Idk maybe get your ocd or bpd treated lmao u crazyy

>>43101053
I kinda get how I may have OCD, but nothing I've said indicates that I have BPD. I've already went to a psychiatrist to check whether I may have it, and they told me I have no signs of being BPD at all

bump

>>43101595
Ups, didn't mean to use the name field. Shouldn't have phoneposted

>>43101605
repper-kun is a retard frfr
jk but have you simply talked to your parents abt this yet

>>43101646
I'm not repperkun, and yes I have talked with them about it, even if it feels borderline impossible to properly convey the way I feel

>>43101646
Also, why call me retarded, and not elaborate why?
You're clearly right, so how can I then be smart enough to understand what you meant to imply?

>>43101030
Have you tried detransitioning to see how you'll feel then?

>>43101736
>nothing I've said
lal nona you need meds this is too much

>>43101875
What makes you so certain?

>>43101860
I have. At this point I'd be considered mtftmtftmtftmtf

aaaaa

>>43101928
Damn. And I thought I was indecisive

>>43101030
At this point you might as well kys

>>43102446
Sounds so comfy ngl

>>43102269
I'm glad you're not like me

>>43101030
nbshit

>>43102796
Genuinely the worst possible outcome

>>43101030
I really need some help, please

>>43103712
honestly if this is not yet another larp therapy could help, just got to find a good therapist

>>43103764
This isn't a larp, and I luckily already have a therapy appointment in two weeks, but I can barely bear waiting. I've been bedridden from this feeling the whole day, and I really can't afford for it to continue

>>43101030
hi oppie, i take estrogen too despite the reverse dysphoria i get. its not as bad as yours, but its still there.
during shot days, i take some alcohol or benadryl to make the experience more bearable and then have a shower (in the dark, take it in the dark. it is much better). it has lessened my misery immensely. idk how else to help but just know there are other people (sorta) like you.
>for ref, i have never transitioned or planned to, i went into this for reasons unrelated to gender/sex

>>43103794
Thank you a ton for the commiseration, and I'm really sorry you also have to deal with this.
Weirdly enough, I don't dislike the effects of estrogen themselves, but their presence stillis making me lose my mind. And I also feel like the estrogen is giving me severe biochemical dysphoria, so not even showering in the dark or hiding under a blanket is helping me. Despite that, I still always hope that I'll suddenly start feeling right after another shot. Plus, I find the process of injecting weirdly therapeutic.
May I ask why you started hrt?

>>43103883
i see i see. biochemical dysphoria sounds a little familiar to me, i was like that for a year or two. i felt like i was losing myself and the ways it messed with my brain would bring me spiraling into sobbing fits regularly. those feelings started to level off eventually and now i feel mostly normal. i wish i could offer advice for getting through it, but im not sure our experiences are exactly the same so the copes i went through might be alien/not work :/
>May I ask why you started hrt?
hairloss lol

>>43103959
>i felt like i was losing myself and the ways it messed with my brain would bring me spiraling into sobbing fits regularly
Yep, extremely relatable. I haven't even been on hrt for more than 5 months this time around, so I really hope you're right about this stabilizing after 1+ years on hrt, cause right now both the thought of continuing hrt or stopping feel like a death sentence.
>but im not sure our experiences are exactly the same so the copes i went through might be alien/not work :/
What copes did you use, besides showering in the dark. Personally I just try to keep myself busy as much as I can, but on most days it still is too much for me, so I just end up paralyzed
>hairloss lol
That's in big part also why I started, cause the thought of loosing my hair always felt horrible, but I also really hoped that I'll just feel more correct in my own body on estrogen. Should've considered Murphy's law tbqh

>>43104057
>What copes did you use
well, my biggest problem was how it warped my interest in things. the old music i liked stopped hitting, the games i loved my entire life werent calling my name anymore, etc. but i noticed if i didnt push myself to stay engaged with them, i felt far worse and out of control. so id force myself to engage despite the disinterest, and it really soothed me sometimes for some reason.
i also started journaling more, i think physically writing things down straightened out my thoughts and made them more managable while also making life seem a bit less dark when i wrote the good things about my day/week.
>Personally I just try to keep myself busy as much as I can, but on most days it still is too much for me, so I just end up paralyzed
this unfortunately didnt work for me either, i felt like i was just doing busywork...
>That's in big part also why I started, cause the thought of loosing my hair always felt horrible
yea its terrifying. i couldnt cope with the thought of it anymore
>but I also really hoped that I'll just feel more correct in my own body on estrogen
maybe it still will? idk :/

>>43104184
>well, my biggest problem was how it warped my interest in things. the old music i liked stopped hitting, the games i loved my entire life werent calling my name anymore, etc. but i noticed if i didnt push myself to stay engaged with them, i felt far worse and out of control. so id force myself to engage despite the disinterest, and it really soothed me sometimes for some reason
Kinda same, but I doubt it's the estrogen, cause I started feeling this way long before it. I in general have lost almost all interest in anything, but I still force myself to either try out new stuff or kill time by playing the same old games and listening to the same music
>i also started journaling more
Also same, but it doesn't really feel like it helps much, and I always forget to do it gor weeks sometimes
>this unfortunately didnt work for me either, i felt like i was just doing busywork...
Not only that, but I also am completely unable to concentrate on anything
>yea its terrifying. i couldnt cope with the thought of it anymore
Same, I used to, and still sometimes have nightmares about it. Same goes for facial hair
>maybe it still will? idk :/
That's too hopeful, but I don't really have any other options

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>>43104408
>Kinda same, but I doubt it's the estrogen, cause I started feeling this way long before it.
well, likewise but to a lesser extent for me. in the leadup to take the stupid juice i had a mental breakdown and depression was worsening, but the estrogen made the disinterest n stuff worse/accelerated it
>but I still force myself to either try out new stuff or kill time by playing the same old games and listening to the same music
have you developed any newer tastes/interests? maybe a shift in music or whatever? it happened to me and it led to more than a few spirals. i hated it.
>Also same, but it doesn't really feel like it helps much, and I always forget to do it gor weeks sometimes
mmm, might not be for everyone then? do you gratitude journal? the small little things kept me a little sane.
>Same, I used to, and still sometimes have nightmares about it. Same goes for facial hair
im almost 3 yrs in and still get hairloss dreams aha
>That's too hopeful, but I don't really have any other options
mmm igi. im sry

>>43104562
>but the estrogen made the disinterest n stuff worse/accelerated it
I'm sorry
>have you developed any newer tastes/interests?
Yes and no? They did slightly shift, but it's not like estrogen suddenly completely changed my tastes. It's normal for one's tastes to change over time, and I actually welcome such a change, as it gives me hope that I might actually enjoy things someday. Plus, I don't hate anything I liked in the past. At most I'm just disinterested
>do you gratitude journal?
I tried to, but it felt very silly. I already have the habit to always look at the bright side as much as I can, but it still just feels like a cope
>im almost 3 yrs in and still get hairloss dreams aha
Sounds quite traumatic ngl
>mmm igi. im sry
No need to be. I still want to hope, even if it feels pointless

shameless bump

>>43101030
you're pathetic

i would take estrogen forever if it just didnt give me tits or they just stayed really really small. its so fucking disgusting.

>>43106801
I don't even hate mine, but they just feel so wrong, to the point that I'll get panic attacks in public because of them

>>43101030
uh... crazy idea but if something makes you feel like shit when you do it maybe you shouldn't do it

>>43106896
i used to really hate it and was mirror checking them like 2 hours in the mirror every day to make sure it looked proportional and not disgusting. but then i kinda got used to it and then recently its resurged like wtf have i done to myself. like i literally live my whole life as a guy and never girlmode or really benefit from this at all im just a man with boobs for some reason.

>>43106906
>go off hrt
>start going bald and getting hairy
>panic
>go on hrt
>start becoming weak and weird looking with a warped body
>panic
>go off hrt

FOREVER

>>43106906
Being off estrogen feels beyond disgusting, and being on estrogen feels profoundly wrong

>>43107171
same

>>43101736
lmao udnerrated poast

>>43108003
I still haven't gotten a serious reply to it unfortunately :(

>>43108284
i already saved it and i will be using it from now on as a response whenever someone calls me retarded

>>43108399
Glad I could be of use

>>43108937
<3

Go to a professional rather than asking random anons on a malaysian underwater basket weaving forum for advice

>>43110079
I have a therapist's appointment in like two weeks, but I'm losing my mind right now and it can't hurt to ask

>>43101030
Let someone swap your estrogen vial with a testosterone vial, and see how you feel then

>>43112233
I'll still quickly notice, so what's the point

>>43101030
That kinda sounds like you're not actually transfem and you should probably stop

Have you considered AA only HRT

>>43103959
Holy shit I have no idea how you got here but you are clearly not a trans woman and I have no idea why you do this to yourself

You do realize there are a lot of options cis men have available to them for hair loss? Holy fuck what are you doing

>>43113301
AAs only will destroy my liver and bones, and I want the effects of estrogen despite them feeling wrong. I wish I were actually trans

>>43113310
Umm... Have you tried Dutasteride?

Again I genuinely have no idea how you got here. Sounds like you might be non binary or something. Or just psychotic. Why the fuck would you David Reimer yourself??? What do you think you can possibly get out of this???

>>43113318
She is a lying and deeply repressed trans woman

>>43113324
I'm just gonna believe him when he says estrogen gives him dysphoric and he just wants to treat hair loss via an unfathomably stupid method

World's first MTMTF, wants to be a trans woman but isn't

>>43113318
I'm the op. I'm not >>43103959, and no, I haven't tried dutasteride because I want much more than to just preserve my hairline. I still have almost no facial hair, and the thought of growing more is genuinely horrific.
>Or just psychotic
Probably, even if that possibility got ruled out by a professional

>>43113335
Have you tried fucking shaving or laser facial hair removal, like the girlies here do

>>43113350
I have, but that's not enough. I want no more hair facial and body hair for the rest of my life, so I'll have to do electrolysis in the near future.
As previously mentioned, I also want and like the effects of estrogen, but they still unfortunately feel very wrong

AAAA

help

bump

>>43116794
I'm really surprised you bumped my thread

>>43101030
You're just repressing and sublimating the shame of transitioning into this bizarre cope. You aren't having "reverse dysphoria" you're just struggling to accept your transition and pussying in and out constantly. You are trans but mentally unstable. Which is why everyone here thinks you're fucking crazy. Get off the board and stick to your therapy sessions, maybe journal and self reflect on the causes of your transition shame and try to find some form of acceptance in being trans, which you are. Preferably with a therapist who has trans experience, and whom can guide you away from this self hating ritual that pushes you away from transitioning until the dysphoria pushes you back into transitioning again. Because you can't get rid of the dysphoria without transitioning, but you can get rid of the shame that keeps making you pussy out of transitioning. Please get off the board, like for real, you are unstable and need proffesional help.

>>43117246
That's a very kind reply, and I do hope you're right, although I'm not even sure whether I actually experience any real dysphoria.
You're absolutely right about me feeling a ton of shame though, and I'm using the board to vent it all out, for better or for worse.
Luckily I'm currently in the process of getting a regular therapist that will hopefully be able to guide me, but I'm still at the stage of getting assessed what my specific needs are

>>43117246
>maybe journal and self reflect
Meanwhile my journal entries be like:
"You are cis man and you know it.
There is nothing about you which indicates there is a woman underneath.
You walk, talk, look, think, feel, exist like a man.
You know it's all just superficial vanity at the end of the day.
The only reason this has struck a chord with you, is the pipedream of defining yourself new. Of finding an easy explanation for all your shortcomings.
All of which are your own damn fault.
And yet, you refuse to take any accountability.
You're aware you would just be skinwalking a woman.
Only to hide from yourself. Truly pathetic.
There is no actual joy to be found on the other side.
The grass is not greener. Your envy is misplaced.
This fantasy is a siren's call. It will all lead to ruin.
You should love what you have. Deluding yourself there's more to life is just greed.
You are creating problems because you've never had real ones.
Your own perception of your self is utterly conceited.
This is all there is to life.
Claiming to be someone you're not is the most depraved and disgusting lie there is.
You were faking it all, and knew it each and every moment. All, only to fit in somewhere you didn't belong, somewhere you were never welcomed, somewhere you never wanted to be.
Yet you think about it every single waking moment, think about injecting again in hope it'll make you hate yourself less.
Although, you know the issue is not self hate. It's narcissism of the highest degree.
You have everything handed to you on a silver platter, and you brush it off because it is not gold.
One day the extent of your sins will catch up to you."

>>43101030
Detransition you're a man

its annoying that people always do this "you are a repressed trans woman coping" shit because the reality is being trans is something you do, you do it well or do it badly, you do it with confidence or fear and shame. there is no magic "transness" hanging over your head that makes your transition inevitable or necessary.

you start off in a body you find difficult and confusing, you try to fix it and it becomes more difficult and confusing. you feel like you have no identity at all while desperately trying to find one. you eventually give in and accept the reality that you are basically just a failed man with mental issues. a lot of trannies probably end up this way regardless of their motivation, because its the limitations of physical reality and not whatever self concept or justifications you have.

>>43119003
I'd rather kms atp

>>43119450
if trans is something you do, then what is the word for people who suffer from living as their assigned gender role, and how do you treat them?

>>43119450
>because the reality is being trans is something you do, you do it well or do it badly, you do it with confidence or fear and shame. there is no magic "transness" hanging over your head that makes your transition inevitable or necessary.

Do you think theres a chance to go from doing it "badly" to doing it "well"? Ive been doing it for like 6 months now and recently ive been getting more scared im doing the wrong thing, but ive still been doing it, just scared.

Is there a chance for me to end up doing it with confidence, like ever. Or do i just have to accept having to live with the doubts and seeing for myself if i can continue in spite of them?

>>43118982
>Meanwhile my journal entries be like:
Idk nona that doesnt sound as convincing as you want it to be i think.

Like, its not impossible you are cis, but the vast majority of cis guys i dont think need to journal hundreds of words to convince themselves they are cis actually.

Im not saying you are trans but this can also just read as a deeply repressed trans person desperately trying to convince themselves they are cis or that transition isnt worth it.

>>43123262
>Or do i just have to accept having to live with the doubts and seeing for myself if i can continue in spite of them?
I'm still full of doubts, and I found that continuing in spite of the is the only way forward for me. Or at least I hope it is

>>43101030
you have to look at it like a matter of fact.
water is wet, the sky is blue, i have gender dysphoria and you do too. I've considered social detransition, but I could never go off estrogen
I decided that I would rather have estrogen in my body than testosterone. It's my preferred hormone if you will.
for me this is simply a fact I've come to accept. I think acceptance is really important here. You have to make a decision based on your preference even if it's close
but you might also have other stuff going on idk

>>43124156
Tbqh, I can't even tell whether my gender dysphoria is intrinsic or not, but as long as I don't find a reason to be a man, I won't stop estrogen, no matter how much it hurts me

>>43123279
last bump

>>43124052
How did you find out that keeping on in spite of them is the only way forward. Like is it a "transition or die" kinda situation for u?

Also are you keeping on it in the hopes the doubts eventually disappear?

Or is it like a situation where you have good reasons to take HRT, like ways in which you are almost certain it improves your quality of life, and have doubts in spite of that and have accepted the doubts might never leave/not leave for a long time anyways?

>>43124156
> I decided that I would rather have estrogen in my body than testosterone. It's my preferred hormone if you will. [...] You have to make a decision based on your preference even if it's close
>>43124642
> as long as I don't find a reason to be a man, I won't stop estrogen

Maybe i should just accept mindsets like these two as well. Cuz even if i always doubt if im doing the right thing on E. Im pretty sure i dont like anything T does, and i like most of the things E does (potentially even all of them but im still anxious about breast growth, in spite of sometimes also really liking what i got in that regard already that as well...).

Same goes for finding a reason to be a man. I cant, never wanted to be one ever i think. On the other hand, its not usually a strong draw, or super common, but being (more of) a woman/female/girl/femininity in general seems to have a draw on me that no aspect of masculinity/being male seems to.

If i ever want to be like anyone, or get envious of them, or admired them as role models, it was almost always women i think, and i think always has been. Whether it was school peers or teachers/educators i admired or fictional characters.

Maybe these really should be enough for me to just accept that taking E is a good idea and to keep going.

Now it'd just be cool if my brain got the memo as well, and didnt make me overthink and doubt it or make me scared about actually being cis and having to get top surgery or sth on an hourly basis anyways, that'd be great >:C.

>>43127838
I know who you are

>>43128051
Ok, i hope u do not use this information for evil or being mean to me tho :c.

Also idek who u might be, atp i think theres at least 2 people here who could recognize me. And its not impossible that u are a third person, just connecting dots on 4chan only, given how much ive been posting lol.

>>43128750
Oh, don't worry, you know me as well

>>43128819
Ah ok then i have a suspicion who u are as well lol.

I hope you've been doing well <3.

>>43129011
Can't say I've been doing well, but it could be worse. That's also why I've been taking a break from using discord.
Hope you've been doing well too, but considering how many threads you've been making, you're still full of doubt and anxiety

>>43129108
> Can't say I've been doing well
I hope you'll get better soon then <3

> That's also why I've been taking a break from using discord.
Yeah i was wondering a lil, tho i think u mentioned it to someone else on here before and i randomly saw it there already lol.

Altho im a lil confused about the logic of stopping discord usage for mental health reasons, but not 4chan lol. Unless you are saying you are trying to get worse and i misunderstood...

> Hope you've been doing well too, but considering how many threads you've been making, you're still full of doubt and anxiety.
Yeah lol. It seems like those periods of 2-3 days i had a couple of weeks back where it quited down were a fluke, now its back to daily/hourly doubting and anxiety :C.

Tho i also could be doing worse, i had periods where it was really bad, its not been like that at least.

> considering how many threads you've been making
Partially im making threads where instead otherwise id have bothered like a friend or family with my doubts and anxieties. But like i keep bringing up the same topics and conversations in regards to my anxiets and doubts over and over and it tends to always resolve in the same way too, understandably they get a lil annoyed lol.

Its just that despite how repetitive it is i keep thinking about it anyways :c. Also it kinda always helps to write sth out and then hear people going "ofc u are trans/E is good for you, are u stupid" or "i was also like that and it got better". Plus just voicing my thoughts anywhere makes it feel a lil more real and more manageable than just being stuck in my head with them all the time.

>>43129538
>stopping discord usage for mental health reasons, but not 4chan
Yeah, I'm aware this isn't particularly smart of me. I don't even know whether this makes much sense, but I feel much less pressure posting here as I see it akin to screaming into the void, while chatting on discord takes some emotional effort, and I just feel very burnt out. Especially since I want to be able to emotionally engage when chatting.
>now its back to daily/hourly doubting and anxiety
Same. I'm basically crippled by it currently
>Also it kinda always helps to write sth out and then hear people going
I think so too, and I find that venting about it all here is surprisingly effective

>>43121275
the same treatment you would expect, they should try to transition, but with the mindset that it could actually fail and make things worse, and that the outcome is dependant on effort and luck. people who have no chance of passing would be better off being taught radical acceptance and a way to express their gender in a way that is disconnected from their body. maybe through vrchat or some other means.

>>43123262
it depends. you could always improve and have a glowup but honestly so much of it is just what your face and body naturally look like, if you are struggling its not a good sign, but there are people who felt better at the 2 or 3 year mark.

your only real choice is to continue and let natural selection take care of the rest, if you fail it was never meant to be, but at least you will have concrete knowledge of that and can do some kind of therapy to disassociate from yourself instead.