I started hrt on a whim because I thought I might like the changes, and while I was right about that, I completely underestimated their impact. It's quite nice to have softer skin and boobs, but I can't help but keep freaking out over them, cause I can't get over the feeling that I'm not only not supposed to have them, but also because I'm not deserving of them. I've been on hrt for almost 6 months now, and I can't help but feel like it will only get worse from here on out. Not that being a man is better, but at least I don't have to try anything then. It allows me to just exist, while estrogen forces me to actively live, and I feel fundamentally unfit for it.
You have to give yourself the chance the live, you're going to die sooner than you think but make your life long and worthwhile. Put in the long-term work now just on the backburner so you can be happy when you are able to in the future, no matter how far away that is. If you go off it you will regret it or kill yourself.
>>43037594I actually did stop hrt in the past, and I know it's not any better to go back to testosterone, but it was much more peaceful, as I knew that I could just coast by. Everything was handed to me on a silver platter as a man, so I barely had to ever try in order to succeed. That definitely won't be the case if I transition, although I also was unable to care for anything as a man. I just feel like I completely lack any internal drive for anything, so it would be pointless to complicate my life with anything that may or may not improve it.I don't know. I just feel like I neither deserve nor should ever try, as my existence feels intrinsically loathsome
>>43037630I didn't do anything for the first years I was on estrogen no body is forcing anything. Let it naturally come to you if you aren't ready to do anything major, it will change gradually and thats ok. It seems like most of the change you are worried about is mental, just forget about it and live in peace in solitude with your transition, its just for you and with you,
>>43037646It's pretty difficult to not feel an immense pressure to have to change oneself while on hrt. For example, I now feel much more anxious while out in public or while using my male voice cause I feel like I already look too much like a tranny and that people can clock me.>its just for you and with youAh, yes, my greates enemy. I hate that guy
>>43037783I don't have a passing voice and it comes up maybe once ever 3 months you just get used to it and its not a big deal. The people you are close to know your situation and will see you as such and the people who don't don't and they don't matter
>>43037834It's hard for me to not feel extremely guilty for using my untrained voice while on hrt. It makes me feel like I'm lying. I think you're right that it's not actually a big deal at all, but that doesn't stop me from being neurotic
>>43037963That's really normal but you'll get used to it I'm sure. I honestly maybe got too used to it and don't really notice anymore even tho I probably would like to train and wish I started earlier. It really is not that big of deal you'll be fine
>>43037977Thanks for the encouragement.Unfortunately I still feel like I have no other choice but to detransition, or more accurately that it's imperative in my case specifically. I hope I'll find a way to sort out my feelings
>>43037575Yeah, you have to detransition. This is not for you
>>43037575If you have any doubts at all, especially the "I'm not supposed to have these changes to my body" you should stop HRT. You can always start again later.
>>43037575I kinda feel this too, but then I asked myself these questions:>why am I not allowed to have a woman like body?>if i am not deserving of a female body, why do female killers, abusers and pedos get a womans body?>if they get to live as a woman even if they dont deserve it, then why can't i?
>>43037594Where are anecdotes or ppl to talk to about this regret I am sleeping as much as I can I have no motivation... I lost my old face to a bigger one because I quit HRT and I won't live it down atleast not yet.. I've been processing it for a few years but I decided to feed my bdd and learn more precisely how it changed and I hate how drastically it changed I could intrinsically tell I had a different face and kept feeling shame and then I became unemployed and miserable. God don't stop HRT if you're as stupid as me and don't realise your face isn't done growing.
>>43039199Rapehons are valid I can be too!
>>43039270Wrong moral but I like the spirit.
>>43037575you have illegal boobs nona, return them immediately
>>43039298Oh no! Will I get arrested?It does feel that way ngl
>>43039249because posting on here is posting into the void, a waste of energyI detrooned for 2 years because of drug addiction, psychosis, bulimia, suicide attempts, etc. It ruined all my progress and made it worse to come back from because I have permanent changes too, but for me it was bodyhair, facial hair and insane hairloss. I almost killed myself because of it and other problems from drug addiction and bulimia (my voice is fucked), i retrooned and got ffs but i'm still miserable and suicidal. whatever.
>>43037575By your logic, why even live at all?
>>43037575I cant really help you but yeah i feel similar. Im also coming up on 6 months E in a couple of weeks and also kinda started on a whim to see if id finally gain certainty on whether i want this/transition makes me happier/is required for me to be happy.I also like the changes as well, especially skin changes, feeling like my face looks a bit more fem & fat distribution (i think i have more of a waist now then i had/would have had at the same weight on T).Sometimes my boobs scare me a bit, but other times i think they are great. So it might just be that im not used to them and scared of them forcing me to girlmode/making me look weird or having to deal with top surgery if i end up detransitioning.But i get feeling "at least as a man i didnt have to try".I might have been vaguely miserable before, but at least there was like no question about my gender or presentation or anything. Being a guy required no effort at all and no one would question or harass me about it.Now i might be slightly less miserable now and for the first time in my life actually enjoy how my body looks/might eventually look/how its changing. But its scary that it will have to put effort in at some point. I dont think E alone will let me pass, id have to put so much work in to become a woman.And even if id pass it would likely require continued effort. And at the end of the day id still be trans so just being allowed to exist without justifying yourself/putting in effort feels impossible. Even if i pass, just being a woman also requires effort, like suddenly theres expectations to be well dressed or use makeup etc. Whereas for guys the most basic of hygiene suffices and thats it.Plus its scary because staying on E might eventually force me into a weird middle ground where i either have to try to pass as a woman or detrans to go back to being a man. And theres a chance id be fucked in a way by then that i could no longer convincingly enough pull of either male or female.
>>43039716Good point. I actually think that life is beautiful, but I my mere presence causes everything to wither and wilt away. I really don't feel like I was made for living, which is why I settled for just existing, and now that I'm actively trying to live, it just feels like I'm just confirmed my own lack of personhood
>>43037575>I can't get over the feeling that I'm not only not supposed to have them, but also because I'm not deserving of them.are you a girl in your heart, or a boy?if you're a girl you are supposed to have them, you deserve them. A cheap trick of genetics cheated you out of the glory of a biological cisgender womanhood, but you deserve every bit of it that you can get back
>>43040167I wish I could answer with girl, but unfortunately I'm almost hones that boy is the honest answer, although I currently don't feel like I have a heart at all
>>43040284>honesI meant sure. Dunno how I managed to type hones
>>43037575Yeah you should sounds like you arent trans or a woman or anything but a cis manI think you should detransition and just move in from this period of your life through therapy it can be very effective and usefulIt’s really easy to stop taking meds as well just don’t do it lolAnyway you should prolly join a different forum this place is a hive mind that will keep trying to convince you you are a tranny lolGl out there anon!
>>43039677I'm sorry that happened to you :( your life sounds rough and I'm here moping about just my face changing and I atleast had high quality of life since then
>>43040444What if the thought of stopping hormones and being a man is deeply dreadful though?
>>43040165I don't think it's possible for a human to just "exist". By your definition, that would mean doing nothing. Nothing at all. Then how did you post this? How did you sleep, eat and drink if you are just "existing". You define existence as simply having nothing to live for. If you think like this, then you will always be miserable, and i hope you get out of this mindset.
>>43039165Do U just want ppl to be suicidal in the future or wha
>>43040619Ok we all have yucky foids as children too but we grow up and eat themJust because you think it is bad doesnt mean it is. Who told you it’s bad anyway?Being a natural born man is well normal, it’s how evolution made youBeing a tranny freak is the incongruity.Just be normal and grow up>>43040704Depression cant be solved by hrt or transition. Btw
>>43037575I'm actually feeling very similarly. I was on hrt for a few years, then went off for about double that time, and now I'm experimenting again between crossdressing privately and changes to my normal persona.>Not that being a man is better, but at least I don't have to try anything then. It allows me to just exist, while estrogen forces me to actively live, and I feel fundamentally unfit for it.In my experience, I always look back on the pain fondly. Not only that, I realize that I was "onto something". Pain = learning. I always regret giving up on these projects, the second you do, you begin to undo all your work...Do you think your feelings of numb comfort draw from the pleasure of "having" your fantasy without the pain of living it? Common case...Lastly, maybe an experiment: Get yourself into a very high energy state (however you know how) and see how you feel then.
>>43040842You sound like such a fucking loser lolGod crossdressing really? Kill yourself faggot
>>43040652>I don't think it's possible for a human to just "exist"I guess you are right, but I was referring to living while doing the bare minimum, instead of actually actively engaging with one's life and striving towards something, or even just feeling things.
>>43037783>I now feel much more anxious while out in public or while using my male voice cause I feel like I already look too much like a tranny and that people can clock meme too. i wonder because i have crazy bad anxiety and always think people can like read my thoughts and then its jarring when you actually talk to someone and they dont even have the slightest clue what you were thinking and werent even considering you at all. im always thinking people are gonna notice i shave more often or am growing my hair out and im gonna get outed and confronted by when i think about it objectively im 99% sure no one cares or notices at all.
>>43042185Are you satisfied with this? I personally think you are afraid of depending on chemicals just so you can actually live the way you want to. Its horrifying, i know it is, but if you do not do the things you want just because it might end someday, you will spend your life in regret, because later you might realize that it couldve worked out just fine. This is your decision, just do what will make you happy. I just cant accept that you will be more fulfilled by limiting yourself because of your fear to strive towards a goal. Treat yourself like the human that you are and do what fulfills you. If living by the bare minimum does just that, then do it. But if you wish to actually feel happiness then maybe do what makes you happy without fear, because our lives are short and you deserve it.
>>43037575who the fuck starts hrt on a whim
I get that dying is easier. For a long time I was also just waiting to die/kill myself. But living feels much better, even if it's just for a short moment, it is worth it. I am still looking for a reason why I am worthy of life and that search is also gratificating on its own.
