It begins with a suicide attempt, or maybe it never got close enough to that. I waited too long to transition, you see. I let the years tick by thinking anything after seventeen was too late, till one day I was twenty and sweating and crying at night and it had turned from something of possibilities to something palliative. When it started working I didn’t really know what to expect. I certainly didn’t believe it. The changes happened much faster than I thought. I began just a week after the election in November, and already had C cups by February. As I write this now a year later in 2026, my body really hasn’t changed much since that initial 6-month rapid growth.
The point of all this is that when I arrived at college as an eighteen year old, I was not really the depressed twinkish wreck I would become a few years later. I was muscular, I didn’t really experience dysphoria in the way I’d come to later on. I certainly had some desire to transition, but thought the process impossible, along with my family being very conservative. Most of my friends were women, but besides the first few weeks of school, when I’d go to parties around week four, I wasn’t let in along with my friends anymore. Typically parties are hosted by groups of men and they tend to let in women. Other men are only allowed in for the initial rushing period, especially for frats though also for business frats (which are not frats in the traditional sense). Thus if I wanted to do anything other than sit in my dorm room for a year and then an apartment the next three, I’d have to find some means of socializing, of going to parties and getting drunk and whatnot. I’m not going to deny that I’ve always enjoyed feeling things. Maybe the latent dysphoria just forced me into that whole Dorian Gray mode of things.

>>42564576
My grand decision in my freshman year was to join a frat. The first one that I looked at was somewhat strange. Everyone had a bit of a gleam in their eye, like they had some nefarious scheme planned for later onwards. I didn’t end up joining there. Instead the old girl friend group that I was still friends with was located in a particular dorm, and one particular guy was always coming through there. He had already befriended them and he was quite nice, being a year older than me, and my friends said that his frat had a good reputation and wasn’t much like the other frats. In hindsight I’ve spent quite a lot of time wondering why I initially joined. Partly it was some desire to compete with men, given that regardless of my gender feelings I wasn’t really socially allowed to compete with cis women. I like competing, I like debating, I like being in charge of people and actually getting the chance to speak my mind and persuade people. Partly it was also a bit of a desire to hide in plain sight. I certainly wasn't attracted to men at the time. I had a bit of a hypothetical attraction to men but I'd never done anything with one, and I'd had previous relationships with women. I know. AGP af.

>>42564586

Anyways when we fast forward a little bit I'd made some friends by the time I was a junior and more dysphoric. I hadn't really exercised in a couple years and my body was starting to look different, but it still made me dysphoric. I didn't really have a way to access HRT. Then by accident I ended up having to come out to my mom and sister, and my mom told my dad, so by Fall 2024 I was entering my senior year with a desire to transition, my parents informed, and my insurance non-cooperative. They actually wanted me, at age twenty-one, to go for another full year of counseling. Total lateshit gigahon suicidefuel ropefuck yes I get it. It was bad. I wasn't really on 4chan at the time so I didn't know about DIYing either. The entire concept was only revealed to me in October of 2024, at which point I immediately bought like six months' supplies of E pills and Spiro and then when they arrived a few weeks later I started.

>>42564596
This brings us to my suicide attempt. One day in my final semester as a senior, I found my friends taking shrooms. Now I had been a bit of a psychonaut in my prior years. When I was seventeen and eighteen I'd tripped quite a lot, particularly with acid, but at age nineteen my last -- at the time -- trip had consisted of three grams of mushrooms rather unkindly screaming at me in the mirror that I was to transition or kill myself with haste. Not willing to listen to the voices, I clamped my pillow over my head and woke up the next day. That was back in October 2022, two years before I'd end up ordering HRT. As a result I hadn't wanted to touch the damned substances for a few years until I'd figured out my levels of dysphoria, and actually started on my transition. On the day of the trip, that was my impetus, the idea that some phase of the past two years had been undone, and I was ready to be reborn into something new.

>>42564604
Anyways I took them and things were going well at first, at least for me. However my good friend, also tripping away, was not having quite so good a time. He wasn't used to them as much, and they'd left him shaking and muttering and crying somewhat barely thirty minutes in, and to add his eyes were nervously darting about the room as he contemplated going through this and feeling more alone than ever before in his life. I, being a noticer, helped him out a little bit as much as I could, but as we and our trip-sitter closed the door and began to discuss his issues, I couldn't help but shake the strange feeling that They Could Tell. These were frat boys, they're my arch-enemies as a trans woman, the freikorps to my rosa. At any moment I was terrified that I could slip up, maybe my bra strap would show, maybe they'd always known and were just being polite. All of these horrible thoughts were running through my head at that moment, and I couldn't really take it. Every glance, as I was coming up at that moment, felt like a confirmation of my worst nightmares, the start of the situation I'd dreaded for years.

>>42564612
When I knew I was transitioning I debated leaving the frat. Obviously it made sense. However other brothers had mysteriously left before, and this was always the topic of some great debate. People would look for them on campus, certainly everyone would know. If I had some grand dreams of instantly girlmoding upon leaving, I was certain that wouldn't be possible. And of course I was starting HRT with barely six months left before my college graduation. It's not exactly magical. I figured that with the slow process, and the fact that after I graduated I'd only have to maintain links with those of them I actually trusted, I was better off just staying for those last six months and boymoding in a more competitive sense.

>>42564619
And yet throughout this boymoding there was always the creeping horror in my brain. That everyone would know. As it was there had been close calls before. Once even before HRT, a brother a year older than me had, when particularly drunk, found me sitting on a couch somewhere and drunkenly slurred at me that I looked like a girl before passing out on the couch. Another time after HRT, a different one of them tapped me on my shoulder before immediately apologizing as he thought I was a woman. It's always a bit alarming, but even as a boymoder you can always weaponize the patriarchy in these instances and go "what? dude... that's insane what's wrong with you." and imply that they, not you, are the ones in the wrong here. I thought that one day, the incident would occur. That everyone at once would find out, everyone would ask who'd already known, those I trusted if I'd told any would be seen as guilty of something, perhaps liking me too much in whatever sense that meant, really just an infraction of the order of things, but within a day or two I feared everything falling apart and everyone hating me, my entire life ruined. God it's such a particular purgatory I'd woven my life into.
All these predicaments flooded my psyche at once, I immediately got up and left the room. I turned and left and went back to my apartment, where I locked myself in my room and started wondering what was happening. This was exactly as I was peaking too. It was a storm of horrors. I don’t really know what I thought had happened, but I definitely had the impression that my actions had outed me, and that everything was over. I was ready to kill myself. I never really liked living much anyways.

>>42564631

I remember standing in my kitchen staring at a serrated kitchen knife in my hands, looking at it pointed at my throat. This wasn’t remotely feasible. I could slit my wrists in the bathtub but I have roommates that’s just so inconsiderate.

I went back into my room and called my best friend, who immediately came over and defused me like a bomb. This had never happened before. I’m not this kind of person. I kept repeating that to myself. I didn’t want to become that kind of woman. I don’t want to be a burden. I remember how funny it felt thirty minutes after all of that, to take my unprescribed DIY spiro that I’d bought off the Internet three months prior as my friend watched me. Take your faggot pills faggot. Maybe one day things will improve.

At this point you’re probably wondering where the fagslop is.

>>42564643

I have a friend in the frat. His first name starts with a D. D and I had not always been close, but we had spoken much more in the months before I’d gotten on HRT. He was two years younger than me, and I’d always seen him as a bit of a little boy. I’d met him when I was a junior, and when I was a senior we started getting closer because by that point the majority of my old frat friends who’d been older than me had graduated.

In March of 2025 I was about four months on HRT. My boobs had grown a lot and I wanted to start prog, so I did. However I didn’t really expect the sexuality changes that ensued. I had previously mostly been into women. Any attraction to guys had been hypothetical. In summer 2022 I hooked up with a guy - but it really was not very enjoyable and the experience made me think I needed to wait until after I’d transitioned. Prog somewhat alarmingly made me instantly start fantasizing about D, (double entendre). He had grown quite a lot in the previous 2 years, like a lot. I don’t really know how I never realized this, but he was like comically hot. He’s the kind of hot where when my other friends met him months later, they immediately turned to me and said “Oh I get it now”. He’s about 6’2”, dark hair, stubble, twenty at the time I was twenty-two. He is very muscular and lean too.

>At this point you’re probably wondering where the fagslop is.
8 replies and you haven’t gotten to it yet? chop chop!

>>42564651
When these feelings first appeared I felt incredibly alarmed. It felt like a betrayal of my close friend’s trust. What’s more is that I really didn’t feel that way about anyone else in the frat, so it really felt like I was going against something here. More than a betrayal of trust it felt almost incestuous, we had so many other friends in common. None of my frat guy friends knew at the time, since I figured if I told one and the incident happened, everyone would think less of that person. I think in hindsight that was stupid and illogical of me. Even if I were to reach a situation where somehow I was able to come out to multiple of them, and they were okay with it, having anything happen with him would ruin everything. I’d go from a girl they’re all friends with who happens to be trans to someone whom one of them hook up with. The entire dynamic would shift.

So when we’d spend days together hanging out, and he’d get back from work all sweaty and I’d notice that it wasn’t disgusting like most men but actually something that made me woozy and blushing, or when we’d go on trips together and wake up staring into each others eyes, I saw this as betrayal of his trust. I wasn’t allowed to feel these things. Besides he had only been single at that point for like four months. Eventually he’d get a girlfriend again and I’d actually look so stupid for feeling these things. I needed to grow up.

>>42564655
Come graduation. It was like something cathartic. I genuinely didn’t care anymore about these imagined risks. So after telling another graduated older frat friend over text, I decided to do something I’d not done before at that point, to actually tell a man in person that I was a trans woman, an act that to me essentially meant being mashed to a pulp. He’s also a frat boy. I remember that shroom trip when my friend had to come over and convince me not to die, how afterwards at midnight I was crying with my head in the pillows, thinking that half of my Close friends weren’t really even friends, that they didn’t know this one big fat basic secret of mine, this life-changing secret that so fundamentally reshaped everything. How could I know? How could I trust them? I just don’t know. I just don’t know. I remember repeating that to myself.

May he comes over to see me. At the end of it I’m incredibly nervous. We’re driving back home from the McDonalds near my house and I tell him in the car. I remember seeing his eyes widen against the traffic lights behind him and he turned to me. I remember like lightning the words he said, something along the lines of “I know all I can do is prove it to you, but I’m obviously still going to be your friend.” Exactly what I’d wanted to hear. I should’ve known it was too good to be true.

>>42564652
this has me giggling

>>42564662
June is a blur to me. Only he knew. Of course some other friends of mine did too but they were all women or nonbinary. It was so bizarre hanging out with him, trying to get over this stupid girlish crush, seeing him laugh as I put on a hoodie to hide my body before we’d go out, joking about the act of boymoding. I remember sending him my blood test results, him seeing my 13 T reading and saying “wow you have literally never been a man huh”. I remember hugging him the first few times. He started doing that a lot more after I told him. I didn’t really pick up on it at the time. The feeling of it the first time was insane. There was nothing comparable to it at all. Having him, the guy I really really liked, after actually telling him that I was a tranny, not care and be willing to hug me really really deeply, like the kind of hug where your head is under his neck and you can smell him, I felt human. There’s really no other way to put it into words.

>>42564671

I remember driving to his house to pick him up. We’d chat about his terrible parents, smoke weed. Once in the car I asked him to arm wrestle me, coyly using the excuse of HRT making me weaker and wanting to test it out. We talked all the time back then. He’d text me out of the blue asking to call for a few minutes to talk about his life. I think that meant more to me than anything else. I liked feeling needed. Back then I felt so scared. I was like six months HRT and Trump four months inaugurated. The world felt like it was collapsing, like me not only trans but brown was being led into a camp. I used to be so confident, I didn’t have this basic latent fear permeating every day of my life, every fiber of my being. D was like this rock for me. I’d never really felt anything like this for a boy. Every previous crush I’d had was on women, and I’d been a boy back then too. Well maybe not but at least testosterone-dominant. It makes everything feel different, all 19th-century Romanticism. After HRT it wasn’t quite so grandiose, more cozy. Less “I will die for you” and more “I will live for you”.

>>42564677
July was like overdrive. In particular around the middle of the month. We went down together to the reunion. That was a bit bizarre, me not having really boymoded in two months at that point and not even sure if it was doable. I was seriously crushing at this point. I mean seriously like taking trips together? The intimacy of having girlmoded with him for a solid month prior at this point every time we’d hung out, and now to girlmode in the car driving down with him before joking and slipping on a hoodie and talking slightly more boyish was like nothing I’d ever experienced. It felt fun. Genuinely very fun. It made me sad that I hadn’t told him earlier, that I hadn’t gotten to experience this, life as a woman, at least a little bit on campus before I’d graduated. I only got to see it now in these weird snippets. We got drunk together and went to the bar with our other frat friends, where I was literally terrified amidst hundreds of people, half of whom are cis women and much more capable of clocking scared boymoders than clueless men. I walked behind him like the entire time. To be honest I got a bit of a perverse glee when he was walking in front of me and I’d see womens’ heads turning to look at him. It felt weird, like reminding me of years before when I’d been an attractive guy, but like through someone else. I felt jealous and protective but also really proud for some reason that I was hanging out with him, that at the end of this it would be him and I going home together.

>>42564687
All of those thoughts made it much more alarming when, the next day, when we had gone out to eat at a drive-thru, he turned to me and asked if I’d been stressed at all the previous night at the bar. I frowned at him. “Yes. How’d you know?” and I proceeded to explain how even though we’d been amongst frat boys the hours before going out, they were not as good at clocking at me as the multitudes of women at the bar. He looks at me and says jokingly, “maybe they thought we were a couple. Every single time I go the bar women come up and hit on me but they didn’t do that last night haha.”

I literally turned as red as a brown woman can turn. What the fuck is wrong with him. Why would he say that.

On the drive home he was playing 2010s pop. This was strange to me because I know he doesn’t listen to this stuff very much and neither do I. Why is he playing love songs. He dropped me off and I was really happy. Words would find it difficult to express the joy I felt on that weekend. It felt like an act of becoming. It felt like a glimpse into the relationship I’d always wanted.

This is decidedly the peak of the story. Please keep that in mind going forwards.

>>42564701
August 2nd. This date now reverberates in my head like a gong. He’d been a bit off the past couple weeks. I was the worrying type so I didn’t really think much of it. I knew it wouldn’t work out between us. I knew this was just a silly crush I’d gotten a bit too much into, that he was at work all day lifeguarding with hot cis blonde women who mog me and I have zero hopes here. Anyways the afternoon of August 2nd he comes over to play videogames and smoke weed as usual. I’d girlmoded around him several times, but I still distinctly remember seeing something strange in his gaze that day when I initially saw him in the garage. Other men had done it before, that Look where they look first at your body and then at you, but I wasn’t wearing anything insane, just a tshirt and gym shorts. Hi? I asked him with a puzzled look. He came inside and we started hanging out.

>>42564707
He starts being a little annoying, or maybe I’m on edge since he’s going back to school and I’m stuck here working from home. The big girl has finally graduated. Life is over. He’s 2 years younger so the last couple weeks I’ve had my thoughts full of him pent-up fucking girls the second he gets back to campus. God that should be me I think to myself. Anyways him flopping onto my bed and immediately texting someone (presumably a woman) irks me. Wtf is wrong with u. I know we’re not together but at least be friendly. This is just plain rude. That’s what’s going through my head at least. I say something slightly nicer and he apologizes. We’re playing Mariokart and even though he’s very very good at it I almost win. I hear him breathing harder and harder as I’m about to win before he wins. Whatever dawg.

>>42564718
I need to give a disclaimer for the following events. I do not know what came over me. I have dated women before as a guy. I can understand what this looks like. Anyways at some point soon after he says the word females. I think I was like particularly emotional or something because to me I read this as “YNWBAW and you’re a male woman”. Anyways I get sad about a few minutes after this and ask him if I’m female in his head or not, to which he looks at me weirdly and says yes. I then proceed to say to him that (this part is not a lie!!!!) I have no ability to conceptualize my appearance (I was like 9 months HRT ok) and kind of like how people in middle school would platonically rate each other, I need him to platonically rate me. I don’t know what came over me. It was absurd. Just a total outpour of ennui. Some desire to turn this dead-end situation with him about to leave back to college and fall in love into something. Anyways he tells me I’m mid as opposed to ugly or hot. He doesn’t understand why this has my 9mo HRT ass beaming ear to ear while he immediately apologizes. I transitioned to be an ugly woman. Having a hot guy tell you he thinks you’re mid is an insane ego boost I kinda felt like wow maybe the HRT is working. I immediately ask a tertiary question of “would u tell me if I was ugly” (lmao). I see him metaphorically wince before he answers yes. I know there was no point asking. It’s all flawed data. The statistics won’t hold up under peer review. But it still kind of helped a bit idk.

>>42564730
Anyways while watching a movie like an hour later I put my head on his shoulder and he’s like ummmm let’s not. I do think that was a bit nuts. I don’t know what came over me. He was right there and we were watching the movie together. He was so warm and right there and idk it was like electrical I just wanted to lean into him.

After that I profusely apologized. I thought the friendship was over at this point. I thought I’d hit on him super obviously, even though yes it is true I’d do this platonically too (although not with him) and putting your head on someone’s shoulder isn't actually indicative of you being in love with them. I also gave him a back massage that day. He’s really muscular. He was massaging me too idk. The vibes were everywhere.

>>42564738
August and September were really bad months for me. I also felt worried about my friendship with D even though he assured me I hadn’t ruined anything and everything was fine. At the end of September was Homecoming, another event at my campus and for greek life, and my friend invited me to come. Well even back in August that fateful day we’d planned to see each other again then, but I’d acknowledged the basic reality that each subsequent month on HRT made it more and more difficult to feasibly LARP as a frat boy from my end, boymoder hoodie notwithstanding. I reached out to him and he said I could crash on his couch. This made me a bit conceptually nervous. I genuinely had thought our friendship was over when I’d put my head on his shoulder and he’d immediately said no. You’re really okay with me coming and crashing on your couch and boymoding again for another weekend? Do you really want to repeat July?

>>42564744

I didn’t want to get my hopes up. I decided to not make everything about him for once. I was driving down with another friend of ours, the one I’d originally met to join who was a year older than me, although he was staying elsewhere at night, and we were chatting in the car as I told him I was trans and he made Asian Woman driver jokes. At this point a solid dozen of my frat friends knew. None of them had cared, which was somewhat surreal. In contrast I’d had cis women I’d been friends with for years abruptly stop being friends with me either after I came out or months later, one doing so after expressing jealousy at my body.

I still remember walking into the frat house yet another time, apprehensively. This time it was full of pledges, the first time there was a new batch of boys who’d not known me before HRT. It’s much harder to lie to new people and convince them you’re just a normal boy. In contrast, people you’ve known for years are very willing to accept strange behavioral quirks. Oftentimes they don’t even notice them. However I found it easy to LARP that weekend. None of them seemed to notice.

>>42564752
About an hour into things, I was on the main floor when he appeared. In the midst of that entire crowd he dropped everything and stretched his arms out for a hug. To say I was stunned was an understatement. Of course I gave it to him. Don’t you think I’m a weird gross troon? I was thinking in my head. Aren’t you ashamed of me? Don’t you think everyone can tell? I suppose I was still boymoding in the eyes of everyone who didn’t know I was trans. Only a dozen or so of them knew and they kept my secret. That weekend was like a fun game. It really made me wish, again, that I’d said something sooner. That maybe there might’ve been some chance that even before graduation this all could’ve been happening.

We got pretty drunk and ended up talking a bit that night. I had been so worried about our friendship prior and I hadn’t gotten to talk to him about it IRL since August. I really thought I’d ruined everything that day with my stupid girlish impulsivity. When I expressed this fear to him the look of sadness in his eyes was palpable, it meant more of an apology to me than the sorry and explanation he gave after. I really didn’t think anymore that I’d ruined things that day. It was something else that made him grow distant. Maybe someone else, I thought to myself.

>>42564764
I woke up to the feeling of vomit coming out of my throat. 4 AM. His couch. Not 3 feet away from him snoring. Splat. It hit the floor right on his rug. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Are you fucking serious. I wasn’t even drunk. I barely drank. Bro. No. It was the mexican food truck whose steak tacos gave you food poisoning the other time you went there, two years ago, and decided to boldly reinvigorate your body with this poison on this night of all nights.

I don’t remember if I woke him up or if he did himself. I was so ashamed. The weirdest thing is, despite him having work at 7am in less than three hours, he didn’t seem to care. He turned the light on, asked if it was food poisoning, helped me clean it, put the blanket into the laundry, and we both went back to bed while I profusely apologized for a solid twenty minutes throughout and offered to pay him money for the rug, which he refused oddly enough. What the hell dude. What the actual hell. None of this makes sense. Why are you so nice to me.

>>42564774
I said bye to him the next morning. I knew things would be different. I knew it was over. It was like that one last good day before putting a dog down. Two weeks later when he said he was dating someone I wasn’t really that surprised. I’m the dog here.

Throughout October I went on a lot of long walks. The summer this year lasted particularly long. It was 80 degrees and lush green a week before Halloween. If this is climate change and the rapture, it’s certainly beautiful above the 40th parallel. Some part of me felt betrayed I think, but I’d been expecting this phase for months and months. I’d been trying to actively get over him since the August incident. It probably would’ve been easier if not for Homecoming being even better than that weekend in July, even more of a glimpse into my life unlived.

>>42564782
In November I went to go see my other friend at campus. D was not the priority of this trip. Besides he had a girlfriend now. It’s not like I would be able to spend much time with him. And yet I still had other friends at the frat. I dropped by on that trip to see them.

Probably the weirdest interaction I’d had with him up to that point. I’d been expecting to see his girlfriend. God, maybe dreading is a better word. I had a sense in the back of my head that she’d see me, instantly bore a hole right through my skull with lasers that clock my very soul and negate any boymoding. Keep in mind that the previous time I’d walked into this frat house, he’d immediately hugged me. Now when I was sitting down there with our other friends and he came down into view with her, he looked directly at me and then didn’t speak a word.
What the actual fuck. My heart was like a jackrabbit. What the hell. What the hell? Dude what is your fucking issue. Nothing even happened between us. If something did I feel like I should’ve known between August and September, certainly not now. What the hell is this?

>>42564789
I go upstairs with my other frat friend and see D in the bathroom washing his hands. I ask him with a raised eyebrow what that was downstairs, to which he sheepishly answers, “uhhh my girlfriend is here” (what?!). What would that have to do with anything? I ask him and I frown. We had had so many discussions about the head-on-shoulder incident up to this point. He had told me multiple times that I was overreacting about being stressed, and that he hadn’t interpreted it as me being into him. So what was this strange behavior?

The reason for my trip there that weekend was to go see a house show which my (non-frat) friend was throwing. I went to the show boymoding with another friend in the frat (not D). I remember pulling into the driveway and feeling horribly clocky because some girl who lowkey looked trans (but fish af) was staring at me when I drove in. After an hour or two of the show he wants to go back to do homework (he lives at the frat) so I oblige not wanting to be alone. We walk back into the frat to see a pre-game in full swing, and I turn the corner to see D and his gf a swarm of groping hands and mouths and legs, and immediately turn and walk out of there a minute or two later. I’m too old for this place. This shouldn’t affect me like it does.

>>42564795
The next morning I’m asking D if he wants to hang out at all before I head back home from campus. He’s being so strangely aloof, but he says to come over and see him since he’s alone. Apparently his girlfriend is known for being there literally all the time, and other mutual friends of ours even complained to me that he has no time for them anymore because it’s all going to her (great dude tell me that one again hahahahah). We hang-out for a few hours and he hugs me goodbye. It feels strange. Nothing feels like the summer anymore. I tell him this, how I miss June and July. He said it was a good time and he agrees. I wonder what it all meant to him.

From then, which was mid-November, until the end of the year, I barely spoke to him. I could feel us weirdly drifting. I was scared of it but I didn’t really know what I’d done. I thought maybe I’d upset him, that he was aware of me liking him. He knew the truth of the whole affair. But some part of me was upset because it was just then that I’d started getting over him. Way back I’d known he’d eventually have a girlfriend, that I’d need to conceptualize myself as just his friend and get over it, and now I was finally ready for it, so why was he drawing back? In early December for the first time maybe ever, he ghosted me for like two weeks straight which felt eerie. Like a sign of things to come.

>>42564802
We reconnect in late December. I tell him how sad I’ve been about our friendship, how worried I am about things. It feels like the same conversation we’ve been having for months. I don’t know why I try. I don’t know what I did wrong. He says it’s not my fault and that he’s been struggling. He tells me about it, stuff he says nobody else knows about him and his struggles. He says this is why he’s been so distant, and I get the sense he’s oddly ashamed about something, like he wants my approval somehow. It’s jarring, since I’ve always wanted his.

I offer to come visit him. We make plans. I’m to drive down there to see him the weekend of the 9th. It’s January now. The new year has come. As I write this now it hasn’t been a month since these most recent events occurred.

I get down there. We’re smiling and hanging out like old times, chatting, smoking, watching things. We put on the last few episodes of Berserk. He watched it a while ago with me but wants to read the manga soon so it’s to jog his memory. I watch as Casca has her life destroyed. She looks just like me.

>>42564811
Around 10pm on Friday when we’d been hanging out for a few hours he says we should probably call it a night, as apparently his girlfriend is calling him and I shouldn’t be in the room. This puzzles me, as I interpret the statement as it meaning a brief 10-minute call to check up on each other. When he elaborates that it’s going to be a long call, and the specific purpose is to check what he’s up to with me, I get a bit alarmed. I ask what he means, only to find out that in October, about a month into them dating, he’d mentioned our friendship to her only to find out that she’s immensely transphobic and thinks all trans people are mentally ill. I get a bit worried at this point. This is the outing to a negative group that I’d always kind of feared, but it’s coming from such a strange place. This is the first time someone has known that I’m trans and hated me for it, suspected me of something. It’s nothing compared to the next blow.

“She’s calling me. And she’s not going to want to see a tranny in the room”

It feels like I’ve been stabbed. I look at him eyes agape. Are you serious? He’s never ever said that word to me before. I’ve never even been called that slur IRL before. For it to come from him of all people?

His eyes get wide.

“I didn’t mean it. I only said it because she calls you that”

Holy shit. As if this makes it any better. Great. You and your girlfriend call me a tranny behind my back. This just gets better and better. He’s profusely apologizing at this point. I’m crying.

>>42564819
After a few minutes I feel the need to ask him if he thinks something else of things. He brings up that a few hours earlier I’d tapped his leg or something? This is absurd to me. I repeated the motion that I did with like 2 of my other friends and they were both very confused by the implication that this could be seen as hitting on someone. I bring up to him that I’m really worried and scared. In my head I’d gotten over him!!! I’m certainly not the type of woman to ever hit on a guy with a girlfriend!! I need to know where the line is if he’s going to be randomly accusing me of things like this. He says that his girlfriend is really paranoid and wants to make sure we’re not sleeping in the same room with me on his couch again. His couch is broken though. It’s not very comfortable and I had zero intentions of sleeping on it.

I start asking him why. I bring up how a few weeks earlier, he and some other frat friends had visited me back at my house around Thanksgiving, and that night several of them had crashed at my place. One of them even fell asleep in my bed. It’s not like anything happened between us!!!!! Does the mere act of sleeping in the same room with someone automatically mean that you’re into each other? The two of us had fallen asleep in the same bed before. It’s not like it meant anything.

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Not OP, but wanna make a checkpoint for anyone reading :3

>>42564825
He looks at me strangely. It’s a weird look, it’s unlike anything I’d ever seen from him before. I was so scared of losing him, I was so scared at that moment that he’d open his mouth and say “I know you like me”. Instead it’s fear in his eyes too.

“I don’t want this to be a friendship-ending conversation” - he says

I feel like the world is ending. I don’t get what he means. Why would this be friendship-ending, I ask him. I don’t want to end things… Do you want to end things? To which I’m answered with an emphatic No! And a look of greater fear in his eyes. I realize at this moment he’s not scared of being forced to lose me, he’s scared I’ll suspect something of him.

>>42564838

It feels weird, like in a single glance our entire power dynamic has been re-arranged. What? I look at him and stare quizzically. I start ranting.

“Dude. I know you’re attractive. I’m like a 1y HRT trans girl, don’t worry I know you’d never be even slightly into me, I never thought you were, please don’t think that. I really need you to understand I see you as a brother and I want you to think of me as your sister and that anything between us would feel genuinely incestuous”

And then he looks at me with that same pained glance and says

“I don’t know if I can control myself around you”

WHAT. WHAT. WHAT. Why would he say that. He can’t be serious. I’m frowning. I don’t want him to repeat it because I know that acknowledgement of it would mean him saying the truth, him realizing what he’s saying is basically cheating in an emotional sense. Why would he do this now. This is a conversation for August, for September, not months after, when you’ve been dating her now 3 months. At some point that night he said “I don’t know why I started dating my girlfriend” too. He started talking about how he needed me in his life but also her, and how our paths couldn’t intersect. It’s like being stabbed over and over again. He’s not who I thought he was. He’s insecure, incapable of actually just friendzoning me in the way I was able to friendzone him.

>>42564850

I don’t really know where to go with him. It doesn’t really seem possible to stay friends or anything, and I’ve been talking to someone else for a few months, which is why his other insinuation was so annoying. I literally wouldn’t ever hit on someone in a relationship. Anyways that’s the extent of things.
I think what’s most surprising about the whole thing is that I might’ve expected this from any of my other guy friends but he’s like the hottest. It’s weird when he says things like “I’ve never been so close with a girl like you” when even back when I was a boy and a teenager I had to get used to this, and the novelty of it was moreso in regard to my transition.

THE END

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What a wonderful story OP. Skimmed it looking for hot sex to get off to, but it was pretty good despite not having that.

>>42564885
my life is full of yearning :/

its not a story its true unfortunately

>>42564901
sorry nona I don't think this qualifies as slop

this is just a blog

>>42564931
if she said they’d fucked at the end would u call it a slow-burn?

>>42564960
no I think slop inherently means low commitment but high dopamine hit

junk food for the straggot soul

>>42564861
it sounds to me like he is attracted to you

>>42564559
Peak, unfortunately too realistically sad to be fake. Why are men like this and why am I still attracted to them when even this is a better possibility for a hon?

You write pretty well.

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>>42564861
Am not reading that,

Am so sorry nona, or am so happy for you nona.. I dunno.. Write a book??

>>42564998
He is super into her but terrified of what it means to date a trans woman, so he dated some random woman for an excuse to be 'taken' and not think about it. Many such cases, very sad. I am sorry this happened like it did, nona.

>>42568663
desu i feel like we have too many friends in common and even if he’d wanted me more it wouldn’t have really worked out long term. maybe we could’ve hooked up or gotten together temporarily but i don’t think we’re that compatible. my other friends in the frat who im out to and close with would treat me differently too. i just wanted to write about it to show that things dont really go the way you expect sometimes

>>42564559
Even if the was no hot sex in the end this great a nice read. You're a good writer op. But I wonder, if he declared himself to you and dropped the transphobe, what will you do?

>>42564850
>“I don’t know if I can control myself around you”
Ruined it with this larp-ass ending, your writing style is nice though.
On the off chance it's true; you don't exist as a plaything or an experiment for confused or curious men to use, please remember that. Also, while I think you're a bit emotionally imperceptive and I was cringing at parts, I'm so jealous of your sincerity, if this isn't a larp it's clear you both care about each other a lot. Clearly though, he's more afraid of you and what it would mean to date you than that care.

>>42570915
do you actually think i’d write out all of that as a fake story. this is rly funny to me. believe what you want omg. the idea that my real life is somehow so fantastical to you that you think im writing fiction is kind of funny
>>42570605
i don’t think i could forgive him for what he’s said to me. every time i look at him now hes just the first person to call me a slur. not really fall in love material after that

>>42570915
> I'm so jealous of your sincerity, if this isn't a larp it's clear you both care about each other a lot.

yes it was just the particular instance i think. i wasn’t used to all of the feelings idk. i’d never really been around a boy like that in such close proximity and actually felt allowed to be a girl without it being scary. im sad he couldn’t figure things out better as my friend

my heart :c... I'm so sorry you had to go through this nona.
thank you for sharing your story

this is amazing. resonated with me on so many levels wow. just the whole dynamic of being queer/trans and having that one male (or not) friend that youve gone through a lot with, with feelings mixed in. the months go by and things just happen and gosh i rly liked reading this. thank u for ur sincerity nona <3

>>42564850
>He started talking about how he needed me in his life but also her, and how our paths couldn’t intersect.
I'm gonna be honest here. You are giving him constant confidence boost with your immature crush. You are basically begging him to fuck you. Thats your purpose, to make him feel better.
If a man loved/liked you as more than a friend, he would be with you. Men move mountains and go through so much shit if they are in love.
He does not want you, he might want to fuck you or something but thats all.

For men the bar to fuck someone is way lower than the bar to date someone.
Its opposite for women.

>>42576144
she literally said she thought he only wanted to fuck her and not date and it made her sad. read closer
> Its opposite for women.
this is not true at all either. if i feel conceptually safe around a guy and he's hot i'd hook up with him but that doesn't mean i think he's like someone who'd be a good dad or stick around forever

>This much bitching about nothing
Femalebrained. Congrats nona.

>>42577595
Are you a female? Cause its different depending when you socialized as a woman. Some trans girls are very desparate for attention cause they did not drown in it during their early teens and whole life.
Guy would have to be giga hot for a cis woman to have just a fuck with him but women date any kind of a loser when they are ready to settle down.

Men fuck anything with a hole but only want to wife the perfect girl.

>>42577741
> Men fuck anything with a hole but only want to wife the perfect girl.

every woman knows this, genius.

>>42577633
and the prose is just intolerable. tl fucking dr

ok i gave up after like 10 replies fuck off my time is worth more than this

like, i'm sorry to be so blunt about it OP. i gave you some grace bc i liked the "freikorps to my rosa" analogy, however overwrought it is in the hands of an obvious bpd youngshit passoid such as yourself. the problem is, you give so much detail and describe so many situations, but they seem like non-sequiturs, they don't build to anything. in other words: if you have to TELL your audience where the climax is, you seriously need to rethink the structure of your narrative

Straight guy perspective here. I don't think he said the slur to hurt you, I think he just repeated what his transphobic girlfriend said without thinking. it was a mistake, don't hold it against him.

Also I think you two are meant for each other and I'm not a romantic. Just jealous.

>>42578029
are people who got on hrt at age 21 youngshits now

>>42578029
life doesn’t really build towards anything a lot of the time. sometimes it’s just a series of events and you find out later maybe it was more

>>42579044
if you started hrt at 21 you are a youngshit, in my eyes

>>42579056
this is exactly what zizek meant by "reality is the worst ideology." i am not reading reality. i'm reading a story. which should be good, first and foremost, which means, not boring, which means, it has to hook me with a narrative device. which this story makes no effort to do. drab, bourgeois nonsense

>>42578467
>think he just repeated what his transphobic girlfriend said without thinking
That means that he calls her "tranny" behind her back

Also nice larp "straight" guy from lgbt board