horny late at night and im remembering the times ive spent with female friends where theyve touched me or looked at me a certain way and i couldnt tell them or let anyone know but it fucking got me good. one time recently i was in an art shop with my friend and she started touching my face and neck with the brushes i think with her fingers too. i had to leave and go to the bathroom. one time my other female friend just randomly decided to give me a shoulder massage and i feel so guilty for being horny about it but it's touch and women don't touch me. i'm a lesbian a filthy dyke they don't want me to get excited over it. these people are my friends they're safe around me and i'm betraying their trust by letting my body betray me when they do something so simple as breathe too hard and too warm in my direction. i fucking hate myself i dont deserve to live. im the predator they think all lesbians are and it makes me want to kill myself
straight girls love making gay jokes. they love it. they love touching their friends and saying sexual shit and they think im one of them. im gay and they know but they see me as harmless. i should be harmless. i mean its not like im gonna touch them or anything but i shouldnt feel this way when this happens. when they tell me they want me to fuck them or whatever as a joke, it's a joke but i can't be like "don't fucking say that" because theyll wonder why. why does anyone have to be straight or gay or whatever i wish everyone liked everyone but im disgusted by the idea of touching a man in a sexual or romantic way and i guess thats the way they feel about women. fuck my life
to be clear i dont wan t to fuck them. i keep my sexuality in porn or whatever. i just have these intrusive desires and theyre bad. like theyre fucking bad im a bad person for having the mindset where thats the reaction i get without even thinking it
