> weird money competition between both of us.
> I’m super insecure bcuz I’m trans and couldn’t take normal guy clients and couldn’t walk the blade or be a stripper. they were insecure bcuz I was making more
> I start having crazy dysphoria episodes bcuz I couldn’t take the clients they had (I’m fucking crazy)
> they’re extremely reckless w hooking and I get rlly scared
> taking clients from off the streets that are rlly scary and trying to pimp them out
> it’s a self harm thing but I’m around it all the time and I’ve been raped b4 so I am like rlly scared
> we start fighting abt it
> they completely lose their shit
> I keep telling them to get a job but they won’t as a pride thing
> theyre taking clients for crack hooker money
> we’re still kicking it tho it was a p fun time
> racking and selling on the side im tattooing at the crib it’s like whatever
> spend the summer in a fugue state chasing them around between their psychotic delusions tho
> literally can hear him crying every night and it fills me w dread
> comes out as a trans man
> FUCKFUCKFUCK
> I didn’t have to think abt t slur shit or being trans for literal years and now I have to walk someone that has a complex abt me thru early transition
> accept them bcuz I care abt them and want them to be happy and it would be psycho of me not to
> on the bright side we were super involved in the art scene and I was trapping tats out of my friends upscale drug/party house
> going to meetings tho and I’m low key spiritually content so it’s whatever
> “I’m not gonna change”
> start fighting every day
> they’re like high key roid raging at me
> he’s still in a psychotic episode but like high key manic too
> he comes out as a gay man
> whole time I knew them he was a lesbian which was nice bcuz we never fought over guys
> we fought over male attention in the past but not too bad
> he starts having sex w a lot of straight men on grinder and that they met in our neighborhood

>>42766324
> tell him they’re straight
> low key go into a dysphoria episode bcuz im like hearing abt his pregnancy scares
> why are u doing piv i thought u were a man
> im nauseous and dizzy all the time bcuz im so grossed out and he won’t stop talking abt it
> bully tf out of him so he’ll shut the fuck up bcuz I couldn’t take anymore
> friend relapses on coke at one of the parties at my friends crib and has sex w a straight guy
> relapse with him bcuz im so stressed and it can’t get any more stressful and miserable than this
> already playing around w trippy shit and justifying it spiritually anyways
> he’s freaking out every day and I do my best to calm him down but the stress energy is going straight into me
> Most stressed I’ve been in my entire life

> he has an episode and tries to kill himself in front of me
> I have to kick down his door bcuz he’s trying to overdose and he tries to throw himself off the balcony
> I just don’t even process any of this
> feel like if he kills himself it’ll be my fault
> fall asleep to scream crying every night
> afterwards like let’s go back to aa
> drug addiction doesn’t work like that :<
> not doing fun drugs rlly
> trump one
> uhoh
> sex reassignment surgery scheduled for me so I have to be in a state w protections and low key don’t wanna be the first in camps
> im from ATL
> sucks but whatever I didn’t wanna live here forever anyways
> ya let’s move to a northern city ur families from i prob have an uncle there or smth

> move or whatever
> oh I have severe seasonal depression
> oh fuck I’m like rlly skinny and hate the cold
> move to the hood regrettably
> my walk to the train is thru a completely desolate road off heroin highway with homeless encampment
> getting harassed without fail half the times I go outside
> grown ass HOUSED (and homeless desu) men jerking off to me on the train every time I leave the house
> woke but like maybe not enough for ts

>>42766344
> getting followed and having homeless guys scream shit at me while jerking off
> ths sucks I don’t wanna get raped
> if I get raped I’m statistically gonna get the shit beat out of me or killed
> no car
> didn’t know neighborhoods could even rlly get this bad lol.
> segregation
> either children of the corn white ppl town or im a stain white girl zero in between
> why is the north like this
> white ppl from this city are fucking unbearable to be around
> no matter what I’m getting stared at in a v German way bcuz I’m hot and a coastal elite
> back home ppl minded their fucking business
> low key my other friends are chill but I still can’t walk outside
> don’t go outside
> work from home
> severe depression
> aesthetically this city fucking sucks I want my syrupy black coffee and long lush summer nights staying up till the sky turns blue and cicadas and I wanna cry how do ppl live here
> miss the mountains
> can’t even go for a walk without fearing for my life (I’ve lived in bad neighborhoods my entire adult life but this was diff shit like police will not help u here)
> zero nature
> kms

> my roommate and our other friend start trying to get me to drop my friend group that doesn’t like them
> low key I don’t like my roommate or our other friend that much so I keep talking to my other friends
> I feel like a battered wife
> a lot of manipulative therapy talk
> can we just like be cool we’re just friends
> just kind of take getting grilled for random shit and don’t rlly fight his narratives
> high key getting gaslighted by my tboy roommate
> badbadbadvadbad
> roommate starts distancing me from friends
> is jealous that ppl back home don’t like him as much
> is jealous that being a guy is harder to navigate socially

> he gets sa’d and it’s like partially my fault no details

>>42766358
> start taking opioids just to feel good so that I can convince myself I’m not living in a permanent hell
> it’s rlly bad and traumatizing
> I low key just shut down and can’t cope
> he starts crashing out on me all the time and told me it’s bcuz all he can rmmbr when he sees me is getting sa’d
> he starts hating me for being a girl
> starts like making rlly misogynistic comments
> we start drinking together every day
> me nd him are cool ish
> fully fully relapsed on everything except opioids
> drinking like two boxes of wine between the both of us every single day
> manic episode
> doing uppers again low key
> not rlly going out tho
> go home for a weekend and do molly
> ohshitohfuck why did i leave my town im literally not depressed anymore back down here and there’s more like art stuff we had it so good
> can’t break my lease tho lol
> bring up moving to friend
> roommate spazzes the fuck out on me and we start screaming at each other and he says he wouldn’t have moved w me if he knew I’d leave a year in
> no escape
> been agoraphobic for months but the outside is cold asf and I fear for my life most of the time on transit
> feels like outlast trying to go meet up with friends in a part of the city that isn’t literally fucking hell
> I pay my friend to get groceries bcuz he has a car obvs
> he kinda starts being needed ig
> codependency and enabling me
> low key aware of this but i was so depressed it didn’t matter
> I just need to ride this out till I get surgery and I’ll get cheapo rent and it’ll be cool and I can move to LA or smth
> hearing him scream crying thru the walls every day
> literally get stressed being near him
> daily breakdowns
> im like reliving my trauma from early transition first hand again
> hear him purging every night while i lay in bed
> hear him crying
> this is hell
> have to quit vaping for my surgery
> quit vaping and go thru a complete psychosis
> convinced im gonna shift into a hell realm

>>42766366
> kind of a sped so my brain can’t make new dopamine transporters and metabolizes them rlly fast so like quitting nicotine is something I’ll literally never recover from
> now my face spazzes and my arms move and twitch in public unless I take opioids and old ppl Parkinson’s medication
> literally can’t even fathom that this life isn’t eternal torture
> my roommate is also insane and is picking fights w me every single day
> literally crash out at each other daily
> have visions of hell daily
> full detachment from reality and spiritual torture
> using weed to get thru the withdrawals but it made it a lot lot worse
> completely lose it think I’m gonna fall thru into the gnome/fairy realm can’t like go near closets just completely lost my mind
> drugs don’t feel good anymore
> literally nothing feels good anymore
> every experience I have is worse than the last
> start building a gnostic religious bible on my hell visions I had from all the drugs u was doing that used to be fun
> I just have to hold out till my sex change

> ask my surgery clinic if I could move my surgery date back like hypothetically bcuz I didn’t know what my financial situation was gonna look like
> ok we went ahead and moved ur surgery date back
> WHAT
> they moved my surgery back six months without asking me
> decide to move
> start having. Bpd episodes in front of my roommate
> eventually he’s cool w me leaving
> has new friends thank god
> now im alone in a new city

Season of change <3

:))

>>42766308
You are both nuts and have bpd, honestly you two should get your life on track, I would not toss away such long friendshipg

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I'm not reading all that. Happy for you. Or sorry it happened.

wow your friend is completely fucking psycho. i’m happy that youre in your season of change, try to sober up too if you can. that’s all so brutal

too long didn't read

i think more girls should write like this. i liked that frat one a few week ago too. there’s ways for guys to be weird as friends that i could scarcely imagine

Did the “tboy” ever transition? Is there even real dysphoria?

hay hablao caleta cotorra qla!!

>>42766308
I’m going to be judgemental for a moment, you’re both burnouts and complete optics nukes.
But you still 100% deserve a life that isn’t full of all this drama and constant crises. I hope you at least consider using this opportunity for a fresh start to try and get yourself clean again. Wish you the best.

Vro you were going to be fucked up regardless if your friend was a man or a woman.