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>>42575692
>I say I'm bi because I like women and want to have sex with guys, never say the second part tho lol
>slowly form a bond with these people as a bunch of women and their one male friend
>over the school year I slowly admit to myself that I'm trans yet don't do or say anything because again, porn addiction
>start slinking more and more into numb [re/de]pression
>one day we're watching anime and I make a dumb joke about something gender-specific
>my friend says "unless [anon] has secretly been a woman this whole time and isn't telling us!" people laugh
>I noticeably go silent and the chat is just quiet
ff a few months later
>get message from friends in twitter gc saying "[anon] why did you like this"
>can't say what it is but it was a tiktok implying somebody was having sex, it was meant to be funny though
>I didn't even think it was that explicit but I've been watching porn almost everyday for months so...
>my friend jumps on me and is like "I don't want to see this porn at all it's weird"
>others agree and I try to fight back but ultimately admit that I won't like as explicit stuff
>a week, maybe a few days later
>judgement day.webp
>before I eat dinner
>I don't even know how it started but all of a sudden my friend accused me of liking femboy pornography on twitter
>multiple times, too
>"what?"
2/?

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>>42575702
>then all of them joined in and said I had a fetish for femboys and everybody had seen this
>I was completely speechless
>you know that attitude people take on twitter in arguments and they type stuff like "No <3" and "sasdfghjlf PLEASE" "IM WEAK" well all of them had that attitude towards me
>it's like for a moment I wasn't a friend and instead another bigot they saw online, even my longterm irl friends were chiming in and arguing with me
>they all had something to say about it and I tried desperately to refute it or say something in my defense but I was so shell-shocked and couldn't say I didn't because I mean unfortunately I did
>I tried to say that it was impossible that I ended up liking that stuff and nobody responded
>except another friend saying that I was lying about that and shaming me more
>they went on to talk about how femboy stuff was rooted in pedophilia, homophobia, racism (bnwo bullshit), which is true and how it was weird I liked it and that they didn't want to be friends with me if I liked it
>and then how disgusting and wrong porn is in general
>mom called me for dinner downstairs, I say I'm coming then go into the bathroom and sit down and cry for an hour or so as they argue with me
>I remember saying like "ok, I'll change. I didn't think I was doing that and I'm sorry"
>all of them were just like "just fucking stop it because it's gross, please"
>continue crying in the bathroom for another hour
>literally my worst fucking nightmare came true and I couldn't stop to think about how and what made it happen or even interrogate them about what they saw
>because I still have NO IDEA how or why they saw that shit or what they saw because I barely used twitter for porn purposes but maybe I liked one or two posts instead of bookmarking??
>I don't fucking know but for an instant it's like they saw the worst part of me
sorry this is long
2/4

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>>42575718
thats where everything happens, the next few texts is about my ongoing repression sort of induced by this
>I tried to masturbate after that and for a while couldn't because I was so ashamed of myself and my sexuality
>eventually I did and masturbated to trans porn specifically, not femboys because I guess I thought that was better?
>end of the day it didn't matter and the difference between trans/femboy/sissy classification in pornography is not worth wading through when you just want to watch a video of a feminine person with a penis getting fucked lol
>I completely gave up on ever considering myself a femboy or whatever and considered maybe I was just trans but needed to become "better" before transing
>otherwise this would happen again
>developed a complex about never being able to show myself to people and gave up on ever being understood
>still to this day I believe in that
>I graduated and was still 100% repressing cause of the shame, cried and people thought it was because I was sad to be leaving school, it was actually cause I was so disconnected from my body
for the next
>went to college still repressing but kept saying "oh I'll do it oh I'll do it", ended up having a really bad first year where I barely ate one meal a day and had this terrible fucking fratboy roommate
>met more friends, got more irl cis women friends actually who cared less about something like the aforementioned happening
>ended up flunking out of school because of my repression induced depression
>eventually admitted to myself it wasn't that bad and that I probably just have to transition outside of this incident
>still carry a lot of the shame with me
>even now I just tried to search up the messages in the discord and had to close it because of the feeling
>got and still have active social life and hang out with supportive irl friends, rarely the people from the discord
>came out to some of them about wanting to transition and they said they accepted me
3/4

Kind of bullshit that all your friends dog piled on you. Who cares what kind of porn you like? It not like you are getting off on abuse.

A genuine friend would probably pull you aside and say "Hey, all those things you liked are public just so you know"
They wouldn't shame you and tell you you're fucked up for liking femboys.

Your friends suck and turned something slightly embarrassing into a socially traumatic experience.

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>>42575757
4/4
what else?
>no trans female friends except one very recently who's been trying to motivate me
>when I do interact with trans people irl they can tell I'm a repressor and usually distance themselves
>everyday for years I wake up with this huge pit of despair in my stomach
>around the time I flunked out I started getting lonely and started having fantasies with trans girlfriends
>have had multiple crushes on multiple local trans women around town, never say anything to them, never act on them
>just have these fantasies with them to cure the despair, occasionally I'll just be making dinner and imagine my crush is hugging me shit like that
>that she's comforting me through the shame and the depression in my life
>try to cry about stuff but I just can't
>I've just gotten lonelier and more ashamed of myself as time goes on
>through online doomposting I found a girl who said she would give estrogen to me
>she probably will but she'll probably also drop me within the week
>just become numb and lonely
I don't blame my friends for what they said to me, ultimately I understand it and can only talk how it made me feel. It's just funny and sad that I've spent the last few years of my life in this shame because of some goddamned femboy porn, do you understand how much of a joke that is? Everything in my life is that funny and also that sad. I just want a hug man. My trans friend gave me one but it was because I accidentally embarrassed myself in front of her other friends. I just want to be comforted but no one wants to do it to me. Why? I want to go back to before this all happened. Why couldn't I had been a good human being? Why'd I have to disappoint everyone. That's my story thank you.

Yeah, your friends sucked and you're fine.

You are depressed and socially anxious but once you get on hrt and start feeling like more a of a whole person literally none of this will matter.

You're going to make other trans friends and be able to get close to them. You will eventually find a partner and you will feel less lonely.

Shit is hard before you figure yourself out but you'll get there.

Love you <3

>>42575799
>socially traumatic experience
Yeah desu that's why even after this incident I decided to distance myself from them a little. Stopped joining in every call. It was so funny because I told this to my therapist and she was just like "well you know... you can just not hang out with them." I think if there was a trans woman among them she would have been able to see what was happening maybe but whatever. I understand why they didn't like it.

>>42575866
Well even though you know on some level that they were being unreasonable I'm sorry it's still weighing so heavy on you.

It's totally fine for them to not like it. And it's also totally fine for you to not be close to them. I'm glad you got some distance.