to make me lovable in the eyes of any sane person? There is just no way I can ever fully cope with the amount of dysphoria I've felt since a child and will probably feel in the future as well, except dissociate from those feelings completely while wondering why nothing really makes me completely happy. God I want to kill myself so fucking badly.
>>42377204<3 i’m sorry anon hold out for surgery! i have faith in you!
