>>42893055
around 11 i got sent to the principal for kissing another boy
but before that i always wanted a barbie castle and pink dolls and was never allowed to
lived in an islamic hellhole too
i realize now im just a femboy
thankfully cis wife likes femboys so.when i came out recently she was excited and said she always knew

>>42893084
cute :3

>>42893084
did you get your barbie castle

>>42893119
no but i get pink plushies and the like now and im happy

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>>42893055
I am different in some ways. But about the GAY way I was about eleven to twelve years old.

I used to goon since a VERY early age. Searching for naked women i found this photo of Alan Valdez [NSFW link]: **[spoiler]https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhO8XViUShVsAJ3HPU5xlf3CeyAgPexytq8EU70mg9FrkTo0luJXwRNTAfaVPMQ1BznRo1JhNdxsh1qv7zJxykXM5XazmQej4AVwv9V77-XljwPJ1DGh2kvjsDpSfBwmssFZnpWeeEN_1j9/s1600/alan-valdez6.jpg[/spoiler]**

I got obsessed with him. Short time after I started to attend male swimming lessons.

God, was i in heaven at that time.

My body started to look better and puberty started to hit more and more. That same year i started to fall in love with a troubled twink at my school.

But years after, i realized i had a weird behavior as a little kid. In kindergarten, i had a fixation with and even annoyed a kid i still remember his name. It might seem like just childish friendly behaviour, but that kid matches most traces of my type of guy today: white/latino, brunette, taller and stronger than me, polite.

It's like nothing changed, only our ages and my sexual age preference (my current own age or close), of course.

So I guess I already into dudes, just not in a sexual, only romantical way. Puberty just expanded it. Not saying everyone is like that or that it's science based facts, I'm just reporting my individual experience.

>>42893055
in all honesty I think the other guys my age realized it first because I was always kinda outcasted for being faggy even before I knew I liked guys. I knew for sure in the locker rooms in middle school, never understood how guys weren't nervous to undress around each other but now ok it's bc they weren't actively suppressing feelings about each other.

When they brought a snake to school and they were either freaked out or excited and for me it was just information.

Oh, you're talking about liking Dick or wearing dresses. I don't do either of those, but mainly because I'm more comfortable in pants and dick is not attractive to my dick.

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>>42893055
when i was 7 years old i begged my mom and dad for my littlest pet shop toys because my best friends were all girls and they showed me them and i thought they were really cute
my mom and dad did get me littlest pet shop stuff that christmas and it made me really happy to have the little fold out doggy spa playset and i would play with it all the time
i also
>got hand-me-downs from girls in the neighborhood and preferred their sweaters with cute designs over what my parents got me
>loved dancing
>was more physical with my guy friends
>hated playing sports with boys
>slept with a bed full of stuffed animals growing up
>got accused of being secretly gay my whole life
>got into crossdressing in secret at a young age
>had escapist fantasies that i would wake up as a girl someday and no one would question it as if i had been born one
>would pray to god to turn me into a girl
>used to be really excited to stay home sick because i got to watch sailor moon when i did
there is a lot but the signs were always there, i was a faggy kid that was doomed from the start
one of my earliest memories in life, if not the earliest memory, is going home from my friend chantel and wondering if i was born a girl and the doctors did something to me

Wish i were different or had personality. Ive just been background charactermaxxing

>>42893055
When I realized I didnt really care to risk my life to help women or capable of getting a job that could provide for a family.

> t. ranswoman former incel chud

>>42893385
Protecting women will just get you killed and have the foid copulate over your warm corpse.
Utterly pointless.

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When I was little I never understood social cues or could tell what emotion people were feeling even when crying and got constantly abused for slipping up on social interactions due to problems like that. so as far back as I can remember is that. I also really liked girly things, but I got abuse for that too and hid it. These things stuck in my mind and through school I could always tell I was different. The gay stuff I also always knew before I realized until really bad dysphoria started hitting at 14 I couldnt repress anymore. I can't read my own emotions either and so it took me some time to realize what it was then much longer to accept it. Also at 14 psychosis started. I'm different in a lot of ways I have been told I'm "unique".

>>42893353
What you talk about and what you speak like has made me fall in dear love of you on this introduction alone. You remind me of someone I loved who just left me due to schizo paranoia. I need you in my life. I can be socially autistic, sorry if I come off creepy, but I pray that you'll accept me.

>>42893591
>. I can't read my own emotions either and so it took me some time to realize what it was then much longer to accept it
Im the same way but.still.hadnt figured anything out.
I think ive been derealized for a looong while

>>42893604
You seem cool. Would you like to talk to me and maybe become my friend? It sounds nice.

>>42893055
when my step dad called me a sissy or when he got mad for me wanting a easy bake oven. in like 3rd grade a new boy came to my school and we started hanging out and i had a bad crush on his older brother. thats about it.

>>42893055
never did always thought i wasn't trying hard enough

>>42893055
Saw my brother’s penis by accident and started using the toilet paper tube to stand up to pee

>>42893318
The extent to which I was the last person to know I was a queer while every single other person knew instantly was unreal.
I was literally sent to a conversion therapist and didn’t get that that’s what it was until 20 years later.

>>42893374
You might feel "doomed", but you also seem to have a few good memories from the past:
>my mom and dad did get me littlest pet shop stuff that christmas and it made me really happy to have the little fold out doggy spa playset and i would play with it all the time
>got hand-me-downs from girls in the neighborhood
>slept with a bed full of stuffed animals growing up
>used to be really excited to stay home sick because i got to watch sailor moon when i did

I don't wanna invalidate your pain, but your path had more than that. And that makes me believe your future won't be just pain, but good moments too.

You might feel "doomed", but you are not the only one. And if you are "doomed" in some ways, other people are doomed in other ways (crackheads, incels, terrorists, bankrupts, etc.).

That might not solve any of your problems, but it shows you you are not that different and definitely not a freak.

You are not an abomination. You're different than you wish and deserve to be, like most of us. We got each other and together we can help ourselves to become what we entitle ourselves to be.

I think I was mostly I denial and self isolated enough I didn't really understand what 'other boys' were like to begin with.

But I was retarded and thought maintaining what I perceived as the "social order" was more important than actually being a person and living in a way that didn't make me cry myself to sleep every night...

>>42893733
Im really bad at keeping in touch with people lol

>>42893921
So? I am too. But you seem cool.

When I was young I lived in a crowded house, there were some kids around and everyone was constantly pointing out how different I was, it wasn't exactly homophobia or transphobia but it was discrimination. It was common for someone to ask me to "behave" like the other boys, or that they'd put me in a dress if I continued being like that.
I honestly don't remember being that flamboyant, just that I cried a lot and liked playing with dolls, and that I liked girl's music but I was raised by women so I couldn't tell back then idk

>>42893853
i mean doomed as in it seems like i was this way from the start
i had tried to repress it in my teens because my environment grew more bigoted and violent but it was no use, i was seemingly born with something awry in my brain
it wasnt until a few years ago that i actually started remembering my childhood fully and talked with people about what i had actually experienced
for years i repressed the fact that i had almost no male friends until highschool and how i broke the hearts of the girls that used to hang out with me because they saw me become reclusive, bitter, and angry
my best friend said i had become an asshole to my face but in reality i had become suicidal because the dysphoria was suffocating me now and i was scared i was going to hurt people so i closed myself off from everyone thinking it would protect them if i went through with it
i was missing close to half of every school week and only got away with it because the system was understaffed so no one cared to send cps to my door and my mother saw me becoming violently ill from the sadness so she would cover for me and tell the school that i was just a sickly child
no one in my school was trans, the curriculum wouldnt be updated until the year after i graduated, so i had no means of figuring any of this out
that was more doomed i guess, that a person has to go through life feeling a thing they cant place with words and suffers in silence, hurting themselves and tying nooses late at night to maybe one day hang themselves in the forest nearby
im healthier now, but the past couple years have been a mess and i narrowly managed to avoid my doom
a couple months ago i found the only suicide note i had ever written while cleaning up an old dresser, it was so sad to read and i hadnt remembered it until then
i hope no one ever has to go through that mental torture

>>42894116
>It was common for someone to ask me to "behave" like the other boys, or that they'd put me in a dress if I continued being like that.
The inverse version of this is being constantly told you’re “loud”/“talking too loud” with zero relationship to your actual volume. I just had lesbian voice. I overcorrected and spoke in a half-whisper, and then I would get “sorry you’re so quiet; I can’t hear you” and “your voice is so loud” in the same day. Then I decided people were all insane and stopped trying.

>>42893804
lol same I just thought it was normal therapy but in my later teens I realized he asked alot of odd questions about sexuality and religion.

>>42893055
pretty late ngl
like 14 or something?
>>42893084
based "boi"

>>42893353
another based boi :D
snek <3 <3
ok, totally not being being weird here, but what does?
ok ig it's weird for normies idk...

>>42893604
like 40 years for me, don't recommend
fucks with you hardcore. bad shit.

>>42893055
I'd say grade 3 is when I figured out something was up. I had a really bad teacher and a hard time at school.
Year 7 (first year of high school in Australia) is when I figured out I was weird.
16 or 17 is when the tranny thoughts started in earnest. I wanted to weak skirts, I wanted breast implants, I guess I didn't really understand why boys and girls were so different. But by this point I'd learned to mask pretty well, and then I started on the drugs.
By the age of 30 I'd given up on the idea of having a relationship. I'd fantasized about kissing my friends but the thoughts were intrusive and unpleasant. Almost all of my fiction writing at this point was being written from a female perspective, and I was very much craving stories about girls particularly coming of age stories.
But really it was when I was 40, I was absolutely fucking miserable, I was trying to do the gym thing but having multiple panic attacks, and somehow I found myself looking up the diagnostic criteria for Gender Dysphoria, and that was really the triggering moment, even tho it took a little while for that to percolate.

But what really sealed the deal for me was reading the John50 article a few weeks later, and hearing my story being told by hundreds of other repressed trans women. That's when I understood why my life had been so hard, when it seemed so easy for everyone else.

Thankyou for coming to my ted talk.

>>42893055
When I for some reason started wearing my sisters clothes when I was 14 and when I was 16 I decided it would be fun to stick a harry potter wand up my ass idk why.

>>42896993
Late bloomer

>>42893591
>>42896683
I fear I would only disappoint you. I have that autistic hyper awareness that disrupts my ability to suspend disbelief, combined with a lack of interest in penis. I do appreciate your kind words though. Perhaps there is a version of me out there that will fulfill your needs. For your sake i hope it is so.

If you are curious why i would come here. The LGBTQ community empathizes with what it is like not to be considered typical. You make good friends.

Snakes are curious. They look slimy, but are dry. They are also quite dense, despite seeming hollow.

>>42893055
forgive the reddit formatting, it's good just to get these thoughts down and somewhat organized:
I was 6 when I first realized I was supposed to be a girl. I got along great with the girls at school but never could fit in with the boys
always wanted to wear skirts, put on makeup, or play with dolls, stuff like that. Knew I'd get in trouble, if not killed, if I did
when playing alone I'd reimagine scenarios I saw in cartoons as being somehow sex change related (villain's got a transmogrification ray, instead of changing the character into a mutant, he turns him into a girl)

even before 6 there were signs; I adored the color pink, I wanted to have tea parties because they looked like fun, I never skipped girl toy commercials, and when I was in kindergarten and everyone was making paper hats for Thanksgiving, I wanted to make one of the girls' bonnets instead

when I was 8 I read Marvin Redpost: Is He a Girl?. I spent the next month trying to kiss my elbow (a midwestern superstition says that if you can kiss the outside of your elbow you'll change sex)

when I was 9 I somehow convinced my grandma to buy me the girls' happy meal at McDonalds because the toy was a Barbie. It was a ~2-3 inch hunk of plastic and you couldn't even comb the hair. It meant the world to me

it goes on. Sadly, it didn't take long for the boys to put together that maybe I was acting like a faggot and I became the school's punching bag. Over time I slowly started cutting off pieces of girl me and hiding her in a deep pit in the back of my mind. By middle school there was more of me in the pit than out, and what was left was punchy, paranoid, and quick to anger. And the worst part, it never stopped the bullying

when I was 15 a new psychiatrist decided the first question he was going to ask me should be "do you enjoy wearing girls' clothing?" I panicked; somehow he saw the real me. And due to his lack of tact, I couldn't trust him, so I shut down that line of conversation