Im not certain im trans, im not certain id be happier as a woman, im not certain i "am a woman", im not certain i have dysphoria.And yet, after like 6 mo E, occasionally i look in the mirror and i get extremely, unusually happy about how i look. Like happy crying, laughing, jumping up and down and having a wide ass grin on my face. Just generally being extremely happy i look more female. (The last occurrence of this was like literally 20-30 minutes ago...)I also started taking pictures of myself when i feel good about how i look. Before i just avoided mirrors completely as well as having my picture taken. I never did anything like either of those things (or ever got super happy like this about myself/my looks) pre E/before like the 3 months mark on E.But also it doesnt feel real? Like just a few minutes later i can go back to doubting if taking E is a bad idea and i should just stop or else risk regretting breast growth massively. So the happiness only lasts like a few minutes usually, like 5-10 min of being super happy and then i might instantly go back to freaking myself out about whether im actually cis and should stop (Which is also what happened today and why im posting this).It just makes it feel like im pretending, like its not real and im not actually happy in those moments. Or that im not happy because of E/looking like a woman, maybe just because i look more like a twink or sth else idk.So what is it?Did i just repress my tranny desires for so long that when i get happy about it it feels alien/not quite real to me? But i should still stay on E because getting this happy seems to indicate i am trans and should keep going?Or am i just somehow faking how happy i get? Or i get happy about something else and im misattributing it? And the doubts i usually get right after and im just a deluded cis guy and i should stop until im actually certain completely im trans/want this/need this?
>>43090996Stop humble bragging.t. repper
>>43090996You got dismorphia bb
>>43091003Take your pills.Even if i might detrans/turn out to be a cis guy or whatever, at least now i know what its like being on E and can make a more informed decision. Eventho im still not certain lol, i wish i had done this shit so much sooner, trust me, repping is not worth it.
>>43091013Ok but like does that mean i should stay on E now or not?Also can you elaborate? idfk what u are trying to imply with just saying i have dysmorphia but i might just be stupid.Like dysmorphia about what? Are you saying that im just a cis guy with dysmorphia and should stop trooning out?
>>43091123I know I'd like E, that's not the problem. It's about the consequences.
>>43090996I also get this at times. Look - if you're this far, you are definitely "TruTrans" because you wouldn't have been able to tolerate it if you weren't. It's that simple.How do you feel when you're not looking at yourself? In the dark, beneath the sheets, with your eyes closed? That will tell you how you really feel about your gender.
>>43091137I mean it sounds like you are trans and do feel deeply happy with the idea of feminizing when it is progress you see directly with your eyes but if you are avoiding seeing urself and you probably only have a fuzzy idea of what you look like that is a coping mechanism most trannys built up from years of repping and you cant actually trust it. If you have dismorphia then you probably do not actually look as bad as you think and when it eases up you might think you look better then usual. This all sounds super cliche just sayin. God bless
>>43091151Which consequences?Tho yeah i also get it, im scared about the consequences as well.Like i think a large part of why breast growth makes me anxious sometimes is because it threatens my ability to just manmode/might force me to girlmode when i dont want to/am not ready for it (which i might never be).
>>43091137it means u hate urself and should keep doing E. Just do what makes u happy, no one lives long enough to really worry about shit like if its bad for you or not. Ur happy, its safe, keep doing it
>>43091189Social consequences, like hate and rejection.
>>43091158> Look - if you're this far, you are definitely "TruTrans" because you wouldn't have been able to tolerate it if you weren't. It's that simple.Idk, maybe? Im still scared tho that im the 1 in 1000000000 cis guy that is honest to god just so autistic, isolated and retarded that he managed to psyop himself into thinking hes trans.Like maybe im not tolerating it somehow and just deluded myself to keep going past a reasonable "trying it out" period of like 1-3 months?> How do you feel when you're not looking at yourself?If we ignore the constant battle in my mind between "fuck what if im actually cis" and "omg u idiot you have hundreds of pictures of yourself smiling about your breast growth on your phone ofc u arent cis" then ig mostly fine?Not too different to before ig. But ig even when im more lowkey about it its still a semi-constant battle between being anxious/scared im doing sth wrong. And just occasionally appreciating the HRT changes in a more lowkey way.Like when i first started E (like about 30-40 days in) i feel like i remember thinking that i started thinking clearer and had less brain fog. Sometimes i still feel like that but im not sure anymore. Its been like 170+ days since i was on T at this point lol.Or sometimes i look at my arms/hands and get happy they look and feel smoother now and less veiny. Or i just hug myself a bit because i enjoy the softer skin a lot. Sometimes i also get more lowkey happy about having curves now or seeing how my breast buds dent out clothes a bit.Like its not always giant bursts of euphoria while looking at myself. Sometimes i just look in the mirror after washing my hands and smile a bit because my face looks more fem now and then keep going with whatever i was doing and stuff like that.So idk lol. Besides the constant doubting (which i do occasionally think has merit tho) i dont think i feel worse at least.Idk sorry for the wall of text that prob explained nothing lol.
>>43091195Ok yeah idk how to help you there either. Is there a chance your environment might not be as transphobic as you are fearing it is? Or do you know for sure it would suck?But even then idk, if i am trans for sure, and the happy spells are not some delusion. Then idk it might be worth it in spite of transphobia?Like im scared about it too, like being stared at in public or sth. But i already hate(d) how i look and was/am self conscious about how i appear in public. At least then id have a real reason to be anxious lol. Plus id get to be happier with myself in exchange as well lol.
>>43091192You are right, and i might be happier. But the constant doubting is putting a hamper on it lol.Like maybe im not happier right now? Also doesnt help that ive been kinda depressed since the year started and not been enjoying much of anything.Plus like yeah E is safe, but im so fucking scared of having to get top surgery if i detrans :C.Im most scared maybe that ill just eternally be uncertain on what to do/what i am. Like i was hoping E would finally make me more certain on whether i like it or not/am trans or not. But im still not entirely certain.Worst outcome would be eternally just feeling a bit shit and not knowing why and still constantly questioning if its gender bullshit. I just wanna be secure in my decision to trans (or detrans) and im scared ill just never get that :C.
>>43091479I know for sure. Nobody would understand it, they would consider me insane. Good luck to you.
>>43091184> if you are avoiding seeing urself and you probably only have a fuzzy idea of what you look likeIm kinda not doing that anymore? At least the avoiding seeing myself part, i used to do that a lot pre E. But like since February or so i constantly look in mirrors lol.Mostly since like half the time it makes me a lil happy about E changes so i gain some certainty for a bit which is what i desperately crave. Tho sometimes i also dont know what to feel when i do that, or i get sad about stuff like having a wide ribcage & shoulders.The "Fuzzy Idea of what you look like" is still there tho a bit. Maybe used to be worse, but yeah i kinda cant quite imagine what i look like unless im looking in a mirror.> This all sounds super cliche just sayin.Wdym? That all my worrying and being weirdly happy and stuff sounds cliche? Or that like what you wrote about it and what you think is causing me to be like this sounds cliche?
>>43091519Im sorry, that sounds awful :C.I hope you can eventually get to somewhere with more understanding people and live and transition how you want to, you deserve it <3.
>>43090996>I also started taking pictures of myself when i feel good about how i look.Fem brain behaviour due to E
>>43091562So not indicative of being trans/better off on estrogen then?
>>43090996yeah me too. its pretty great desu. i thought reverse dysphoria was a myth until like 2 months in and now i get the imposter syndrome intrusive thoughts. i also changed a ton of shit at the same time as starting. i think one day i will go off for a week or two just to see what happens but im pretty sure about my decision despite the doubts. im not more anxious about those doubts then base level retarded about basically every daily decision i make tho if i think about it in context. its made such a big difference that it should be utterly undeniable but still im dumb and i think the quit test will confirm it and kill the doubt>>43091189also me too. i just assume no one will ever say anything cause it would be hella rude and i have an intimidating presentation anyway. plus regular dude have more gyno than me only thing about it is im mega skinny so idk if i can pass it as gyno while having tits+ abs >>43091219>"omg u idiot you have hundreds of pictures of yourself smiling about your breast growth on your phone ofc u arent cisright lol? ten years of no photos of me then suddenly hundreds and hundreds in my camera roll>>43091479theyre are actually multiple at my work but "its different cause its me" >>43093106no way. check out the reverse dysphoria repper threads for some real "cant relate" content
>>43094680> i also changed a ton of shit at the same time as startingSame, biggest one is prob losing weight. So now im also scared sometimes that im not actually trans and dont feel better bc of HRT but bc of the weight loss lol.> i think one day i will go off for a week or two just to see what happensIm similar here too lol. Most of the time im not debating stopping for good, im more debating like stopping for like a month or two to see if i feel worse. Bc i can recall when i started i thought i felt noticeably better. But now i dont remember what T feels like anymore so idk if i was right or not lol.> pretty sure about my decision despite the doubts.Unfortunately im not certain despite my doubts. However most of the time i overthink this (which is almost all the time) i end up deciding to keep going anyways lol. Like ive been uncertain like this since the start of the year - but i still havent missed a single dose since then lol.> i just assume no one will ever say anything cause it would be hella rudeYeah i might rely on that too. Like if im fine with my breasts on my own, but uncomfortable about them in public. Then fuck it maybe ill just hope i wont get any direct confrontations about them despite them potentially being visible lol.> right lol? ten years of no photos of me then suddenly hundreds and hundreds in my camera rollYeah thats a big mood lol. Like ive had my current phone for 2 years. Before February, going back 2 years, theres 200-400 pics total, 100% of which are not of myself.But now i have ~450, each month, just from february and march this year, 90% of which are of myself. Usually of me smiling in the mirror about looking more fem, or topless & smiling about my breast growth and waist lmao.This is the kinda shit that makes me feel crazy. Like either this means im very trans/much happier on E in this sense - Or this is such an extreme and out of character thing it might also mean ive gone crazy instead lol.
>>43094680> check out the reverse dysphoria repper threads for some real "cant relate" contentWhich ones exactly do you mean?
>>43094680> im not more anxious about those doubts then base level retarded about basically every daily decision i make tho if i think about it in context.What exactly do you mean with "in context" here?But yeah i think, in my clearer moments, im like this too. Like i was always a super anxious, indecisive and overthinking person, it kinda makes sense that id be like this about transition and basically growing a whole new body part lol.I do think i do it here worse than basically any other decision i had to make before. But given that this is also the biggest decision i ever made (and maybe the biggest one i will ever make), it kinda makes sense im like this if i take that into account.Still tho sometimes i feel like the fact that i doubt so often means my doubts might be right. Eventho they come with kinda weak reasoning desu.Like, at best, my doubts are just because maybe ill dislike breast growth in the future. Its not even that i dislike it right now (i mostly dont mind and sometimes really like it (if we are ignoring being scared about them outing me or making me look weird)), its just that ill *maybe* dislike them *in the future*. Plus that is also kinda the only thing, all other effects of E are like unquestionably a positive to me i think.
