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>>42768387
Oh well, guess I killed a thread for nothin
Sorry tranners

hsts are just homophobic gay men!

>>42768387
For most people its:
Childhood Abuse (Sometimes sexual, can be from anyone including classmates)
Absent parent(s)
Bad father figure
Getting groomed by another tranny (Rarer for true HSTS and AGP, more common for trenders and detrans)
Low T levels can have a multiplying effect on all of this (low levels of both sex hormones does horrors to the human mind)
In more suppressive traditionalist societies where personal identity is less pronounced (like east asian cultures), built up stress can break people's minds and make them do insane shit and I personally know a few that transitioned after just undergoing a mental breakdown from decades of stress, despite not really having the other general factors.

I mean there's research that has been done with this and its on the DSM-5 for a good reason
There's also theories that say that it could be a birth defect or a defect during time in the womb
I'd say most of the research is probably a lot more evidence based than a schizoid 4chan post

>>42768597
>defect during time in the womb
The only thing that explains my AGP. I was not abused and I never had normal sexuality.

>>42768597
what is YOUR origin story

>>42768387
I first saw porn at the age of eight, and from that very moment, I empathized with the woman on the porn and felt that I wanted to become a woman myself. There are no other notable factors in my surrounding environment.

>>42768747
>want to have female role during sex
>not feminine mentally
>not female physically
This is the worst.

>>42768747
Isn't it normal to want to be the woman in porn? Or trans woman for the matter

Who wants to be drab, rude, gruff, hairy and manly? Women look better than men lmao
t. OP

>>42768766
It might just be that I have an exceptionally strong capacity for empathy. And isn’t empathy considered a feminine trait, if you really think about it?

>>42768986
It could be that, yeah. Or something else.

my villain backstory is that my parents neglected me and were very judgmental people and traditional in ways like not allowing me to be friends with girls outside of school or express femininity. i was sexually harassed and assaulted as a young boy in school many times and struggled to make friends with people that didn’t want to physically or emotionally abuse me. transitioning socially and medically has been the only thing i’ve done for myself in my whole life, before this i was in limbo prison that i made for myself by living passively

>>42769107
>transitioning socially and medically has been the only thing i’ve done for myself
Did it work for you

>>42768387
I just always wanted to be a girl. Since I was born my earliest memories are of wanting that. I was never abused, I have a trad loving family. I guess there is a lot of people who just got fucked in the head somehow at some point but I think I just have a genuine gender dysphoria.

>>42769119
in the sense that i live how i would like now, yes. i feel like a human being now. transitioning cured my autism in a way. i did go insane trying to repress

>>42769150
>transitioning cured my autism in a way
Explain

>>42768387
i was always a weird kid bc i remember wearing my mother’s and sister’s clothes alongside trying to kiss my cousin before moving onto a male classmate during second grade. we would always sneak away during breaks and whatnot to the point where i stole my sister’s clothes so that i could wear them underneath my regular clothes to school. unfortunately that never happened because my sister caught on after giving me a hug.
middle school was the worst because i had developed a crush on a boy that was 2 grades ahead of me, and eventually a crush on the new teacher that my class had received after the old one had to retire.
high school wasn’t as bad during the beginning because i was pretty sure i had an idea of what i was and who i was becoming. however, during the latter half of high school, i fell into the rightwing pipeline and began repressing hard until i graduated.
i’m still learning how to undo my rightwing beliefs and tendencies but it’s a bit difficult when you’ve spent so much time hating yourself for being different.
>t. tranny thing on hrt for nearly a year

>>42768387
>knew I was supposed to be a girl when I was 6
>allowed a cruel, heartless, and violent world to bully me into repression until I was 39, when the little voice inside me stopped crying "I want to die" and instead cried "save me"
utterly boring really, but that's how it goes. I'm late as fuck but at least I have solidly lucky genes for transition; a baby face, high hips, and other feminine qualities that lead me to suspect I have Klinefelter's Syndrome

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>>42768387
/pol/ user extending an olive branch no matter how fragile is always welcome
for me, when i was 13 i confided in my neighbourhood friend that i kinda was jealous of girls and how they looked and sounded and acted, and i didn’t understand the romantic attraction some people had towards them i guess? anyway he beat the shit out of me and ripped most of my clothes off saying shit like if you’re a girl show me then
i ran home crying and repped hard as fuck trying to get manlier so that never happened to me again, and that lasted until i was 21 when i told my then boyfriend that i wanted to transition since id learned it was possible
he then raped me to remind me “how good it is to be a guy” (reason for my irrational hatred of femboys and twinks now)
repped a little longer and finally transed at 23, i’m older now and ngmi but im at least happy manmoding

>>42769157
before i transitioned i was extremely antisocial, i didn’t make a single friend during my entire high school experience, i felt like i was pretending with everything i did so i wasn’t able to become close to people. now some years into my transition im still kind of a skiddish girl but i think my people pleasing has turned into a more kind hearted warmth. i have an easier time making friends with people now, although i struggle in some ways with friendships due to my many scars from past experiences

>>42768387
i grew up in a christian conservative family. i had fantasies of becoming a girl starting at like 5, and around 11-12 i started trying to turn myself gay because i didn't know what being a tranny was but i knew gay men were more feminine. as i hit puberty i got super dysphoric and depressed, and started talking to adult men on the internet to cope. a year or two later i learned what being trans was, and it was maybe another 6 months to a year after that when i finally concluded i was a tranny. i kept it a secret from my parents, but was forced to come out to them when they caught me talking to some friends about it online. they took it very poorly. i tried tirelessly from then on to convince them to let me start hrt, but it was a lost cause. i also kind of gave up on my academics because they told me they wouldn't help pay for college if i transitioned. got super duper depressed, had a ton of drama and run-ins with them. when i turned 18 i was able to start hrt (too little too late). i was able to keep it a secret for a while, but then i had this dinner with my mom, and we talked tranny shit, and i somehow convinced myself she'd turned a new leaf, so i told her. big mistake! she kicked me out, and i had a suicidal episode after touring the first place because she and my dad had left me utterly unequipped for adult life and now i was expected to be able to handle finding and living with other adults in an apartment. i went to the psych ward, but i think to my mother it was attention-seeking or something and she just gave me shit. eventually she found me a place and i moved in there, and stayed in a couple others she found since then. i lost my old job because i kept having breakdowns and walking out or just not going in at all, so now i work for her. i'm stable right now at least, but it's not a great situation. my hope is that i can get back on adhd meds (my parents took me off them as a kid because they made me a 'zombie') and get a real job again.

>>42768785
I want to be the men in porn.
t. Straight FTM

>>42768387
but the people here ARE irrational either way, their trans identity is excessively caused by trauma, mental disorders and the likes.

idk bro shit just happens it's not that serious
sometimes you're just different
"hurr durr if you were born a fousand years ago you wouldn't transition"
Yeah probably not but I was born in the 2000s so I will make my decisions based on that

>>42768785
>Isn't it normal to want to be the woman in porn?
If you're a tranny maybe. Normal dudes look at porn and think
>that girl is hot, i want to be inside her
Not
>that girl is hot i want to be her

>>42769389
I wish I could give you a hug <3

>>42768785
You're cooked
Fucking retard
Stop hanging around trannies

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>>42768387
I always hated being a man, performing masculinity, male culture etc. I desperately craved acceptance as a child but was to effeminate to receive any being my true self so i had to mask it with copes by trying to perform masculinity. Which ultimately felt wrong and made me feel empty. I began to realize that being perceived as a girl made me feel like an actual person, and that i really related to female friendships and femininity. This eventually lead to me hanging out with more queer people and doing a enby cope for a bit just to not be perceived as male. But this felt like a half measure. I am not androgynous and i am not masculine i am feminine and i want everything that that experience entails for better and ill. So now im a tranny.

I was very feminine my whole life and started hrt after castrating myself at 14 i could not stand it

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just speaking as a cis male mostly straight top who's not really even involved in this board much anymore or actual politics, the trans women I got to know are quite good people at heart and don't deserve the shit they get for being that way. Also people here appreciate good-humored and lighthearted trolling like any other board, maybe that's how you come off

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>>42769849
>>42769678
>>42769862
I often fantasize about being an hot tranny, so it is not limited to just cis women
Women bodies are the only normal bodies there are
Imagine having broad Dorito shoulders and an bricked physique, an overly angular face, an Adam's apple, along with tiny fucking nipples, ewwww who wants to be a man?
It is miles better to be a man with boobs, hips and soft skin than an oily, hairy man with none of the right parts

>>42770695
Buddy you're a fucking tranny
>Imagine having broad Dorito shoulders and an bricked physique, an overly angular face, an Adam's apple, along with tiny fucking nipples, ewwww who wants to be a man?
99% of males

>>42770717
You are lying, why else is forcefem so popular amongst married cis men then

>>42768747
Holy optics nuke

>>42768387
When I was 8 something kinda just clicked I always had female friends I could barely relate to men when growing up I always hated being around them and when I was like 8 years old and learned what trans was i was like yea thats me and its kinda been that way ever since

>>42770695
>Imagine having broad Dorito shoulders and an bricked physique, an overly angular face, an Adam's apple, along with tiny fucking nipples, ewwww who wants to be a man?
Yeah that's me. I'm basically a spartan from halo compared to a woman, and i like it.

Cope and troon

>>42768387
sometimes i wonder if i'm faketrans for never being sexually abused as a kid or something (cousin stuff DOES NOT COUNT)

i had a very early puberty and got to be the oldest son for my insane jamaican dad so i felt too forced into masculinity to ever vocalize wanting to be feminine or liking boys so i just repressed til it didn't work

unrepressed by 16 but i think i was basically post puberty by then anyway lol

>>42770822
Where did you learn what trans was at age 8?

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>>42768387
I was a pretty normal kid but once my parents, particularly my mom, realized I wasn't living up to traditional male standards it just became eternal torment. my parents took the stresses of their failing marriage and my special needs brother out on me. I feel into drugs and increasingly perverted habits as a way to cope with the stress and crippling dysphoria. as I got older everyone I was close with slowly drifted away as to not be involved in my little train wreck of a life. now I just take hrt and stay high 24/7 while drifting through university at some shitty tech school that I only chose because it was far away from home. I don't really know what I'm doing or were I'm going I just hope it ends soon.

>>42769321

This was my story but with the added Mnightshamafuck twist of finding out I was originally given a female birth certificate and name and later "corrected" and forced to live male because my shit came out completely fucked up and my mother was given a choice.

It destroyed our family and I felt wrong for 35 years.

I only found out because everyone died and I found all the paperwork and court documents going through my late mother's home.

I felt like a virgin incel failure for 35 years because I couldn't even masterbate without excruitating pain and I took T in my teens into my 20s trying to man up and get past it. I slept on the floor because I felt so bad about myself and my body for most of my adult life that I didn't feel like I deserved a real bed.

I was never able to hold a real job or get an interview and didn't know that the social security office and Lexus Nexis had me listed internally as female my entire life which probably caused the rednecks where I lived to discriminate against me.

I was never allowed to have friends growing up or to be listed in school phone book directories or attend sports or gym class and never knew why.

I spent many days sucking on a pistol barrel not having the guts to pull the trigger over this shit.

Now I troon and the troons don't want me or claim me in many cases. Doctors don't know how to treat me. Interact is a fucking dumpsterfire for resources and want to lump me in with nonbinary fucks I hate.

What once was liberating and freeing became an even darker hellscape once I received correction and tried to live as the woman I felt like I had always been.

I hate myself now almost twice as much as I did before, but I hate my peers more. If there's a God I'm going to spit in his face for this when I meet him and spend eternity in hell torturing my mother for giving me this miserable existence.

Nothing so interesting, I aquired a particular interest in gender and a desire for thinness or to be small since the start of my conscious experience. My first memories were not of the stereotypical, "I'm a girl, I want to be a girl ect" but just weird feelings around the differences in how men and women interacted with each other and being annoyed when peers had thinner arms than myself.

Of course those feelings took on a more trans nature upon entering school, I became hyperaware of how peers treated me and if it felt specific to me being a boy. The first playmate I had I quickly distanced myself from after the game we were playing I thought capitalized on me being larger than her and would not be something she would play with another girl. I continued this tread of making acquaintances with someone and then leaving once they said/did something that made too aware of my boyness or sex until High school.

Perhaps part of my trans identity came from not knowing boys were allowed to be together until rather late(13 or so) Which may have lead to me always imagining myself as the girl instead of just two boys if I had a crush on someone.

Lastly, I wonder if it was possible my creative frustration derived out of poor executive function(I had severe undiagnosed adhd) lead to me coveting the innate ability of females to create through childbearing. Hence the desire to have my own baby from an early age as well

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>>42768387
>early childhood would always wear clothes and make up of female family members
>got increasingly humiliated and shamed for it
>abused outside of gender contexts
>stop crossdressing at about 6-7, but always frustrated with gender differences and rules
>can't understand why i can't just be left to enjoy girly things by myself
>ended up mostly just playing viddy games and wanting to be left alone
>no more crossdressing, but always faggy and a bit effete
>knew i was attracted to men before i knew anything else about my sense of sexuality/gender
>at 13, me and another boy jack each other off in secret at a birthday party while the other boys are playing halo and cod
>half my friends were boys, half were girls, always felt uncomfortable but for different reasons in both circles
>boys would pick on me for being faggy
>girls were suspicious of my intentions
>date girls throughout highschool, but jack off mostly to gay porn
>come out as bi at about 16
>get forcefemmed in a non-sexual context by one highschool girlfriend, no sexual arousal but emotionally it felt amazing, immediately have a "ah fuck, i'm a tranner, aren't i" realisation
>spend 17-22 repping
>make out with guys while in relationships with girls - some of it was cheating, one time i was dating a cishet woman who encouraged it because she thought it was hot (she wasn't a fujo in the anime yaoi sense, she was very normie, i guess she thought it was hot in the same way straight guys find lesbians hot)
>come out at 22, hrt at 23

currently 29, bi, stopped boymoding about a year ago. i didn't know trans people personally even online till i was about 21, and didn't know any irl until about 6 months into hrt. because i didn't have much contact with the wider "trans culture" shite online, i have a bitter suspicion towards it, but i try to be laissez faire about it.
i've used 4chan since like 2014, but didn't touch /tttt/ till a couple of years ago.

out of curiosity, does this read as hsts or agp? cos idk

>>42769849
i don't care if she's hot i just care that it looks fun and i can imagine myself in that position

>>42774229

Sounds rather hsts in the mainstream stereotypical way at least.

>>42768387
I acted like a faggot when I was like 6 in school, acted like faggot at home bullied by brothers so stopped acting like faggot, would imagine myself growing up to look like certain female cartoon characters at age 6, would fantasize about growing up, and being a girl all the time, didn't think it was possible so I just thought these were fantasies, but swore some part of me was spiritually female. Always hated the average aesthetic of a man saw them as disgusting hairy balding apes, comedic. over years grew into that slowly but surely. met first tranny in college at age 19 first time I learned about trans people thought it was just intersex people the doc forced to go one way. fairly andro and twinky from ages 18-26, so content, always obsessively shaved and had long hair. One day go on roadtrip with friends, can't shave, see self in mirror with stubble wanna rope. Ask myself why the fuck does something as stupid as stubble make me wanna rope google search, gender dysphoria pops up, more shit I read starts clicking, realize I can troon. Try to speedrun into trooning on 27th birthday (within 4 months of learning about gender dysphoria) go to in person doc appointment for hormones have to tell two cute women younger than me I wish I was a woman most cringe experience of my life thankfully I had a facemask on because it was during covid. Experience so cringe I decided to rep told myself taking it slow is good since such a big life change. Wrote a list of pros. and cons. decided my life would be objectively better if I didn't troon. lose weight, start slamming spearmint tea (to lower T) in some gay mental test about how badly I want to troon keep up with that for 2 years, lose weight (motivated by thought of trooning) (1/?)

>>42774229
A bit of both, desu.
I trooned at 21, got srs at 27 and now at 34 I'm upset I didn't do it even earlier.
>date girls throughout highschool, but jack off mostly to gay porn
That hit hard, lol.
Though post op solo male porn hits even harder.
>didn't have much contact with the wider "trans culture" shite online, i have a bitter suspicion towards it, but i try to be laissez faire about it
Yep, that's me. Most of "trans culture" online is really really weird.

>>42774536
), become brave enough to share pics of myself on internet (femboy larp), get told I pass, get told I look androgynous, get told I look like a tranny. One layer of hesitation gone, I atleast have a good start. Realize I'm 29, somehow I'm blessed enough to still be twinky, it's now or never, get hormones, start trooning out.... I also left out that I put on my mom's clothes at age 13 out of boredom, didn't feel valid or anything then. Then I raided my gf's closet and would cross dress when she was away, actually tried with makeup and stuff, saw myself in mirror just felt right, felt happy, actually wanted to buy clothes for once, wanted to look that way more, and always. Also btw I didn't wear anything weird of someone elses, it was usually dresses and skirts. I started crossdressing and doing makeup a lot more in the 1 year build up to trooning. I don't really see myself as a woman btw, because I see everything male about me, and I know I missed female socialization/life/genitals, but I will atleast try to nudge myself in that direction out of preference.

>>42768387
>MEF stares
I am unironically mef.
I trooned for the fetish. No regrets. Trannies say i'm "fake" (oh no, anyway) and poltards are still stuck in old memes and stories about srs.
7yrs post op and still no regrets. If I ever end up regretting, I will still have lived (at least) a decade exactly how I wanted to. I LARP as a professional woman in day to day life and in the evening I get the boy fucked out of me.
I have no other mental disorders so living stealth as a woman isn't hard, especially since I had (and still have) amazing cisf friends who taught me how to woman properly.

>>42774547
and if for some reason you care about my sexuality I had crushes on both men and women throughout my life, but I grew up in such a conservative place the the thought of dating a boy or being romantic towards one wasn't even imaginable. I grew up in a really small backwards place, I mean it was to the point all the women grew up thinking they would be having kids, and if you were dating, and it went well it was a given you'd get married and have kids.

>>42774229
ngl man if you were cranking it to gay porn I'd reckon you were a hsts dating foids just because it was the norm.

>>42774547
>I don't really see myself as a woman btw, because I see everything male about me, and I know I missed female socialization/life/genitals, but I will atleast try to nudge myself in that direction out of preference
Based and healthy.

>>42774539
>34
most of the other girls i know irl are younger than me (youngest is 21) and it feels odd. i know one who is about 38, we're not close but we get along very well when we do catch up. i just want older friends in general, but especially other trans women because i'm very tired of whatever the generic "trans culture" shite is in chic in any given moment.
>That hit hard
>Though post op solo male porn hits even harder
forgive autism, but what do you mean?
>most of "trans culture online is really really weird"
yeah, it feels increasingly bizarre to me the further i get from it. i dabbled in bits and pieces of it after i came out, and went out to local trans events and shit, but the always increasing insularity, specificity of the subculture, and general weirdness pushed me away. at first i liked being in "transfem spaces" because it's nice to be among your own kind so to speak, but i stopped going after a while because it all felt so strange and i didn't relate to it

>>42774609
>forgive autism, but what do you mean?
I enjoy solo male pornography more after I had srs.
Idk why but certain tastes did change a bit after my srussy became functional. And overall I enjoy masturbation more.

>>42774635
>>42774635
ahhh i see. that's interesting, i could never really get off to solo stuff of either gender, and still can't, but other tastes have definitely changed.

i'm curious about srs but not fully committed to it. the more time passes the more i think about it, but i'm pretty agnostic about my dick over all. for me it's less "i can't stand to live like this" and more "i don't want to grow old like this". the thought of being an old (50+) with a dick induces anxiety, but right now i don't care much at all.
did you always want srs, or did it grow on you over time like it seems to be doing with me?
maybe i just leave it till i'm 45 or some shite

>>42774668
>but other tastes have definitely changed
I also enjoy straight porn a lot more now. And tranny porn a lot less.
>did you always want srs, or did it grow on you over time like it seems to be doing with me?
Considered it from the start (I was 16 or so), realized the tech wasn't there yet and forgot about it.
Then slowly grew on me over the years. Wanted again at 23 but chickened out and got orchi instead. Two years later I discovered that the tech had improved and the odds were far better than in the past so I got myself on the waiting list.
It helped that I had a stable partner who supported me emotionally.
All things considered, it was a good idea. It's easier to endure the recovery while young(er) than old(er).
>maybe i just leave it till i'm 45 or some shite
There are trannies who get it at 60 so it's certainly possible. But ig I also wanted to be young enough to get to use it as well.
Also the logistics is easier. No more tucking, easier to travel to countries not particularly fond of trannies and no more prep when going horny with my guy is really a plus.

Earliest memory:
> playing house at recess in kindergarten
> say I want to play the role of mom
> "you can't do that you're a boy"
> stop interacting with classmates and read books

Other indicators:
> self inserting as Disney princesses
> self inserting as game/anime female characters
> praying to wake up as a girl
> trying to sell my soul in exchange for womanhood
> Dad telling me gays are evil because they like men and dress as women and scaring me

I don't really have any traumatic backstory. I lived an easy life other than dysphoria and high expectations from my parents.

>>42774717
>got orchi instead
i've considered this a lot more than full srs - but mostly as a hormones/convenience thing, not really dysphoria per se. it feels like it would be odd to me to have a cock and no balls, but i guess that's just like... body image inertia?
what was living post orchi/pre srs like?
>easier to endure the recovery while younger
yeah true. i wonder what the gradient for that is like, like as you say, getting it at 60 i imagine would be pretty insane to endure, but where's the real point where it starts to really amp up - ie, i'd imagine that the difference between 35 and 40 isn't that much, but the difference between 50 and 55 would be huge.
>logistics
travelling is honestly a huge factor for me. i'd like to immigrate or at least do a lot more travelling, and the fact that i could just get detained at a border because unexpected item in bagging area is mortifying to me. i boymoded through the chinese airports last time i travelled and was still getting funny looks from everyone checking my passport and shit
i don't really like bottoming and topping i'm agnostic about so that hasn't factored into it too much for me, but we'll see. i don't really tuck but i'm a grower not a shower so usually just 2 pairs of panties is enough for me to comfortably mask it, and i don't really like tight fitting clothes for unrelated sensory reasons anyway.

sorry if this is all tmi or boring, i'm just curious

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>>42768785
>Isn't it normal to want to be the woman in porn?

>>42774761
>what was living post orchi/pre srs like?
No more AAs and no longer having to inject such a high dose of E.
Fewer random erections.
>odd to me to have a cock and no balls, but i guess that's just like... body image inertia?
Aesthetically there isn't much difference especially since your balls shrink from years on E.
>i'd imagine that the difference between 35 and 40 isn't that much, but the difference between 50 and 55 would be huge.
Genetics and one's overall health play a huge role. There's 60 year olds who are sturdy as a tank and there's 25yo who are deeply fragile.
>travelling
It's not just the bags. In some places you can be detained for identity fraud. It happened even to youngshits giga passoids. SRS solved that issue for me.
>i don't really like bottoming and topping i'm agnostic about so that hasn't factored into it too much for me
Fair enough. Sexual activity was a factor for me. I would've never trooned if it were not possible to remain sexually active. I don't get the whole "aroace" copes that are common here. I wanted to be an adult woman not some weirdo nobody is interested in, lol.

>>42774809
>aesthetics
yeah true, i guess i forgot that. don't really have a before/after for my balls to compare lol. i also wonder about the actual physical sensation but at that point i'm just speculating. overall they do just tend to "get in the way" so i think orchi is probably something i'll look into.
>identity fraud
i hadn't even thought of that, feck. i wonder if it goes both ways - like if i don't get my legal sex changed, but have tits, would they still cop me for id fraud? much to think about
>sexual activity
i'm definitely not aroace, i'm just more of a side as opposed to top or bottom - i'm happy to do cooperate with what my partner needs, but my own needs are more in the "do this thing while i get myself off". i guess in that sense, nothing gained or lost either way. maybe i might like bottoming if it wasn't my ass lol.
i agree though, i think for a lot of people aroace is a massive cope, and also some of the people claiming that are just saying words recreationally. i know someone peripherally in wider social circle who said "i'm aroace, have 4 girlfriends, and i love having sex with them" and i kinda just sat in stunned silence. glad she seems to be living her best life, but also what are we even doing here anymore, we're just saying shit now, come on

>>42773908
>the troons don't want me or claim me in many cases.
I'll claim you
I'm sorry for the pain you went through sister *hugs*

>>42768387
I lived as a normal cis boy for most of my life. The earliest inkling of my transness resulted in me being a misogynist. That was in kindergarten, though, and the "being hostile" phase quickly was replaced with silent judgement. I used to "rituals" involving pretending the cap of men's deodorant was some sort of cleansener. Supposedly "disinfecting" me from a dark passenger in my head.

Fast forward twenty years living life as a normie, these thoughts decided to roar up this time. Days and nights spent running from the pink void was futile; I always ended up back there. Soon it became a choice; accept myself and potentially risk being more of a outcast than I already was (and so be destined to die in a ditch), or kms, retaining my "honor". I genuinely believed everyone I knew would be happy about my death because I would have sacrificed myself from an "evil". I was the "till the end, bitter or otherwise" type, and so decided to accept myself instead. The emotions I felt that night would be comparable to the waters held back by the Hoover dam breaking free. Crushing and peeling off the decades of repressed emotions. I have never felt emotions this REAL.

Nearly two years on, I still remain untransitioned. Nobody knows that I have experienced such a thing, or that I don't consider myself a man anymore. A part of my brain always goes "I want babies" 24/7, and yet I grieve my nonexistent prospect of being a loving wife to a husband with children of my own. I have an imprint of what my genitals feel like, and the feeling of the orifice sealed shut and my genitals disfigured makes me sick to the core. It hurts being like this. It hurts having nobody to turn to for support, though not as much as lying to myself. I don't think I'd be here if I had a gun.

To me, the idea of transition is a way to rehabilitate myself. I just want to do the stuff I like without being haunted by the massive weight of a life unfullfilled.

>>42768785
yep, its over

>>42769550
>i think my people pleasing has turned into a more kind hearted warmth
hate to make this all about moi but those are the same thing