i am a pretty active poster on here. not enough to be known but enough that when ive talked to people they say that theyve seen me around. nearly 100% of my posts on this board have been of me constantly begging for attention from anyone who will give it to me to feel some sort of love. its obviously led me to be used for quite a bit and i feel horrible and guilty about it but its the only thing i can doi know trauma dumping long threads are not what gets traction on here but ive felt like this my entire life and i have no one whos ever really been able to give me advice.ever since i was little i have been bullied quite a lot. pretty standard for trannies but for a long time i was beaten up and told that i was ugly etc by all the kids in my neighborhood since i was a year younger and much smaller. at home my parents also never showed me much love, and it always felt like they just made me cause i had to. as i grew up, more and more people did this over my life, and i was always taught to never fight back. my entire life my closest friends no matter who they are always fall into a cycle where they stop respecting me and find that it is more fun for them to use me to get what they want. typically ive found its just to poke fun at me in whatever way they like, and since i never fight back its a very easy fight. eventually ive just learnt that that is my place in the world and it is insanely dehumanizing. and because of a thousand reasons just like that i have always felt incredibly below everyoneas ive grown up, and even as a kid ive always deeply deeply craved someone to pierce through using me and actually love me. ive always always craved a relationship but more and more as i see everyone else succeed in getting one and i fail it makes me feel even more subhuman and unlovable. it feels like nothing will ever give because nothing has ever given and ill be like this forever even if i logically know i wontdoes anyone have advice with this?
Keep trying. Put yourself out there. Most humans are evil but not all are. Some are good. And one good one will love you. But you have to find them, they won't come to you
Also, I'm sorry that your life has been this way. You are very strong for continuing on in the face of so much negativity. You can do this. You can find the one
it’s so overdone and cliché, but you really do have to be able to love yourself. it makes me really sad how many of us are this miserable. desu i feel guilty in a way that the main thing that was making me depressed was repping because i wish it was that straightforward for everyone. i highly recommend trying DBT style therapy if you haven’t. I have found it majorly helpful. I also strongly advise you to cut people who make you feel worse out of your life before they are too rooted for that to be simple.
Date and get friends but bail on them the moment they start showing signs of things you don't like
>>42781608see this is the standard advice i get anytime i bring this up but i just find it like... very very meaningless.i think i am being a child who has a stupid notion of how romance works but i have been trying to work on myself and put myself out there for years. all the people that i know that are in relationships havent had to go around to every nook and cranny in their area to beg for someone to find and love them, all of the people i know have been desired by somebody else and that other person has stayed with them. i know life isnt fair but again it feels so dehumanizing to see everyone else just be able to get these relationships without constantly begging the universe to send them something. last time a guy showed interest in me i cried for hours and begged the world to not make this one a lesson. eventually you put so much effort in and still see that other people are able to do what you want without that effort and it makes you feel like something is fundamentally wrong with you and that you are just born below them
>>42781546I feel exactly the same way and had very similar experiences all throughout my life. I don't think I have any good advice. Every time I meet someone and get close to them they just end up using me. I think the best bet is to find similar people that are emotionally mature enough to be aware of how their trauma affects them and can handle being friends with someone without it turning into a mess. And maybe then from that something more can eventually develop.
>>42781627i also get the "love yourself" advice so much but i find that also incredibly annoying. ever since i was born i hated myself even if i couldnt describe it and ive been taught over and over by people in my life that i shouldnt try to like myself. ive transitioned recently and ive been trying for years to get better. i have rejected people and stopped myself from things just to focus on myself and feel better yet for some reason it is never ever ever good enough. it feels like god doesnt expect so much of an insane character arc from everyone else and that people dont need to climb a mental health mountain just to meet someone who will stay with them, but that for some reason god expects that of me. again it makes you feel subhuman because you simply have to try so hard and it never pays off while i watch everyone else succeed with half of it. does god really expect every fuckboy with a snapchat roster to be a beacon of self love ? no, so why do they get to have it and i get to sleep on my plushie that ive been pretending is someone else since i was 7.>>42781656i have plenty of friends and nothing more. i also cannot cut off the people that wrong me in a small way because genuinely those friends are all that i have and if using me to feel a little better is what gets them to stick around so be it its my purpose to this world it feels like
>>42781715>i also cannot cut off the people that wrong me in a small way because genuinely those friends are all that i have and if using me to feel a little better is what gets them to stick around so be it its my purpose to this world it feels likeSunk cost fallacy
>>42781715God isn't real also the rules are different depending on the standards you set. It's easier for fuckboys becaude they arent looking for some real connection that can last and survive with all their issues but it sounds like that's what you want.
>>42781764no its over attachment which is another reason that i cannot get a relationship.however its not like ive never left these relationships. in fact kind of the only thing that i have ever done once i realize that the people that are doing it dont actually love me and are just using me to feel good about themselves is to never confront it and just run away. the people that do it nowadays are friends ive known since kindergarten and its a little different when they do it because i know that theydo truly care about my well being even if they are doing the same kind of poking fun that the people that didnt care did
>>42781546post some nudes
>>42781811i cant even get the cheap shitty stuff because simply i am a weird manmoder tranny. even as a man i was very ugly and undesirablei dont think i could even get raped on the streets. the most ive ever been desired is sending nudes to men from hornygen purely for the attention and getting no actual pleasure out of it
>>42781829post those nudes here
>>42781715but you almost never find healthy relationships when you are still miserable, that’s just how it works. it is a hard truth but you have to accept it and focus on healing and self improvement.
>>42781816I don't understand, you say you get overly attached then say you just up and left when you realize they are asses
>>42781853okay but when is it enough ? i have made great strides in loving myself honestly. im only 5 months on e but i feel much better and besides that ive also gone to therapy and ive tried to work on myself like that too (and ive been trying to do so for years). when does it give ? i know comparison is the worst thing you can do but some of my best friends are even worse than i am and theyve had years long commited relationships fall into their laps pretty much. why am i expected to push mountains in my mind and cope with a full life of trauma and scrape little pieces of myself into something while they can have someone to love them through sickness and through health ?it really again just makes you feel like there is some inherent difference between you and them since birth and it makes you feel lowly and unlovable>>42781920sorry i should explain a little better. in most friend groups ive been in, namely the one that i mentioned in my original post ive let myself go through it all until i can make an escape. the kids in my neighborhood were the only friends or attention i had so it was between spending my childhood alone in my room hearing my parents fighting or being outside and getting beat up. eventually in quarantine i finally had a chance to never really see them again, and since i still live in the same neighbourhood i try to avoid themive had this same strategy for every other group too, like in highschool when the same thing happened across pretty much my entire grade and i moved schools and stuff. the reason i am so attached to the people i have now is because ive known them since forever and they actually do care about me, its not the same as the other groups that only care about using me.
>>42781964nudes status?
>>42781979um sorry anon i really dont mean to be a let down or bummer but i truly dont feel like posting myself. i know thats not exactly the greatest reason to give you but yeah im sorry
>>42781546I don't know if this have any value for you but I truly care about you. You were beaten, downtrodden and neglected instead of nurtured and I truly wish I could comfort you somehow.I know you internalized that you should passively let anyone do anything to you but you need to at least learn how to create boundaries somehow. You have value, as a soul
>>42782244eh yeah i know all this on paper but its kinda impossible in practice. especially nowadays people love me most when i let them use me and it scratches the itch in my brain to let themalso my childhood was kinda shit but if i was in a childhood competition with all the other trannies in this board my life would be peaches and cream. trust me its not all that bad i was okay a lot of the timelisten i know all of this will get better with time but im so sick and tired of "time". i dont want to keep endlessly waiting and honestly the harder part is knowing what to do in the meantime which i end up letting people use me to fill the hole
>>42782257I can't force you to set boundaries. I can only tell you they don't love you, otherwise they won't merely use and discharge you. You need real people in your life who truly care about you.Have you tried therapy?
>>42782287>I can only tell you they don't love youtrust me i am overblowing how much these friends use me. they are so wonderful and they would jump in front of bullets for me i can count on that. however since ive kind of always been in the practice of being the punching bag i find that i always subconciously make myself one to fit in to the conversation more. i am not a blameless victim here i do this to myself a lothowever i do find boundaries incredibly incredibly hard. im working on it.>Have you tried therapy?i have obviously. on and off with different therapists but like its never reallly realllly helped ? honestly im tired of bullshit mindfulness what i want is meds for my issues lmao
>>42782308>trust me i am overblowing how much these friends use me. they are so wonderful and they would jump in front of bullets for me i can count on that.Strange, how do they use you?I also did therapy, first when I was a teen then for more 1 year as an adult and just after said year I found that it worked somehow.
>>42782326>how do they use you?well what ive found is that everyone that wants to "use" me has different interests. mostly however ive found that people just find it really fun to bully or make fun of me. i am pretty autistic and not very good at actually making jokes and stuff so instead of laughing along at the stupid stuff i say most people just laugh at me whenever i say something and they find a lot of fun in that. not only that but since ive been doing this for so long i notice that i meaningfully find myself trying to make jokes to let others laugh at me because i dont know how else to do it and also it makes me feel like to provide some value to these people. on top of that i give really good reactions because ive learnt that thats what these people want most of all and ive kinda just become subconciously good at giving that. see doing this stuff over and over really makes you lose respect for yourself also my friends arent completely like this. once again, they do this to a milder degree and the difference is that they care. if i told them to stop they would because they actually care for me the other people who did this only wanted to use me
>>42782390>i am pretty autisticAre you diagnosed? I am autistic also lol.You can simply tell them to cut that off either in a serious or joking way. You don't need to cut your current relationships.
>>42782442not diagnosed lol and probably not autistic i dont wanna self diagnose that shit is cringe and lame but yeah like most trannies are pretty autistic or atleast not well socially adjusted>You can simply tell them to cut that off i dont think i can. if i was truly serious about it they would stop absolutely but i am really bad at putting boundaries like that and saying no and stuff plus its the only way i can get their attention and letting people use me is honestly kind of fulfilling. after feeling so subhuman for so long the only way ive found to cope is just by accepting it and just submitting to whatever people want from me. it fulfills me and it means i dont need to try and fight back which i cant do
